Hi KC I’ve been ghost following your sitch because we use to comment on each other’s quite a bit months ago.
I just wanted to reach out and ask you as gently as possible if you are truly ok. Your behavior as of late is a tad reckless. From the uptick in drinking, to the marijuana use, to the “making new friends in dating websites” it’s definitely eye opening.
You really seem to be spiraling and half way in denial about it.
You are and have been getting some A+ advice from multiple members on this board, and you seem to really pick and choose who and what you listen to that suits how you are feeling for the day.
I can’t stress this enough that you really should look inside yourself and ask yourself if you are ok.....truly ok.
No one here can make this go away. No one here can make this better. No one here can give you the silver bullet to make this pain and rejection you feel poof and disappear. It’s not going to happen.
But if you, and only you start taking the advice and listening to what you don’t wanna hear you’ll start to heal.
Everyone has told you, you need individual therapy. We know you had a bad experience with it, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good people out there providing therapy that could really help you.
I hope you start to listen to everyone here. It’s not about saving your marriage, it’s about saving yourself, and the marriage hopefully gets saved in the process because you made real honest changes that last a lifetime that your spouse sees.
Just don’t be surprised when you make these changes that you realize your self worth and you know in your heart the cheating, lying, and manipulation you’ve endured isn’t ok. And it shows what kind of person your H is and you don’t want him back...ever.
I’ll continue to pray for you on the sidelines.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
KC, not judging but I think you should watch the video on youtube, its called "Stop trying to make them love you" its by Affair Recovery. A guy named Samuel explains why he had his affair and why he looked for different things to make him feel whole. Baseball, sex, alchohol, drugs and eventually OW. I think it might help you In a couple ways, its helped me detatch and stick to my guns in a way that is free of anger or other negatives. I hope it helps you too.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/09/2001:21 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I've been listening to the advice... I put a lot of pressure on myself and I feel a lot of.pressure when H texts. But he texted again tonight.... and I just swiped left. I didn't even read it.
I'm doing my best to go NC.
What if I'm having fun? Really having fun?? What if GAL for me is getting out and having 2 drinks? I'm not drinking every night. Im not drinking till I pass out. This election has been very polarizing with lifelong friends unfriending each other. So it was twice this week that I went out- 1 drink on Wednesday which blwas made too strong and 2 drinks on Ssturday... it most likely will be zero next week. I spent 8hr doing yardwork this weekend. Unique photog class at the park. Had a really nice lunch out today. The weather was perfect and it's not often you get to enjoy outside dining this time of the year. Conversation really felt good and was intellectually stimulating.
I think I really like the guy from Saturday. I'm 100% up front that I'm separated... that I'm not D. I'm not pursuing him because I don't want to feel responsible for him getting hurt by anything unintentional. However, if he initiates I will spend time with him.
I'm being told repeatedly how done my H is... I'm doing my best to let him go live his life.
I'm also doing my best to live mine. Of course i appreciate it when anyone wants to pray for me.
I've been listening to the advice... I put a lot of pressure on myself and I feel a lot of.pressure when H texts. But he texted again tonight.... and I just swiped left. I didn't even read it.
I'm doing my best to go NC.
What if I'm having fun? Really having fun?? What if GAL for me is getting out and having 2 drinks? I'm not drinking every night. Im not drinking till I pass out. This election has been very polarizing with lifelong friends unfriending each other. So it was twice this week that I went out- 1 drink on Wednesday which blwas made too strong and 2 drinks on Ssturday... it most likely will be zero next week. I spent 8hr doing yardwork this weekend. Unique photog class at the park. Had a really nice lunch out today. The weather was perfect and it's not often you get to enjoy outside dining this time of the year. Conversation really felt good and was intellectually stimulating.
I think I really like the guy from Saturday. I'm 100% up front that I'm separated... that I'm not D. I'm not pursuing him because I don't want to feel responsible for him getting hurt by anything unintentional. However, if he initiates I will spend time with him.
I'm being told repeatedly how done my H is... I'm doing my best to let him go live his life.
I'm also doing my best to live mine. Of course i appreciate it when anyone wants to pray for me.
If that’s your version of getting a life than you’re an adult and can make that decision. I just wanted to point out from an outsiders perspective it looks like self medicating more than getting a life. I would just caution that you are mindful of it.
And yes I do hope you are “truly ok” and just “truly getting a life”. I just hope you look back on some of what you say here and realize how all over the place you can be. Again not picking...or making a negative comment, but you argued for pages about a dating app and how you won’t like anyone and are just making friends. Etc. Now you’re out with these “friends” liking them, kissing them and drinking with them. Sure sounds like dating to me.
And I see you skipped over the individual therapy comment.
And I really don’t have any words over the presidental election comment...that was just....yeah
Good luck KC. I’ll probably continue to follow your post on the sidelines hopeful that everything turns out ok, but I won’t comment anymore.
Last edited by JosephS; 11/09/2004:30 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I have sat and had a long conversation with my good friend about this self medicating with dating. So I recognize what may be going on and I'm working through it so I do get what you are saying Joe... I do.
I know with 100% certainty that COVID is definitely part of whats taking its toll on me. Things I would normally do are NOT happening. Mentally its getting to be a strain. I'm doing what I can on Zoom but its still so isolating. Add in that I'm home alone (S19 at college). So maybe I could make better choices but I wish better choices were available. I'm not trying to make excuses... I'm reaching out to a step sister that I don't know that well and asking to hang out and do something fun... I've been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out what that "fun" is now that its colder what few outdoor events are done and no one is risking in door events.
Yeah. I get the like attracting like which is why I'm not reaching out and chasing. I would definitely like to spend more time with this person but I realize I'm a minor car accident (not quite a train wreck... )
At work this morning. My H and I both have extremely UNIQUE names. Receptionist came to find me told me she thought she was getting punked... lol. She took a call from someone wanting to make an appt so she asked if he had been there before... he said yes... so she asked for a name... (H NAME)... she was like WHAT???? LOL. So yup. H is bringing in the puppy a week from Thursday.... Made for an interesting day but moving on.
I tend to pour out here things that I'm stewing on or processing. Getting things out and naming them is a huge way deal with them. I have doubts. I have questions. I realize I'm a hot mess at times but seriously things are so much better. Dr took me off AD's 1 mo ago... so I'm not just winging this. I have resources.
H: Do I have XX credit card? H: I don't remember opening up this card
UGH ---- business item??? Our CC's are separate but all our other accts are still joint though we are respectful about "his/her" accts.
M: You did 9yr ago. H: Do you have the card M: Cancelled 2yr ago H: Ok, I just wondered how they got my new address.
WAIT, WHAT??? You have received CC stuff in the mail and you are texting me??? How about calling the CC company??? This is not a business item... face palming myself. And, exactly how is it that I would know or care how they got your address???
KC, as you continue to go down the road of S and possibly D that your H has forced upon you, you are going to have a few convos like this. It's not at all unusual. I think you responded perfectly, your responses were business-like and to the point with no fluff or feelings added. My question is why did this very simple and straightforward interaction send you spinning? I know you're going to say "oh it didn't, I was really perfectly fine" but that "WAIT, WHAT??? paragraph very clearly shows that you were spinning. This type of interaction is really nothing at all and doesn't warrant being posted and talked about, you should be able to have a discussion like this with ZERO emotional response. I had hundreds of these convos with my XW as we went through S and D, it's just part of it. As long as you both stick to business then no problem, OK?
Quote
H: What is your work schedule the next 3 weeks H: I want to bring in puppy
Face palming again and SWIPING left. OMG.
I assume you have an assistant that handles your appointments? If so then tell him to call the office as you don't set the appointments. I still think you should tell him to find another vet, but if you feel like you need to keep seeing the dog then your H should be treated no different than any other customer.
