Have been radio silent for 24 hours. I plan to continue. She has reached out several times last night with call me! Urgent!! called 4 times, which I ignored and only responded "is it about the kids?" she did not respond back.
When she does ask me eventually why i started ignoring her my answer will be "im just focusing on me and the kids now" and thats it.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I had to ask W today if she can drop the storage key off today she hadn't done it. Then she asked me to make sure I take all my stuff out since she cannot afford 160$ a month for the storage, I replied "don't worry Ill get all my stuff out" She then asked what to do with our daughters custom dollhouse bed and I just replied "I don't have a place for it so its totally up to you." She then asked me "who is watching the kids sunday?" I Said "you are supposed to be since I to work and took a week off for your surgery" (breast reduction) she needs all the sudden lol. She responded "I have to take the kids to my moms, you can pick them up from there" "I just said no problem" that was it. Its business only and Im done trying to help her figure out her new sitch. Its on her.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I had to ask W today if she can drop the storage key off today she hadn't done it. Then she asked me to make sure I take all my stuff out since she cannot afford 160$ a month for the storage, I replied "don't worry Ill get all my stuff out" She then asked what to do with our daughters custom dollhouse bed and I just replied "I don't have a place for it so its totally up to you." She then asked me "who is watching the kids sunday?" I Said "you are supposed to be since I to work and took a week off for your surgery" (breast reduction) she needs all the sudden lol. She responded "I have to take the kids to my moms, you can pick them up from there" "I just said no problem" that was it. Its business only and Im done trying to help her figure out her new sitch. Its on her.
This is definitely a step in the right direction for you Steve_. I would encourage you to continue to try to limit your words.
"I need the storage key."
"I have no room for the doll house."
"All my stuff will be out."
"I have to work Sunday so you'll need to arrange child care."
"No problem" (THIS WAS PERFECT!)
Try to drop all formalities and niceties. "Don't worry". (WHO CARES IF SHE'S WORRIED?) "Its totally up to you." (No need to point that out, just saying you don't have room removes your responsibility for it.)
Like I said, pretty good job here, just a few tweaks to improve it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When she does ask me eventually why i started ignoring her my answer will be "im just focusing on me and the kids now" and thats it.
I wouldn't worry so much about how you will answer her questions. Frankly, I see LBH's explaining themselves way too much. She KNOWS that you SHOULD ignore her, the way she has treated you. But she's use to you being available, talking & explaining about every little thing......as if that's going to change how she feels (it doesn't), and she is used to getting her way. In this current sitch, she is not your marriage partner and you are not obligated to respond to everything. In fact, a knowing look (like, seriously?) says it all.
Don't get hung up on her b.s. Like, telling you she wasn't going to take the kids to spend the night with him there, until she was ready. That is pure WW b.s. Your pain was directed to what she previously threw out there, but you have to remember this is not the girl you married, and currently, she's not the same mother, b/c she is exposing her children to her sexual relationship with OM. So, she was ready. Actually, WW's who are in the thick of an A and busting up the family, will throw some fake statements around in the air, trying to sound like a "good" mother concerned for her babies. Hog wash! She is concerned for nobody more than herself. She may fight you tooth & nail for the kids, but it's not b/c she's this wonder mother.........it's for a couple of reasons. #1 She wants the control, and #2 she doesn't want other people talking about her being a "bad mother". Ironic, right? I'm not saying she no longer loves her children, but I am saying her priority is to feed her own selfish desires, which OM is supplying at this point. This board has seen too many WW cast aside their children's best interest, in favor of being with her affair partner.
Good job on 24 hrs of radio silence! Now, here's a challenge. When you feel a strong desire to contact her regarding something about the kids........ask yourself just how important is it that you must speak to her right that minute. There is a boat load of LBH's using the excuse of "business or kid related" to contact with their WW. I think the LBH goes through his own brand of withdrawals when he tries to stick to NC.
There is a google calendar that some separated/divorced parents share that shows the schedules, doctor appointment, activities, vacations, holidays, etc., related to the kids. That should reduce some of the back & forth texting/calls.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm impressed. Keep up the good work! For awhile, every day may be a fight to slow down communication and not come up with excuses for more words or physical contact.
Originally Posted by "Steve_"
don't worry Ill get all my stuff out
I agree with Steve that even fewer words are possible. It seems like you're trying to soothe her here, to control how she feels. I don't see any problem with a "please" or "thanks" when applicable.
She never left the storage key. She called last night face timed my son upset because I haven’t called him. I can’t while he is there I just don’t want to see OM. I told him he can call me anytime he wants I will always be here told him I love him and I miss him. I think WW was crying as well. Once we were done she turned to phone towards her and I just hung up. I didn’t ask about the storage key today. I’m not in a huge rush to move out with the in laws they love me and she is never around anymore anyways. Right now I’m standing in my new apartment reality sinking in that she is in love with OM limerance probably. And it will be a long time before anything changes. The best thing I can do is let her live her life. Stay out of it. Keep my mouth closed and so what I need to do. That’s what I’ve been doing a few days now and that’s what I’ll continue to do. Only LRT from here on out. Radio silence and just being quiet.
I found a little bright side my rent was 1120 this month instead of 1425 so I’m buying a little dining table today for 90$ I have to move forward now. It just really hurts and I feel so alone and betrayed and just broken. But I won’t talk to her. I can’t. There is nothing left to say. She’s living the good life and I’m here now. And that was her choice so she is not even my friend anymore. I was not Christ I made mistakes but i was a good man, she’s even said that. She will regret this one day I know it. Sometimes thinking about that helps. But I’ve abandoned hope. I think when i was in Iraq I planned on probably dying and that’s why I could do the things I needed to do to survive. I think I need to apply that here too. Just plan on it being the end. It probably is anyways. Then I will survive.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/06/2006:41 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
She never left the storage key. She called last night face timed my son upset because I haven’t called him. I can’t while he is there I just don’t want to see OM. I told him he can call me anytime he wants I will always be here told him I love him and I miss him. I think WW was crying as well. Once we were done she turned to phone towards her and I just hung up. I didn’t ask about the storage key today. I’m not in a huge rush to move out with the in laws they love me and she is never around anymore anyways. Right now I’m standing in my new apartment reality sinking in that she is in love with OM limerance probably. And it will be a long time before anything changes. The best thing I can do is let her live her life. Stay out of it. Keep my mouth closed and so what I need to do. That’s what I’ve been doing a few days now and that’s what I’ll continue to do. Only LRT from here on out. Radio silence and just being quiet.
I found a little bright side my rent was 1120 this month instead of 1425 so I’m buying a little dining table today for 90$ I have to move forward now. It just really hurts and I feel so alone and betrayed and just broken. But I won’t talk to her. I can’t. There is nothing left to say. She’s living the good life and I’m here now. And that was her choice so she is not even my friend anymore. I was not Christ I made mistakes but i was a good man, she’s even said that. She will regret this one day I know it. Sometimes thinking about that helps. But I’ve abandoned hope. I think when i was in Iraq I planned on probably dying and that’s why I could do the things I needed to do to survive. I think I need to apply that here too. Just plan on it being the end. It probably is anyways. Then I will survive.
Funny ho wyou say you feel alone and broken. As I embraced the idea of a life post my MR, I actually started to feel excited and hopeful! Steve_, you have been alone and broken IN your marriage for so long, can you really feel anymore alone and broken after it?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s the co-dependency, my unhealthy attachment to her that’s doing it. I know it but knowing is half the battle.
Not seeing my kids [censored]. Been with then every single day since they were born. I thought my daughter would be the first to break down it was actually my son. Imagining a life that does not include the life partner I thought I would have is tough. I still hurt thinking about her with him, being happy and care-free while the rest of us suffer. I know she is hurting in ways as well unsure and just pushing on with her choices too. It’s a disconnection between us, things were not always good but we were close. As I write that I am realizing that is in my mind only. She left me cause we weren’t close In her mind. They say the stages of grief flip for the dumper and the dumpee. I just kept resetting myself with false hopes this would turn out okay. After reading so many sitches I know it will never turn out the way I want. But that’s ok. I won’t backslide I won’t reach out. It’s just tough. I know I’ll get there.
My DB and DR books come today. I’m looking forward to them.
I’m gonna go to wal-Mart and get a couple T-shirts. I am no longer a XXL I’m just XL and shrinking lol. I’ve now lost 46 pounds.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/06/2007:57 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
She called last night face timed my son upset because I haven’t called him. I can’t while he is there I just don’t want to see OM.
I'm not sure if you meant she or he was upset. Validation techniques can be used on your children, too!
Originally Posted by Steve_
I told him he can call me anytime he wants I will always be here told him I love him and I miss him.
Good stuff. In my agreement, the kids may have contact with either parent anytime. On the flip-side, the parents don't have the right to talk to the kids anytime, although I can't recall blocking access.
