Boy I’m a glutton for punishment. You don’t listen very well. He can’t see anything but the diabolical KK who is trying to suck in back into the miserable marriage.
What time and space have you gave him? You guys talk more then most married couples?
Right now he is super happy in his new relationship. That he has made clear. Who knows how he will feel 2-5 years down the road?
The real problem KK is you know you weren’t your best self and that eats away at you. You know you could’ve been more supportive, less controlling and more playful and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I get it. But this pain you are going through is how you grow and how you make those changes permanent so you hopefully never experience this pain again.
I hear you.
Just a MAJOR Fing setback last night... carry over to this morning.
I know he can't "SEE" me right now. But, I'm still sufferring from not being "SEEN" right now. Who knows how he will feel tonight, next week, next month or next year. I get that.
I know that healing isn't linear and setbacks happen. I also accept that outside things happening right now are probably also triggering this setback.
You are 100% correct. ALL I CAN SEE is each and every time I was less than loving - sure I was tired, frustrated and grouchy but snapping at someone who is just trying to make it better is not being your best self. I miss being playful with him but I accpet that sometimes he was just mean - he was tired, stressed. That meanness hurt and I would behave less than nice just validating his meanness. The stupid part we both loved each until... until he just didn't.
Realize that I'm just rambling on today. This is my crutch... keeping it here and not screwing up LRT.
Oh KitCat, I am sorry you are having a rough go of it right now.
You have been given some really good advice, over and over on this forum, but I know in my own situation that it took looking at it from many different angles for me to see it for what it is and truly strive towards detachment.
I believe you are struggling with everything everyone is suggesting you are in the above posts. However, looking at you from a 30,000' outsider's perspective, here is what I see:
1. You are hurting deeply with the pain of rejection, so much so that it is completely defining you and limiting your ability to move into healing.
2. You have gotten so co-dependent within your R that you can't separate yourself from your WAH.
3. H has way too much power over you. No one should ever have that much power over you, ever.
4. You subconsciously believe that you will never meet a match like H. This is hindering your growth and the opportunities to move on into healing and meeting a new person.
Please consider a full-hearted, aggressive, try-everything approach to finding yourself again. You have no idea what will work or what will not, so I would try EVERYTHING. Here's my list of things I tried (ignore what doesn't fit your style):
1. Therapy is a must. Definitely talk and/or PTSD/tapping/EFT-- go twice a week if you must for a while 2. GAL 3. Bodywork (massage, reiki, etc) 4. Spiritual healers 5. Psychics/tarot/astrology 6. Church, if you are religious 7. Lean on your real-life community to talk, keep you busy, distract you 8. Journaling 9. Goal-making 10. NO CONTACT WITH H
The last one is a must until you are fully detached. And you will know when you are detached. You won't have to prove it to us or to anyone else, it will just be who you are.
KitCat you and I are really similar in how attached we are to our spouses. I am so sorry your going through this, I know it probably doesn't help much but I also cant help but blame this 100% on me too. It cant be the case, eventually the spouses will see it was them too but I think you and I need to let go of control on that who knows when that might happen. Probably no time soon. Sorry but I since last night ive accepted it after spending the day with no kids. I don't know what point you will get there, but it will come. I feel better I have let go of trying to save this, but it still hurts a lot either way for the time being.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
So I am not turning this into some political bashing...
So its S19 first presidential election... I think he may have just voted X. Shocked me for sure.. didn't see it coming. Now I want to text H...
Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
^^^ Of course did not send. This is not the first text like this I wanted to send. S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this... I never pushed food issues with my S19 (mostly because he had other issues and they were a priority... not eating food doesn't keep you out of school... biting people does... LOL!)
Im glad you didn't reach out, I know its hard, good job.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
First, very glad you didn't send this. Second, I'm curious if you think this is a positive comment? Or do you see it for the passive/aggressive comment it really is? I suspect you don't see it, so I'll break it down.
"he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him"
Implication is that you do not approve of S's voting choice, and you blame H for it.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Implication is that he has abandoned S and should feel guilty for it.
What makes it passive/aggressive is you don't overtly say these things, you bury them as implications in a way that you can take the "plausible deniability" path if he says something. For example, if he responds "are you trying to imply I don't contact S enough?" Then you can say "oh no that's not what I meant at all, he just misses you." It's a very shady statement and 100% not the sort of thing you want to be sending to a WAS (or anyone else for that matter).
Quote
S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this...
Now that would be more of a positive statement. I wouldn't text it, but put it in your pocket and maybe mention it to H sometime if/when you see him. "Oh, just wanted to say that S has been telling me about the food options he's exploring as a result of his conversations with you and that I'm glad you helped him with that." Just positive reinforcement and that's it. No "he sure does miss you" or "I wish you would talk to him more" or anything like that.
Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
First, very glad you didn't send this. Second, I'm curious if you think this is a positive comment? Or do you see it for the passive/aggressive comment it really is? I suspect you don't see it, so I'll break it down.
"he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him"
Implication is that you do not approve of S's voting choice, and you blame H for it.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Implication is that he has abandoned S and should feel guilty for it.
What makes it passive/aggressive is you don't overtly say these things, you bury them as implications in a way that you can take the "plausible deniability" path if he says something. For example, if he responds "are you trying to imply I don't contact S enough?" Then you can say "oh no that's not what I meant at all, he just misses you." It's a very shady statement and 100% not the sort of thing you want to be sending to a WAS (or anyone else for that matter).
Quote
S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this...
Now that would be more of a positive statement. I wouldn't text it, but put it in your pocket and maybe mention it to H sometime if/when you see him. "Oh, just wanted to say that S has been telling me about the food options he's exploring as a result of his conversations with you and that I'm glad you helped him with that." Just positive reinforcement and that's it. No "he sure does miss you" or "I wish you would talk to him more" or anything like that.
Yes - my statement was poorly worded for sure!! I was just putting it here and definitely if I had sent would have been more careful with word choices since texting is a horrible WAY of talking - no tone or body language.
Regardless I would NOT want to be appearing as passive aggressive....
When I thought my son voted X which would have been from H's influence not mine my thoughts were to let him know what an influence he has had on S19 for 10yr... not in any bad way what so ever. H voted X I voted Y and my S19 is free to vote where he feels comfortable but funny that he would vote X... apparently over time absorbing more of H than H or I would have guessed. ANYWAY it was not to be negative at all.
Secondly when I last saw H in person he asked about S19. I answered, was upbeat and positive but I should have reminded him he can reach out to S19 too but for some reason did not say that. While I am mind reading H NEVER reaches out to S19 I suppose from guilt... and he just wants to rip off the band aid and move on. Its crushed S19 though he will never utter that out loud. But, you are 100% correct. I would never want to guilt H into contacting S19. I would love for it to be organic... IDK what to do there.... Suggestions???
AND, the day S19 was telling me about his food plans I knew the credit for that was 100% my H... he pushed for that and S19 I suppose in wanting to be liked by this man did his best. He ate squirrel heart... WHAT??? Can't get this kid to mashed potatoes. He ate deer heart... WHAT??? He's at college eating vegetables and I'm like oh really? Good for you!!! I would love more than anything to tell H thank you and it was all his influence. But, I get that I can't.
So anyway... AS thank you for pointing out that how it was written was passive aggressive. I'm pretty much the queen of passive aggressive and something that I've been working on for some time.
KC, even in all of these well-meaning posts, I still see you spending too much time justifying your answers in terms of what it may or may not mean to H.
Where are YOU in all of this?
Who cares if you are a little passive aggressive in what you would hypothetically text to H? You are not going to text him anyway, right? Your personal growth is not going to be achieved by nitpicking at every single thing you did wrong in the M, nor what H did wrong or right in the M. That is an exercise in futility. That is you trying to pretzel yourself into a person who fits a M that no longer exists. That M is over, never to return.
You get to reinvent yourself now. You can be anyone you want! Who is the best person for KC to be for herself?
You would love for exH to reach out to S19, but you want it to be organic. Then you ask for suggestions? That’s not so organic. When and if he feels comfortable doing so, he will. Without you telling him it’s OK. He is a big boy. He doesn’t need your Ok to do it if he wants to.
And maybe your son is growing into a man deciding that he wants to try new things. Why are you desperate to give that credit to your STBXH? Give it to your son for being a man and going outside of his comfort zone!
You say you are suffering for not being seen. I understand that must be difficult for you, because I truly think you believe things would be different if he could “see you now”. But he doesn’t want to “see you” or he does “see you” but right now it doesn’t change anything for him.
And it’s a really tough pill to swallow and I’m sorry. But the only thing you can do now is keep the focus off of him and proving things to him, and just live life the way you feel is right and the only person who really needs to see you, is you.
