I'm sorry you're having a rough night. (I am too, nothing to do with my H, flipping out about the state of our country, but that is a whole other story line!!!)
When you're feeling like this-- can you focus on the reasons you're better off alone? Do you have any go-to self- care options you can pull on? Comfort TV show or movie, food item, book, cuddly blanket and cup of tea? We all have these days and the more you can find those tried-and-true methods to pull yourself out of it, the better.
((KC))
Thank you....
I was in such a bad spot last night that I pulled out some cross stitch project that I finished in 2011... lol... pulled out my sewing machine and finally got it constructed into a wall hanging. Its rare I sew anything as its just a pain to pull out the machine and establish some work space. It turned out fantastic.... and it kept me busy for hours.
I've been so checked out for months. Don't get me wrong. I did vote yesterday. But its rare if the TV is on at all post BD. I haven't watched the news in 8mo. Between BD... stress of COVID and the riots earlier this year (and who knows what's to come next).... I completely disengaged. Its TOOO PAINFUL.
If you remember back with my H's texts - he does not have internet... he does not own a tv.... THESE THINGS are complete 180's for us both. Now I have internet AND frankly he does too --- its called his cell phone. He just doesn't have traditional computer/internet. He was online gaming TONS when he lived here. I let him be as it was how he decompressed from his long commute and 12hr days.
Now he fills his time staying busy in his "workshop" at his new home. I'm sure he is happier staying physically busy than glued in front of tv/computer screen. But he is equating his happiness to NOT being with me... AND he gets to be playful with OW... his life is grand.
UGH... now I'm right back it. Sorry I will get my crap together in a couple of days again.
KC, I get the sense that you, like me, like to be in control. And you get supremely frustrated when you are not, and that frustration sometimes turns into panic. I can relate, but one of the first things I worked on in my own sitch was dropping control. Understanding I had no control over her or her decisions not only was freeing (I have become less of a control freak in the 3 years since my sitch!), but it helped me really let go and DB well (notice, not perfectly, but well).
At this point you should be full blown LRT. It is tailor fit for situations like yours.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC, I get the sense that you, like me, like to be in control. And you get supremely frustrated when you are not, and that frustration sometimes turns into panic. I can relate, but one of the first things I worked on in my own sitch was dropping control. Understanding I had no control over her or her decisions not only was freeing (I have become less of a control freak in the 3 years since my sitch!), but it helped me really let go and DB well (notice, not perfectly, but well).
At this point you should be full blown LRT. It is tailor fit for situations like yours.
Yes - my H felt very controlled especially in the later years. I do have a strong personality - sort of divide and conquer to get things done. I've spent the last several months not wanting him to feel so controlled. I've dug deep to see the root of my control issues so I can address that. And, I really have. I've truly made progress.
I completely understand that I can only control myself. I cannot control my H but I would be dishonest if I said I hadn't been more hopeful that with time and space he could have started to really see ME again. I worked on doing lots of exercises to rewire my brain because I don't want to be that control freak --- I want to let him lead. I want to make sure he feels heard.
Regardless, again yesterday TONS of compliments on my physical appearance and who I am these day. It feels good to I suppose to be validated for the work I've been doing but it would be a complete and utter lie if I said it didn't bother me that H never notices because it does.
He has this narrative in his head that he "sold" me a version of himself to get me but that its not who he really is... but here is the kicker... I knew him... I truly knew him... avid hunter, fisher, harley rider, living off the grid... and I still loved him and wanted him to have those things. He felt conflicted living in a high end home with an HOA... I was slow to change (its in my Meyers Briggs) but change I was doing but slowly. I just needed a lot of hand holding and support but he took that to mean that I wasn't really interested in... would I have bought myself a fancy Harley Helmet for $250 if I wasn't interested??? UGH.
I hate that this is all "too little too late".
I'm digressing again. Yes, I'm letting loose on my control.
Boy I’m a glutton for punishment. You don’t listen very well. He can’t see anything but the diabolical KK who is trying to suck in back into the miserable marriage.
What time and space have you gave him? You guys talk more then most married couples?
Right now he is super happy in his new relationship. That he has made clear. Who knows how he will feel 2-5 years down the road?
The real problem KK is you know you weren’t your best self and that eats away at you. You know you could’ve been more supportive, less controlling and more playful and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I get it. But this pain you are going through is how you grow and how you make those changes permanent so you hopefully never experience this pain again.
I'm having an absolute horrid night. I feel so devastated... completely gutted.
I know I'm not supposed to be spinning... but the whole sentiment about how he learned something else about himself - that he likes playing AND how LH pointed out he was really saying he likes "playing" with OW... and how he went on to say "But, you couldn't play"... It's like a 1000 daggers.
KC, let me give you a scenario. Car A is driving down the road behind car B. The light turns yellow and they both speed up to run it. Then car B chickens out and slams on their brakes. Car A sees it too late and hits car B. B blames A for trying to run the light, driving too close and going too fast. A blames B for speeding up and then slamming on their brakes, and for stopping when it looked like they were committed to go. Who's fault is it? It is really easy for anyone not directly invested in that situation to clearly see both people were at fault. They both did things wrong and that resulted in an outcome that neither of them wanted. Either one of them could have done something differently that would have yielded a different outcome, but they didn't.
You're one driver, your H the other. Your M is the accident. Was it your fault? Was it his? It was BOTH of you. Could you have done something to change the outcome? Could he? Yes you BOTH could have. But neither of you did, the accident happened, and now you deal with the aftermath rather than going back and reliving the accident over and over again to dissect why it happened, who's fault it was and whether you should have done something differently.
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He doesn't remember having those great times with me...
Does this surprise you? You do remember all our talk about "rewriting of history"? I can't remember if I've told you this but imagine all the good things that happened in the M are written in blue on a sheet of paper and all the bad things in red (this is like that "magic trick" we all played as kids with the filtered glasses). For about a year or two after BD you have red glasses on that block out all the red writing, you can only see the blue things. He has blue glasses on and only sees the red things. THIS IS HOW IT IS. And this is how it will be for quite some time. Eventually you'll BOTH lose the glasses and have a more realistic view of the M.
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He texts that he was so angry all the time and lashed out at everyone including his own kids... THAT CAN'T BE ALL ON ME... has he forgotten that his XW with held his kids not once but twice for MONTHS at a time. I always had his back. Endless atty appts, court dates, CPS calling. OMG I had to live that nightmare too you know. It killed him and I had to pick up the pieces.
So why would you want someone back that has zero appreciation for all that you did in the M? ^^^All of that^^^ has a lot more to do with him than you, don't you think?
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But, living here with me??? That was the cause of all the misery??? When will he wake up?
Years from now. IF HE EVER DOES. He may very well NEVER wake up. 25 doesn't post here anymore, but have you read her sitch? Sounds a lot like yours. She DB'd like crazy and actually did recon with her H. He continued to be the same horrible husband and father and person he was before, during and after BD and she eventually left him. In his case he never did "wake up" to his personal faults. She changed, but he never did.
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I get it... up until this last text slew it was 100% I neglected him... I rejected him as the cause of our problems, BUT now he actually typed it wasn't all my fault.
That means some real truth is starting to sink in???
I think you're misunderstanding him, he's not accepting blame. He still thinks it's all your fault. Anything he did wrong he hangs on you as the reason for it.
KC, I get the sense that you, like me, like to be in control. And you get supremely frustrated when you are not, and that frustration sometimes turns into panic. I can relate, but one of the first things I worked on in my own sitch was dropping control. Understanding I had no control over her or her decisions not only was freeing (I have become less of a control freak in the 3 years since my sitch!), but it helped me really let go and DB well (notice, not perfectly, but well).
At this point you should be full blown LRT. It is tailor fit for situations like yours.
Yes - my H felt very controlled especially in the later years. I do have a strong personality - sort of divide and conquer to get things done. I've spent the last several months not wanting him to feel so controlled. I've dug deep to see the root of my control issues so I can address that. And, I really have. I've truly made progress.
I completely understand that I can only control myself. I cannot control my H but I would be dishonest if I said I hadn't been more hopeful that with time and space he could have started to really see ME again. I worked on doing lots of exercises to rewire my brain because I don't want to be that control freak --- I want to let him lead. I want to make sure he feels heard.
Regardless, again yesterday TONS of compliments on my physical appearance and who I am these day. It feels good to I suppose to be validated for the work I've been doing but it would be a complete and utter lie if I said it didn't bother me that H never notices because it does.
He has this narrative in his head that he "sold" me a version of himself to get me but that its not who he really is... but here is the kicker... I knew him... I truly knew him... avid hunter, fisher, harley rider, living off the grid... and I still loved him and wanted him to have those things. He felt conflicted living in a high end home with an HOA... I was slow to change (its in my Meyers Briggs) but change I was doing but slowly. I just needed a lot of hand holding and support but he took that to mean that I wasn't really interested in... would I have bought myself a fancy Harley Helmet for $250 if I wasn't interested??? UGH.
I hate that this is all "too little too late".
I'm digressing again. Yes, I'm letting loose on my control.
Sorry KC, but you are putting a bandaid (exerises rewire your brain) on a gaping wound (being a control freak). There was only way I was able to break that cycle: IC
I cannot believe you are admitting (hoping time and space would make him see you again, and wanting him to notice you) all of that in light of us knowing that you are dating. THAT IS WHY YOU WERE NOT READY TO DATE.
Anyway, I am back to being a broken record with you. Sorry. At this point I think you know what you should do. I just don't think you want to do it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But, living here with me??? That was the cause of all the misery??? When will he wake up?
Years from now. IF HE EVER DOES. He may very well NEVER wake up. 25 doesn't post here anymore, but have you read her sitch? Sounds a lot like yours. She DB'd like crazy and actually did recon with her H. He continued to be the same horrible husband and father and person he was before, during and after BD and she eventually left him. In his case he never did "wake up" to his personal faults. She changed, but he never did.
I think it is AS that also says that sometimes it takes the new relationship having to hit the skids before the WAS wakes up to the fact that the LBS wasn't the cause of all the misery. It goes something like this:
- WAS is miserable - WAS blames LBS - WAS separates/divorces/starts a PA with someone new - WAS eventually realizes that though they are with someone else they are still miserable - WAS realizes that LBS wasn't the cause of their misery
Here is the thing, that doesn't mean he'll want to get back together which I know you are still banking on.
And then there is this: Why is your self-esteem so low that you would be willing to allow this man to do all of this to you, and then "wake-up" and come back? It saddens me that KC doesn't see the truth (you weren't the cause of his misery) and that you are no longer willing to take him back because he engaged in a deal-breaker (cheating).
Wow. Just realized that I think I had this same discussion with you about 8 months ago.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KC im in that same canoe going down the same creek, My W blamed me for all her unhappiness and thinks OM will fix her happiness which is why she has destroyed everything we built. Its not just you, WW/WH whatever are not healthy people. Sure, "hopefully" they will hit the skids as steve said and their relationship will fail. That don't stop them from going to someone else and not back to us even if it does fail and maybe they picked someone better for them, and I think in time if we do enough work we can too. I know this is not what we want to hear but its the facts.
Last edited by Steve_; 11/04/2006:36 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I think it is AS that also says that sometimes it takes the new relationship having to hit the skids before the WAS wakes up to the fact that the LBS wasn't the cause of all the misery. It goes something like this:
- WAS is miserable - WAS blames LBS - WAS separates/divorces/starts a PA with someone new - WAS eventually realizes that though they are with someone else they are still miserable - WAS realizes that LBS wasn't the cause of their misery
Yes exactly, but it takes me like 3 times as many words to say the same thing
