Being a woman whose H cheated and left, i dont expect that i Will get 100% of everything. I think it all comes down to financial position if we are talking assets, if we/he could afford to just walk away from the house i see no reason why not. I think the children conversation is a totally separate one And will very much depend on two adults and how much involvement they both want to have.
NO! NO! NO! Do not give up your share of the house, finances, and especially rights to the kids. No way would I settle for less than 50/50 with the kids, or what I'm entitled to financially.
BL42,
i have no intention of losing kids or finances. Last year we signed a separation agreement and I agreed to be bought out but she had to get a better job so she could refinance the house. Before the ink was even dry she wanted to break the agreement because she had secretly met someone. So now I will be buying her out and she will move in with OM. She'll have 50/50 custody though I'll have slightly more than 50% because they'll be with me Mon to Fri evening and then we'll split the holidays.
Her opinion was that I should be the one to move out (with nothing!) and she should keep the house, raise the kids and keep pretty much everything. I told her I would never move out so another man could move in and take my place. She even told me I could have the kids every other weekend! How generous of her!
Being a woman whose H cheated and left, i dont expect that i Will get 100% of everything. I think it all comes down to financial position if we are talking assets, if we/he could afford to just walk away from the house i see no reason why not. I think the children conversation is a totally separate one And will very much depend on two adults and how much involvement they both want to have.
I'm sorry you went through that ordeal. You should get half. It depends on the property division of your state.
I think the cheating spouse should be the one to leave.
An update....I've applied to refinance the house and buy WW out. She told me she wouldn't leave the house till she got her money. Now she's saying she wants to leave the house next month even before the buyout,
We are currently going through mediation. She is a full blown WW. She charged almost $1,000 to her credit card to get a pull out sofa for OM living room so my girls have somewhere to sleep. She bought a complete living room SET not just a pull out sofa. She wanted her buyout money to fix up OM basement so my girls could have a bedroom since a refinance takes time so she went ahead and did this.
She tells me things and forgets them and then changes the story over and over again. She is losing her mind and it's terrible, to see someone self destruct and at the expense of our kids.
It feels like something else is at the steering wheel because she is going against all her norms.
I am in shock and disbelief at the things that come out her mouth.
Added that even tho we are sure to D I still think about reconciling in the far distant future.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
My only caution is not le the "I still think about reconciling in the far distant future" inform your DBing decisions. Lots of debate on here about hope, should I have any, do I need to lose all hope. I think LBSs put way too much emphasis on it. Especially since even if there is hope it could be months and years (to quote LH) before it ever becomes a possibility. And lots of WASs like to keep their LBSs hanging on so eventually it a lot sitches it is the LBS that gives up and pulls the plug on future reconciliation.
I've told the story about my ex-GF, that deep down could never really see me as more than a friend (with benefits). She tried to keep me hanging on even into our marriages. But I decided after an EA her and I had with her 10 years ago (that I've admitted to on this forum) that I was pulling the plug. I am now to the point with her that even if her husband and my wife were out of the picture, I would not be open to a love relationship with her ever again!. I believe that LBSs eventually get to that place with their WAS. AS, LH and others have pointed this out to many LBSs.
So have your hope, but DB as if there is none.
Last edited by Steve85; 11/04/2002:48 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Added that even tho we are sure to D I still think about reconciling in the far distant future. So have your hope, but DB as if there is none.
This is exactly what I need to do as well. I reached the point last night where I don't think there is hope anymore. Its kind of good in some ways to have it gone.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Added that even tho we are sure to D I still think about reconciling in the far distant future.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
My only caution is not le the "I still think about reconciling in the far distant future" inform your DBing decisions. Lots of debate on here about hope, should I have any, do I need to lose all hope. I think LBSs put way too much emphasis on it. Especially since even if there is hope it could be months and years (to quote LH) before it ever becomes a possibility. And lots of WASs like to keep their LBSs hanging on so eventually it a lot sitches it is the LBS that gives up and pulls the plug on future reconciliation.
I've told the story about my ex-GF, that deep down could never really see me as more than a friend (with benefits). She tried to keep me hanging on even into our marriages. But I decided after an EA her and I had with her 10 years ago (that I've admitted to on this forum) that I was pulling the plug. I am now to the point with her that even if her husband and my wife were out of the picture, I would not be open to a love relationship with her ever again!. I believe that LBSs eventually get to that place with their WAS. AS, LH and others have pointed this out to many LBSs.
So have your hope, but DB as if there is none.
Thank you Steve for your reply. Another issue which I am finally getting help with is I was born with ADHD. It's not just about lack of focus and attention. It affects all areas of life. My parents tried to control it with diet when I was younger but something more is needed. I started taking medication for this recently. I was not attentive to WW needs and I got distracted easily. She took that to mean lack of interest, and out relationship deteriorated. ADHD does affect marriages, I found a website out there on it.
I absolutely intend to DB and even though she is with OM, because her relationship was built on lies it may end on lies. It's impossible to say what the future will bring.
Added that even tho we are sure to D I still think about reconciling in the far distant future. So have your hope, but DB as if there is none.
This is exactly what I need to do as well. I reached the point last night where I don't think there is hope anymore. Its kind of good in some ways to have it gone.
Steve,
I go back and forth, like a pendulum. One day I'm certain it's over, the other I'm hoping for future reconciliation.
One thing I do know is my WW was (past tense) a good person with good morals. She is now a selfish monster and a full blown WW.
She has made terrible choices, said outrageous things, tells me I'm only right from a "legal perspective" when I tell her she has committed adultery. I have all the evidence and she is conducting an adulterous affair from our home in front of my kids.
Because this behavior would have been so completely alien to her just two years ago I have to assume that at some point in the future, she will "come to her senses." She may never come back to me, but the horrors of what she has done will come back to her and she will have to learn to live with her guilt.
She insists she has to do this and is on a new path and she cries over our children.
Well my WW finally moved out and in with OM. She lives in a town 10 miles away outside the school district. We have 50/50 custody though in reality I have them the school week and she has the Fri evening till she drops them off Monday morning. My two girls are sharing a bedroom and sleeping in twin beds over there. With me they have their own room and full size beds. They're teenagers too, so no privacy there, and they have to share the house with OM's 3 kids.
Although many have told me I can move on and heal and be happy the truth is while I'm glad the toxic atmosphere has gone, I'm not celebrating or having a party. I've lost my wife, though as many say here, she is not the girl I married. My WW brazenly conducted an affair in front of my two daughters. I told her this is a family home with family values and that she should be ashamed of herself.
Her reply? "Alright drh"
I said it's not alright, it's all wrong. And at this time of year too.
She is getting some pushback from family who don't agree with her choices.
I have been keeping a journal of everything that happened since last September when she dropped the bomb. It's incredible how accurate sandi is when she describes in detail a wayward wife.
