Steve_letting go part 1

[OnlyBent]

I can't begin to tell how many cases I've seen where the WW turns it on the LBH, and tells him she can't trust him.

I can vouch for this, found all her lies in her messages, guess what she says...I need to earn her trust back!

[Steve_]

She is taking kids tonight and overnight with OM at her place. She told me she didn’t want to do that until she was ready. Again she says one thing and does another. I just don’t understand her anymore. She says “if I wanted to tell everyone this is what I want I could, there is no need to buy time” but then she does things that are opposite of that moving right along with OM. I feel like this is just getting the kids adjusted to this day by day until they are there and she’s sleeping in our bed with him and it’s the new normal. It [censored] to swallow that pill but I don’t believe what she says, and Im sure this is another of her 1,000 lies. I need to just remind myself the M is over, it has been for some time and thinking anything else is just a recipe for more hurt. I just hate the lying, i would rather have the hard truth than all these lies. I am holding myself back from accepting and grieving this because each lie she says that she is still “thinking about it or seeing if this is what she wants” keeps me from accepting it. She does this to keep me as plan B. It’s just sick.

[OnlyBent]

I understand Steve, the lying [censored], you are not alone in this. It’s hard because the lying feels like such a dagger, but it’s not personal, they all do it. My W since the day I met said she hates liars and cheats more than anything. She cut a good friend out of her life because she lied once. Since BD, I’ve lost count of the times she has looked me in the eye and flat out lied. Even when I’ve shown her proof, she’ll lie more about that. Funnily enough, when I read her messages to OM, she had lied to him too!

[Steve_]

I dropped the kids off. No talks just loaded the car. She commented to me “damn dude are you on a starvation diet” I said “no” it’s funny i actually ate some pizza today lol. She asked “is that it” I said “yep” and she backed away all awkward towards her car like I was gonna snap or something. I just gave her a hug and walked away. She stood there for a second watching me walk off. I think she could defiantly see the pain in my eyes as I handed our kids over. But I did not cry, I did talk. I just did the thing and left. I wont respond to her at all until it’s time to pick up the kids. Being so available doesn’t allow her to miss me and feel any loss like I am going through. I want her to feel that she is losing me too, because she is so I’m just gonna stop talking I’ve been really good at keeping it short and business. No anger just short.

Oh I can garuntee she lies to OM lol he has no idea what he gave up for her, the second he gets comfortable he’s toast. She’s not even sexually attracted to him is is just a “nice guy” that made her feel special and heard when I didn’t. He’s on the road to disaster I garuntee it lol. It’s a matter of time. She will stay with him and be unhappy and probably cheat or just stay with him and be miserable. He’s shiny and new now, but there was a reason his marriage sucked too and them getting together and being in love didn’t teach them a damn thing. I’m the one that learned here

[LH19]

So you gave her a hug?

[Ginger1]

You hugged her? You hug the woman cheating on you ?

[SteveLW]

Steve_ you really need to read DR. Until then treat her like the cashier in the store (read sandi's rules and know them inside and out).

[LH19]

Steve I want to start off by saying that I understand you are hurting and my heart goes out to you and your children. I also want to say that this will probably be my last post to you because I think you are so jacked up on emotion that you will not take anything out of it. Your number one goal should be to forget about your marriage and save yourself because honestly I am concerned you may do something drastic to you or her. You mentioned getting help from VA and I think it's an excellent idea.

You like most people including myself came to this board a broken person. Let's face it healthy people would not be trying to save a marriage when the other spouse wants out and is usually having an affair. A healthy person would be the one doing the walking and filing for divorce. When you get here the number one and only goal is to save your marriage. It takes a really long time to switch gears and realize the best thing to do is to save yourself and in turn it is also the best thing to do to save your marriage. When you have been here a really long time and you become healthy and strong from all the work you put in you realize the best thing to do is to find another partner that is happy and healthily like you. That is rarely your spouse or ex spouse because they typically don't do the work necessary. If you come here and do the work you become the Another Stander, Steve85, Ginger, DejaVu and Mr. Brightside's of the board. If you do not you will become the Wolfman or the Andy P's of the board. I suspect you won't be around long because you will be out searching the internet for the magic bullet.

I will give you some feedback on your last encounter.

She asked “is that it” I said “yep” and she backed away all awkward towards her car like I was gonna snap or something.

She doesn't feel safe and comfortable around you and that is a must for a woman.

I just gave her a hug and walked away.

I already addressed this but you know that shouldn't of happened.

She stood there for a second watching me walk off. I think she could defiantly see the pain in my eyes as I handed our kids over.

Seeing you in pain is not attractive. Seeing you happy and tapping your toes is attractive.

I want her to feel that she is losing me too, because she is so I’m just gonna stop talking I’ve been really good at keeping it short and business. No anger just short.

Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where Kramer stops talking because he keeps getting in trouble with his mouth? That's what you remind me of where he keeps saying "starting now".

Oh I can garuntee she lies to OM lol he has no idea what he gave up for her, the second he gets comfortable he’s toast.

Can you predict the future?

She’s not even sexually attracted to him is is just a “nice guy” that made her feel special and heard when I didn'’t.

This is where you are wrong and don't understand women. If he makes her feel special and heard that's what she is attracted to. You did not and that is one of the many reasons she's no longer attracted to you anymore.

He’s on the road to disaster I garuntee it lol. It’s a matter of time. She will stay with him and be unhappy and probably cheat or just stay with him and be miserable.

Can you predict the future? Also you paint such a glowing picture of her. Why do you want her back?

I’m the one that learned here

What did you learn Steve?

[mtb1981]

You are WAAAAYYYY to concerned with her learning a lesson, feeling remorse/regret, etc. Who cares? This is about you, Steve. Forget her. Your W is an awful human being, and you deserve much better than that. Her reactions and choices should be like water off a duck's back to you. STOP TALKING TO HER!!!! And don't get me started with that hug. Were you trying to smell OM's cologne on her or something? She a horrible, lying cheater. Stay away from her. Friday can't get here soon enough, my friend. You'll do a lot better once you get in the new place...

Your apartment should be your new focus. And your frame of mind on the subject should be positive. You're NOT going to wallow in pity and cry about how your family is broken. You're NOT going to let this new place be a place of sadness and depression. This is a new start. A new, better life. It's exciting! You get your own place to do whatever it is you want with. Have fun picking new things out with your kids. Make this new pad awesome! You're gonna want to be there. You're kids are gonna want to be there. It will be a drama free no BS zone. It's going to be great. Don't let your mind trick you into thinking anything otherwise...

[Steve_]

yeah I definitely should not have hugged her. I see how that was stupid and needy. I just wanted things to be on good terms, she had that look on her face like "this is awkward" She knew she told me that she wouldn't take them there yet and she did anyway. I exaggerated by saying she was uncomfortable, like I was gonna do something, by now after all this she knows I wont. I just felt a lot of tension and tried to stop it. Like I said I didn't cry, didn't talk, just kept it 1-2 word answers and left. Havent said a word since. I think laying in my bed alone last night with my kids gone for the first time ever made me see things different. I will be honest here and Ive had hope that she might change her mind, feel regret or remorse or guilt. It [censored] but yeah she definitely is not feeling any of that, only I am and I shouldn't be. Im sticking to my goals of letting her go. Was just a tough first kid exchange. Don't give up on me guys Ill get there.

Your right LH I cant predict the future, OM could be the one for her and she may marry him and stay there forever, guess I need to accept that and stop thinking otherwise. If there is one thing that dropping my kids off in a grocery store parking lot last night taught me is that shes gone. And I need to accept it and stop trying to make her love me. She doesn't anymore.