Listen Scotty you certainly have the right to tell you kids that this is not mutual and is your Ws decision because technically it is her who wants the D. You are risking her being more resentful of you and using this as another ploy to keep her in the marriage. Your kids are awful young to take on the burden of thinking their. Mother is single handling destroying the family structure. There will be time in the future when they are old enough for the truth but I hope your side of the street is squeaking clean. Just my take on it Scotty B.
IMO you should have taken your S's side in the argument and be a leader of the family. I think your son was sort of counting on you to have his back. Try to be more alpha.
With that in mind I agree with you to not play the D as a "mutual" thing. That being said, it is not the paramount thing here. I do believe this is what LH had in mind. If you go on a defensive from the start, the true message will be lost. And the true message is twofold:
1. what ever happens, your kids must be ABSOLUTELY sure that you love them both.
AND
2. they have to know that the divorce is NOT their fault in any shape or form. And this point must be reiterated several times during the conversation.
With that being said, the end point is that it IRRELEVANT who's fault the divorce is. The truth will come out sooner or later and rest assured, the truth will come out. I would suggest you and your W agree prior to the talk that you will not go down the mutual D talk road .
Scotty I think you really have to be honest with yourself on why you want to tell your children it is not mutual. Really dig down deep. Is it really because it's the Christian thing to do? In one of your earlier you mentioned you were in bed with your W premarrige while she had a boyfriend. Now I'm not religious but I am pretty sure that is not the Chistian thing to do.
LH - Fair. I’m not sure this is the place for redemption stories of this nature but when I was 17 I prayed that God would Leave my life. I was broken and lonely and wanted to have “fun”. Many years later i prayed the opposite prayer and now have a very different focus.
Vapo - great points. I need to keep the kids front and center. My anger may cloud my thoughts during that conversation and I need to stay focused on the kids. I’ll own my part if that comes up, but if it comes up or I’m asked, I will not say that i want a divorce or that I don’t think we could work this out. Maybe that is not opening the bird cage door the right way, but I’m struggling with my value after being kicked to the curb by my spouse. The one thing i can hold onto was that I never gave up, she did. That’s her right, she can do that. But I’m not going to own her decision, it’s hers.
Before you make a decision I would ask yourself if what you are about to do brings you closer to your goal or away from it. Look if you want to do the Christian thing and tell the truth that’s fine. If you want your kid’s resenting your W for this while they are already going through a difficult time that’s your right too. One of the number problems with people on the board are they are so desperate to save their marriage out of fear they have no patience. The truth always has a a way of coming out one way or another.
Scott, all of the expert advice I've read on talking to the kids says to keep the kids out of the details. "Mommy and daddy just do not love each other anymore." type of statements. Things that do not cast blame on either parent. Make it seem as mutual as you possibly can without lying.
Son: "Dad, is this what you want?" You: "I want what is best for everyone, including you kids and your mom."
Notice, didn't lie. Didn't say: "Nope, this is all on your mother!"
And trust me, the kids will know. They don't have to be specifically told. Kids are much more perceptive than you think they are. The truth always has a way of winning out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Last edited by job; 11/02/2009:51 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
