It doesn't matter how many Purple Hearts you have or how good looking you are, until you fix yourself you will continue to attract women who treat you badly.
[quote=LH19]
How does one fix oneself LH19? IC, reading, getting out there and practising bring the new person you want to be?
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
It doesn't matter how many Purple Hearts you have or how good looking you are, until you fix yourself you will continue to attract women who treat you badly.
Originally Posted by LH19
How does one fix oneself LH19? IC, reading, getting out there and practising bring the new person you want to be?
IMO IC is a must in the beginning. The gym is a must. A good diet. Learning a new skill. Reading. Every man should read “how to be a 3% man”. Learn to listen and validate. Set goals. Learn to be alone. Meditation. Yes decide the man you want to be then practice becoming that person. Repetition is the mother of skill. Learn to be patient. Always be positive. Surround yourself with people you deem better then you. Most important be a great dad. I’m pretty fit and considered handsome but I get the most compliments on being a great dad.
I will add to LH's list: if so inclined, reconnect with religion. Renew your wardrobe. If you are a man that has been in a dead-end job, get a new one or go back to school to work towards the career you want.
In short, stop floating through life and take control of your life!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OB (and Steve) - That’s exactly it. What would you do if you W had died? Sit in your house for the next five years wishing she would return. No... If you are a healthy person, you would grieve the loss and then you would start to build a new life and move forward. This is no different only the person didn’t die, they are just choosing someone or something else so your ego takes a giant hit and it is their rejection of you that keeps you stuck.
If you do the work, you will be shocked (in a good way) at how well you can do without this person you thought you needed. You don’t NEED them to be happy. You don’t. You just think you do. Trust me...I’ve been there. I joined this site two years ago...a mess. Not eating, not sleeping, barely putting one foot in front of the other. The people on here pushed and pulled me through this process which is why I am still here...to help support others and to let them know that if they aren’t able to save their marriage (I figured out mine wasn’t worth saving), they can save themselves. That and there IS life after divorce and it can be a GREAT one.
Let go of the fear. I was SO afraid. Afraid I couldn’t handle things on my own financially. I can. Afraid that I would feel sad forever and watching my H build a life with someone else (we share kids so I do have to coparent with him) would destroy me. Guess what? It doesn’t bother me a bit anymore. When I see him, we are friendly and I am not angry or sad. I am detached. He is someone I used to love but not someone who is worthy of my love now...if he ever was. My biggest fear was that no one else would ever love me. I went on a ton of dates and through that process, I realized there are a lot of other people out there who find me attractive and I realized that I could find someone else. And guess what? I’ve been in a relationship for the last three months with a great guy who has had a similar past to me...not just in how he was raised but also in how his marriage ended. As he likes to say...we were living in lock step. He is loyal, honest, expressive, a great dad and a positive, upbeat friendly person. He’s tall, dark and handsome and seven years younger than me...lol. It’s early days but he talks like we will be together forever so I know he is committed. I also know that if that changes, I will be 100% okay. I’ve been through hell and come out the other side a better, stronger me and I know I can not only survive but thrive.
Drop the rope. Face your fears. You can do this. (((HUGS)))
Steve, I'm about to come find you and sew your lips shut...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
We've been trying to warn you that someone who lies and cheats in one area will probably do so in another. She cheated on you, she moved in with OM, and she introduced OM to the kids.
There is no reason to believe any of her words. The things she "admitted" about the OM are likely lies, too. Sometimes we like to pick and choose what we believe, especially the "problems with OM" narrative.
Originally Posted by Steve_
d “Mr xxxx is my moms new boss, he gives us money when we work with her, he is her new Roomate dad he is the mega boss” I just sank. I asked them please don’t tell me about that anymore okay.
Steve, think this through. Your son is trying to express the changes going on around him and you're shutting him down. You probably want him to feel safe confiding in his father. There is a great thread on validation here, and it applies as much to one's children as it does to re-connecting with spouses.
Note, I'm not saying to try to push him to get info about the situation over there.
Originally Posted by Steve_
The second one came in and I answered she said how you doing, I said good. She said some stuff about moving out and how i would have nothing and Offered to help I said “don’t worry about it” I don’t even care anymore I said “my kids told me you been taking him around him..
Talky, again?! Besides hurting detachment and reconciliation, in this talky you told her your son was a whistleblower. That throws him under the bus (she may take action to reduce the chances that he blabs again). Incidentally, her life is easier--she doesn't need to maintain this lie and knows your source of info. I agree you can do better than this woman, so any impact on your son and detachment is most important. Props for your service, and props for helping your community as a nurse.
Yeah I know Ive been talking too much. I said a whole lot less last nite. The kids already knew OM, his wife and his kids we were all friends. They just told me he has been in the picture now giving them money, literally trying to buy my children's favor. Grooming them for the big F'in bomb drop oh hey im your moms boyfriend too. That hurt bad. real bad.
I have been tempted to tell her how much she hurt me, how much my life is like jerry springer now and I would watch other people with stories im living and be like damn......
I have said not a single word all day to her, last night when she said "see you later?" I just took my kids in my room and went to sleep. I cant even begin to believe this is happening. But it is, and the reality [censored]. Its been 3 days since OM has been there drop and I cant believe this man. I want to tell her so badly how could you do this to me? but all that will do is make her dig up the reasons, say them again, justify and push me away more. So I say nothing. Sometimes I go outside and cry for a minute or two. I write her long emails and then delete them. Until you have had your guts ripped out like this, there is no way to understand the personal embarrasment, the defeat. I have spun into a depression. Ive lost 40 pounds in 40 days. I dont eat, I dont sleep, this constantly consumes my mind and soul. I started to break down just applying for the electicity for this new aparment. I dont even have a bed, blankets, toilet paper nothing. And once I pay to move in, ill be struggling financially for a long time, alone, brokenhearted, missing the life I had because i took my wife for granted. A brand new home a beautiful woman and a happy family, gone because I got comfortable and let her slip away. Its so important to be in tune with your partner. I cant even begin to explain how dissapointed I am in myself for letting this happen, and how hard it is not to fight back and accept this with her. To let her go without a fight. I guess I need to see DB'ing as fighting, and just stick to doing it. Its day one and i havent said a word to her. I dont have anything to say anymore, it wont even matter and if i talk to her she will just lie to me anyways. I was deluded to believe she still loved me, you dont do this to someone you love. I miss her every second of every day and am eaten alive by regret, yet I feel so betrayed and hurt at the same time. I think i should focus on those feelings instead of the regret and missing her, maybe it will help me see her in the light she really is in. I am looking forward to the day that I dont care anymore about her, but I know that will be a long time from now.
So for now I remain silent, and just try to make my life not suck as much as I can. Moving out will help, but also hurt being so lonely. I suppose thats part of this process.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Slow, I still am staying here and she is too. On her days. I got home and she kinda blamed me for moving out. I just shrugged like “what can I do” She got mad like “oh I have to live at my moms with my kids and you will have your own place and your own life?” I was like “leave the kids with me then” she didn’t want to have to get up early and get them and so on. She blamed me for moving too fast. She said “I’ll have to take them there” and I said well you wanted to not show them things yet so idk stay with your mom.. she said “I’ll just sleep in the room with our daughter then” I shrugged and said I don’t want my kids to get hurt if I can help them I will. I’ll always be a good dad. She also got mad because the kids told her that daddy doesn’t want to seperate and he loves you. My son asked me awhile back why we are seperating I told him I don’t know. But I don’t want to and I love your mom a lot but this is what she needs so I have to do it. I have to live in my own place now and I don’t want to but that is how it is now. I hate lying to them I don’t tell them details but I don’t lie. I don’t want to be seperated and move away but I have to. My wife told me i looked really good today. She gave me flirty eyes a couple times as asked if I was okay. I tried to keep things short and just like not emotional at all. Moving out will make this whole thing hard but it’s what I need to do. She has become a totally different person, she is living a whole different life that doesn’t include me anymore. I have to just accept it and stop holding out any hope it will change. I kept our interaction as light as possible, even laughed a little and stuff around her. There was a couple of moments where reality slipped in but i handled it well i didn’t get mad or argue. Or anything. She sees I’m destroyed but I’m doing the best I can. And I’ll be there for the kids. That is what counts now. Once I move out things will be a lot harder and also sort of better. Seeing her is hard but it will fade in time. Moving out pushed her plan forward but i know I made the right choice for me. I have to let go of her and accept this and each day that passes hurts but one day I know I’ll get over it. I’m just not there yet. I planned on having a friend over next week when I move in I know the first day alone with just a couch and an empty place will hurt and I don’t want to do it alone.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Good lord Steve. How old are your kids? That’s what you told your son?!? You don’t want it, but it’s what she needs you you have to do it???” That isn’t even tru and shouldn’t be true. You are a psych nurse right? You should know better. “It’s an adult decision mommy and daddy had to make but we both love you very much” that’s what you say. You need this separation just as much as her, my friend. She can’t stop cheating on you. Moving out isn’t because this is what mommy needs. So you lied just as well.
You should really see a psychologist to get some guidance on how to handle this with the kids. Because this isn’t working.
My ex left me when my daughter was 6 months old for his mistress. It’s 13 years later. I should some discord towards them in the beginning and as soon as I saw it was affecting her , I stopped real fast. She still doesn’t know what happened to this day, except I did let her know it was initially not my choice. And that much information didn’t come until way later when she could see I was doing well, he is doing well, and we all get along.
Be careful around the kids, please. And don’t give in to her manipulations either.
I hope you are in IC. It will help you process and deal with your emotions
