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A Message from Michele
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Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2881679
01/21/20 03:46 PM
01/21/20 03:46 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
Steve,

That prompt a thought process.

My BD was the end of June/beginning of July. She started to be in regular contact with OM around that same time. Her first visit with him was the end of July. My discovery was the end of August. I signed up for this forum at the end of August as well.

When I first signed up I had help from the some great folks.

25-She really brought me back down to reality and gave a great perspective of my WW and what her point of view of our relationship was like. She was a military spouse and a active duty officer. She had a wealth of knowledge.

AS-Really harped on me detaching with love- I really dove into that concept and worked hard not to be mean and vindictive.

Sandi-Rode me hard on gaining respect for myself and not allowing my WW to disrespect.

TxHubby-He talked about, and really talked about reinventing yourself and validating yourself and how much of a great catch you as a LBS really is. He talked about how the Way spouses are not good people at the moment (this resonated with me a lot). They are doing a bad thing and they shouldn't be rewarded.

I also had a the community of every other person going through their situation to help provide support and help. The community aspect was awesome for me.

It took me about a week to really start to grasp the DB concept and detach. I pick up and implement things really well. I'm also in the military and I have moved around a lot, so detaching was as hard as I thought it would be.

But thinking back on my sitch, I wonder where I and marriage would be, if I didn't find this forum as fast as I did.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2904498
09/25/20 04:51 PM
09/25/20 04:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
It has been over 3 years since BD and almost 3 years since Recon. Time has went by fast.

My wife and I has way more respect for each other. We communicate inside that respect, which is great. We have disagreements, but now we listen and try to understand the otherside. I'm very stubborn and so is she, so sometimes it gets frustrating. But it's great to feel the respect. I have mostly lost the feeling of being afraid of her leaving or cheating. It lingers but dissipates fast. Her actions.........seems to show she is more in love with me that anytime in our Marriage. I only go off of actions now. .She has put in the work to make me feel secure in the M.

We are raising 4 boys so that's its on sector of the M. And we seem to understand that better. I'm so glad that I had 25 on here giving me advice beyond my M, but honing in on My faults with me and my fathering skills. My relationship with my boys have improved a lot and that has made my W really happy. My wife and I started to realize that's no such thing as a perfect mate/soul mate. It's all hard work, no matter who you are with.

I have to decide if I'm going to retire or PCS. My kids are finally settled and happy. They have been following me around for the last decade, so...................................we will see.

My wife has started her own business. Supporting her working through her dreams. That's about it.

We keep forging forward.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2904623
09/28/20 12:55 PM
09/28/20 12:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,567
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
It has been over 3 years since BD and almost 3 years since Recon. Time has went by fast.

My wife and I has way more respect for each other. We communicate inside that respect, which is great. We have disagreements, but now we listen and try to understand the otherside. I'm very stubborn and so is she, so sometimes it gets frustrating. But it's great to feel the respect. I have mostly lost the feeling of being afraid of her leaving or cheating. It lingers but dissipates fast. Her actions.........seems to show she is more in love with me that anytime in our Marriage. I only go off of actions now. .She has put in the work to make me feel secure in the M.

We are raising 4 boys so that's its on sector of the M. And we seem to understand that better. I'm so glad that I had 25 on here giving me advice beyond my M, but honing in on My faults with me and my fathering skills. My relationship with my boys have improved a lot and that has made my W really happy. My wife and I started to realize that's no such thing as a perfect mate/soul mate. It's all hard work, no matter who you are with.

I have to decide if I'm going to retire or PCS. My kids are finally settled and happy. They have been following me around for the last decade, so...................................we will see.

My wife has started her own business. Supporting her working through her dreams. That's about it.

We keep forging forward.


jj, great update. It is funny how similar our sitches are. I will hit three years post-BD on 12/23. And Recon started in earnest in March of 2018. So I am 3 and 3 too. The dynamic between my W and I are very similar to yours. And my relationship with my D is so much better now than it was 3 years ago too. IN many ways, my R with my D was in worse place than my R with my W was! And it took longer to recover. It took longer for my D to trust and embrace my changes. But in the last year things with her are so much better. And similar to you the mutual love and respect between my W and I are better than at any other time in our MR.

Great to hear your update. Keep up the good work. Like R2C likes to say, you never stop DBing!


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2904675
09/28/20 06:50 PM
09/28/20 06:50 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 199
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BL42 Offline
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
So to simplify:
WS-starts to operate off feelings
WS-makes decision off of feelings and causes damage
LBS-creates distance and allows space
WS-starts to feel some form of loss, maybe the distance of the LBS creates that
WS-Starts to reflect-reflection started because some form of GREAT loss
WS-becomes remorseful-which allows the WS to re-open their heart

Notice there is only one step for the LBS. Every other step is on the WS.

So, I have learn to give space, time and distance and have learned when to close the gap. Oh, I'm still learning.

Great summary! Thanks for sharing!


Me:39 W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:5 D:2
BD/IHS/Suspect OM: 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
W/OM1's work & OM1's W know: 5/20
W moves out: 6/20-7/20
W w/OM2: 6/20-7/20
W files for D: 7/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2904676
09/28/20 06:55 PM
09/28/20 06:55 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 199
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BL42 Offline
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joejoe1,

Originally Posted by joejoe1
It has been over 3 years since BD and almost 3 years since Recon. Time has went by fast.

My wife and I has way more respect for each other. We communicate inside that respect, which is great. We have disagreements, but now we listen and try to understand the otherside. I'm very stubborn and so is she, so sometimes it gets frustrating. But it's great to feel the respect. I have mostly lost the feeling of being afraid of her leaving or cheating. It lingers but dissipates fast. Her actions.........seems to show she is more in love with me that anytime in our Marriage. I only go off of actions now. .She has put in the work to make me feel secure in the M.

...

We keep forging forward.


I'm happy for you, and thanks for sharing. I wasn't familiar w/your situation but just read your latest thread. It's wonderful you take the time to come back here and update folks who were following your story as well as give insight into your story for the newer folks. For the newer members it's good to hear some positive results in terms of reconcilition of the marriage because even if theirs end in divorce it gives hope at the early stages which helps get them out of a funk/depression and focused on moving forward with what they can do. And for others who have been here awhile it gives good perspective into how difficult the R can be, and how to work through it.

AnotherStander said it best earlier in the thread:

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Great update, thank you for continuing to keep us informed of your progress! A lot of new people here get discouraged that there aren't more success stories, but it's usually because people just quit posting when things turn around. It's always great to hear success stories though, and it's very helpful to see posts like yours where you talk about the struggles you are going through in recon. People need to know that recon doesn't mean the struggles and hard work are over! If anything the hardest work STARTS at recon.

Appreciate your time! Hope things continue to go well.


Me:39 W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:5 D:2
BD/IHS/Suspect OM: 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
W/OM1's work & OM1's W know: 5/20
W moves out: 6/20-7/20
W w/OM2: 6/20-7/20
W files for D: 7/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907089
10/29/20 07:59 PM
10/29/20 07:59 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
Update,

Almost our three year recon anniversary. Halloween will be that day. Oddly!

My thoughts. Over the last month, I was having thoughts of being revengeful. I just had feelings of making her feel, the way I felt three years ago. I don't know why or where they were coming from, but I couldn't kick the feeling. I sat my wife down and we talked about it. It was a good talk and it helped. The feeling has started to subside some. I decided to put more effort into my W.

My W perspective: She listened and she gave her input, she says I can't leave her, and I already had my revenge, that's another story. I just looked at her, like really, get the hell out of here. She has really worked hard to make me feel comfortable with trusting her. (Oh, and I didn't say, I would never leave her, I won't ever say that again)

Our M: We are best friends. We talk about everything. We discuss every problem together. She's is truly the woman I wanted to marry.

My feelings/emotions: My feelings and our M are two different things and I know that I have to control my emotions. I have applied a lot that I have learned here and what I have learned from the many books I read and counselors I have seeked out.

I promise, that reconciliation doesn't get easier. It's hardwork. And everything I used to save my M, are the same things I need to work the keep my M and our relationship growing strong.

Do I think that My W and I will be together forever: I don't know, but I do know, that I won't tolerate certain things ever again and that's an awesome feeling. I do know, that I have the courage to fight for my M, with love while also detaching myself from my W actions and emotions. I do know that life is full of mountains and valleys and we can't predict when we are going to be in either one. Lastly, I also know that every person is entitled to their own choices and consequences. It's not up to a LBS spouse to take either the choice or the consequence away from the WS.

Stay strong LBS and keep moving forward.

Onward and Upward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907092
10/29/20 08:06 PM
10/29/20 08:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,567
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
Update,

Almost our three year recon anniversary. Halloween will be that day. Oddly!

My thoughts. Over the last month, I was having thoughts of being revengeful. I just had feelings of making her feel, the way I felt three years ago. I don't know why or where they were coming from, but I couldn't kick the feeling. I sat my wife down and we talked about it. It was a good talk and it helped. The feeling has started to subside some. I decided to put more effort into my W.

My W perspective: She listened and she gave her input, she says I can't leave her, and I already had my revenge, that's another story. I just looked at her, like really, get the hell out of here. She has really worked hard to make me feel comfortable with trusting her. (Oh, and I didn't say, I would never leave her, I won't ever say that again)

Our M: We are best friends. We talk about everything. We discuss every problem together. She's is truly the woman I wanted to marry.

My feelings/emotions: My feelings and our M are two different things and I know that I have to control my emotions. I have applied a lot that I have learned here and what I have learned from the many books I read and counselors I have seeked out.

I promise, that reconciliation doesn't get easier. It's hardwork. And everything I used to save my M, are the same things I need to work the keep my M and our relationship growing strong.

Do I think that My W and I will be together forever: I don't know, but I do know, that I won't tolerate certain things ever again and that's an awesome feeling. I do know, that I have the courage to fight for my M, with love while also detaching myself from my W actions and emotions. I do know that life is full of mountains and valleys and we can't predict when we are going to be in either one. Lastly, I also know that every person is entitled to their own choices and consequences. It's not up to a LBS spouse to take either the choice or the consequence away from the WS.

Stay strong LBS and keep moving forward.

Onward and Upward



Awesome! Great update Joe!


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2907094
10/29/20 08:20 PM
10/29/20 08:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
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Good to hear from you Joe! I'm not sure "piecing" ever ends, you and Steve and others have described how challenging it is to keep the love alive even well after the "danger" period is past. It's a lot of work. But so is marriage, a lot of us ended up here in the first place because we thought autopilot was fine when we should have been active participants!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: AnotherStander] #2907196
10/30/20 04:04 PM
10/30/20 04:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
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AS,

I need to make this my mantra! Autopilot needs to stay disengaged. Active participation mode needs to stay activated.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It's a lot of work. But so is marriage, a lot of us ended up here in the first place because we thought autopilot was fine when we should have been active participants!


I was looking for the update to your SIT. I was keeping up with it, then I lost it. I need to catch up on it.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: BL42] #2907368
11/01/20 11:20 PM
11/01/20 11:20 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 357
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Originally Posted by BL42
I'm happy for you, and thanks for sharing. I wasn't familiar w/your situation but just read your latest thread. It's wonderful you take the time to come back here and update folks who were following your story as well as give insight into your story for the newer folks. For the newer members it's good to hear some positive results in terms of reconcilition of the marriage because even if theirs end in divorce it gives hope at the early stages which helps get them out of a funk/depression and focused on moving forward with what they can do. And for others who have been here awhile it gives good perspective into how difficult the R can be, and how to work through it.


This ^^^^^^^^^. As a newbie, whilst I understand recon is very unlikely in my own sitch, the positive results shared by everyone (regardless of outcome), are a real motivator to do "what works"! Thanks joejoe


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
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