I was going to go line-by-line with your dialogue and where you had opportunities to validate--but reading the follow-ups, that's already been done and been done skillfully. A book I found helpful was, "The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships". The cool thing is the tips from here have also bled over into my discussions with my kids, subordinates, and coworkers. It's available in print, digital, and audiobook forms depending on your preferences. I do see strength in you--you are not failing each encounter the same way, but rather getting many things right and a couple of things wrong as you learn and try to incorporate what you're learning. Stay strong and keep it up!
I was going to go line-by-line with your dialogue and where you had opportunities to validate--but reading the follow-ups, that's already been done and been done skillfully.
I was as well,but the others did a great job.
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LET HER DECIDE-
When things are difficult, I love giving two choices. Both of which I am OK with. I did this frequently with my children as well as my X.
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As we were walking he began to talk about a movie they watched in school and how a patient had Alzheimer’s and then mentioned how the teachers grandmother had it.
VALIDATION- Do this with your children as well. Most parents do not know how important this is. How could you have responded different?
Originally Posted by ScottB
I came downstairs and was going to turn on the TV
What other choices could you have made?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks CW. I’m sure I’ll learn a lot. ———- I wish you all could watch how natural and normal our family functions. It’s crazy to me. The divorced people I know didn’t look or act like this, which is what makes this so mind bending. We carved pumpkins as a family and operated seemlessly all day long. It’s crazy.
Thanks CW. I’m sure I’ll learn a lot. ———- I wish you all could watch how natural and normal our family functions. It’s crazy to me. The divorced people I know didn’t look or act like this, which is what makes this so mind bending. We carved pumpkins as a family and operated seemlessly all day long. It’s crazy.
It's called having her cake and eating it too. How sure are you she isn't in an A?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I can’t be certain she’s not in an affair. I haven’t seen anything to tip me off.
Today was interesting as she was going after my son. He had a soccer game and the other team was really talking a lot. They kicked a ball in when our goalie had it and we thought the goalie broke his wrist. The other team started calling themselves goalie killers. I relayed that to my son as he is fast and very solid. He went in hard for a 50/50 ball and got a yellow card after that. On a run down the field where he had a step, a kid tried to take his ankles out and he stayed on his feet inside the box.
After the game one of the dads, who is big into soccer said on the trip he should have gone down to draw a PK. And said that the 50/50 ball was solid and aggressive. Other parents were telling him the same, and I agreed. When we got in the car she chastised him. We got out to eat and twenty minutes later she made another passive aggressive remark to him when he was playing with his sister asking why he didn’t just lower his shoulder on her. Then we got in the car and he said he should have flipped when they tried to trip him and she asked him if that’s how he wanted to plat the game. Finally he had enough and said “Yes, because that’s how you’re supposed to play it.” I was close to chiming in but just stayed back. I didn’t like her going after him because the reality is she doesn’t like his aggression because it reminds her of me. She also doesn’t like his confidence for the same reason and she has said as much. The tension in the car was definitely rising.
It was just interesting to watch play out. Especially as so many other parents were telling him he played a great game. ———- This is going to be a big week. She makes final decisions on the house, plan is to tell the kids Saturday, and then she’ll also tell them she’s not going to Florida. I have will not let her say the divorce is mutual, so it will all get interesting. And she’s not planning to actually move out for several weeks - probably first or second week of December.
We’re also hosting a neighborhood progressive dinner on 12/12 that I forgot about. Invitations were sent out and everything, so that will be very interesting.
It’s not mutual. That’s all. Simple. As a Christian it makes a difference as to who is leaving who. My kids are in a Christian school and know our values, that’s all. Through the scriptures (1 Corinthians 7:12-15) I’ve found peace. Saying this is mutual feels like giving the last piece of myself away. I don’t know that i can do that and I don’t think i should. ———- So because my son won his soccer tournament I bought prime steaks and desert. My wife and I had a bottle of wine with our steaks. We always eat as a family. Eventually the kids went to the next room and my wife began to talk about conversations she has been having with her mom. It was really interesting. Her whole love she saw her dad as loving, but through her moms eyes she has begun to see him as selfish. He provided for his wife and daughters. His wife never had to work. He bought her a house and a lake house. He would buy her a new car every two years. He was an avid hunter and unfortunately hunting season always fell on his wife’s birthday as well as Valentine’s Day. He got his wife fresh flowers weekly.
Well, as my wife talked to her mom her mom said she never wanted the house (that they have lived in for 45 years) and that he bought it without asking her. She didn’t want the new cars, because she hated changing cars after she had just gotten used to one. She said that it hurt her that he always went hunting on her birthday and the one year he stayed home to go to a concert with her, he left after the concert - that night - to go hunting. And she has always resentedbhis business dealings (which provided their lifestyle). They went on great vacations, spent lots of family time together, had a boat and a lake house - it seemed idyllic.
But her mom is resentful and angry and isn’t happy with her life or marriage. Again, now my wife’s dad has severe dementia and her mom is having to take care of him, but is abusing him. Her opening up and telling me all of this was wild. She also mentioned that her mom is using a counselor that seems to be making things worse, and then my wife said how her coach (the divorce coach) is so much better because she helps people find clarity.
My wife has always said her mom was selfish and that her mom makes everything about herself. It’s really wild that now she’s having this perspective on her dad too.
Her mom sent her sister a text that said “I’m sorry I’m a horrible wife, i will try not to be so emotional and share my feelings with you.” —that was perceived as a fig by the sister because it was in defense of her moms horrible treatment of her dad.
Anyhow, long story short. That was a LOT to share at this point in our relationship, especially when her mom is the one buying her the house! Her sister doesn’t know about that yet either - which is wild to me.
