This is typical WW behavior based on guilt, habit and other feelings. She doesn’t hate you she just doesn’t feel she she can be happy married to you.
Steve’s right that everything in life is an negotiation. When someone changes the terms of a relationship and you don’t agree with it then you walk and never look back. When someone doesn’t see and appreciate your value then they get the gift of missing you.
I know you tend to get tripped up and when you do look at actions.
A hug and a offer to drive kids vs filing for divorce and buying a new house.
Was this a 180? Probably. Normally we watch TV together and normally we go to bed at the same time. And generally if I say I'm going to do something (we had committed to watching this video together last night for the kids) I do it. So I guess so.
I didn't notice that she seemed surprised or anything. I had to get up unexpectedly early, so I think it made sense that I went to bed. I think independence and confidence are attractive. ---- Today I went home at lunch to work out and just ran by her to change, didn't say anything. On the way out of the house she stopped me to talk about the kids. It was a touch weird as I felt like she wanted to talk and I wanted to leave.
I don't know. If I was looking for "signs" I would put something to it, but I feel like I'm past that. Had a great workout. Listened to some Busta Rhymes on Pandora at the gym - a completely underrated arrest, by the way - and had a solid workout.
That's one of the things I continue to do really well. I'm eating pretty good and still working out, though the emotions make it hard to workout as hard as I was - I get tired faster. Still, glad I'm doing those things. When I got home from the gym I noticed that I was kind of bummed she wasn't there - it was a weird feeling and I wish I didn't have it. ---- Tonight I found an excuse to get out of the house with my son. Monday I'm going out with a friend of mine and for the first time ever I didn't tell her with who or where I'm going. ---- I dread going home at night, which is why I'm on here more - staying at work later.
Not doing what you say is unattractive and a bad 180. Going to sleep when there is still things to do is bad too.
Don't be friends with exes. Are you friends with all your ex gf's too? Don't be a jerk but you shouldn't be her buddy.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Scott, I think you're doing fine in your interactions with her. The main thing is NO R TALKS EVER, just keep the pressure off. Any convos should be very light. Hug her, don't hug her, watch the video with her, watch it separately, it really makes no difference. Right now she is done and nothing you do will change that. The "niceness" is just her trying to keep things copacetic until she can get out. Don't read anything into it. Any recon possibilities are pretty far down the road. My XW was very nice at times, inviting me to do things and such even after the S. So nice that sometimes I thought maybe she had changed her mind and would temp check her only to get put right back in my place! Don't make my mistake and temp check her because it makes you look desperate.
LH gets a gold star from me today. I'm 60 pages into Love Must Be Tough. It feels like this message board actually. I am a Christian so that particular point on 1 Corinthians 7:12-15 rang home.
Dobson basically says there that if she's leaving, let her. God won't hold me accountable for that. I wish I had found this book sooner and I wish I had more time to read it.
I’ve got two more big decisions out there to bring up. First, I have a work dinner at a very nice restaurant next week and she is invited. It feels like i should ask her not to go, but that would be a big reversal. I’m not sure how I go there.
The other is we have a family trip to visit my parents for thanksgiving. I had tried to convince her to go for the kids but I’m starting to think I should tell her she can’t go. Both of these are heart wrenching for me. I believe this board would agree with each of those actions. I’m just not sure how I bring each thing up.
She did finally reach out to a contact today to get a job which is good from my perspective. She continues to play house and ask how my day was, etc.
Tonight I went to run an errand (I never do that) and she was kind of pissed. She was going somewhere with my daughter and implied I needed to stay home with my 12 year old son (who is often home for 5 hours at a time). I just kind of played it off and went anyways.
Anyhow, thoughts from the peanut gallery on the first two items?
"Peanut gallery" This phrase intends to reference hecklers or critics, usually ill-informed ones. In reality, the "peanut gallery" names a section in theaters, usually the cheapest and worst, where many Black people sat during the era of Vaudeville. If it's not directly racist, it's classist and rude at the very least.
If your parents know and she still wants to go that would be ballsy on her part. Either way no big deal either way.
Last night after dinner I said I was going to run to Bed Bath and Beyond. She was put off by that. She said she was going to take my daughter to find pajamas and was annoyed that i was going to leave our 12 year old son by himself. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and went anyways. I had another errand to run too to return an amazon package, that was right next to BBB also.
I got home around 8:15 (was gone an hour) and she came home a little after. Around 9:15p my son and I went for a 30 minute walk. As we were walking he began to talk about a movie they watched in school and how a patient had Alzheimer’s and then mentioned how the teachers grandmother had it. Now my wife’s dad has dementia and I think my son kind of new, but no one has really talked to him about it, so I did on our walk. He was sad as we talked about it. We got home, he went to bed.
I came downstairs and was going to turn on the TV but she said we had some things to discuss. First she mentioned that she had gotten my son a referral to a counselor because she believes he is depressed (this is good because he’s going to be going through hard times), then she wanted to discuss whether or not we would let the kids go trick or treating with Covid going on (I was against it), then she mentioned that I was acting strange and the kids could tell. The fact I had a cleaning lady come check out the house and that I had left to run my errand were alerting them that something was up. She mentioned that she had done her part and had worn her wedding rings all week and that I needed to do mine. Then she asked me what I was really doing. She said she saw me come out of a store that I hadn’t said I was going into. She said she saw me when her and my daughter went to get pajamas. I simply told her where I had gone as I’m not hiding anything. And she wasn’t following me but It was an interesting coincidence the way the timing set up that she had taken my daughter to the store next to where I was.
I then mentioned the conversation I had with my son, to give her a heads up. She was very angry but stayed reserved. She said I had no place to tell him. She said this is why our marriage didn’t work. She said that I had no feelings or emotions around what I had done and she said I was being defensive. This was a tough moment for me as I struggle when I’m being chastised and I want to make it right and do the right thing. I apologized and said the conversation had just come up because of his school day. She said how complicated it was because her mom and her sister were still in denial and that if my son said something it would create a mess.
Then the date of telling the kids came back up, as to when we would do it. She wants next Saturday. I asked if her new house was on track to be bought and she said yes. That has been important to her in regards to the date we tell the kids. I told her I would go to my work dinner alone and the family trip for thanksgiving would just be me and the kids.
Finally I was able to end this dreadful conversation. I felt like I got suckered in because it was about the kids and then when I got accused of being sneaky and lectured on how I should t have told my son about the dementia (and she might be right about that - he’s twelve and I felt it was time for him to understand as he was learning about it in school - that could completely be my bad).
As we were getting ready for bed she said “At what point do you cancel your trip for thanksgiving (we’re flying)? You know, like you wanted to cancel trick or treat?” I told her that her first question was fair but that the second was a passive aggressive attack and I wouldn’t stand for it. She looked at me in mild disbelief when I said that. She said no it wasn’t, and then reiterated her first question. I said we would take it a day at a time. She asked again, what would make you cancel it and I said “if that state goes in the quarantine list.” Then she dropped it.
As we got into bed I apologized for possibly being out of line with the comments about her dad again and she said “you could have apologized downstairs (which is wild because I had - I just left it).
———-
So I thought going out to do my thing was good. Taking my son for a walk was good, to get out of the house again. Discussing the dementia with him was probably a misstep. And then falling into the trap of that conversation was a big misstep. Standing up to her passive aggressive attack was good. And then as she was talking in bed about her frustration I specifically heard the words listen and validate - so in that moment I did good.
Not sure any of it matters. I need to work on being gentle and loving but tough. My tough comes off as neither of those. I am trying to open the bid cage. Next weekend is going to be a [censored] show.
Remember the analogy I gave you about wearing blue? All she sees now is blue. You don’t tell her where you are going that’s why she’s divorcing you. You have a conversation with your son she’s doesn’t like that’s why she’s divorcing you. You won’t cancel the trip that’s why she’s divorcing you. You could have a hot pink unitard on and she wouldn’t notice. The clock starts when she moves out and I would say minimum 2 years for her to see you as any other color. There is absolutely nothing you can do now to change the outcome. That ship sailed a long time ago.
At some point in middle age a woman wakes up and asks herself is this all their is to life? She has typically spent the last 10-20 prioritizing her children and husband. She feels now is her time and something needs to change because she is not happy. At this point typically the marriage and career are up for review and she’s not sure if she loves her husband anymore. What she doesn’t realize is that human beings are most unhappy in life between 40-55 (Happiness U-Curve) and as her hormones change and she stops producing as much estrogen she starts to loose those nurturing and loving feelings. So if she’s divorcing your because she’s unhappy typically 2-5 years later she finds herself in the same position except with someone with no history and typically with extra baggage. That’s why the divorce rate on second and third marriages are so high.
Make yourself scarce while still living together and decide if you want to stand and are in it for the long haul. My suggestion to you would be to build an amazing life and move on and if she ever changes her mind you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Typically by then too much damage has been done.
