I do have to say everything I have done so far has been a 180 for me. In prior breakdowns I truly broke down. I got drunk, messy, cried, begged, pleaded, told everyone, called her friends for help to talk to her, I did all the wrong things.
This time I am still messing up, I am being too nice. But I have to give myself a little credit for being stronger than ever. I have not begged, pleaded, or threatened did any of that crap. I just say "I understand, I agree things weren't going well and we needed to change" After all the lying and deception I have still done none of that. And she has been very cold. While I may have messed up my chances for recon its okay because I know I did things a lot better than ever before and I can say I did everything I could.
My only thing left to decide is the kids. I know ill be moving out as soon as I can, I know I cannot let her watch them at my place, it will be too hard for me and ill be too tempted to backslide. I need to get away and stay away. And honestly that's the best thing to do for both of us. I feel like letting them stay at my place at nights is the best choice as long as shes just dropping them off. If I don't do that she will have to take them to her place with OM and that final barrier to them being a complete couple is broken. I feel like its not my job to protect her from her choices but I do want to protect my kids. So I don't think I need to be like "on your days figure out where the kids are staying, this was your choice" or anything like that. She will just use it to fuel resentment/anger anyways. I think the best approach is to let them stay with me and just ask her to pick them up and take them out on her days and she can drop them off at night so they don't have to go live with OM and Im not pushing her to cross that line, but Im also not letting her hang around me either. I'm thinking that may be the best way forward.
At this point the less I am around her/speaking to her the better, I can see that. I get all these feelings that things are okay when she manipulates me, I get this hope and then I get crushed every time she leaves the house. I cant do that to myself anymore, its unhealthy and I need to let her go and stop this stupid game.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/29/2003:52 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
, I know I cannot let her watch them at my place, it will be too hard for me and ill be too tempted to backslide.
Hi Steve, I'm glad you're leaning away from letting her watch the kids at your place. Frankly, any custody model that has you interacting with her daily is a terrible idea if your goal is to detach. I would consider setting additional boundaries to ensure you don't interact daily. So many LBS use these exchanges as an opportunity to show-off, and you'll be ahead of the curve if you avoid that and focus on detaching, GAL, and your kids. Please remember boundaries control you, not her, and so most don't require communication. Translation: This is NOT an excuse for another long talky or acting "tough".
Once you secure a place, "I got a place. If you'd prefer, I can continue to keep the kids 8pm to 8am." If she agrees, at the first hand-off, "Just let the kids out at the drive-way. Thanks!" My ex-wife has never stepped foot in, or seen the inside of my house, in the 10yrs since I divorced her.
Originally Posted by Steve_
If I don't do that she will have to take them to her place with OM and that final barrier to them being a complete couple is broken. I feel like its not my job to protect her from her choices but I do want to protect my kids.
Steve, they are a couple. Be happy in this scenario--if she agrees to it--you get to spend every night with your kids for a period of time. Don't imagine she's signing some contract not to introduce them to OM.
Yeah I got word today the apartment I applied for was approved. It will be ready in the next 10-15 days. I think it will be seeing her everyday until she gets comfortable enough with him to start letting them stay there. My kids are 5 and 7 so she cant just sort of drop them off on the curb in an apartment complex it will end up with her knocking the door. My other option I might be able to do is ask her to leave them at her moms and I can get them from there, that way I have no need to see her at all. Maybe ill do that for awhile at least until I get detatched. Im trying but I cant stop having pain, anxiety, a sense of crushing hopelessness and despair 24/7. Seeing her doesn't help that. Im not going to say anything to her now but I think when I need to next week or so It'll just be
"I am moving out xxxx day, I have decided it is best if you don't watch the kids at my place, but of course they can stay the night with me, if I have any overnight plans ill let you know so you can arrange them to stay at your moms or somewhere else. "
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Yeah I got word today the apartment I applied for was approved. It will be ready in the next 10-15 days. I think it will be seeing her everyday until she gets comfortable enough with him to start letting them stay there. My kids are 5 and 7 so she cant just sort of drop them off on the curb in an apartment complex it will end up with her knocking the door. My other option I might be able to do is ask her to leave them at her moms and I can get them from there, that way I have no need to see her at all. Maybe ill do that for awhile at least until I get detatched. Im trying but I cant stop having pain, anxiety, a sense of crushing hopelessness and despair 24/7. Seeing her doesn't help that. Im not going to say anything to her now but I think when I need to next week or so It'll just be
"I am moving out xxxx day, I have decided it is best if you don't watch the kids at my place, but of course they can stay the night with me, if I have any overnight plans ill let you know so you can arrange them to stay at your moms or somewhere else. "
Too wordy, again.
I have decided that you shouldn't watch the kids at my place. We can work out childcare details soon."
You are still trying solve her problem for her. "they can stay at your moms". Not your responsibility. What she does with the kids when it is her night to watch them is up to her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When she texted me crying last nite she said "too much pressure" she was on her phone with her sister and said that the OM doesn't like her being gone all nite with the kids for 4 days. He complains that he is lonely and needs her. She feels pressured by him. Last night I watched the kids on her night and she said she had to do laundry at her place etc.. I know she saw him and they had a fight about the kids situation. And her being gone. She doesn't want to ask me to watch them every night to be with him cause she knows I wont want that. She also doesn't want to leave her kids alone every night to be with him. part of me thinks if I agree to watch the kids at my place every night she will just be able to spend more stress free time with OM and Ill be enabling it. She will have to continue to stay at her mom's those nights or move them in with OM if I don't watch them at night. I don't want to be a baby sitter so she can be there for OM and I also don't want my kids being in this R with OM before she is ready, I don't know what to do.
There is a reason she hasn't introduced the kids to him as her new man, and hasn't changed her facebook or anything else to the general public. Im trying to figure out how to approach this without enabling the bad behavior or pushing her to commit to him, she wants to be able to walk away at any time she has told me and she doesn't want to be committed to him until she is ready to do that. I don't know how much of that is BS or whatever but they were hiding the whole thing until 2 days ago, if she felt good about it there wouldn't be the need to hide it.
part of me thinks I should just tell her that ill watch the kids on my days/nights and that is it. She made the choice to do it to them and its kind of unfair I am expected to enable it. Then again im torn because I don't want them seeing this go down it will hurt them.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/29/2009:03 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Not to mention I am the one paying 1,000 a month child support for them if im gonna be watching them every night that's messed up. She will take her sweet time to get to them in the AM and try to leave them early in the PM I feel.
She would have to decide if she is gonna leave them at her moms with her and watch them there or move them in with OM ahead of plan. The children will tell everyone and I think that is what she is most afraid of. I know its not my job to protect her from reality but I really don't want to be a bad father. I think not watching them on her days doesn't make me a bad father but I will certainly be accused of it. As part of the anger of not going along with their plans I know that already.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/29/2009:20 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Not to mention I am the one paying 1,000 a month child support for them if im gonna be watching them every night that's messed up.
First, that's not how child support works--if you have not already, please contact an attorney. Child support is usually based on the % of time the kids spend with each parents. Even though I make 50% more than my ex, court calculations usually showed her owing me support, which I then waived.
Originally Posted by Steve_
She will take her sweet time to get to them in the AM and try to leave them early in the PM I feel.
Second, this is why I suggested specifying what constitutes an overnight--e.g., 8pm-8am. My custody plan has immediate consequences for not abiding by the terms, but even if yours does not spell out consequences, patterns of failure to meet responsibilities may be presented to a judge for adjustment.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I think not watching them on her days doesn't make me a bad father but I will certainly be accused of it.
Third, focus on Steve-centric and kid-centric motives in making decisions. Is it better for Steve to have his kids every night? Is it better for your kids to stay with you instead of her? It's her custody time, so this is only if she decides she wants you to have the kids during her overnights.
Originally Posted by Steve_
She would have to decide if she is gonna leave them at her moms
If she offers and you decline, she may do that, she may do something else. That's up to her.
She will take her sweet time to get to them in the AM
What would your local daycare do about this? Strike #1 - Hi, just a reminder, our agreement is you pick them up at 8am. Strike #2 - Hi, just a reminder, our agreement is you pick them up at 8am, or consequences. Strike #3 - <Consequences>
Originally Posted by Steve_
and try to leave them early in the PM I feel.
What would your local daycare do about this? She knocks on door and it's not 7:45pm+. You don't answer. She knocks on door and it's 7:45pm+. You answer. Note I gave a 15-min grace period. This is not about being cold, or mean, it's about setting reasonable boundaries like anyone else would.
Well things took a weird turn. The apartment is ready sooner than I expected. In 8 days.
I just messaged her, "I got the apartment, its in 8 days"
She says "I feel weird about that" So I asked what she means and she pretty much went on to say that once I move out things will be real for the kids, different. I told her yeah, things have been pretty real for me so what do you want me to do? I cant find another place to go that works like this one. She asked for more time like December 1st to let the kids ease into this separation, I told her I cannot do that. I asked if its because she doesn't want them to live with OM and she said "yes" then she said "I shouldn't be telling you this but, I am trying to get him to leave me" I laughed and told her, "You did that to me a few times, it doesn't work, nice guys wont leave, your just gonna hurt everyone including yourself the longer you stay if you don't want to be there, you already know that" She said "he is doing everything awesome but I don't think I want to be with him its a mess" I told her well, listen I cant tell you what to do, I told you how I felt, if your gonna chose to have him in your life I have to take care of myself, I am not going to push you to do anything, its your choice and this is all part of that. I said I know he is gonna get upset when you have to watch the kids at your moms now, is that why your doing it? she said "that's his F'in problem" I said "I know" then she said "I just cant leave right now" and I said okay well that's fine, Im going to get the place and move out. She said "see you tonight?" I said yep and that was that.
Unpacking this there is a lot of pitfalls especially for me as an LBS to fall into. This seems like something but it actualy means nothing, only her actions do now, this is more of her wishy-washy crap. She is just trying to see if she can manipulate me into making her life easier for her to continue her A. Nope not gonna do that, im watching the kids on my days at my place and that's it. The rest is on her, she is scared of reality and that's exactly what she needs, im done saving her from it. Im sick of not standing up for myself. If she wont chose me im leaving im not hanging around like she asked to make life easier for her.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
You are a father, not a babysitter. You take your kids when you want, because you want to be with her kids. It’s her loss to choose OM over her kids. You cannot control what she decides to do in her spare time by not giving her spare time. You are trying so hard to control what she does with OM. You can’t. She may chose her OM over her own kids. That’s her choice, not you enabling it. If you don’t want your kids every night, then you tell her you can’t them when it’s not her time and she could figure it out. But if you want your kids that extra time, don’t let the deciding factor be who who she is spending time with when she’s not having kids.
Stop trying to control her. Hasn’t worked very well the last 5 Times she left you for OM, did it?
