Steve_ holding on part 2.

[SteveLW]

I don't know how to proceed forward with this. She gets really upset and justifes when I cut her off. But Im afraid if im too nice she will just do it anyways.

She did agree to me to not bring the kids around him until she is 100% sure this is what she wants. Part of me really wants to tell everyone what they are doing and nuke this thing. But I know that would make me the bad one she cant trust and ultimately it will come out anyways. People are starting to figure things out. I think what I should do is just stop talking to her. Stop saying anything. And when I have no choice be pleasant. Maybe this thing will self-destruct and I wont have to do much at all.

Steve_, get into IC. You are not rationally thinking. You got your W to admit to lying and cheating, and then in the next breath you say "She did agree to me to not brign the kids around him". AS if you could trust her as far as you could throw her?!? Come on man. You are still so deep into denial. You come here get advice and then turnaround and let your impulses guide you. What are you trying to do here? Do you want to DB? or do you want to do what Steve_ wants?

Even in your DBing you are still trying control!!

" think what I should do is just stop talking to her. Stop saying anything. And when I have no choice be pleasant. Maybe this thing will self-destruct and I wont have to do much at all. "

NO, you do not stop talking to her and stop saying anything and be pleasant because her PA might self-destruct! Screw her and the PA! You do those things BECAUSE THEY ARE THE RIGHT THING FOR STEVE_!!!!!

Stop focusing on her. Start focusing on you. When you DB to effect change in her you are DBing wrong. WHen you DB to effect change in yourself THEN you are doing it right.

[mtb1981]

One more time for the people in the back... (I'm looking at you, Steve_)...

Steve, you are a rollercoaster, buddy...

1) Stop talking. You feel the need to explain everything to her. I get it. I was there. Stop talking. it will do you no good and only cause problems. Stop talking.

2) Focus on only yourself and your kids. Don't make excuses to bring her into your area of focus. You and your kids are the only important thing now. Don't worry about what she says or does. If it doesn't involve you and your kids, it is not important.

3) It's time for you to have an affair. An affair with yourself. Love yourself. Do things for yourself. Find a new place for yourself. And keep all the info to yourself. She's not broadcasting the details of her affair. You don't need to broadcast the details of your affair with yourself

4) STOP TALKING...

[Steve_]

Yeah things didn’t go the way I planned. She’s already made plans on Christmas to meet his family. She told me last night that she wants to get this divorce no matter what happens, even if it doesn’t work out with him and she is pretty sure it won’t that she still doesn’t want to be married. She told me she doesn’t want me to have hope anymore, she pretty much said we are done this is it. And she doesn’t want to talk about OR anymore because we still have feelings for each other and it’s hard. She asked what I would do if I saw him and I said probably nothing. He isn’t worth me getting mad and I’m not that way. But I don’t want to be anywhere around him. It’s him or me so if it’s him then there is no me. I won’t come over for family events and do that stuff if he is gonna be around. I cannot. She just said, okay. She was able to explained why she left me for him and why she got with him as her way out of the M and she’s admitted that things with him ain’t perfect and they already argue. She isn’t sure she wants to be with him totally but it seems pretty damn sure she don’t want to be with me either. So yeah. She is just looking for a way out of the M without being alone, and he is doing the same thing, she admits she’s not even attracted to him and she is a lot more attracted to me but she is happy with him right now.

I think it’s time for me to realize I cannot fix this. There is nothing I can say or do. This will have to run its course and it’s all on her now. She fully expects me to run through a range of emotions, act crazy, do all kinds of stuff. I’m not going to backslide I haven’t acted that way. The worse thing I did was cry a bit, but I validated everything she said and when the time was right I disagreed but still understood. Everything is on the table now. There is nothing else to talk about anymore. Unless she wants to put this back together I’m just going to do my best to pretend she doesn’t exist. It seems that the only real chance I have of her ever coming back is to let her go completely, stop talking to her and just try to get myself through this gracefully. I’ll admit I’ve made plenty of mistakes but I haven’t done anything that can’t be undone in time. She was pretty understanding about me being upset. She is feeling guilty and sorry for me and sees me hurt. (Which i know is bad) I’m just gonna do my very best to act as if and stay away from her and not talk to her. This is the only way to stand for my M now. Totally alone and quietly. I’m going to go to the park with my friend and walk today. Just kind of be away from her. My plan is to follow sandi’s rules and move out when I can. Just say as little as possible. I think it was always too hard for me before because I had hope that I could do something to change it. That hope is gone. It’s going to be a long time if anything changes and I can’t do anything about that. I get it now.

[Traveler]

Hi Steve,

Glad you plan to begin DB’ing! I’m so sorry for the most recent turn as this sounds like hell to live through. All these feelings she shared are how she feels today. Once the negative interactions (long talk sessions) stop, she’ll begin to realize what she’s losing.

Two worries I had reading your dialogue—

Everything is on the table now.

No, she is a lying cheater. The things she “admitted” to, like past admissions, may be lies or misleading you to reduce her guilt about making you feel bad or increase her chances of keeping you as Plan B. In PA situations we often see over and over the LBS believing they *now* have their truth. You may never know the full truth.

. I won’t come over for family events and do that stuff if he is gonna be around.

She’s lied and cheated on you—her betrayal seems deeper—why would you go to family events where she’s present but not where OM is present? Second, if OM goes to your kids’ school performance or is out when you pick up the kids, are you going to skip them? You realize the person who said she won’t introduce your kids to OM is a lier, right?

[Steve_]

I have to admit, I’m glad it is out and I know. But her telling me definitely changed the dynamic. She is a lot more cold and distant now. After admitting she left me for him. I think she knows the games are over and there is no reason to plan B me now since it’s out that she chose someone else. I plan on just trying to worry about myself. I know R talks are a bad idea and there is no reason for us to have them anymore. So that’s good too. It still rips my heart out to find this out but I have to give myself a little credit it was only yesterday. Since then I’ve kept it business only and quiet. I applied for another apartment that would help me get out of here in the next couple weeks instead of months later. I’m hoping it works out. I am scared to be alone a bit but I know that’s the road ahead of me. I just don’t know how anyone can do this to someone they love. She has no idea the pain I am in because I won’t tell her. It will just drive her farther away. DBing is taking it like a champ. I’m doing my best. Man it’s hard.

[SteveLW]

I have to admit, I’m glad it is out and I know. But her telling me definitely changed the dynamic. She is a lot more cold and distant now. After admitting she left me for him. I think she knows the games are over and there is no reason to plan B me now since it’s out that she chose someone else. I plan on just trying to worry about myself. I know R talks are a bad idea and there is no reason for us to have them anymore. So that’s good too. It still rips my heart out to find this out but I have to give myself a little credit it was only yesterday. Since then I’ve kept it business only and quiet. I applied for another apartment that would help me get out of here in the next couple weeks instead of months later. I’m hoping it works out. I am scared to be alone a bit but I know that’s the road ahead of me. I just don’t know how anyone can do this to someone they love. She has no idea the pain I am in because I won’t tell her. It will just drive her farther away. DBing is taking it like a champ. I’m doing my best. Man it’s hard.

Steve_ this is common LBS thinking, and having the priority in the wrong things. You found out yesterday. It changed nothing. She left you for him whether you found out yesterday, the day after happened, or never. You are running on emotion, not intellect and logic. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. This is why we warn newcomers that the odds that your WAS is involved with someone else is 99.999999999%. Because when they inevitably find out about they get tripped up by it.

But nothing has changed. Today is no different from a DBing standpoint than 2 days ago was. Go back and read mbr's last post (he posted it twice). Go back and read my last post to you. Until you decide to DB....for you not her, then you will continue to struggle and be her whipping boy. Stop all that, go out and GAL. You sitting and stewing deciding what o say next to her is killing you. Get into IC and 180 on all of your own bad behaviors. Work on detachment as if your life depends on it. And stop obsessing about her, what she's doing, what she's going to do, etc.

[Steve_]

Yeah her and I are on good terms right now. She is able to talk to me about anything but I definately need to detach. She told me today she has zero hate for me and she is sorry for what she did. I just explained the apartment situation and so on. I told her I also wanted to be on good terms and I realize there is nothing I can say or do that will change her mind. She told everyone in the family about her secret affair with him. Everyone is shocked. They all think that it is so wrong. But they are just gonna support her either way. She plays the unhappy wife that wanted a D either way and just accidentally did this too. That’s her story. Whatever man. It doesn’t change things. She did say that she does think that with the things I changed she could be happy with me. But she’s not there yet. She also admits that she told OM she don’t want to get married, don’t want to have kids with him, and she is working because he offered to pay for everything but she doesn’t want to be dependent on him in case she needs to leave. I think that will be the case for awhile but she will eventually start taking his money, getting comfortable. She plans on Introducing my kids to his family and him on Christmas. She is gonna be spending it with him with our kids. But the kids don’t know they are together. This is probably the worst part. I agreed with her to help keep the kids away from this until she is totally sure she wants this, and it seems Christmas Day is set. It’s pretty clear she has made plans in the long term with him and now she isn’t gonna turn back. I just wanted to keep my kids away from this as long as I could. I told her we can be friendly from now on but I don’t want to be In the friend zone, hanging around like a buddy, and I sure as hell don’t want to see OM. She understood. Yes the fact she wants to be nice about the separation doesn’t help that it’s shredding me apart but it is what it is. I just want to get this apartment and get the hell away from this place. I don’t know how to approach this but I’ll just keep looking at Sandis rules and try to back away more every day until it’s just Her picking up kids. And that’s all we are. That’s the way it needs to be.

[Steve_]

I think I’ll keep the kids at my place. She can come and watch them on her days but I not going to let her stay the night. And I’m gonna try to find things to do so I’m not around. That would keep the kids away from OM and this mess as long as I can. I don’t think that making her take the kids there will be a good thing because I don’t want her having to tell them before she is ready and cementing that relationship into the kids. Obviously if she isn’t ready to tell them then she isn’t ready to commit to him 100% me making her do that won’t be a good thing, she hasn’t like changed Facebook or announced to the general public either she’s pretty much only told the people she has to tell that are close and we’re gonna figure this out. I’m not gonna shove her out the door but I’m also not gonna be there for her needs anymore.

[Steve_]

I did some thinking today, i realized that this dynamic was doomed for awhile.

After she had multiple affairs she always came back out of guilt. She wasn’t here with me because she wanted to be she just did it because it was right. Of course I made mistakes as well which just piled up resentment and so on. I am starting to believe she is not the one for me. The way she is I don’t think she is the one for anyone. She has not learned any lessons she jumps out and into things as needed for her “happiness” she can’t be alone she can’t face the music. Until that changes there is no way she will be happy with me, him or anyone else. Not truly. She will just stay for this or that reason but not because she really wants to be there 100%. I can already tell she’s not in love with OM he was a way to get out of the M without doing it alone. She is using him. She has learned nothing. It’s actually sad. I don’t think she has truly loved me in a very long time. And I deserve someone that will. This pain has taught me a lot about myself. I guess that is the silver lining here. I will make some good woman very very happy one day. But I don’t think she even deserves me she is too selfish. Until she sees that being content with who you are, and relationships are about giving not receiving she will always fail no matter who she is with, she will never be happy. And there isn’t a dang thing that I can do about it, no amount of love I could offer can teach her who she needs to be. It’s sort of liberating to realize that.

[Steve_]

** finally** Today I actually DB’d I went out with my buddy, kept it all business, let her come and go around the house as she pleased and acted as if. She literally stared at me as I did my AM routine. It was weird, she never looked at me that way. As the day with her here progressed I just acted okay, not like i was destroyed by OM drop yesterday and just focused on getting an apartment. I hope I get it it will be like 2 weeks here instead of 3 months. She went out even though it’s her day to watch them to go to the gym, and etc over at her place. I decided instead of having some “this is your day responsibility talk” which for sure would be negative I was just like “do what you gotta do I’m here with the kids so yeah. She said okay I’ll be back” yeah I doubt she will come home anytime soon I’ll bet she will go back to her place, never even hit the gym and spend time with OM cause he is needy that she is gone and he is alone she told me that today. She offered to send me a pic of her at the gym I just said “it doesn’t matter what you do now” she rolled her eyes. She for sure doesn’t believe my detachment but it’s day one I actually detached after OM drop and I been making it clear I want to recon so that’s to be expected. In time she will see I am over trying to save this and what she does I don’t care about.

I’m trying to decide if keeping my kids with me in the apt is the right thing to do and letting her watch them there. I’m conflicted about it. I don’t want them being pushed into her life with OM. She isn’t ready to do that and I feel like if I make it where she has to do that I’ll be blamed for making her commit to him. Get the kids involved etc.. and I don’t really want my kids involved unless she is sure she wants this OM. I don’t need them seeing this mess. So I agreed to keep them with me until she is ready to move them there. I told her she can watch them at my place but cannot stay the night. Part of me feels like it enables her to have a consequence free R with OM but I also feel like I shouldn’t use my kids as consequences either. Keeping them from this mess seems like the right thing to do as a dad. So that’s why i allowed it. But I’m detaching I can feel it inside myself, it’s mostly the disappointment that’s doing it and realizing that I cannot believe one word she says. So there is no point talking to her. She’s a liar and a cheater and an unhealthy person. I have do nothing to let consequences hit her except remove myself. Let her have her mess. But I do think keeping the kids out of it is the right thing to do for them not her.