Well done speaking with H during those “thaws”. MLCers do peek out of the tunnel every once in a while. They do keep tabs on us.
Keep doing what you’re doing. Continue to live and be a safe place for him to land. His poking his head out, thanking you for diner, asking about lunch, etc... is interesting. What it means is still too early to tell.
A week or so ago the ice was broken. Keep leading the way. Show kindness, compassion, and common courtesy. He is watch, and seeing if you will rip his head off for all the terrible stuff he’s done. You haven’t and that has maybe set him back somewhat and he is taking notice.
I suspect he will dip back into the tunnel. They do like to process things, all hidden away from the LBS.
A question: Yes, it is not your job to inform H every night that super is ready. However, why are you purposefully planning not to?
Just go about your evening, and if H’s door is open tell him there is food on the table. Or text him. Or not. Kind of see what is going on that day and go from there. But to forward think not to?
One of my most painful realization in my situation is - without communication nothing is going to get better between XW and I.
Of course, at the beginning the MLCer doesn’t want to talk to us. Time and space are extremely important. And they still are, you just got to follow H’s lead on that.
However, with ice broken, and a few somewhat cordial comments, why stop? Let H lead the pace of things. You are more than willing, I think, to speak with him. Extend the olive branch without expectation. At times he will reach back, and other times he won’t. Just do it with no pressure. Saying goodbye or that a meal is ready is a pretty good opening for him to talk when he feels ready.
You are demonstrating a good role model to him. Eventually he has to emulate it back. Hopefully.
And I think it is too early to be crawling into bed with him. Boy oh boy, I remember there are some wild feelings with indifference waxing and waning. Weather the storm. Calm seas are ahead.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Side note, wherever you live sounds beautiful. Where I am, we barely see stars even at night. Lucky you.
You asked why I was not planning on telling him each time, (when there is an opening) well, I don’t want to appear to eager. It seems that in the past, I would have these little exchanges he would seem to think I was getting a little too close for comfort and shut it all down. Of course, that is my interpretation, but it makes sense.
Right now, he came home and went to the fridge. I mentioned there were leftovers and he declined and ate his sandwich he purchased the other day. The dogs were hanging around hoping something would get dropped and he asked me a question and I took that opening to tell him a story about the larger one, once I put her in a sweater, her reaction was to put her head down and look away from me. He smiled.
Once done, he went to his room. I do see this time, today, that he is making himself visible. I have been through this long enough to not expect anything and I definitely don’t expect this to be long.
But I will take it and extend that olive branch when I can.
In all of my introspection while sad this last week or so, I know I am able to forgive and move forward. I now know that. Will he know this and want it? Let’s hope. But either way, I like this version of me instead of angry me.
I work from home on Tuesday. I was eating my lunch when in he walked with bags of fresh loaves of bread, six to be exact. Along with a container of freshly baked cookies. This is all from the bakery we like. He said, “here I got some bread” I made sure to thank him.
One of the loaves is a garlic cheese, I said maybe we would have pasta tonight. So I will make pasta, use the garlic bread for toast. I will also make sure he knows when it is ready.
This is such a change from him in recent weeks. I am glad I have my IC appt today, I need to talk this over.
It’s funny isn’t it. The good things get us wondering too.
Make pasta. Enjoy the smells and tastes of fresh garlic bread smothered in butter, accenting a nice pasta dish.
Definitely let him know when it’s super time. Might even suggest he eats at the table with you. Something along the lines of, as he is picking up his plate - “oh, I was hoping you’d join me. The bread smells so good.” Methinks he is looking for a warm welcome. Although he may not realize it yet. (Remember no pressure - he’s a timid squirrel)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well, I made a nice sauce and boiled some pasta. D25 came home and said she could smell how good it was outside.
When it was time to eat, I texted him “There’s pasta if you want”. I went on about my business, toasting the yummy bread he brought home. D and I ate. I looked at my phone and he had not seen the message. A little while later, he texted, “ok thanks”. No sign of him, but I still am encouraged, because usually he would say “no thanks”.
Quickly had to look up the word "thaw" as I didn't know the meaning. it is indeed just the right word to use. LOL
You are handeling the situation in the best way you can do.
My husband was constantly at home during the first COVID wave. He practically did not go outside and had enormous ups and downs. It is by no means easy to deal with and it weighs on your family. That is why you regularly have these sad feelings.
It makes it a bit easier for me at the moment because he is away on average for 4 weeks and then @ home for 1 week. This means that we have a sort of peace for ome time in a row. This of course makes it easier to be completely disconnected from him emotionally. I also feel that I am much stronger and finally feel like I don't need him anymore.
I'm there for him when he needs me. He sends messages daily, I never initiate myself. When he sends I always answer. He's much more involved with the family now than anything I've seen in recent years, even if from a distance. He also feels that I am not putting any pressure on him and I feel that altough in a very slow way, this is helping him move forward. The relationship between the two of us is respectful, and has been like this for about 3 months now.
Patience, patience, patience...the thing I used to hate the most, since the last 2 years I had to learn to embrace it. And I'm actually happy sometimes that this all happened to me as I learned so much about myself.
Originally Posted by PLC
In all of my introspection while sad this last week or so, I know I am able to forgive and move forward. I now know that. Will he know this and want it? Let’s hope. But either way, I like this version of me instead of angry me. PLC
I really like the above. Try to keep this feeling. It will not always work, but it helps so much to get rid of that angry feeling. Don't do this for H, do this for you...
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
My H traveled so much, I really feel it helped me in the beginning.
Of course at the first BD, within a week he was gone for three months for work, where I know he met up with OW #1. During that time, D was home for a week or so. Otherwise, I was on my own. It helped me become stronger.
My H does not reach out for anything really. I would like if he did. Maybe someday. What he does do is buy food as described above. I make sure he knows I appreciate. In some way I know he needs to be acknowledged. And he should be.
As I mentioned, I have found forgiveness. This has made me feel peace.
Have you read the Five Love Languages book? Do you know what his Love Languages are? It's a little tricky but you CAN try to speak his love languages without appearing to be pursuing. Example - if words of affirmation is one of his lOve Languages, thanking him for the food is a good move. You could also casually comment "Oh, that shirt looks good on you " or (without laughing) " have you lost weight?".
I think you were the person who recommended that book to me a while back.
Yes, I was able to get it digitally from the library. It has been very helpful.
I will say this week (well, sun-weds) can’t count today yet, I have had interaction from him. He did not eat with us on Tuesday, but last evening after we ate, he came into the room asking if there was leftovers from the pasta we had on Tuesday. There was and I mentioned how good the garlic cheese bread was and he replied.
He’s not a chatty person, but this is a lot for him lately.
I just shared a lengthy post on May's thread and I think it applies to you, too. It probably applies to every person on this earth, to be honest. It's all about detachment, self-love and finding yourself again.
I know that a lot of what we share here is journaling our thoughts and experiences of our current challenging situations, and getting support for those micro-interactions that we all struggle with. But I see a lot of focus from you on H. If he's nice, you feel good. If he's ignoring you, you feel bad.
How can you break this cycle? Where are you, dearest PLC, in all of this? Who are YOU, deep within your own self? What are you worthy of? How do you want to feel?
Someone shared a journalling practice with me that has been really helpful. Set a point in time in the future, say 2 years from now. Write in the present tense how you are feeling, what is happening around you, where you are at physically and emotionally. Are the birds singing? Is the sun shining? Does it warm your face with its glow? What are you feeling inside? Make this intention reach into the realms of what may feel impossible now. Where is your relationship at? Both with H and within yourself?
Put energy into where you WANT to be, not where you are at now.
This list (you may have to read it daily, affirm it within yourself) will help you live your way into that perfect, future moment.
The only person you can change, is you. And I have every bit of faith that you will get there.
Boy oh boy, I remember there are some wild feelings with indifference waxing and waning. Weather the storm. Calm seas are ahead.