Steve, you get to decide whether you DB or go a more traditional route. You give lip service to the first, then you do the latter. Which is give, it's your life. But since of the best advice I got from this board early on was to either DB, or don't. Mixing methods gets your no where, and frustrates both you and your WAS. You seem to be the epitome of that. When you DB you do it poorly (passive-aggresively even using words like cold and hardball), and then most of the time you're not even close to DBing. Sandi looked to point out that when you mess up and stop DBing it sends you back to square one. And I see that with you, one step forward, two steps back.
Learn to listen and validate out you'll continue to have this tit-for-tats and get your berries crushed everytime.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Steve_, just letting you know I've been reading your updates and wish you well. I do think letting your wife know she has until January 1st, 2021 to decide and you'll still take her back is a mistake. She's cheated multiple times. Your odds both for reconciling and reconciling with better terms seem higher with a quick move out/on, where the price for her continued exploration is possibly losing you, and you shift your focus to you and yours a.s.a.p. When there's doubt, now she can say, "I have time", where before panic may set in. Her respect is likely lower because you're okay waiting while she explores others. PS - No part of DB involves being cold, expressing anger, or negative interactions to push them away. It's more about being unavailable because you are healing and working on your own best life for you and your kids without her. That all said, it is your life, and we all have to find our own paths we can live with. I'm cheering for you to succeed.
Yeah I see that now, you can’t half DB and half nice guy it. It confuses both of us to no end. It just makes negative interactions more frequent. I decided to just DB from now on. And keep anything regarding OR out of my mouth. It’s not helping every time we talk she is only getting reassured there is no urgency for her to stop what she is doing. The best thing I can say from now on is nothing. I told her already I was painting and I’d let her know when I come back. She called me 6 times today. I planned on waiting 1-2 hours then responding with “still painting Taking lots of coats to cover the colors” but she called my daughters iPad and had her hunt me down. Every time I try to distance myself she finds a way to talk to me. And of course asks why I didn’t answer. I just said “my phone was not near me I was painting” I said “okay well I gotta get back to it talk to you later” might have spent a whole 30 seconds on it. I can totally see after the tough night last night that being a nice guy makes her feel a lot better but leaves me feeling weak and stupid. I gotta DB in the most neutral way I can, just for my own sanity. I don’t think I’ve set myself back so far I can’t recover but if I don’t start and stick to it now I sure as hell will. At least I know that everyone here and at home is supporting me and rooting for me, I’ve explained myself to her a dozen times I think it’s totally okay for me to just stop talking except for business items and minimal as I can . At this point nobody would blame me. Maybe her but that’s just her guilt. And she needs that I can’t keep making this easy on her. That’s the biggest mistake I made.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/25/2009:53 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
So I think being alone and thinking about stuff I came to a conclusion of why this happened. Why it actually happened. I am pretty certain she left me for a guy who was a friend of the family and even became my friend. He has money, but also a wife and kids and wasn’t happy with his wife. I think my wife started hanging out at her sisters taking to him about each other’s M problems and they bonded etc.. all the questions of why and how she could do this and out of know where totally betrayed me, our kids and her family who just got a home for us to live In and we just spent a ton of money on if I replace those questions with him it answers every single one, ever thing she said and did makes sense if this is the case. The reason I realized this is two reasons. Her mom told me she isn’t coming back and told me to sit down with her and ask her to tell me the truth and stop lying. She wouldn’t say what she knows but she obviously knows something I don’t. The second reason is that his wife got suggested as a friend on FB, I’m friends with him he’s friend with my wife and all her latest pictures do not include him. She pretty much has posted a bunch of stuff recently but doesn’t have her husband in them. This would explain another thing she ordered a package and it my kids ripped it open to get the bubble wrap, I didn’t look through it but I did see a couple ash trays and I know he smokes. This was for her new place. With the “room mate” I feel like the reason she can’t take the kids here is because is him, and I know him, and she knows I will explode cause he was my friend. But the reality is that I won’t explode, if that’s what she wants fine she can go for it. I am just wondering something though. I think because of knowing her and the way she is that maybe this was her plan and when his wife started following her around she got upset and maybe backed out of the relationship but not the D cause she has “gone too far” now. I think she is hiding this from everyone and especially me because she isn’t 100% sure this will work out. He has a wife and kids, she does, she burned her whole family and I’ve been really cool about things and validated a lot a total 180 for me. I think the guilt is piling up and that’s why she’s lashing out. I think this will all come to light soon. And I think that she is feeling like a real POS right now.
Anyways I feel like confronting her about this will do the following:
1. if I’m right (pretty sure like 90% that I am) it will just drive her to him and be like “well too far gone now” and she will just get cemented in her choice. 2. Make her lie and lie and go even father underground, hiding more and letting her slip slowly and easily to him. 3. Make her just fight with me, be like totally F you and I don’t even care you got me.. so what? 4. Make her leave him and come back out of guilt, just to do it again later or behind my back.
I am thinking the best thing I can do is just act like i don’t know anything and detach. Let the consequences of this new life set it. Yes I’m sure it’s fun right now but I seen her on days falling apart l, getting sick etc. it won’t last, when people do this set up a R out of lies it never ends well. Especially when the give up everything for each other. The expectations are insane on the other person, to be “worth all they lost”. I think the best thing I can probably do is just do nothing and act like I know nothing and I’m just moving on if I want to save this, yes I’m a moron but I do want to save this. I love my wife and it’s not cause I need her, it’s because I see I could have done a lot better and because I still want her. I let her down a lot, that’s why it’s hard to just walk away. But I need to softly and sooner than later I think. The more I hold on the easier it is for her to chose this with no fear of loss. It makes there no real consequence besides my kids, his kids (who are friends) and the fam lily hate her. With me detaching I think the truth will hit her eventually. Probably not anytime soon but eventually.
Or should I just get some proof and blow this up? Idk if that would be good.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/26/2003:28 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Steve... This is the HARDEST time but it will get better. I remember it very well...I did not think I could EVER be happy again. I could not imagine being with anyone else or raising my kids without the two-parent family I had had growing up and wanted for them. It was unbelievably painful. I spent hours and hours on this board and many sleepless nights just trying to hang on to my sanity.
In the beginning, everything I did was calculated and I always had it in the back of my mind that I wanted my H back and thought that maybe if I did this DB thing to perfection, that would happen. Thoughts of him (and the lost future I thought I would have) consumed me... he was the first thing I thought about when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep. I remember what a relief it was when he started to become the second and then third thing I thought about until eventually, I barely thought about him at all. And the focus of my DBing shifted away from him and onto me and on building a new life for myself. I let go of the fear that as holding me back and slowly but surely with the help of time and the advice of people on this board, I moved forward.
It is hard to believe BD was only two years ago. I have come a long, long way since then and I am happy... much happier than I was when I was married to my XH. If you had told me two years ago I would get to this place, I would have told you that you were nuts. But I did...and you will too. Just keep moving forward. No fear!!! (((HUGS)))
Well I committed to DBing today. Fully. Hardest thing I ever did I’m just positive if I don’t change the pain will continue
She told me the other day that my daughters bed was in the room with my sons bed and that the daughter would sleep with her for now. Well my son told me her bed isn’t in his room. And she wouldn’t let the kids see her “room mates room” let’s be honest it’s because the other room is my daughters room. She just told me today “you will know who the roommate is when it’s time” I have enough of this BS even my 7 year old son is telling me his mom is lying to me. She just asked me “why do you want to know so bad? What does it matter?” I said because I need to make descisions about how to go forward with things and how things will be from now on between me and you. I know she would love to throw it In my face if I am wrong she would have texted me a picture of his room and told me to F off for accusing her. Yeah, I’m tired of being lied to. I have to be deluded if I think she moved in with a dude , he pays for it and she is in the master bedroom and isn’t banging him. Yeah i think i need to just admit to myself and stop listening to her BS. I’m tired of lying to myself.
She hasn’t been respecting boundaries and calling me and calling me and texting me. Testing me. I’ve been allowing it. So I just confronted her and of course she lied and avoided the questions and have stupid unlclear answers. It’s obvious to me now, it’s been obvious to you guys I’m plan B. , The apartment may be up sooner than January if it is I’m gonna just leave I’m tired of it. I’m not trying to wait around for 2 months.
I told her this exactly “ You just got done telling me things the other day and then our son tells me you lied to me.l that hurts. I can’t trust you, if I can’t trust you we can’t be talking and bonding and getting along like friends. We need to stop talking unless it’s about the kids, or it’s necessary. So if I don’t answer your calls from now on that’s why. No disrespect”
I wanted to address it now up-front because she will keep calling and texting me. And I didn’t even respect my own boundary before this time I will because I see it’s not about getting her back anymore it’s about stopping myself from getting hurt more by her lies and wayward BS.
I told her how I felt 100 times, told her I have regrets, told her i loved her. She’s heard it all. Seen a lot of 180s already and even acknowledged them. She isn’t stopping her wayward life, I’m sick of playing the pick me dance she can have him.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/26/2008:22 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I am really seeing that you are really struggling with all of this and think you can benefit greatly from getting some professional counseling. You are mistaking love with an unhealthy attachment you have to this woman. You know the truth so act accordingly. If she told you the truth how would that change things?
Your right it is an unhealthy attachment. I’m sure it stems from abandonment issues on my side. I’m the nervous kind she’s the avoidant.
Telling me the truth would have at least shown me she has some respect for me at least as the father of her kids. At least as a person that wouldn’t lie to me after taking everything away. I would have been able to give her some respect In Return for taking the hard right choice over the easy wrong one. But all these lies, what it did to our family and our kids, I have no respect for her anymore. She is a horrible person for doing this. She doesn’t even care what it’s doing to us all. She fits the wayward wife to a T. I wish I would have seen it sooner. I disagree that counseling will help me, I know what they will say, I’m aware of what the issues are. And I think stopping my denial and setting up a boundary around myself to prevent further cake eating was the right step. I will give the IC some consideration but it’s financially difficult at the moment. I know that this will take years to heal from and that [censored], but at least I’m not doing anything too crazy this time and I’ve handed this for the most part okay. Minus the flip flopping on DBing up to this point. From now on I’m saying things matter of fact, as little as possible, trying to get out of the house anytime she is around, just let her feel what life without me is like as much as possible. That’s what she asked for so that’s what she will get from now on. I’ve literally been supporting her and holding her hand and letting her spoon feed me lies this whole time. That is the worst thing I could have done. But can’t undo it only change the way I move forward. I just have to take this time to accept she’s with another man so when she announces it I won’t be destroyed and really sink into depression. So I’m gonna accept it and just let this all do it’s work. There is no lie she can tell me anymore that will comfort me now. It’s too late for that too obvious.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/26/2001:00 PM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Sorry Steve. My XH referred to his gf as a “roommate” (swore on our kids’ lives that was all she was) right up until about a week before they got engaged. I had already decided he was lying long before that so it didn’t hurt as much as I had anticipated it might. What it did do, however, is make my direction really, really clear. It is amazing how much progress you can make once you genuinely drop the rope and stop hoping for change. My XH was not the person I thought he was or, more importantly, the person I wanted him to be. He wasn’t ever going to be that...and I’m not sure he ever was. His actions over the course of our marriage revealed a significant lack of character and I realized that even if he wasn’t with OW, he is still not the kind of person I want to spend my life with. Guess what? There are many, many other people out there who are.
If you do the work, you will look back on this a year or two from now and just shake your head in amazement that you ever felt this way about your WAS. You will know you are there when see your WAS and feel nothing other than “there’s someone I used to love”. Don’t be afraid of getting to that place. It is a fantastic place to be. (((HUGS)))
Thank you Dejavu I know that I won’t die from this, I know that time will eventually heal it. I felt like I had to confront her and look this thing in the face so I could tell myself that it’s done. I had to snuff out the last hope I had and pretty much turn my back on her. I don’t even want to be her friend after what she has done, I realized that what I do now makes no difference I went down several cheeseless tunnels and they had no avail. The only thing I haven’t tried is setting up a boundary calling her on this and sticking to it. LTR was something I thought I was gonna do before until she told me some more comforting lies, i can’t stop hearing everyone else I tell the story to tell me I’m an idiot. I wanted to believe her but there is just too many holes in her story. If I don’t respect myself and let her go she will never feel the loss, never feel the pain, just move along Scott free and I’ll be in her back pocket and She doesn’t deserve me anymore
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
