"someone tried to hack you, if I cared what your doing I wouldnt have let you take me off the account with the "i gotta upgrade my watch" excuse, you never upgraded your watch, im not dumb, Ive been as cool as I can be with all this, I just want you to be happy, I gotta go back to work now, see ya"
Do you see what you are doing here? You’re trying to SHOW her that you don’t care so she gets interested and wants you back. You’re still trying to manipulate her.
YOU CAN NOT REASON WITH A PSYCHOPATH. It took me so long to learn that and I caused myself so much pain over and over as a result.
Trying to reason with her is like trying to talk a screaming baby. It’s like trying to convince a flat earther the world is round. ALL YOU DO IS CREATE PAIN FOR YOURSELF.
You just can’t reason with someone who isn’t being reasonable. They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....
You seem like a nice person. You deserve so much better than the person she currently is.
Yep not a single word from me since last night, the more I think about it the more it enrages me how just messed up, disrespectful, disgusting and morally corrupt she has been to me, our kids and her family. I honestly sometimes pretend that she is dead, that helps me when I miss her. I definately have a bad attachment issue. I got no reason to be with this type of messed up person other than the ones I create for myself. Im not in love with her, im in love with what she could have been and obviously never was.
The anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. Use it as fuel to detach. When I finally got fed up with the BS, is when I finally started to truly detach. F em and feed em fish heads was my motto. She is of no concern to you anymore...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Well a new update. Things got a bit weird as usual.
She came in my room and asked me how I’m doing. I gotta be honest I just said F it, I’m done pretending I don’t even care anymore. I told her “look, I get what your doing is what you gotta do, it’s fine”. I tried to get an apartment that day and she went out for “30” minutes. Turns out that 30 minutes was 2 hours and someone else put a deposit so now I’m stuck another 2 months. Nothing else I can afford is available. I was not thrilled she did that, but I didn’t get mad I just got disappointed. She said “why are you in such a hurry to leave, if you leave we get disconnected and it’s just business, we are talking, we are like understanding each other now, why do you need to leave?” I told her “I need my space it’s been me and the kids 24/7, I get no time to myself” she said “I understand” then she essentially went on to tell me why she cannot take me back “right now” and why she hasn’t budged on her choice. I validated, validated, validated. I told her “I’ll be here until janurary first, if you don’t want me to leave you need to decide what you really want to do by then, if you don’t want to work this out I’m gonna move out, I can’t stay here forever waiting, is that enough time for you to understand what you want?” She said “yes” I then said “look, I’m not gonna plan on you coming back, I made arrangements to move out the first, so unless you change your mind that is the plan. I am not mad, I am really disappointed how things went down but it’s alright it is what it is and I don’t want to worry about it” she said “okay, thank you for the time to think, I just want to see if I can be alone, I’ll watch the kids and my place on your days and sleep here, I just don’t want any what if’s If I come back to you because to be honest I’ll just do this again later, I don’t want to do that so I need to see if I can be alone” she went on to say “if you find someone that loves you and makes you happy punish me, I did this, it’s my fault, I won’t be mad I’ll like her and be nice” I just shook my head. This is clearly all a game to her. She calls me later the next morning 3x I answered the 3rd since she called in a row and I know it would just piss her off. Her mom has been silent treatmenting her, everyone has been cutting her off, she tried to lash out at me and cuss on the phone I said “if you gonna talk to me this way I’m gonna hang up” she said “bye” and I just hung up. I don’t know what this game is all about. But I know I will stand for my marriage at least another 2 months before I can detach completely I know myself . She asked me not to push her to do what I want. So I sort of gave her permission to figure that out. Was it stupid yeah it was, but she already filed D and it’s not like I got anything to lose. Me being silent and playing hardball with her is actually pushing her father away. She thinks I don’t care at all. I told her that isn’t true and that I regret mistakes I made but ultimately this is not my choice it’s hers. The best I can do is give her some time to think. She really appreciated that. Was it weak? Sure, but Me trying to move out shook her and at least she knows I am not gonna fiddle around Forever I got the money and was trying to get out. I think it became real to her now. She just might lose me and she is scared trying to buy some time. It’s fine, I don’t plan on her coming back for a long time, at least I will go out the dude that validated her and did the right thing in the end. Not as some angry revenge person. I left to paint the house out of state she tried to strike up a convo, I told her “ I’m painting, the kids are with my mom, I’ll let you know when I’m done and we are headed back “ she just said “ok”.
I’m sure I did a lot of things wrong here. But I sort of followed my heart. And just went with the flow. If she doesn’t come back I’ve not really lost anything because I haven’t had her in a long time. She has been seeing me detaching and it’s scaring her. I plan on doing it as much as I can and not giving her any more reasurrances. I’ve given her the last shot she has. This won’t be fixed anytime soon if at all and I know that. But she doesn’t know I know that. I fully expect it taking her to succeed or fail with another man to determine this, if that’s not already going on. I was a good man and I’m confident in time she will see that. If she doesn’t it’s on her and eventually I’ll get where I don’t care anymore, every day gets both harder and easier. She even said she isn’t happy with this. I take what she says as like 0.5% true. And just do what I have to do and try to do what I feel is right.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/25/2003:31 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
So after all that... and I told her I’ll tell her when I’m done she face times me like 3 hours later. She already did that to the kids and even the kids told her I’m alone painting. She had zero reason to call me. I just turned my phone off. It’s like dude, what don’t you get I told you to do your thing. I’m fine with it, stop acting like I’m still your husband and you can call me and expect me to answer whenever you want. You don’t get to do that.
I know she will have something to say, I don’t want to make up a lie like “oh my phone died” I want to be like “honey I have done everything the best I can. But it’s not fair you expect to call me and talk to me whenever you want and also leave me. I don’t like that, I’m trying to let you go not be your buddy. I don’t want to be friends I want to be your husband”
Obviously I won’t say that but she like sticks to her guns on leaving me “for now” how can I tell her why I don’t like talking to her without it seeming like being the jerk that didn’t give her attention and affection. What I prob would say as short as I can would be “you fired me, I want to be there for you anytime but it’s not fair that you let me go and still expect me to be there” that would be wrong and I want to know just what to say to not sound like a mean ass but also not like a wet noodle. I been standing up for myself and I need to make boundaries to her. But In a way that’s gentle, I’m so sick of backtracking, it’s not helping but being hard as woodpecker lips just fuels her reasons, I need to be firm but also gentle here. That’s the way forward I know her better than anyone probably even herself.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/25/2004:43 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Im not sure on the timeline for you, but i can see its still fairly early days for you and W. Just from reading your updates, there are too many talks with her. You have said your bit so many times now. You need to lovingly detach, that doesn't mean being unkind or cruel or proving the point. You love her right? Well love isnt selfish, and if the person you love doesnt want to be with you, the most loving thing to do is ti let them go. I think your actions will speak louder than words going forward.
You call her back when you have the time...if she leaves you a voicemail and asks you to call. Otherwise you leave it. Just like you would if your neighbour called you...or an acquaintance. Don’t volunteer an explanation. If she asks why you didn’t pick up, just say you were busy. Now take the focus off of her. Stop trying to strategize. And stop reminding her that she fired you and it’s not fair. She knows that already and it just makes you seem weak and unattractive. It is really hard in the beginning but you really do have to force yourself to GAL and stop ruminating on the situation. The sooner you do, the sooner you will wake up one day and realize you are okay...with our without your W. That’s the goal. Hang in there Steve. It will get easier. (((HUGS)))
BTW...your thread title...holding on...it appears that is what you are trying to do and it is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. The more you try to hold on to her, the more she is going to want to pull away. Let her go if you want to have any chance of getting her back.
Thank you. I know it’s what i have to do. I just really loved her, I’ve sacrificed so much for her. She was really difficult to love and i stood by her. I know I have to let go and everything you guys say and I read is correct. It’s all fear, I’m afraid letting go will lose her. But I have to accept I’ve already lost her and the only shot i have of getting her back is to let go. I never let go and always got her back, and that’s why she always left. I will just do my very best to detach in the most loving and respective way with as few words as possible from now on. I wear my heart on my sleeve and while that’s why she loved me and many women do, it’s a weakness I pay for time and time again. I need to get hard like I was in the army I jumped out of airplanes, I was a door kicker, I’ve seen and done some Real hard stuff and this 5’2 woman destroyed me when none of that did. I’m such a strong man a leader, a true alpha besides her, then I treat her like a celebrity and I always end up treated like a fan. it’s like being Superman and she’s kryptonite. You guys keep seeing me fail, and fail and fail. But I’m doing my best and I read and consider every response. It’s hard to just stop loving someone when your an all-in kind of person who just believes in people and puts your love into it. I know in my mind I have to do this, I’m trying to convince my heart to just let go. I should be over it by now but every time she gives me hope keeps me from healing, I think that’s my problem and that’s exactly why she does it. She doesn’t t really want to see me get better she wants to keep me in her back pocket, I have to stop looking at her like my wife and look at her like a stranger because right now that’s what she is.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
But I have to accept I’ve already lost her and the only shot i have of getting her back is to let go.
You’re definitely progressing slowly into detachment, but it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a long journey.
When the statement above reads like this:
Quote
But I have to accept I’ve already lost her and what (if anything) happens in the future is out of my control.
Then you’ll know you’ve made it.
You seem like a great guy. But you can’t nice her back, you can’t threaten her back, you can’t timeline her back.
All you can do is go “I’m a great guy, and I’m gonna get on living my life.” We only get so many laps around the sun.
What does Steve like? Hobbies? Sport? Beers with mates? BBQ? Road trips? Motorbikes?
Minimise interactions with her. No more relationship talks. The sole focus of your life now should be accepting you can’t change anything she thinks/does/says, and Steve’s happiness is what he needs to concentrate on!
Your posts are very difficult to read. Without respect there is no love. This woman has left you five times. You deserve so much better. Time to let go and start to heal and move on. If she does comeback it will only be temporary. That’s the dynamic you’ve developed in your relationship.
