Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[cardinal]

Hello, all—I have missed you! Thanks for checking in here, everyone. I keep thinking I'll have time to catch up here during the weekend, but right now my only day off from three jobs is Sunday, and my schedule has been so crazy. This is the third week of my new WFH job, and so many things about it are telling me this is where I should be right now. The people on the small team I work with seem to really share my values and are doing inspiring work I really admire. I'm still learning about their work and their systems and don't feel I'm in a place to really contribute in a huge way yet, but I think I will be able to. I love WFH and would enjoy it even more if H wasn't disruptive. I can't believe after a year of job searching, I somehow landed this one with only one interview. I'm so grateful.

One of our weekly Zoom meetings featured a speaker from the Billions Institute. I wasn't familiar with her, but the presentation resonated with everything going on in my personal life in so many ways. I wish I could tell my co-workers how amazing it was to experience her message in light of what's going on in my marriage—kind of feel like it's too soon for that, though! I'll share one tiny snippet here. "If someone says to you, 'You don't care about me,' your job is not to convince them that you do or that they're wrong," the speaker said. "You already know how deeply you care; you don't need to convince anyone else." There was more to it than that, but, in hearing those words, I felt how much energy I spent last year (and sometimes in our M) trying to convince my H that I loved him. I felt how much of my energy is still drained away, sometimes, in feeling that I need somehow to convince my MIL (who I still haven't talked to) and anyone else that I did love him, that I didn't see this D coming, etc etc. Can I just be okay with knowing and believing my own feelings and my own mind?

I've been thinking about your responses to my post in the last few weeks (when I do have a minute to think about something other than work!). I've still been going back and forth between feeling frustrated and done and feeling like what I really need is more patience. I do still think that H has to think everything is his idea before any movement will happen. I think he has to want to move out, or he will just dig in his heels harder if I try in any way to move this process along.

And then, guess what? I heard someone came to the shop where I still work two days a week looking for me today. When my co-worker asked to take down a message for me, the person said, "She doesn't know me. I just have some papers for her."

So I think I'm getting served D papers at work tomorrow!

Partly I feel relieved at the thought: maybe I won't have to worry about whether I should file or not anymore. Partly I feel dread: When is this stranger going to walk through the door like any other customer, only to hand me D papers? Partly I feel annoyed: Why in the world is H having me served at work? To me, that's unnecessarily unkind and disruptive. He's here with me at home all week, and he knows I work here now most of the time. Also, guess he's not giving me the heads up that he said he would many months ago. H was home most of the day today with me. Partly I feel relieved that we won't hit our 11th anniversary in a couple of weeks with H still not having filed; and, yeah, partly a little sad about that.

I know this doesn't really change anything, because I'll still be waiting on H to be ready to actually discuss an agreement, to share financial docs with me, to come around to mediation or not. I suspect no forward movement will happen for some time. I don't plan to say anything about the papers to H; if he wants to bring it up, he can. Right now, the ball is in his court as far as an agreement goes.

I also find myself still finding that familiar loop of wanting some kind of answer: How the heck did H turn into this person? How is our 17-year R now me getting served at work with no warning? I don't dwell on those questions like I used to, but they resurface at times, and they resurfaced with this news. I've not thought much about our past R or memories of it lately. Mostly because I'm pretty content in my life, and busy too--I'm excited about whatever is ahead for me. Partly because it does me no good to think about it right now, because it leads me further down the questioning path, reminds me how different before was. No point spending too much time in that loop.

But look what I've missed—first eggs from Blossom and Marigold! There have probably been many more eggs by now. bttrfly, how is the flock? I know I've missed much more, and I want to catch up on how everyone is doing. I'll be back as I can. xoxo

[cardinal]

And let me add this here from Sage's thread, because we touched on boundaries in the work presentation today too:

And you handled it in the right way - not as punishment, but simply acknowledging that it hurts you too much for him to be there at this time. You're not shutting the door, you're just not allowing him to abuse you. It's setting a healthy boundary. You can be kind and have healthy boundaries at the same time. Stick to the high road but at the same time don't let him cross those healthy boundaries.

My immediate reaction was just, yeah, H has his life; I have mine, and I don't wish to share a house with him anymore. I know I sound like a broken record. But this feels desire feels healthy to me! Only I can't move out myself, so it's not a boundary I can put in place yet. I guess kml's words were just a reminder for me that not wanting to live with H doesn't have to mean I don't care for him or that I'm unkind.

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

Your new jobs sounds like a great fit for you. It’s very satisfying to be part of a team with likeminded values. I suspect soon, some coworkers will become closer friends and you will be able to share those meaningful things.

Tomorrows work visit: It may not be divorce paperwork, however it certainly does sound probably.

H not mentioning it, if indeed that is the case, yeah that sounds about right. My divorce was sprung upon me while I happened to be at my lawyer’s adjusting my will. The paperwork was delivered to him, to deliver to me. No word from XW, nothing.

It is strange to see all those years of R; 30 for me; and have D papers silently delivered to you. H is on his path. Give him to God.

Can I just be okay with knowing and believing my own feelings and my own mind?

Absolutely.

Reflecting upon one’s past, seeing how different it is, does bring forth questions. And yet, it bring answers as well. A comfort and contentment is found within the stark difference between then and now. For what was once so unbelievable becomes believed - MLC, WAS, H’s behaviour, and such.

You know your past. You know you care. You are kind and compassionate. You are content.

You did love H. You still do.

Believe in yourself. You’ve no need to convince or prove anyone else’s point of view wrong or right.

D

[bttrfly]

let us know what happened.

this week we got first eggs from both Violet & Belle - both are black copper marans so their eggs are an exquisite deep, dark chocolate color. Gypsy is the remaining freeloader - Easter egger, eager to see what her egg color will be. And oddly the laying of eggs now includes the entire flock going into the hen house and singing an egg song chorus for the hen laying the egg, like a bunch of midwives. Is this normal, or are my girls just weirdos??

this new job sounds like the perfect place for you, and overall I think you're doing great. Keep us informed xoxoxo

[cardinal]

Um, guys? I got served at work today. By someone who was clearly one of his friends. And he's trying to get an annulment on a 10 year marriage because we never had, like, technical biblical sex. He's claiming this is fraud! When I asked a L about this possibility during a consult, they assured me there's a time limit on this kind of thing, and it's not ten years. I wasn't planning on support. We don't have assets to divide. He'd rather ensure we both have lawyers just so... what? I don't get the tiny portion of a pension I am entitled to?

Please talk me down. I am shaking with rage. If I had any doubts he has lost his mind...

I have to get a L to file a response now, right? This is no longer a response I can file myself?

Luckily he's gone for the weekend, but I do not know how I can be in the same house with him at all now. .

[DnJ]

I am sorry it came to this cardinal. (((Hugs)))

He lives in the same house and has you served at work. That did sound likely, but still... wow. And I really don’t know what he is trying to get across with the “no technical biblical sex”. Yeah, his hamster has fell of its wheel.

I would follow one thing he said:

He'd rather ensure we both have lawyers

Yep. Get a lawyer. See what you are untitled too. Learn your rights. Discover if he owes you support or if you owe him. Perhaps the assets are greater than you know. H wouldn’t be the first person to try to pull a fast one.

Come in from the ledge. It’s narrow and it’s cold outside - well it is here.

This event certainly does stir one’s emotions. It’s ok to feel all over the place for a while. When I got served, XW had been gone for 11 months and it still shocked me.

The rage will pass. Do not make any decisions for a few days; to ensure you are calmed down.

Speak with a lawyer. Consider all the angles of this business deal gone bad, and go from there. Keep this business. It really is; even thought it doesn’t feel that way right now.

Stay strong.

Be the grey rock. Go dim/NC.

D

[PLC]

I am so sorry Cardinal. This brings tears to my eyes, because this is what we all are trying to avoid in being here.

I know this was not entirely unexpected, but wow.

Listen to the veterans here. They will help you.

((CARDINAL))

[cardinal]

Thank you, DnJ and PLC. He is off his hamster wheel for sure. I’ve carried shame around the SSM for a long time—I’ve experienced pain issues and blamed myself, but over the last year in therapy I’ve come to see how H also did not make intimacy easy. I’ve come to see how I blamed myself for his anger too, the anger that he often said did not exist. Well, H is angry now and has been for the last year. When he decided he was unhappy and had been for our entire M, he also decided to blame all of it on me and take no responsibility for his own life. A common story here.

There are just so many new lows from him today, I can’t process it. I’ve never felt this level of anger. I’m thinking about how the papers weren’t even in an envelope, just crumpled from his (girl) friend carrying them around for who knows how long. Of course all his friends know how I’ve tortured him and never loved him and why I deserve nothing—he’s got that story down.

I was fine with no courtesy heads up. I was fine with being served at work unnecessarily. But now that he thinks he can magically erase our M with an annulment the way he has erased and rewritten it in his memory, I’m not fine. He’s living in such a fantasy. My therapist laughed and said if this was the case, people would get annulments all the time—after affairs, after waking up one day after 20 years of M and not loving their partner anymore, etc. she couldn’t believe a L had signed off on it.

The worst part is I have needed all of these people to tell me today that he is crazy and that, yes, our M happened and he was a co-creator of it; they saw how he loved me—I didn’t force him to stay in a M and “suffer.” I’ve needed people to tell me that I don’t deserve this. His narrative still has a little power over me, and I don’t like it.

I want to call his mom and say WTF is your son doing? I want to throw his stuff out. Change the locks. All things I won’t do. And I really want to scream something at him to make him see how unnecessarily cruel he’s being. The worst part is that he doesn’t see it and can’t.

[Gerda]

Cardinal, big hug to you. I remember that feeling. My H did that when I was home with our kids and refused to move out for over a year until I paid him to move out. He is still trying to destroy me.

I don' think it's possible not to feel what you are feeling.

But I will say that it's all lies (from the devil, I mean, that sort of lies).

Of course he will try to legitimize the ways he has hurt you.

The only thing you have to know is that you believed in your marriage and your man. You loved honestly and truly. You knew what you were getting into when you married him -- e.g., you knew what marriage was. Your ability to love him is not indicative of his current ability to love you. Try not to get confused. Be sad that he lost his mind rather than angry that he is saying those things about your marriage or you.

If his GF served you, she is possessed by the dark side even more than the average OW. She is a little ant and not worth your notice.

It's probably not possible to think clearly now. It hurts too much. But know that you will get there.

Annulment in a Catholic sense? That's not how it works. It's about whether or not you understood the sacrament you were undertaking. Or if he was insane at the time. It's a long process.

Let him spin his wheels on all of this. Your one and only goal -- protect your finances and get as much of what you deserve as you are willing to battle for. If you don't want any of it, sign the papers and be done. If you want something, just focus on that and don't worry about the truth of who did what. You know what the truth is. He will either wake up and realize that or he never will. Don't justify yourself or your past.

You should get a lawyer but you don't need one to respond to this first thing. Don't rush to find someone, find the really right one for you. You are contesting the divorce, right? E.g., you are not okay with what he plans to do for dividing what you have? So it's a contested divorce. There is a site for family law self help, it's a center and an org. Do a web search and it should pop right up. It will explain to you what to do to buy the time you need to answer -- essentially that you are contesting the divorce and that you need time to find a lawyer and request the maximum amount of time to do.

((((Cardinal)))))

[cardinal]

Gerda, I have two L I have consulted with in the past and like. I think I know who I will go with. I don’t want a contested D if possible and I don’t know what he would even propose in a D agreement, since all these papers show is a box checked for annulment. No financial info or proposed settlement attached (I suppose because they request an annulment and not a dissolution). Plus I don’t think he wants to do the work of listing out possessions, etc.

If I file a response to the annulment papers that request a D instead of an annulment, is that considered contested? I’m just wondering at what point a D crosses into contested territory if we have no proposed agreements yet on either side. Is it once we have each proposed agreements and both L say we can’t come to an agreement and we want to go to court, then is it contested?

Thank you for sending me strength, Gerda!