My wife noticed I was being more present and asked, “why are you suddenly getting more involved with the kids?” I didn’t think, I just said “I’m making some changes. There are some things I don’t like about myself and I’ve decided to become a better father.” That ended the discussion on a confused note.
Perfect.
Quote
Last night she texted me at midnight (I was asleep, got it this morning) that, to paraphrase: “I sense something major has shifted in you (us). I feel like you’re shielding the kids from me, taking them out places and getting them ice cream, like I’m the bad guy/bad mother for not doing that when I’m out with them. I’m bothered you took them to a mountain without consulting me during Covid.”
I see several options. The one that stands out is validating her FEELINGS.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I’m still trying to learn, I feel like I’m getting it a baby step at a time but I still have a long ways to go. Can you point out what I’m not getting?
I’m pretty happy with my reply. She had texted me but not mentioned anything in person, so I texted her back (medium is the message) even though we’re in the same house. Somehow I felt that if I approached her about her message she’d shut down again.
To paraphrase my reply, “I understand you’re feeling like I’m trying to shield the kids from you. If I were in your shoes I’d be really upset about that. I’m sorry, that must suck. For my motivation, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. I hope you know i would never do that. I’m sorry about being unclear with the destination, I won’t do that in the future. My only motivation is being the best father I can and showing my kids some beautiful places.”
Basically, just what you said. Validate, validate, validate. I didn’t touch on her suggestion that something major had shifted between us, it wasn’t a question and didn’t seem like it needed a response.
As far as the school schedule, I should be able to do that from now on. My work schedule generally allows it.
My first instinct is that detaching is finally starting to work. This felt like the first little 1% of her realizing the game has changed and she doesn’t like the loss of control. She also said in her
I highlighted a few words that a detached person wouldn't be using.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
When you’re detached you are living your best life. If she wants to join you living that life then great if she doesn’t that ok too. You’re not worried if your actions are effecting her. It’s ok that you’re not detached right now it’s a process. You will know when you’re detached.
“I sense something major has shifted in you (us). I feel like you’re shielding the kids from me, taking them out places and getting them ice cream, like I’m the bad guy/bad mother for not doing that when I’m out with them. I’m bothered you took them to a mountain without consulting me during Covid.”
Originally Posted by Hoch
To paraphrase my reply, “I understand you’re feeling like I’m trying to shield the kids from you. If I were in your shoes I’d be really upset about that. I’m sorry, that must suck. For my motivation, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. I hope you know i would never do that. I’m sorry about being unclear with the destination, I won’t do that in the future. My only motivation is being the best father I can and showing my kids some beautiful places.”
I would have kept it shorter.
Here are other responses:
"It must be hard feeling that way. "
"I appreciate you sharing your concerns. I will keep them in mind the next time we go out."
Just remember that women test their men. You want to pass the tests. Most guys don't. Don't be like most guys.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think you’re both right, I’m still not understanding detaching. I have a long road to walk but I’m finally feeling upbeat about it .
In reading through the success stories on the site, the term that I think fits is that I am “lovingly distancing” and finally starting to live my own life. I’ve been so full of resentment this whole time and I’m finally letting that go, bit by bit. I’m seeing my wife now as someone who has stumbled, fallen, and has been going through hell. I’m finally getting the “lovingly” part of distancing.
I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding the technique or going backwards, all I know is that I’m feeling freer and more positive, and I actually find myself wishing her well. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that.
Detachment is proceeding. Had another great GAL day with my boys and their grandparents, taking them for long drives and getting ice cream and visiting some local landmarks. It was rainy, but we found a pocket of sunshine and chased it for a good 30 miles - just to put a smile on my boys’ faces. It was a good day .
I’ve been focusing on becoming more aware of my body thru yoga and emotional awareness, seeing where emotions are stored in the body and learning which parts I’ve cut off from myself thru constant stress. Lots of walks, exercise, weightlifting, etc. I’m kicking ass at work, and keeping my home office very clean. It feels good. Started and completed a few house repairs and have more on the list.
As to the advice, the state of my wife is coming into focus but by bit. I found a bottle of bourbon that is alarmingly empty that I didn’t buy, along with a bunch of listerine stashed around the house. Now, this may seem alarmist - it’s one bottle of booze - but there are two problems. One, she has a history of substance abuse - she went nearly suicidal with marijuana around when we first got together, had a drinking and cutting problem in high school, and had a suicidal event three years ago where she took a bunch of my sleep meds and drank a bunch of alcohol and I came home to her unconscious on the floor - with my 1 year old running around. Two, it’s not just the alcohol which concerns me - it’s the sneaking. I know her, this tells me she’s in a dark place and sinking rather than swimming.
It explains why she’s been passing out on the couch for the last month or so.
As mentioned, I know I sound overly-jumpy. She’s a grown woman and it’s a bottle of scotch for gods sake. Well, I don’t care. I know my wife, and this is a bad sign. Each time this has surfaced in our relationship it has only gone to a bad place - to my knowledge it does not tend to right itself.
I would like to proceed carefully, and I could use the advice and wisdom of those on the board. Thanks
Two things. 1st ,I think it is a huge deal. Sneak drinking is a sign of alcoholism, no question. One found bottle of scotch is probably the sign of many never found, so your right to be concerned.
2nd, there is nothing you can do. Alcoholics do not listen to those concerned about them. It takes hitting rock bottom for the alcoholic to finally wake up to their problems.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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