Sorry to hear about the recent development sounds like things are moving fast. Unfortunately she is done and will be for a really long time. Time and space are the only thing that may change it around. I have been divorced for almost 2.5 years and lead a pretty good life. My dating experiences have been bizarre to say the least but it’s 1,000% better then cohabitating with someone who doesn’t want to be there.
As for my ex, according to my kids she’s still miserable and they can’t take her anymore (their exact words). Guess she can’t blame me anymore lol.
Make the best deal you can and open the cage door. One day at a time Scotty B.
Well, her parents just bought her a house, she closes in it in 11/16. She did it all without telling me. She said she doesn’t want to rush the process.
Wow! She doesn't want to rush the process but she bought a house? There's just no end to the crazy things WAS's will say.
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I would say that’s a pretty big development. I had mentioned that on Monday I called the mediator. I could fight it but there is no point. I think I do the best to negotiate for what I want.
Yeah given this development I would say you need to switch into negotiation mode and get child visitation settled and move to split all finances, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. I'm not saying to give up on the M but if she's moving then it's time to split everything apart to protect yourself.
Back to the trip you mentioned, given this new development and given that the trip is well after she closes on her house, I would say to go ahead and plan the trip without consulting her and when you negotiate the child visitation schedule with her then work those days into the schedule to where she has the kids during the trip. No need to tell her you're going or when or where, just coordinate the kid schedule around it.
Today she sent a $10k retainer check to her attorney. I told her I thought we were going to work this out? Wild.
Monday we are having a meeting to begin to lay out a schedule to divide up some of the stuff. She starting texting me about splitting everything up and I said we need to have a meeting, I wasn't going to do it over text.
I'll book the trip at the last minute if I go. My friends are going to be out there for ten days. A last minute ticket will be a couple hundred bucks. I'll just book it then (if she leaves me a couple hundred bucks).
The great news is that one of my friends who she did not want me to talk to (that was in my wedding), I grabbed coffee with him this morning. He sat with me for three hours. It was awesome. Such a great dude, so understanding when I explained to him what had happened. It was great.
And my family and friends are so incredibly supportive, I really couldn't ask for more. I know there will be ups and downs, and I know that this is going to hurt more than I can imagine in this moment, but I'm surrounded by loving and caring people.
Finally, I had a really great call with my coach today. He is so insightful and good at helping me understand reality. My wife told me yesterday that I am controlling, and on this message board that topic has come up a good bit. My coach broke down for me what it means to be controlling versus influence. It was great - and he made the point that generally someone that is really controlling would never ask the question "Do I have a blindspot around being controlling?" We hashed it out and I felt great about it.
We then talked about the difference between emotional detachment and what he prefers, lovingly detaching and I felt great about that to. He said feeling the pain is good when it hurts, he would rather I feel the pain than have a cold heart. He said that I need to grow from it and not take it to heart. He had more to say, but it really resonated with me.
For anyone reading this, this is an unabashed plug for a DB coach. I've grown so much more through this by working with my coach than I ever could have done on my own or just with the message boards.
Anyhow - Its been a tough couple of days, I've taken a two hour walk in the woods alone, talked to my friends and family, had a great talk with my coach, the sun was out, its beautiful, the birds are singing. Now I'm heading home, which is scary, but I'll play my guitar tonight, maybe buy some firewood, have a beer, and it will be great.
I posted and went home and he’ll broke loose. I can hardly believe it.
As soon as I walked in the door my wife told me that our son had stolen my daughters phone and that my wife had found it. He had been in it till 3am many nights over the last two weeks. My wife had been tearing the house apart looking for that phone. So together we came up with a punishment. That was just the start.
Then at dinner my daughter noticed my wife wasn’t wearing her wedding ring and in a calm but direct manner asked her fives times if she was getting a secret divorce.
Now i think my son over heard us one night, he ends up going outside. 15 minutes later we find him sitting in the rain without a shirt in crying. We spent the next couple hours comforting him and trying to get him to tell us what was going on because the trigger wasn’t 100% clear, but seemed pretty clear to me. Maybe i should have hit the divorce with him right there but I didn’t.
Once the kids went to bed I was full of rage. I had asked her earlier in the year to wear her rings until we told the kids. She stopped wearing them a month ago.
She came and sat next to me and asked me “what was up?” I told her she was selfish. I told her wearing her rings was small. And as you know it didn’t get better from there. Highlights: i learned she is suicidal, I learned she removed my shotgun from the house at some point in the last year and she won’t tell me wear it is, she obviously called me manipulative, controlling, and said “I know the cards you play and I’m not playing your mind games anymore.” I told her that the kids were not going to be fine and she said that she knew that, she had been saying that because she didn’t want me to guilt her with the kids. She accused me of being selfish and not moving out to give her space (I could go to my parents house). And when she found out I talked to my good friend, again she was furious.
I really didn’t care. She put my kids in a precarious position by being selfish. It’s obvious she is projecting. She is lying, being manipulative, and is psychology unhinged. Wild day, I just wanted to go home and sit by the fire with my guitar.
Today my best friend is coming into town and we’re spending the day together. For dinner I’ll be hanging out with three of the four guys from my wedding. Today is going to be a great day. But geez, last night was good insane.
So Scotty for all the reading and coaching you've been doing you are still making many mistakes. Trying to get her to wear her rings is controlling. Trying to make her stay in a marriage she is unhappy in and telling her the kids won't be ok is manipulative. She feels trapped right now and the only thing you can do right now is to let her go so she doesn't see you as her adversary.
So I'm sure your familiar wit the stages of grief. I think you are finally coming out of denial and are moving into the anger phase. It's gonna be difficult for you but you need to learn to control your emotions.
I'm really sorry you're going through this right now.
It’s painful to watch our kids hurting. I’m so sorry you went through this.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Then at dinner my daughter noticed my wife wasn’t wearing her wedding ring and in a calm but direct manner asked her fives times if she was getting a secret divorce.
If your kids are at the point of asking about it multiple times, she’s purchased a house, and you’re done earnestly trying (see tonight’s conversation), I suspect the time for secrecy is past and it’s time to be a straight-shooter with your kids about what you know to alleviate their fears and preserve trust.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I had asked her earlier in the year to wear her rings until we told the kids. She stopped wearing them a month ago. I told her she was selfish. I told her wearing her rings was small. she obviously called me manipulative, controlling
It doesn’t seem like the issue was.. small.. for either of you. You were trying to control her behavior in this instance. Could that have been a factor in her taking them off? It’s a shame they found out this way as opposed to a nice sit-down with both parents, although that doesn’t happen too often here.
Originally Posted by ScottB
i learned she is suicidal, I learned she removed my shotgun from the house at some point in the last year and she won’t tell me wear it is,
Woah—red flag here. My ex-wife being suicidal (and fears of murder-dioxide) is what prompted me to take custody of my kids. It’s easy to talk yourself out of how serious something like this is. Maybe consult with your attorney for options (evaluation/counseling) to ensure your kids remain safe?
Originally Posted by Scort
And when she found out I talked to my good friend, again she was furious.
LH - I asked her to wear her rings back in February. I never brought it up again and I didn’t care if she put them in now; it’s too late, my daughter noticed and brought it up. I don’t think I was clear on that point.
With the kids, I’m not trying to convince her to stay, I want her to own the truth of the situation so that we can be on the same page and get them the help they need as well as to be aware of changes we each see in them; but to say they will be fine, I’m sorry I can’t accept that. If that’s controlling, then I am. We need to face the truth and work together in their best interest.
I was angry last night because if she had just continued to pretend until we told them as we discussed in our time, we would have been better prepared, but she couldn’t wear a wedding ring. I think that’s selfish, I think she put herself ahead of the kids.
. I fluctuate between acceptance and fear of the unknown and general anxiety. It comes in waves.
CW - I didn’t share that I met with a friend, my daughter over heard a conversation and asked how my breakfast was with the friend at dinner. I had no where to go on it, my wife asked about it again later.
LH - Also, for better or worse, I just don’t care anymore. She’s moving out, that’s done. She bought a house. We’re getting divorced. I see no way around that. Mental illness runs through her family in a large way. She needs to get counseling to deal with her issues. Being separated will provide her time to do some work. If we get back together in a couple of years, so be it.
I’m sorry Scotty but you have no idea if your kids will be fine or not because you can’t predict the future. Also, I would argue they will be better of if their mother is happy. Now I’m not saying that D is going to maker her happy I’m just saying that’s how she feels right now.
The more you remind her what she’s doing to the kids the more she’s going to resent you. Trust me when I tell you her mind is made up and she’s not changing it anytime soon.
As far as wearing the rings I agree it’s selfish. I want to be crystal clear that you better get use to the fact that there is no bigger selfish human being then a WW spouse. Check out Diann Winggerts podcasts on the female midlife transition.
It’s very normal for you to have fear and anxiety about the future. I can promise you that it is no way close to being as bad as you envision.
As for the friend. Who gives a fuch what she thinks about you talking to him.
