Yes - it's obvious that he really doesn't want that much time or responsibility for S2, he just cared about "winning". In Aikido I understand that the goal is to use your attacker's momentum to throw them. In this case, you are kind of doing the same thing.
I would also love Tuesdays to be extended to 7.30-8pm with pick up from my house.
Thanks
So he’s onboard with the schedule I originally suggested. Works for me.
The caveat that I pick up S2 is a little on the nose. I’m happy to do it because it means he can’t withhold him overnight. But I recall him saying in an email last year, bolded and underlined, that I would never be welcome at his house. I suppose that doesn’t apply when it’s convenient for me to do the pickup.
I just informed S2 about the new arrangement. “You’re going to have a special sleepover at dad’s house on Saturday. It will be so much fun to sleep in your Thomas the Tank Engine bed, wont it?”
He replied “No, thanks. I want to stay at Nanny and Gigi’s [my parents’] house.”
However, I’m sure it will be fine and he will have fun. I’ll make sure he’s prepared and that X is informed about the bedtime routine etc. Hopefully OW will be there to help out as S2 has gotten attached to her.
You did an inspirational job of playing the long game and using the Aikido method (ala KML) to get what you wanted in the end.
Originally Posted by scout12
The caveat that I pick up S2 is a little on the nose. I’m happy to do it because it means he can’t withhold him overnight. But I recall him saying in an email last year, bolded and underlined, that I would never be welcome at his house. I suppose that doesn’t apply when it’s convenient for me to do the pickup.
It's back to the whole 'believe nothing that they say and only 50% of what they do'. I think that concept can be applied to any acrimonious relationship. We humans can be so impulsive when we say something in the heat of a bad moment.
But this is something to watch as you move forward in your coparenting relationship... X says things he doesn't really mean. (hmmm... reminds me of an earlier convo when he accused you of helicopter parenting among other things). So you can pretty much dismiss most anything he says.
Thanks, Sage! You're right and I needed the reminder. Above all else, X has always been a liar. It was something that made me very uncomfortable over the years. I'm trusting by nature, so staying on guard will take a bit of effort! I just need to come here for my 2x4s and UBT (Universal Bullsh!t Translator, for the non-Chump Lady fans).
There has been more movement on the parenting plan. He has agreed with the schedule I suggested up until S2 starts school at age 5. HOORAY. That gives me a LOT of peace. The only outstanding item now is Christmas Day. It remains to be seen if he will let the entire agreement fall apart based on this one day.
I'm pushing to get written agreement prior to implementing the new schedule this Saturday. No signature, no changes. It's become quite easy for me to address X without emotion and share the same information that I would with any caregiver. He is free to take or leave that information. Here's hoping for a signed agreement today or tomorrow.
I'm so grateful to everyone on here for the support, advice, and encouragement throughout this process. It's silly how proud I feel for sticking to my boundaries politely and firmly and not allowing him to bully or goad me into anything. The light at the end of the tunnel is near. I'm ready, S2 is ready. The next stage of our life is about to start.
We're still stuck on Christmas Day. The current arrangement is for me to have Christmas Eve/morning and X to have Christmas afternoon/Boxing Day. I want this every year, he wants alternating years. I'm just not willing to budge. I told him when he ran off 18 months ago that Christmas Day was the most important family day of the year to me. At the time, he was so positively giddy about leaving that he agreed to whatever I wanted.
In the midst of a tense email discussion on the topic, he sent my stepdad a text without my knowledge asking him to make me be reasonable. That made me feel kinda steamed; I felt like my boundaries were violated. My stepdad has acted as a mediator before during an in-person negotiation, but that was all done out in the open, not surreptitiously. My stepdad was more gracious than me about the assumed motivation behind the text.
The email discussion started to devolve into threats and accusations on his end, so I had to step away for a bit because I started to get the panicked feeling of wanting to climb out of my own skin and run away to avoid dealing with this crap. I went to my friend's house and vented over a cuppa. Then I pulled myself together and wrote back a polite, empathetic, and solution-focused email that he really didn't deserve.
He offered for me to spend Christmas morning with them opening presents! WTF. I would rather spend every Christmas alone than make a mockery of what would have otherwise been a happy and joyous family event. Does he think I'm going to sit there with him and OW watching our son open presents like some sort of blended family composed of old friends whose relationship simply ran its course? W. T. F.
Soooo that's where things stand. X is now stonewalling again. There's no new parenting plan without agreement on Christmas Day. I'm not trying to punish X with this arrangement. If I thought S2 was missing out by not waking up with his dad on Christmas, I would sacrifice my own desires to give him that opportunity. If it came to down to a point where I was forced to do that, I would live with it. But as long as I have a choice, I'm doing this one thing for myself.
Take the DEAL!!!! Splitting every other Xmas day is totally reasonable AND the odds are still pretty good that he won't take it when the time comes anyway.
Yes it is rotten that divorce leads to these awkward Xmas arrangements. My kids were 17-21 when our divorce happened and we alternated holidays. It's tough but not the end of the world. We alternated - one year I would have them Xmas eve, then they would go down to spend the night at their dad's and spend Xmas morning with him. The next year the reverse. I still had my mom and some other family to spend Xmas day with on the years I didn't have them.
One year my kids left after our Xmas eve together and my mom had gone to visit my sister in another state for Xmas. That could have been tough - BUT - I actually had the sexiest Xmas eve date/sleepover with a guy who I still think of fondly every Xmas, and the next night went to a super cool LA grownups party that a friend of my best friend used to throw every year - all these very cool LA people in arts and music would be there. Was it the same as having my adult kids on Xmas morning? no. Was it still fun? heck yes.
You just move your intense Xmas unwrapping/fun to another time slot, that's all. And if I'm right, your ex will end up not taking nearly as much time on Xmas as he has the rights to anyway.
(btw we also alternated Thanksgiving - at first it was dinner at one house and dessert at the other, which quickly became alternating years Thanksgiving, which then became my ex going out of town every Thanksgiving and the kids always coming to my house where the food was better anyway!)
My agreement went in stages; maybe you can try that. Say that you want it this way until S is 6 years old, and then you will alternate. So far my wasband has never taken all the time he could and has missed many holidays we were to split. It's possible that his desire will fade and he'll forget by the time S is 6; if not, you'll be less raw then and can figure out a fun way to make it through that night -- maybe by finding a family in need and helping those kids on X-Mas morning!
Splitting the kids is horrible. It's why we were standing. Your feelings are right. But it's best to make a deal as a judge could give you less. If things go badly you can always fight for a custody change a year from now, when you have lots of records.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
