She does feel trapped. She has wanted to leave for a long time but she can’t do it. She’s not that strong. 21 years ago when we were very young I started dating her when she had a boyfriend. She could not break up with him. He would threaten suicide, go on hunger strikes; he caught us in bed together and still wouldn’t leave and she wouldn’t end it. It finally ended because him and I had a talk.
She is not very strong. She can’t do it. She can blame me and throw all kinds of shade at me. She can cut me off from every benefit of marriage, but at the end of the day she can’t leave without me helping her in some way. I had to call the mediator, I’ll have to pull the deal together; it’s just the way it’s been. She likes to blame me for every decision and she can because she doesn’t make any.
She blames me that she has no voice; but if you look up her personality profile, for an enneagram 9 it is a common trait that they struggle with their voice. They struggle to know what they want, and they do t make decisions or follow through. They say their spirit animal is the Sloth.
In regards to my “coach”, I’ve been doing phone consultations as advertised in this site for two years. I work with Chuck and he’s been phenomenal. He’s helped me grow tremendously, he’s helped me respect myself more, and he’s often kept me from doing something stupid by offering insight from his perspective. He’s several thousand people through this and so before taking a significant action, I’ll schedule a consult and run it by him.
Correct, if you don't want the D then just pull back. Let her do all the work. Don't do anything to interfere, but don't do anything to move it along either. IE, if she needs certain paperwork from you to forward the D then provide whatever she requests. If she ever asks why you aren't helping then just state that you don't want a divorce but you know you cannot prevent her from pursuing one herself. So you will cooperate, but she needs to do the work since it's what SHE wants.
You say she's weak and can't do it herself. Count yourself lucky, you have the gift of time that some people here do not get. Some WAS's rush the D through with hardly a second thought. If your W doesn't push it through, and you pull back, then you have loads of time to work on your 180's, and time for her to see your changes and believe them.
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I assume I just leave the mediation thing alone now. She’ll probably send us dates soon. I could call and tell her not to, but I assume the take from here is just leave it be.
Yes just let it go. If your W asks what the status is then tell her you're leaving it in her court and to let you know if she needs anything.
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Next sitch: I have some friends going to breckenridge to go skiing in January. Normally, I would never go because she would have to watch the kids a couple days and i don’t want to put her out. Do I ask to go? Do I tell her I’m going? Do I ignore it and just tell the guys I can’t make it?
OK so this is where some LBS's get tripped up with the whole "detachment" thing. Detaching doesn't mean just dumping your kid care responsibilities on her whenever you want and just disappearing. That will just cause a lot of anger and resentment. Plus you've already stated the below:
"Things were actually improving with her saying “I love you” and giving hugs and kisses until about a month ago when she got upset I went out with my friends and started the divorce rhetoric again."
So to just go without her consent would look like "more of the same" behavior to her. It sounds like a good GAL activity, but you do need to get her buy-in if you're expecting her to take care of the kids. Tell her about it, tell her you would like to go, ask her if she is OK watching the kids while you are gone.
Sort of. Still not sure what you’re running by your coach. Not really sure what a divorce coach is.
I got a little tripped up on this as well but I think I figured out that he's talking about two different coaches. There's the divorce coach that his W has been consulting, and separately he has been talking to a DB coach.
AnotherStander's advice has usually been spot on for me. I see we both agree it's not right to dump the kids on her, but differ on how to approach the matter with her. I defer to his advice on this.
Well, her parents just bought her a house, she closes in it in 11/16. She did it all without telling me. She said she doesn’t want to rush the process. She’s not sure when she wants to tell the kids and she’s not sure when she will actually move in.
I would say that’s a pretty big development. I had mentioned that on Monday I called the mediator. I could fight it but there is no point. I think I do the best to negotiate for what I want.
After I found out I did talk with her about her pregnancy ten years ago that caused the hysterectomy. She shared that she never got over it. That every day she feels the pain of not being able to have more kids and that it consumed her. She said that when i would ask for sex on top of that, she felt more and more like she wasn’t a person any longer. That she had been used up and was being used.
During that time I had my head down and was working very hard. I expected the house to be her responsiblity and I offered no support. I tried to change that a little at a time and this year I do feel like I finally began to understand the emotional component. But like I said, she doesn’t trust it and she’s done. She needs time and space. Moving out will be good. Who knows what the future holds.
Let go. Stop trying to control what you cannot (and the past is part of that). Become the best ScottB you can be for your next R, with her or someone else.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
