Well folks another update it seems. The wife called me up today after I had ripped her a new one accusing her of leaving me and moving in with another dude that she is with (yesterday) etc.. she asked about the kids and I felt a little bad for going off via text. I mean she did lie a lot but yeah still that’s not me really she was pretty surprised by it. I told her “sorry it was harsh, but you told me a lot of lies so yeah” she said “I understand I wish you would have just talked to me about it. I was gone so long over there setting up the kids room well our son’s and daughter would be with me. She said the kids I can take over any time and honestly you could come it will all be out there eventually. I just didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to freak out on me. I offered to roommate with you and the kids because I’m not sure about things 100% and I didn’t want to bring the kids here where I have a male room mate and confuse them.” She said “just ask me what’s going on don’t text me some crazy stuff and explode, I’m not with anyone, what kind of serious boyfriend would let you spend 4 days with your ex and 3 days with him? Living in his place?” I do see there is kinda a point there. If she was serious about the dude she could have just moved there with the kids and told me FU that is her usual style. “I told her well you were not honest with me and I’ve got upset what twice in the last two months? Both this week because of the lying and disappearing, she said “I understand” “just talk to me next time” I told her “I would have but you get pissed when I ask questions, and I’ve been trying to leave you alone. I don’t talk to you much anymore not becuse I’m mad but because I’m trying to give you the space and the divorce you wanted.”
It’s pretty clear from these back and forth engagements that she isn’t being totally truthful but most WAW’s aren’t. I think she does plan on cake eating as much as she can. I do think she is telling the truth about the room mate she’s not the type to like to be controlled but I know if I keep staying weak and worrying about her and talking to her I will never get anywhere. I’m kind of losing hope that I make too many mistakes to have this saveable but at the same time she knows how much she sacrificed for this, admitted it was selfish and even said “sorry I have to know I have to do this” so maybe the two times I messed up big will go away with time. I know I can’t afford to backslide and I know time is on my side. If I do not backslide and stay strong but fair I think there is a good shot of recon some day. But like LH said I don’t think that will be soon. Probably several months of not a year or more. I hope i get this loan so I can move out and GAL. I am still considering if I should let her stay with me as room mates. It’s a lot easier to showcase your hard earned changes when they are around. It would be hard but maybe my best shot to show I’m happy and detached when I get there hopefully soon. I keep kicking myself in the butt for mistakes but I haven’t made that many considering the situation and honestly I know I have a long road to go. I have to find a way to detach. Right now I can’t even fold her clothes that were left with mine without being torn up. I for sure have been in denial. Knowing what I need to do and doing it are really hard when you are attached to someone with kids for 11 years.
Last edited by Steve_; 10/21/2002:44 AM.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I have to absolutely stay with this. If I make any more mistakes it just sets me back. I’m gonna do my best to detach detach detach and just be as silent as possible. Let her come to me, when she contacts just get back later and keep it simple short and business. I know I’ve said it but I had some unfinished business with her splitting and not even telling me anything. At least she told me now, even if it was all lies that’s her issue and it’s water under the bridge now.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Ok so she told you all these lies. What changes? I do not think it would be a good idea for you to move in with her. What are your ages? Kids ages? How long married?
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD 9/3 She filed 9/24 She moved out (kinda) 10-15
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I don’t know man, she came home last night told me she needed to shower, so some things I just said ok. She said “I’ll let you get some sleep I gotta sleep too” I said “okay” that was it. She used to talk to me more, come and sit with me, ask how I’m doing etc. I think me being more silent now and being mad she lied the other day has changed some things. Part of me just wants to tell her how much I don’t want to D, how much I miss her and have constant regrets for what I did. It takes everything I got to not do that. If I do she will just say something like “Just give me some time” she convinced herself to do this, file D, lie lie lie and move out. I don’t think anything I can say now will change that. It’s just hard not to tell her how much this all destroyed me. Our marriage slipped away for simple things. It’s just crazy. At least I’m at work today. The more time away from her I spend the more things become real. The depression is high. I know things will eventually be okay but right now it doesn’t seem like it. I guess the best thing I can do is just say nothing anymore. That’s what all the advice says out there.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
I don’t know man, she came home last night told me she needed to shower, so some things I just said ok. She said “I’ll let you get some sleep I gotta sleep too” I said “okay” that was it. She used to talk to me more, come and sit with me, ask how I’m doing etc. I think me being more silent now and being mad she lied the other day has changed some things. Part of me just wants to tell her how much I don’t want to D, how much I miss her and have constant regrets for what I did. It takes everything I got to not do that. If I do she will just say something like “Just give me some time” she convinced herself to do this, file D, lie lie lie and move out. I don’t think anything I can say now will change that. It’s just hard not to tell her how much this all destroyed me. Our marriage slipped away for simple things. It’s just crazy. At least I’m at work today. The more time away from her I spend the more things become real. The depression is high. I know things will eventually be okay but right now it doesn’t seem like it. I guess the best thing I can do is just say nothing anymore. That’s what all the advice says out there.
You will never be successful until you get your NGS under control. Are you in IC?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I guess the best thing I can do is just say nothing anymore. That’s what all the advice says out there.
Maybe, as long as you're at the phase where when you do try to interact with her, you give speeches, argue, guilt her, or make accusations. You're beginning to realize it's much easier to hurt your situation with words than it is to help it. As soon as you can--it may take time--work up to polite business-like communication, and try out validation (acknowledging her FEELINGs not her beliefs).
I am not in IC at the moment, I do have the luck to work with several licensed MFC's at work and I talk to them. Its really hard to take thier advice. I actually have done super good about validating and not guilting her at all this whole time. I dont tell her how destroyed I am. She told me she always came back to me out of guilt, seeing me messed up. I know if i guilted her a lot told her all how messed up I am she maybe..mayybe would change her mind but It would be short lived, a year maybe less. (she said this herself even). She feels like she really needs to see what else is out there because our M was boring, etc.. I validated for 2 months, did everything I could to make things easy on her, it brought us closer together until she moved out and has been gone. When I did go off on her for lying and dissapearing she said it hurt her and that wasnt like me so I apologized. She has communicated with me since then about the kids and sent a funny meme, i waited awhile and responded "good one" she asks me "hows it going" I said good, I took the kids to the park and got them ice cream, did some laundry. I dont talk about feelings, part of me wants her to know how messed up this is but I have really tried hard not to guilt her. I know it wouldnt be a real fix. I know she has to do this because she said she has to. And the only way for her to miss me and go through the next phase is to detach and act as if, its just hard when her big complaint was that I took her for granted. I try to be there but not "there" and dont go into feelings I hope thats the best route.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
