I’m willing to bet the farm that you knew it was still shared and you hoped he saw that list you made about him.
I know this because it’s something I would have done in the beginning.
And if you have time to date, you have time to drop off tables Please do yourself a favor and detach everything that’s shred. Do not take peeks into each others lives. You will save yourself so much energy, hurt, and disappointment .
He clearly has horrible anger and resentment of me to work through. Moving on...
I don't think he cares as much as you think he does. I think he's moved on with his life with OW and bought a house with her. I think sometimes you can get stuck in denial, Kit. Your H is deleting his connections to you not because he's mad at you but because he's moved on.
Let him go, process the divorce, and maybe one day in the future he will look back after he hasn't heard a peep from you for a few years.
I’m willing to bet the farm that you knew it was still shared and you hoped he saw that list you made about him.
^^^ We used to call these "truth darts", I haven't seen anyone here use that term in a while but that's exactly what it is. It's the truth, and it stings when you get hit with it. I had this exact same thought when I read your post, and I think Steve alluded to it as well in his response.
KC, I'm sure this was just another way you were trying to hang onto H. You don't do anything really bold to hang onto him, but you do a thousand little things like this. And I'm sure you've heard the term "death by a thousand paper cuts", no one is killed by a paper cut, but a thousand of them can really put a world of hurt on someone. Same thing with all these little furtive efforts you make to hang onto H, in aggregate that are completely destroying your chances of a future with him.
I don't believe him when he says he accidentally deleted the notes, I'm sure it was completely intentional, and I agree with you that it was very passive/ aggressive of him. It's a continuation of the toxic, dysfunctional relationship between the two of you. You have the power to stop this, and you have the knowledge. Now it's time to implement what you've learned. Quit depending on your intuition, it is wrong! Go all in on DB'ing. Detach.
If you want to push the D through then push it through. If you don't then inform H you are not proceeding and that if he wants to then you are leaving it all up to him to sort out. Then STOP ALL CONTACT. No shared notes, no free (or paid) vet service for the dog, no temperature check texts or emails or phone calls.
Really all of this has been said to you multiple times already. I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that if we keep saying it then at some point it will sink in.
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.
It's surprising that you were successful in not sending that apology, and then reached out about this. I seem to recall you were attempting to establish a no-contact or critical-business-only policy to help yourself heal and let him miss you. Did this fulfill a need to have some communication with him?
Really all of this has been said to you multiple times already. I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that if we keep saying it then at some point it will sink in.
I think that despite all of KC's opposition to advice, refusing to follow it, and the frustration we feel at watching her get hurt all over again, we keep coming back because we can see that KC is a really good person and we feel for her. I agree with you AS, nothing that is said to her in her threads are new, she's heard it all before. I can't tell you the number of responses I've typed out, some of them quite lengthy, only to delete it and say "forget it, she'll either get it or she won't". I think all of us have tried to find the right angle to get her to release her grip on the things she is unmovable on. But I will also say that I think we've seen some of the frustrations that her STBXH felt when he started to give up on the MR.
Imagine if she had gone and gotten IC way back in Feb. when she was first told that IC was part of good DBing. Maybe he would have seen that, realizing how opposed to it she was leading up to it, and deep down thought "Wow, she must really be trying this time." Maybe it wouldn't have changed his actions, but I bet he would have at least denoted it.
KC, I know you want to save your marriage at all costs, and we've all tried to guide you in the actions to best do that. Not because you pay us, not because we derive some benefit from it, but simply because we've all been there and can relate to what you are going through. We hate it for you. I sincerely wish I could give you a big red button that you could push that would make all of it fixed instantly. Unfortunately, none of us have that. What we do have is a collective of decades of experience and accumulated knowledge and wisdom, much of which many of us have poured out of our hearts to you. I am asking you one last time, reread DB. Concentrate on GAL, 180s (IE the biggest one you can make is to change course on IC), and work on detachment starting with going completely no contact with him, following the rules of engagement we have outline for you multiple times. And forget about saving your marriage.........instead focus on saving yourself!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Instead of all this PA bullshit of shared calendars and notepads I think I would rather see you do the one letter where you say everything you want to say and send it to him and get it over with so you can move on. I would just run it by the board because you like other people who have narcissistic traits have a way of trying to place blame elsewhere. Own your faults and move forward.
Instead of all this PA bullshit of shared calendars and notepads I think I would rather see you do the one letter where you say everything you want to say and send it to him and get it over with so you can move on. I would just run it by the board because you like other people who have narcissistic traits have a way of trying to place blame elsewhere. Own your faults and move forward.
You don't think I've owned my faults?
I got the impression that I was being chastised because I taking on too much blame in the relationship.
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.
It's surprising that you were successful in not sending that apology, and then reached out about this. I seem to recall you were attempting to establish a no-contact or critical-business-only policy to help yourself heal and let him miss you. Did this fulfill a need to have some communication with him?
Well I was sitting on the apology because I was trying to see where it was coming from and ultimately was it more about me or him? Was he in a place to even receive my apology?
Not being able to answer those questions - I let it sit.
Deleting my notes was an invasion of my privacy. Since asking him about it he truly didn't mean too - he was trying to set up the app where it no longer synced to me. He just didn't do it correctly.
Frankly, I have no idea why he didn't delete the app and just get a different one... they are a dime a dozen. I had assumed he did delete the app because he hadn't used it since April. I thought it was safe for me to start using again as it had been months.
Instead of all this PA bullshit of shared calendars and notepads I think I would rather see you do the one letter where you say everything you want to say and send it to him and get it over with so you can move on. I would just run it by the board because you like other people who have narcissistic traits have a way of trying to place blame elsewhere. Own your faults and move forward.
You don't think I've owned my faults?
I got the impression that I was being chastised because I taking on too much blame in the relationship.
Opinions vary, but I agree with what you are saying here. I wouldn't do another apology. I think LH's point is that if it will help you move on, then do it. I do not think it would help you move on so I say don't do it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Why didn’t you delete the app and get a new one? Instead of “assuming” it was safe, why not just delete and get a new one. Takes a minute.
Why did you contact him about deleting your stuff? You knew he did it. There is nothing more to say. At that point you delete the app and get your own and restart your list. Not need to contact him to confirm what you already knew.
You are in denial. Denial of all you actions which are just meant to keep some sort of contact, your passive agressive moves, you excuses all over the place.
