Well if you're truly honest like you say you are, how about "I didn't drop the papers off because I don't want to get divorced"?
There's no trick or verbiage that is going to make him not want to get divorced. You can't make things worse with him because he's already gone.
Quite true... but I was hoping for a wording that wouldn't stir more negative feelings --- trying to keep it neutral.
Today is also the bday of his estranged daughter. He hasn't seen her in a year and its been 11mo since he talked to her. He owns 50% of that. My DS19 has some issues. I also have not seen her in 12months. I text her on the holidays and sometimes in between. I mailed her bday gift. Only recently has she started talking and seeing her grandmother and her grandmother figured out if she takes her out to eat she will likely respond/go out. Briefly her mother has manipulated her and held her unaccountable for years. She went to high school for 3yr and had a GPA of 0. Her mother didn't bother to enroll her the last year and frankly the school didn't want her. Now 2yr later she has not done much of anything to work toward her GED. She has no job - sits at home all day/sleeps. I'm not sure if she ever got her driver's license or not.
I expect him to be crabby but I'd like to find a way to be matter of fact and just nip it in the bud - where he will be like "oh, okay, thanks for letting me know" <<< Pipe dream I'm sure.
Quite true... but I was hoping for a wording that wouldn't stir more negative feelings --- trying to keep it neutral.
Here you go:
Originally Posted by KitCat
Me: I'm dropping off everything tomorrow. I realize this should have already been done.
Quit trying to make this stuff more complicated! Keep it simple and you won't go wrong. If he writes back asking why you haven't done it yet, don't reply. You don't owe him an explanation. He's only your H on paper, he ceased to function as one quite some time ago. You can't nice him back, remember that.
Well said, AnotherStander. KitKat, the messaging can really be that simple, even if behind the messages you're feeling "WHY?!?! This [censored]. I wish they'd look back, and make a better decision."
Originally Posted by KitCat
I expect him to be crabby but I'd like to find a way to be matter of fact and just nip it in the bud - where he will be like "oh, okay, thanks for letting me know" <<< Pipe dream I'm sure
Try to catch yourself when you do these deep thinkies about your ex. Far more important than being sensitive to it being the birthday of your ex's estranged daughter when you say, "I'll drop off the paperwork tomorrow", is to spend less time thinking and worrying about his feelings. He's an ex. He's moved on.
Frankly this stuff should have been dropped off 2 weeks ago ---- on top of dragging this out 7months now. Its just NOT my priority. At the end of the day I've had a medical issue. Dealt with court/college costs for S19 which came to a head this week and at least until spring semester has been resolved.
I know I can't "nice" him back. I just no longer want to be the b*tch - I just don't want to be seen that way.
Ultimately I just have a lot of guilt for not having dropped this off 2 weeks ago
Well - thanks again. I did only write "I am dropping off everthing tomorrow" as I went to bed to not wait on his response.
I woke up to just H: "ok"
If he was angry or annoyed I was relieve he didn't take it out on me.
BUT, then I opened my note app. NOW, when we were married this app is what we would use to share grocery lists, he would keep his ammo notes on it, I would write down to do's at the house, we kept lock codes there and H would leave his work password stuff there for me when I had to access something, etc.
I figured he deleted it all back in April. That's the last time he modified his motorcycle list.
I never thought anymore about it.
I continued to use the app. I had a new To Do list for home stuff. I had 2 other notes actively in use that were notes I was taking down from 2 books I was reading... I had labeled one Skills, the other Love and Respect.
Well today I woke up and all but 2 of my notes were deleted along with his motorcycle list.
WTH
I didn't really panic because they would just be in the "trash can"... they were.
But not only did he delete my notes from my book. He actually opened up the note and erased EVERYTHING. Its a blank note now and that is NOT recoverable.
I can only assume he has read all the notes.
One was a list of things I do respect about my husband - it was an exercise from one of the books I was reading.
Soooo.... while his text did not convey he was unhappy that I have not taken the crap to the atty... his very passive aggressive actions sure as heck did.
***This has totally thrown me for a loop but as I write this all out I'm already to a place of "I don't give a crap". If that made him feel better - then fine. He clearly has horrible anger and resentment of me to work through. I know it had to completely S*CK that his D19 has had nothing to do with him for a year... he talks so fondly of how he was the first to change her diaper... how she colored his nails with a marker... he loves her... but they have a lot of sh*t to work through. Knowing it was her bday yesterday had to gut him. I'm kind enough to give him a pass.
Well we no longer deliberately share the app... I just don't think he understood how the app was still syncing.
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.
He wasn't deliberately trying to erase my notes. He was trying to unsync the app. I cannot unsync from my phone. He has to do it from his.
It was a big mistake and not passive aggressive dig at me.
Well we no longer deliberately share the app... I just don't think he understood how the app was still syncing.
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.
He wasn't deliberately trying to erase my notes. He was trying to unsync the app. I cannot unsync from my phone. He has to do it from his.
It was a big mistake and not passive aggressive dig at me.
Glad that is all cleared up.
So you ignore the action. Believe the words. Because it makes you feel better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well we no longer deliberately share the app... I just don't think he understood how the app was still syncing.
However, I did contact him about it. H stated he was cleaning up the note app but didn't think it would affect mine as said its set to no longer sync to mine.
He wasn't deliberately trying to erase my notes. He was trying to unsync the app. I cannot unsync from my phone. He has to do it from his.
It was a big mistake and not passive aggressive dig at me.
Glad that is all cleared up.
So you ignore the action. Believe the words. Because it makes you feel better.
His actions show he was trying to separate out the note app and keep it from syncing with each other.... I believe that he didn't exactly do it correctly at first... it may still not be done correctly, IDK
Actions = still working toward separating EVERYTHING
