As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.
Hi KitCat,
When I read this, it reminds me of survivors of domestic violence. They MADE him hit them. You MADE him flood at you. I realize you declined therapy, but have you found a life coach, and talked to them about your feelings that you, rather than your husband, controlled your husband's actions?
You ignored his boundary. That was a goof and you own that. Of all possible reactions--locking himself in a room, yelling at you, or punching a wall--he chose to yell at you. Right or wrong, that wasn't your choice. If he has a mental defect where when he gets angry he loses control, you may have a case that it also was not his choice. But, then, it was his choice to NOT seek professional help to address his mental health. My ex-GF sees a therapist bi-weekly and takes medication. There are support groups and courses, too.
Anyway, <3. I'd love to see you let go of burdens that are not yours to bear.
KC, going to be blunt. You do not get DBing and I'm worried you never will. You still hang on to words he said as he was leaving and/or emotional. People are rarely honest under those conditions. They use excuses and they say things for specific purposes. So assuming he felt that way because he says it..... Is not DBing and is flat out wrong.
I'll say it one last time. YOU are the one suffering PTSD. You will not be able to move on healthy and happy without IC. And you certainly are in no position to even be casually dating given the desire to not only type that text up, but to even consider sending it!?!
At this point you should be ready to move on from this guy after all he has done and put you through. The fact that you are not is on you..... Not him.
You're right... What I got told at BD was standard. I had to listen between what he said to hear the real reason. Did he flat out say he was leaving because I was disrespectful no... that came out much later and very indirect but said.
How many times have I read hear to write out what you want to say... what you are feeling... tear it up/burn it/put it away for a later time. Isn't that what I did in the guise of a text message. Which I ultimately did not send... by my choice. I just went through my thought process.
AND - I'm supposed to be GALing right? If I meeting up with a like minded person to just get out in friendly terms why I am getting bashed? I know I am in no place for a relationship so I'm not seeking one. But, I can't go out and meet someone? I literally have no issues going out and doing solo things but frankly it gets old and doesn't help me grow emotionally sitting at events by myself.
And there is not a word in DB that states I have to give up on my M because my H is currently checked out. That's how he feels right now and feelings obviously change. There is a whole section on what to do if you WS is in an affair. Its your opinion. I respect that. But, just because I'm not following your opinion doesn't mean I'm not DB. So what I wanted to send my H a text. I didn't. I'm not initiating contact with him at the moment... and I stuck to that. That is DB... just because I had a moment on Sunday and really wanted to reach out does not make me a DB failure... that fact that I didn't means that I'm moving in the right direction.
The spotlight shouldn't be placed on the fact that I wrote out a text and wanted to say something that may have been worded in such a way that I was making assumptions on how my H was feeling but the spotlight should be on the fact that I didn't send it.
I do appreciate how my text was reworded and presented in a different manor - I like that very much. It was incredibly helpful and insightful. I will take those words into account moving forward.
As for the "flooding' that was 100% my fault. He asked me repeatedly to drop it. To leave it be. He was tired/exhausted and getting ready for work. I was angry and hurt (not to mention a strong willed woman) and I didn't drop it... I PUSHED. He was pleading with me to stop and I didn't give an inch. He had so much rage that he was trying to contain and it scared the crap out of him. Yes, it takes two to tango but I did not respect his boundary.
Hi KitCat,
When I read this, it reminds me of survivors of domestic violence. They MADE him hit them. You MADE him flood at you. I realize you declined therapy, but have you found a life coach, and talked to them about your feelings that you, rather than your husband, controlled your husband's actions?
You ignored his boundary. That was a goof and you own that. Of all possible reactions--locking himself in a room, yelling at you, or punching a wall--he chose to yell at you. Right or wrong, that wasn't your choice. If he has a mental defect where when he gets angry he loses control, you may have a case that it also was not his choice. But, then, it was his choice to NOT seek professional help to address his mental health. My ex-GF sees a therapist bi-weekly and takes medication. There are support groups and courses, too.
Anyway, <3. I'd love to see you let go of burdens that are not yours to bear.
CW - this is not something that happens all the time.
I was being a B*tch... completely.
I'm not excusing his behavior. Have there been times he was a total jerk??? Oh, heck yeah - those are on him.
This particular incident is 100% on me. I own it. I didn't realize how badly it broke him that night and weeks later was confessing to a friend (This man doesn't discuss feelings with another man so it had to be bad for him to say something.) I had forgotten the incident. It wasn't until months later I found out how badly it had upset my H.
I mean you can make simple statements "I MADE him flood"... but what happened is I created an environment that overwhelmed him emotionally by not backing down.
Your loved one is in a horrible accident. You break down emotionally --- by your statement "your loved one MADE you breakdown"... they did THAT too you. Rather the truth is you reacted to a terrible situation. My H flooding was reacting to a terrible situation. He did not harm me. He didn't get in my face and scream at me. He reached a point where he was afraid he would and it freaked him out.
The truth of it all is your H has been planning his exit strategy probably for years now. Earlier the BD1 a couple years ago. One incident didn’t cause him to want to leave. You both have toxic personalities that clashed with one another. If you want to send an apology then do it with no excuses and no expectations.
The truth of it all is your H has been planning his exit strategy probably for years now. Earlier the BD1 a couple years ago. One incident didn’t cause him to want to leave. You both have toxic personalities that clashed with one another. If you want to send an apology then do it with no excuses and no expectations.
I agree that this one incident is not why he left - it was multiple small things over time that led to his frustration. Some I already know about... some he hints too or brings up in our limited contact. "we can work out because your mom did x", "I knew I was done when you gave me the helmet ultamadem" <<< I failed to realize how that came across and I was perhaps mothering him and not treating him as a grown man who can make his own choices for what I felt was a good reason. Regardless... I get that he has tons of gripes.
I feel particularly bad about this issue -- I was a b*tch that day
Maybe he will eventually burn through his resentment and anger and he will go "yup, every time my kids were with held from me for months at a time she had my back... supported me without batting an eye"... "during the times my mom treated me with venom and disregard she had my back then too". "she drove 2hr, picked up pizza and sat in a parking lot in lawn chairs to have 25min and dinner with me when I was working 12's 7 days a week". "I took for granted how she made sure I always had dinner and lunches prepared without having to do the work or clean up". "she did come around and really made sure I was able to focus on my hobbies". "I always had what I needed and more"
Maybe that day never comes. IDK.
But I had some serious feelings to burn through on Sunday. Put them out there. Was honest about my struggle in wanting to engage with him about it --- came to terms that he isn't at the same place I am with these issues and probably doesn't want to hear or be reminded right now. So I sit with it. Agreed to give myself a 30 day period to sit with it. Most likely in 30 days I won't be stuck on this particular thing - it may be something else.
Didn't you already say all that to him via text a few months ago when he opened up to you?
No... I discussed my issues with control and what / where they came. I recognized he felt disrespected but only recently have I understood the crappy cycle we were in. Seeing that now it's so easy to see how that night got so out of control... I get it more now. The cycle of feeling disrespected and behaving in an unloving way just creates more disrespect.
There are 3 things I've been carrying I'm my heart. I thought when H was at the house 3 weeks ago to donfinancials I might say something. I didn't say a word. Staying on track as best I can I am not to initiate R talks. He chatted quite a bit when he saw I was looking into a teardrop camper. He spent a whole extra hour that he didn't need to... anyway I digress.
The issue above is one. Another issue was more recent to BD and it's more of a thank you for something very loving that he did... I was so overwhelmed at the time. Up twice every night with new puppy. He did a very generous thing for me and I don't even know if he realizes I knew. In my head I thought I needed to call him once he got to work to say thank you... once he left I got busy with the puppy and never said a word him about it. Dumb I know... I may bring it up and he may not know what I'm talking about now.. silly... but it's in my head
The 3rd was an issue that happened early in our M. I'm ashamed of how I acted. No need for details.
Crap.
There were really tons of great times. Wonderful trips. Raising kids. Crap no wonder he wanted out. I never let down, stepped away... I can see I didn't always stay in my lane. I'm trying to look at it from H perspective. Right now all incandescent ser is the ugly. All I think he can see is the ugly.
KC, going to be blunt. You do not get DBing and I'm worried you never will. You still hang on to words he said as he was leaving and/or emotional. People are rarely honest under those conditions. They use excuses and they say things for specific purposes. So assuming he felt that way because he says it..... Is not DBing and is flat out wrong.
I'll say it one last time. YOU are the one suffering PTSD. You will not be able to move on healthy and happy without IC. And you certainly are in no position to even be casually dating given the desire to not only type that text up, but to even consider sending it!?!
At this point you should be ready to move on from this guy after all he has done and put you through. The fact that you are not is on you..... Not him.
You're right... What I got told at BD was standard. I had to listen between what he said to hear the real reason. Did he flat out say he was leaving because I was disrespectful no... that came out much later and very indirect but said.
How many times have I read hear to write out what you want to say... what you are feeling... tear it up/burn it/put it away for a later time. Isn't that what I did in the guise of a text message. Which I ultimately did not send... by my choice. I just went through my thought process.
AND - I'm supposed to be GALing right? If I meeting up with a like minded person to just get out in friendly terms why I am getting bashed? I know I am in no place for a relationship so I'm not seeking one. But, I can't go out and meet someone? I literally have no issues going out and doing solo things but frankly it gets old and doesn't help me grow emotionally sitting at events by myself.
And there is not a word in DB that states I have to give up on my M because my H is currently checked out. That's how he feels right now and feelings obviously change. There is a whole section on what to do if you WS is in an affair. Its your opinion. I respect that. But, just because I'm not following your opinion doesn't mean I'm not DB. So what I wanted to send my H a text. I didn't. I'm not initiating contact with him at the moment... and I stuck to that. That is DB... just because I had a moment on Sunday and really wanted to reach out does not make me a DB failure... that fact that I didn't means that I'm moving in the right direction.
The spotlight shouldn't be placed on the fact that I wrote out a text and wanted to say something that may have been worded in such a way that I was making assumptions on how my H was feeling but the spotlight should be on the fact that I didn't send it.
I do appreciate how my text was reworded and presented in a different manor - I like that very much. It was incredibly helpful and insightful. I will take those words into account moving forward.
Funny how after you get challenged, you suddenly are so sure you have everything figured out. This has been a cycle you've been in for months:
- Post here what you are going to do, want to do, feel like doing - Get told why it is the wrong thing to do - Get defensive, justify, right-fight, and defend it - Then after being told the same thing in different ways by different posters, finally admit to what you are being told is correct and the right way you should go - Rinse, repeat
I give you 100% kudos for not sending it. After 10 months of DBing you've finally made it that far. However, you then go on to say how you KNOW how he felt because he said it (not DB), that you struggled and almost sent it several times (not DB), and that now you are going to go on a date, literally days after almost reaching out to your STBXH, and defend why that is still a good idea (not DB).
But, after 10 months you still struggle with newbie thoughts, feelings, and impulses. Yet respond, again when challenged, as if you have this all figured out. And then quote a suggestion (writing out a letter and then NOT sending it) that we give to people in the initial stages of their situations. And then completely ignore the fact that you need a professional to get you over these humps that you are stuck at the bottom of.
KC, I hope you come to terms that your MR is over, that the likelihood of him ever coming back is NIL, and that at some point you close the door, and decide not to allow him to come back yourself. Yes, DBing isn't about giving up, but DBing is also about getting real. The man is not only gone and checked out, but in a serious R with another woman. The healthy thing to do at this point is to shake the dust of your heels and move on without him. And as far as the GAL rules, the #1 is to NOT date/flirt/become involved with members of the opposite sex.
KC, I wish you well moving forward. I truly and sincerely hope you find peace and the fortitude to move on to the great life you deserve! You seem like a wonderful person, that does truly enjoy life. My prayer for you is that you find a way to recapture that enjoyment of life again, no matter what your lying, cheating STBXH decides. This is an imperfect life, if it wasn't for lying and cheating, he could have met a physical demise through disease, accident, or malfeasance. I truly hope you find the coping skills and help needed to move past all of this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think the reason why so many people advise against dating is because you are still broken from your last relationship. It's a slippery slope because although your intentions are not to get involved with someone, it's very easy to get those dopamine hits from a new person in your life, which eases the pain of your split with H. And once that happens, you will start to feel like you are falling in love with the new person.
Check out Wolfman's thread. He didn't follow the boards advice and is paying for it dearly now.
In order to moved past the pain and heartbreak, you have to allow yourself to feel and process your pain. And you won't be able to process it if you are dating someone new, it doesn't work that way.
At the time I was so frustrated you would treat me like that. Its take a lot of self work to see that you were just reacting because you felt I didn't respect you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I mean you can make simple statements "I MADE him flood"... but what happened is I created an environment that overwhelmed him emotionally by not backing down. He did not harm me. He didn't get in my face and scream at me. He reached a point where he was afraid he would and it freaked him out.
Hi KitCat,
I get you now. Reading your original post, I thought his "flooding" involved some sort of reaction towards you--yelling, harsh words, etc.--that made you feel treated badly.
Reading Frankl's quote, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response..", I don't take it to mean we won't feel sad, hurt, or angry when something bad happens like a car accident. I take it to mean we control our actions afterwards, e.g. whether to yell, say harsh words, etc. Obviously, exceptions for mental defects like PTSD and being under the influence, but we do control whether we seek help such as therapy, medication, or support groups.
You get many 2x4s. I know I've also appreciated your support when I've done something good. You did well in not sending that text and sitting on it for 30 days. It's not easy to let go of someone who has been central to our lives for so long. I hope your date is "light" and fun. The main reservation I have since you've been honest with him, is that attention and romantic advances after a dry spell can be intoxicating. It was for me, lol. Wishing the best for you, like everyone here, KitCat.
