Need advice on stubborn W

[LH19]

A,

Don’t even respond. Definitely don’t respond with what you want to say.

How old are your kids?

I am really sorry. I know being in this position blows. You will survive this and life will be good again.

[AKuei]

Thanks for the quick response LH. I needed someone to slap my face and wake me up.

I'm trembling as I'm typing this because the urge to respond to her is overwhelming. I've been staring at my phone for the past 20 mins and thank god i didn't type in anything.

I have D6 and D4. I'm sure they will have a lot of questions why mommy isn't home tonight later.

To be honest, I've been trying to detach and it's tough AF. I have so many instances where I'm second-guessing myself; the fear is crippling because I have the constant thought that if i do detach, my W will leave. I understand that the advice i was given is that I have to live the best version of myself and there's no magic bullet, I'm just having a hard time getting rid of that fear. Even though it's close to a year and when i started to truly detach from my W a few weeks earlier, she started doubling down with hints of separation and now this staying overnight elsewhere on her bday.

I kept telling myself she's testing me or she's trying to break me and get me to lose my sheet so that she can justify her choice of leaving. And now I'm not sure if that hypothesis stands true. If yes, she is such a pro in scheming and manipulation.

[LH19]

Detachment is hard when you're in the thick of it. You mentioned the fear you are feeling. What are afraid of A? I can promise you that what you are afraid of isn't as bad as it feels right now?

You have to try to accept that fact that you are likely to separate and probably even divorce. Things have to get worse before they will get better.

As for her birthday, yeah your kids are young so you will have to get a little something from them. I know it sux but unfortunately it is what it is.

She may be testing you but odds are she just doesn't care about anyone but herself.

I'm sorry A. This $hit isn't easy. The feeling you have right now doesn't last forever.

[MrBrside]

AKuei,

Let me ask you this... Would your old wife not want to wake up with her children on her birthday - to have them jump on your best and say Happy Birthday mum etc..

I suspect she would have loved it..

Heres the thing..The wife you knew is gone.. and to a degree ( certainly in my sitch ) the mother to your kids you knew is gone as well..

Replaced by somebody who's actions are pure selfish.. Hence she no longer cares if she wakes up in the house with her kids..

You cant change her or her actions. I suspect these actions will upset the children, so just be there for them.. Prepare for the worst ( divorce ) and plan for being the best father you can be.. Let her enjoy the car crash decissions she makes .

[AKuei]

Detachment is hard when you're in the thick of it. You mentioned the fear you are feeling. What are afraid of A? I can promise you that what you are afraid of isn't as bad as it feels right now?

You have to try to accept that fact that you are likely to separate and probably even divorce. Things have to get worse before they will get better.

As for her birthday, yeah your kids are young so you will have to get a little something from them. I know it sux but unfortunately it is what it is.

She may be testing you but odds are she just doesn't care about anyone but herself.

I'm sorry A. This $hit isn't easy. The feeling you have right now doesn't last forever.

Thanks LH, I agree with you that it doesn't last forever. I have to take on this feeling head on and get past it.

True enough, my kids were asking me where's mommy when they got back home. I just said, "Mommy's out with her friends."

It really seems like heading to S or D is the path now. And I'm not sure if that will put her at rock bottom or me. I need to be strong to take this sheet and be there for my kids.

[AKuei]

AKuei,

Let me ask you this... Would your old wife not want to wake up with her children on her birthday - to have them jump on your best and say Happy Birthday mum etc..

I suspect she would have loved it..

Heres the thing..The wife you knew is gone.. and to a degree ( certainly in my sitch ) the mother to your kids you knew is gone as well..

Replaced by somebody who's actions are pure selfish.. Hence she no longer cares if she wakes up in the house with her kids..

You cant change her or her actions. I suspect these actions will upset the children, so just be there for them.. Prepare for the worst ( divorce ) and plan for being the best father you can be.. Let her enjoy the car crash decissions she makes .

The old W will definitely like to wake up on her birthday morning with the kids greeting her, go for a good meal and have a fabulous cake. She told me me before that a birthday is a must no matter what.

I think it's the fact that I can see her really going to crash and burn with all her decisions yet I cannot help her. I've read NMMNG and I identify as one; which i need to find someone to fix and have a covert contract with in order to gain the love i need. The helplessness in me is out of this world.

I've gotten a good L from a buddy that's pro-men (because laws here in Singapore favors women considerably). I'm gonna have to start to make an appointment to prepare for the worst case in the event of a D.

I really want to slap and shake myself really hard right now. I'm feeling like sheet because I'm weak and fearful. I'm taking baby steps in improving myself and getting back my confidence but the arduously slow pace is wreaking havoc in my mind.

Are there any other books/resources that I can latch on to keep my mind from thinking stupid stuff? I'm finishing up on "The subtle of not giving a F*&(" and some of stuff in there really resonated with me...

[LH19]

A must read is “how to be a 3% man” by Corey Wayne

[AKuei]

You mentioned the fear you are feeling. What are afraid of A? I can promise you that what you are afraid of isn't as bad as it feels right now?

Sorry I forgot to address this.

I'm afraid of losing the family as a whole because I was brought with the teachings that children will fare best if both parents are together. I fear that my failure in keeping my W in the marriage will end up hurting my kids in the long run.

I've read threads that mentioned all that matters is how effective a separated couple can co-parent and the damage will be reduced to a bare minimum but all i could think of is, since I can't even save a marriage, how can I be sure I can effectively co-parent with someone that has hurt me so tremendously? Well, given that her rewritten history was me hurting her more, not sure what to make of it now.

And you are right, it doesn't feel as bad as right now... I'm at a lost why this is so. Can you coach me on this?

[LH19]

A,

That’s one of the biggest lies told. Children will fare better in a two parent home where there is mutual love and respect. You do not have that right now so that makes it a toxic environment.

Coparenting is not that difficult. I only speak to my ex about the kids nothing else. Most is done by text and a few phone calls. I never speak badly about her to my children even though she is being a bad parent right now. I try to minimize the damage for my children.

A my fear is that right now you are still in the denial phase of the stages of grief so I’m not going to lie you have a long road ahead of you. Exercise, eat right, get good sleep and practice self love.

Try to get a little stronger every day.

[AKuei]

Thanks LH. I think I'm jumping back and forth in the grief stages whenever my W pulls out a new stunt. Messes up my mind pretty bad.

And yes I agree with you that I'm still in denial because I still can't wrap my head around why my W can bear to just drop the kids and live her own fantasy. The kids were her world before she turned into another person. I can't understand the fact that she doesn't realise her trailblazing actions are leaving behind a trail of destruction to her loved ones.

At times (more regularly now) I'm just calm where I'm ok with her out of the picture and I'm full of motivation to better myself and be there for the kids. And there are times (like now) where I'm back to square one whenever she pulls a fast one on me and the kids, leaving me speechless.

I've gotten more information from the tenant that she's looking around for apartments and she has shortlisted 2 units. Also got to know that she has told her mom that she's intending to divorce but will want a separation first. I'm puzzled by this statement because she was the one that wants to move this quickly but on the other hand she wants to "slowly" let the kids know about it and wants to give separation a try first and see how it goes. To me it sounds like cake eating, am i wrong?

And I will heed your advice on how to effectively co-parent when things go from bad to worse. This is the best we can do for the kids I guess. I have to be strong for the kids no matter what.