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A Message from Michele
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Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905121
10/06/20 03:47 PM
10/06/20 03:47 PM
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unchien Offline
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Core ~

A lot of your last two posts resonate a lot with me. It reminds me of my separation last summer in many ways.

Originally Posted by Core
I have a feeling I'm going to be the bitter, angry, resentful guy. Even if W wanted me back, shes not at all what I want in a mate. The first several years of our R she had a mask on. Her real interests, wants, needs, opinions differ now. She used to be responsible, take ownership, and had accountability. Those things are gone. My W truly died in a way and she was an amazing person when she was alive. We were happy, always wanted to be together, always positive, had dreams and aspirations. Now this being has no empathy or sympathy for me or my family, we can barely converse and I am stuck with this version of her for countless years longer than I had my wife.

Resentment is a choice.

You are telling yourself your own narrative here. You are describing your W today. People change.

My STBXW is an absolute nightmare for me to deal with. I choose not to post much about it anymore. I think she is entitled and irresponsible and destructive and toxic. But I don't let it eat me alive.

I also have a great relationship with my kids. I'm gradually moving through the legal process to move on with my life and disentangle myself as much as possible from her. I'm excited about life. I have some resentment, no doubt, but it isn't eating me alive.

Part of detachment is ignoring the narrative that is being projected onto you. I see you react a lot to the current circumstances with your W, the things she says or does. You don't like it. You recoil from it. Try to detach... her truth will change, and frankly, it's not your truth, so who cares?

I know it's hard to accept that you will never understand. I know my own truth about how my MR unraveled. But I am confused as ever about my W's experience and why things got to this point. I'll never know. That's okay. I have 3 beautiful young kids, my relationship with them is better than ever, and I'm going to enjoy my life. I don't get to experience certain things with them. But I also have some magical times with them, times where I'm not worried about doing things the way my X wants me to, or worried about choosing things that she wants to do.

Hang in there, it takes a long time, you will adjust. Try to detach from your W's narrative, recognize that you are tethered to that rock and you need to cut that rope.

Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905165
10/07/20 07:19 AM
10/07/20 07:19 AM
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Posts: 522
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Mumin Offline
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Core
Tough reading what you are going through, it must be really heavy.
What U posted here is however SO right! Hang in there, give it time!
Its not your truth! (U holy [censored] that is strong!)
I have turend to David Goggins in my downs recently.
Forcing myself to change mentality at least helps a little bit when Im down.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905391
10/09/20 10:44 PM
10/09/20 10:44 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 346
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Thank you and Mumin,

I'm getting there. I'm not even looking in to divorce stuff anymore yet I'm still getting....incoming buzzword...triggered..by stuff I'm finding. In reading both ends of politics, family values comes up and the science behind how important a two parent household is hits me in the face. I have and still do believe in the importance. When they say kids are worse off in basically every recorded measure, its hard to hear, probably hard for you reading to read, and its worse knowing I've no control on that aspect. Yes my portion of the time I can give them a great life yet doubtful it could've topped benefits of us staying married.

With the distance I have from my W, I can understand some of the WAS feelings. If she came and kissed me, said ILY, asked to work on the M now, I'd practically vomit in disgust.

I still dont know what flaws I really should work on. I believe so little of what W told me that I dont know whats true. For instance I was never called controlling until after D. Many of the problems she had with me were minor quirks like double checking that lights were turned off before bed. The bigger things such as words that were hurtful to her well, none of us never know what will hurt or trigger someone.

Here's the most I can muster, I lost composure once and cried in front of her after putting my cat down. She responded angrily and condescendingly after although she gave me space. I think that weakness killed attraction. My anxiety to boot killed attraction and made her feel unsafe with me as a protector as I had visible weaknesses. With how sensitive I had to be to others at my job else HR came for you with a complaint or you dont get a raise, I lost a measure of assertiveness. I set aside my goals to spend time with my kids. I lost measure if what I believe is masculine.

Killing attraction plus saying too much in our disagreements are probably what I did that was most damaging. Society today will tell me thats all ok and normal yet it is different than who I was and who she fell for and maybe is not actually ok. Much different than cocky, confident me who had few cares in the world. Thing is, after marriage and kids, I had intense cares in the world. For them. I'll never be that old me in full again and frankly I dont want to be. I want to move closer to that end than I have been but not all the way there, more centered. It's a weird feeling now and hard to explain. I want the two parent household but I dont want my W. No other woman would be mom to the kids so there is no replacing W and therefore the want is unachievable and not rational.

Possibly sadly for me, I have absolutely zero interest in any kind of relationship at the moment, minus what many men want plenty of the time. I don't want W in my life. I dont want another SO in my life. This D and growth since has damaged me in a way I need to work though. I see relationships now as ticking time bombs. How long until a GFs feelings change, trauma returns to her or me, MLC gets either party, needs or wants change from aging hormones. I don't see the point. I dont feel lonely, Im having an excellent time alone with W out of the house.

Last edited by Core; 10/09/20 10:47 PM.

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905404
10/10/20 09:53 AM
10/10/20 09:53 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,313
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LH19 Online
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Boy this was a tough read Core. You would never know by reading this that you were the one who filed for divorce. You have to let go of the victims mentality. With your high anxiety I'm sure you were controlling at times the two go hand in hand. One of the number one problems with the LBS on this board is they want the WW to be something that they are not. I actually respected you when you filed because you weren't going to be treated that way by your W. Now it clearly shows that you did it as a tactic. You are 37 years old. 15 years younger then me. Basically 50 years ahead of you and your worried about being in another relationship. Why worry about it now? Raise your kids. If you want to have sex then have sex. You can do anything you want and are the master of your own destiny. Are kids better in a row parent home with loving parents? Absolutely! Now how many of those families do you know? Does alimony suck? Yep. It's only money and it doesn't last forever.

I'm really sorry that your family is breaking up when your kids are so young. I the positive side they will not know the difference. I once asked my BFs daughter if she was effected by her parents not living together. She was 2 when they split. She said not at all. I never knew any different.

Life is what you make of it Core. Time to positively start planning for the future.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905405
10/10/20 11:07 AM
10/10/20 11:07 AM
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Ginger1 Online
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I believe the statistics on 2 parent households are skewed.

Kids are most likely in the best situation in a 2 parent loving stable household.

But kids are not better off in a 2 parent household
Where there is loads of disrespect and no love, infidelity, and contempt for the other.

Kids in a divorced households where both parents canít co parent effectively there is hostility, using the kids as pawns, etc, thatís the worst situation .

Kids will fare better in a divorced household where two parents get along, are civil, and each household there is love and contentment.

My daughter hasnít known any other way. Her dad dad dropped the bomb when she was 6 months old and was out of the house that day.
Sheís doing great, except for being a snarky 13 year old girl. Her parents get along, she never has to feel uncomfortable, she wants for nothing. She has lots of people who love her. She is extremely emotionally intelligent. Sheís a nearly straight a student , has friends in the good crowd and is a happy kid, except for mopey teenage hormone stuff.

If crying when your cat got put to sleep killed her attraction, there is something wrong with her, not you.

Your post was about what should you fix that your W didnít like about you. What the heck?!!

If anything killed attraction, itís your insecurity, trying to become something that someone else wants, instead of being the man YOU want to be and having a sense of confidence. Which you can without cockiness . Which you can have at the same time you cry over something sad.

Trying to become someone that someone else wants you to be and constant victim mentality is what is not attractive .

Become the man YOI want to be and wear it well. Because if it isnít genuine, itís not a good look


Last edited by Ginger1; 10/10/20 11:07 AM.
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905418
10/10/20 03:50 PM
10/10/20 03:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
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Hi Core,

Originally Posted by Core
Spent 10 months post BD working on myself and the M in different ways. Finally had enough after finding W was name calling me, lying to friends about me and what I thought was lying about going to counseling. I filed for D

When they say kids are worse off in basically every recorded measure, its hard to hear, probably hard for you reading to read, and its worse knowing I've no control on that aspect. Yes my portion of the time I can give them a great life yet doubtful it could've topped benefits of us staying married.

You had control, and you chose to file for divorce. You say you felt it was worse for the kids to see their parents being verbally abusive and dishonest with each other, and now you're second-guessing. You made your choice. As a parent, I do the best I know how to for my kids. I often get it right. I sometimes don't. Spend the energy you're spending on second-guessing, on things you can control in their favor. My ex-W and I get along. My kids are close to each other and do well in school. Do The Next Right Thing.

Originally Posted by Core
With how sensitive I had to be to others at my job else HR came for you with a complaint or you dont get a raise, I lost a measure of assertiveness. I set aside my goals to spend time with my kids. I lost measure if what I believe is masculine.

This is not my experience--most industries like people who get work done and won't discard or not give a raise to a good employee over a single, unsubstantiated complaint. I've known people in many industries--big business, sales, teaching, healthcare, food service, groceries, and customer service. Entry-level jobs are an exception. At my company reviewing complaints is one of my managerial roles, and HR is for serious or consistent problems. I don't want them worrying good employees.

Originally Posted by Core
Killing attraction plus saying too much in our disagreements are probably what I did that was most damaging. Society today will tell me thats all ok and normal yet it is different than who I was and who she fell for and maybe is not actually ok.

Core, crying when your cat died makes you human. Men in past generations (like mine and maybe yours) were taught never to cry in front of others. While frequent crying may point to internal issues you need to resolve, tears at appropriate moments show empathy, that you're not a robot, and attract more than they turn-off. I used to be a wedding photographer, and almost every father-in-law sheds a tear, even those who never, ever cry in front of others. Their wives typically go "Oooh!" and think it's so sweet. Most superheroes cry. Decide what's right for you, and when you do date, you'll attract a matching woman. Don't try to be something you're not. At some point the facade falls away and neither is happy.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Filed for D [Re: Ginger1] #2905440
10/10/20 10:24 PM
10/10/20 10:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
You have to let go of the victims mentality. With your high anxiety I'm sure you were controlling at times the two go hand in hand. One of the number one problems with the LBS on this board is they want the WW to be something that they are not. I actually respected you when you filed because you weren't going to be treated that way by your W. Now it clearly shows that you did it as a tactic. You are 37 years old. 15 years younger then me.

I'm really sorry that your family is breaking up when your kids are so young. I the positive side they will not know the difference. I once asked my BFs daughter if she was effected by her parents not living together. She was 2 when they split. She said not at all. I never knew any different.

Life is what you make of it Core. Time to positively start planning for the future.

LH, good to hear from you. I got blind spots even of the repeating victim mindset and I'm glad to have it called out. In regards to me filing for D as a tactic, I don't see where I conveyed that. Did I have a sliver of hope that W would turn around and fix her side. Of course. Still do, and will for awhile but I dont see it as possible. The decision was made in what I believed at the time as my best interests and controversially in the kids best interests as well. My mind is changable on these things as facts, new studies and good arguments counter my stance. I'm very open to reframing opinions which I think is why the pain of this D will last me awhile.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

But kids are not better off in a 2 parent household where there is loads of disrespect and no love, infidelity, and contempt for the other.

Kids in a divorced households where both parents canít co parent effectively there is hostility, using the kids as pawns, etc, thatís the worst situation .

Kids will fare better in a divorced household where two parents get along, are civil, and each household there is love and contentment.

My daughter hasnít known any other way. Her dad dad dropped the bomb when she was 6 months old and was out of the house that day.
Sheís doing great, except for being a snarky 13 year old girl. Her parents get along, she never has to feel uncomfortable, she wants for nothing. She has lots of people who love her. She is extremely emotionally intelligent. Sheís a nearly straight a student , has friends in the good crowd and is a happy kid, except for mopey teenage hormone stuff.

The last paragraph is funny here, although I'm sure dealing with it in your day to day is not. I'm glad to see an example from you and LHs friend that point to kids perseverance.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

If crying when your cat got put to sleep killed her attraction, there is something wrong with her, not you.

My thoughts is if I'm supposed to be a rock, seeing my break in theory should be ok but emotionally must be a turn off on some level.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Your post was about what should you fix that your W didnít like about you. What the heck?!!

If anything killed attraction, itís your insecurity, trying to become something that someone else wants, instead of being the man YOU want to be and having a sense of confidence. Which you can without cockiness.

I see how my post came off as fixing what W didnt like about me. Not the case. I do want to know where she or others think/thought I'm damaged or off and if its something I agree with changing, then I will. I know I've blind spots. Theres things she disliked that I didnt change and wont.

Theres little I want to change overall and thats what scares me a little. Certainly to have this all occur there must be something beyond my anxiety needing fixing. I dont see it so really all I've current have working on is continuing to hit anxiety, build up muscle and working on a future side income.

CW, thank you for hopping in as well with the others. You make some good points. Right now while I'm open to change, Im really going all in and man its a lot. I want to keep this going and keep open to information and change before I set in my ways. So much of all this like politics is controversial and in some cases theres incredible arguments on both sides.

I think someday I'll look back and find this journey incredible. I've found my religion again, shifted my political lean to much more centered, fixed an important relationship, out achieved most on my mid 20s fitness records, and learned quite a bit on validation and boundaries. This may be the best thing thats happened to me, just possibly not the kids whom alI believe are more important than I, an aging partially broken old man.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905460
10/11/20 10:43 AM
10/11/20 10:43 AM
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Posts: 6,313
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LH19 Online
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C,

My point is that if you feel D is best for you and the kids then own it. You are not owning it that's how I know it was a tactic. If you owned it you would be excited about the possibilities of the future ahead of you. You wouldn't be sitting around wallowing in self pity. Just like your Ws feelings changed your feelings will change too. There will come a time when you feel diffent about relationships once you get your confidence back. It may take some time but it will happen. Until then just be a good dad and take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905654
10/13/20 03:40 PM
10/13/20 03:40 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 346
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Core Offline OP
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Good point LH. Here's the thing because it's beyond complicated. Filing for D I believed and believe still was best for me in terms of society and the rules the government has laid down upon me. I do not believe I made the right choice in terms of my religion. In that sense D was not best for me and the kids. Now since W had an EA, I can call it an affair which makes a divorce ok in terms of my religion yet I don't know how serious the EA was and how much was just her fantasy. I can't be 100 percent behind my choice without the facts.

On top of that part of my decision to file was based on her not getting counseling, her name calling and lying about these things. Its turns out her counselor was allowing her to keep a tab which my counselor said is very rare. W also told me I misinterpreted the name calling with may or may not be false. So I filed with a clear conscious that W was doing nothing at all and that I was being targeted or abused. W was actually in counseling and maybe I wasnt targeted to the degree I thought. If this is the case, things may have been repairable and I pulled the plug early in terms of society and religion.

Add to this that I had my part to play in all this. After years of Ws physical neglect, I pulled away emotionally and stated to her and a previous contact that I was doing so due to the pain it cause. At one point she said I need an emotional connection and I assumed what it meant rather than asking her what she wanted. I figured spending time together, chatting and doing family things developed an emotional connection but maybe not to her.

Im in a full blown existential crisis at this point. I felt deeply that my purpose was to have a family and raise my kids well so they have a net positive impact on the world. Without the family and from the damage this will do to the kids, my purpose has failed in my mind. Yes they could still have a net positive, but probably less so and in the end, the family has ended partially due to my withdrawal from the R as my needs were ignored. I'm not so much different from a WAS in that sense except that I would not have asked for divorce. Yet W says I did though I think I'd remember that. Maybe she took me saying I don't know what to do with our R if she keep up her habits and distancing as leaning towards divorce which in a way, it is and its a bit like an ultimatum. Now with clarity I'm less innocent in all this and this realization that I'm a large factor in hurting my W, my kids, myself and my purpose is awful.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Filed for D [Re: Core] #2905657
10/13/20 03:50 PM
10/13/20 03:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,706
Colorado
T
Thornton Offline
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Of course you played a role in the demise of your marriage, we all did.

However, do you think you caused your W to cheat on you?

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