Frankly - truth be told. I do not want to ignore my anniversary. It is what it is.
Then don't. But know there are other ways to acknowledge/appreciate your anniversary w/o messaging your H. You can look through wedding photos. You can journal. You can call a friend and express your appreciate of what was.
Perhaps these can be alternatives to actually contacting H - because although I believe that your motive may be out of love, your heart is very much still hurt over this. In the end - it will most likely win the battle.
What you mean - it will most likely win the battle?
What you mean - it will most likely win the battle?
I mean the hurt heart will win. You most likely will not be able to send the Happy Anniversary Text w/o expectations. Without looking at your phone to see if your H responds. To wonder what he thinks about your text. To have anxiety on if/he responds. To be sad if he doesn't.
You can try to tell us otherwise. You can try to tell yourself otherwise. That's okay. It's part of the process.
The day will hurt no matter what you do. Whatever you decide... just make sure to take care of you too.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
KK, can you run some scenarios in your head before you make the decision to reach out to H tomorrow? Imagine it is Sunday morning-- how are you feeling inside if:
1. You contact H and he doesn't respond. 2. You contact H and he responds with something negative 3. You contact H and he responds with something neutral or blows it off 4. You DON'T contact H
Which of these scenarios will be best for KK on Sunday morning? Which will make you feel the best about yourself? Because at this point, your mental and emotional well-being is way too attached to H's behavior. You will never heal if you remain in this place. You must do whatever it takes, even if it is against your nature, to provide yourself with the tools needed to forge a path to healing.
What you mean - it will most likely win the battle?
I mean the hurt heart will win. You most likely will not be able to send the Happy Anniversary Text w/o expectations. Without looking at your phone to see if your H responds. To wonder what he thinks about your text. To have anxiety on if/he responds. To be sad if he doesn't.
You can try to tell us otherwise. You can try to tell yourself otherwise. That's okay. It's part of the process.
The day will hurt no matter what you do. Whatever you decide... just make sure to take care of you too.
It seems that you are saying -
If I send the text I will have expectations or wonder why he is not texting.
If I don't send the text I will have expectations or wonder why he did not text me.
So ultimately I'm in a no win situation regardless of what I do. I have to decide what says "I'm a high value person". I continue NC and say nothing or act true to my core values of who I am and risk telling him "I'm a low value person".
This is a real life example of the life I lead:
Many years ago I had a falling out with a dear friend. Over what I can no longer remember. But, she stopped speaking to me. I apologized for whatever it was and gave her time and space. Every year I sent a Christmas card. Sometimes just a short message about how I was doing and hoped she was well. Each year I'd add a little more - wonder how she is and hope she is well. That I saw her parents recently and got caught up with them. That I would really love to hear from her... etc.
Every year it was just silence. But I kept sending that card EVERY year. I saw her parents 2-3 times a year. Eventually she friended me on FB but kept her distance. It was occasionally liking her posts or vice versa. We were in touch but not the friends we once were. When I stepped up and helped her parents with something because she was several states away she reached out and thanked me personally. When her mother passed away she didn't expect me at the funeral - but there I was and she cried she was so happy to see me.
I sent that Christmas card every year hoping it would be the year we would put our issues behind us. But, when it didn't happen I kept moving forward realizing she needed more time. We had been dear friends since high school. I was maid of honor in both her weddings.
^^^That is who I am. That is my core. My H did a pretty crappy thing by walking out but I wasn't being the best version of me at the time either. I've done a lot of work and I've grown. Is the thought of contacting him 100% altruistic? No. But I'm not currently holding a grudge against him. My biggest error is not seeing that he is still holding a grudge against me.
KC, I think you are just making excuses here so I won't be surprised if you text your H tomorrow which is your choice.
Does your "core value" not include respecting other people's wishes and boundaries? Your H is showing you what he wants/needs. Seems to me that you are prioritizing YOUR need to validate something within yourself verses showing H you respect his wishes (even when it hurts!).
You would not being showing him a "low value person" by respecting his needs or by guarding your heart. That's a justification you are giving yourself.
Same thing with your friend.
One might argue that you were disrespectful of her space by sending that Christmas Card year after year. You pushed your agenda over her needs and then claim them as living your "core values".
Just a different perspective you might want to chew on before you convince yourself you are being a "loving" person by doing an action that is currently not being asked by, and quite frankly unwanted by the other person.
Last edited by Valeska19; 10/02/2007:28 PM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As Valeska says, NOT texting him seems the most loving thing, since he is trying to move on.
Special dates are tough. I hope you do something kind for yourself this weekend and maybe write out all you wish you could say in a journal to get it off your chest. I'm glad I don't remember any special dates with my ex-wife--strange, since I remember my current anniversary and all my ex-girlfriend's birthdays.
I had a nice visit with my son yesterday at college... long drive so took up the whole day.
H texted yesterday - How do I deal with a bleeding tail? Puppy wags tail so hard that he injured the tip.
Me face palming... This... this... is my kryptonite. Of course he will contact me on a Sunday. Currently there are few options for emergency service due to COVID. I still consider this puppy "our dog"... IDK why.
I ended up calling him - he rejected the call so I just texted "I called to help" and chucked the phone. Seriously? You contact for help and get me sucked in and you reject the call. DONE. He texted back "can't talk now". I'm like I don't care. You should not have texted me to start with --- this is BS.
He ended up calling 5min later. I was business like and offered the best OTC solutions. Told him how I typically handle this in the office. Prepped him that these things are difficult to heal and can be chronic occurrence and as a last resort tail amputations do happen. Ask for the closest pharmacy to him and said I was out of town for the day but would call in script when I was home.
He stated he was on his way to funeral. That he is really busy right now so not sure when he can get the puppy looked at - maybe 1-2 weeks. Told him to have it seen sooner than later.
Not a single Thank You.
NOTHING.
He texted more questions about the tail last night. Again - not a single thank you for calling in the script. Wow. I have friends that will call and text when having an issue they need help or advice with who are always so thankful for whatever support I can offer them. What a pig.
He will not be bothered to text any updates so I will be left wondering how things turned out for the fur baby. BUT, I will not contact him. He has shown me consistently how selfish he is - he is a pig.
I made the choice to respond. The end result is completely on me. Its just sad that he can't even show normal human interaction of saying thank you when I've helped him.
