KC our anniversary was in September, he even came round on that day to attempt to help sort the garage out/see tue boys. I didnt say anything at all and it was best not spoken about. I had friends round later that day and i had a brilliant day. I wouldn’t reach out if i was you, painful silence isn’t something i would have wanted to endure. Make plans for yourself, enjoy the day as you would any other.
But I think the problem with your desire to be so nice is completely disconnected with how you really feel. It’s not genuine.
You are angry with him. You are hurt by the fact he cheated and he left. It’s still there. So why wish a happy anniversary and thank him for the years, blah blah blah, I know you are going now hunting......
Seriously, when it’s not genuine, it’s really not all that nice . It’s so you appear nice to the person you are saying it to.
That seems to more your goal. And we can see that, because it doesn’t appear genuine at all
But I think the problem with your desire to be so nice is completely disconnected with how you really feel. It’s not genuine.
You are angry with him. You are hurt by the fact he cheated and he left. It’s still there. So why wish a happy anniversary and thank him for the years, blah blah blah, I know you are going now hunting......
Seriously, when it’s not genuine, it’s really not all that nice . It’s so you appear nice to the person you are saying it to.
That seems to more your goal. And we can see that, because it doesn’t appear genuine at all
hmmm... even though that's who I am? Its genuine.
Keep in mind I work in a field where I deal with a lot of crap sometimes. People bring their emotions from different issues in their life and often get projected on to me. I've had people be down right rude, mean angry. I had one person so abusive that a client in another room almost felt the need to step in.
But, I'm trained to be calm. Listen, understand, empathize and in general kill them with kindness. I'm almost ALWAYS over the top nice and compassionate to the biggest A Holes that can come into my work place. I recognize that 80% of the time its something else in their life that is making them act the way the do and 90% of the time they always come back later and apologize.
So truly its my nature.
But, you are right. I am still hurt. But, I think about that less these days. I also recognize what's my point? Am I wanting him to be nice back? Maybe. But, I also think I can walk away knowing that I did what was right for me.
I’m in the healthcare field to. I get it. I take a beating from stressed out families on a daily basis.
I am a nice person too, a people pleaser by nature, by profession, by trauma
I am nice. But I don’t say stuff that I don’t mean, unless I have to at work. That’s not nice. It doesn’t mean I say something mean in turn. And I don’t offer niceties when they aren’t appropriate
Initiating a nice message to your estranged husband on your anniversary is not a nice thing to do. You don’t want to make him feel good about running off with another woman on the day of your wedding anniversary. That’s you wanting to appear nice and that is for your own agenda.
I’m in the healthcare field to. I get it. I take a beating from stressed out families on a daily basis.
I am a nice person too, a people pleaser by nature, by profession, by trauma
I am nice. But I don’t say stuff that I don’t mean, unless I have to at work. That’s not nice. It doesn’t mean I say something mean in turn. And I don’t offer niceties when they aren’t appropriate
Initiating a nice message to your estranged husband on your anniversary is not a nice thing to do. You don’t want to make him feel good about running off with another woman on the day of your wedding anniversary. That’s you wanting to appear nice and that is for your own agenda.
Why would saying that even be right for you?
That's a valid point.
I guess. Part of it may be guilt. Even though I go overboard on being nice in the work place. And, I get compliments all the time on how can you manage to handle that person like that? He drives me nuts, etc.
When it comes to people in your innner circle sometimes you are not so nice and kind.
I recognize this now. I would be out with H and would see a client who approaches me and I'm extremely lovely and chatty and go out of my way to make people feel good about sharing things about their pets. H would even comment how much "nicer" I am to "strangers" than too him.
Of course H wasn't always nice to me either. That's what happens with you live with someone for 10yr and the stress of life and kids and disagreements, etc.
But, I remember being hurt by his truth on this particular day. I privately made a decision that I wouldn't let him feel that way any longer. I would be different. I get it - it takes 5.9 something positives to outweigh a negative.. but I was going to be different... action wise. What I did not do that day was to look him in the eye and apologize that I ever made him feel that way. I hadn't meant to but I know I could do differently. But, I stayed in my head.... I never spoke about it to him. I carry a lot of guilt for that. This was 2-3 months before BD I think.
Anyway... I've made a conscious effort since then on how I interact with my close circle - my H and my kids. Making sure I'm not getting overwhelmed and when I do making sure I apologize and that I need a time out due to being overwhelmed.
Frankly - truth be told. I do not want to ignore my anniversary.
Frankly - truth be told. I do not want to ignore my anniversary. It is what it is.
Then don't. But know there are other ways to acknowledge/appreciate your anniversary w/o messaging your H. You can look through wedding photos. You can journal. You can call a friend and express your appreciate of what was.
Perhaps these can be alternatives to actually contacting H - because although I believe that your motive may be out of love, your heart is very much still hurt over this. In the end - it will most likely win the battle.
Last edited by Valeska19; 10/02/2004:35 PM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
