Dnj, when he returned last year after being away from work, he never said anything to me about where and when he would return. It showed up a little then faded out and now, it seems to be a bit more.
If he comes home and I am visible I will say hi or look at him to see if he says hi. (He does). If he comes home and I am not home yet or if he comes home and I am busy, I do not make an effort to say hello. If the door is closed I leave him alone.
I mentioned before, I can cook. Well, with the weather being so hot of late, I have been making simple salads and light items. He doesn't eat anything. He is back to eating alone. I am not letting it effect me anymore, but I just think it is dumb.
The one thing that stands out is before when he was in a room and I would make a little chit chat convo, he would respond monotone one word answers. Now he responds with further questions or like above, follows up like he has been thinking about it later when he sees me.
Yet OW is around, and he has not said one word about our relationship. Maybe he just thinks he has told me he wants a D, and he thinks he's got no reason to not be cordial as he has let his intentions be known. I know, this is where I GAL and work on me.
I do not work Fridays in the office, I work from home and will do housework, also. On Thursday afternoons I am so ready for the weekend. Then I just do nothing.
I am not comfortable doing a bunch of socializing with covid, and I am very happy to read, catch up on the phone with friends and family and do grocery shopping. But that doesn’t take all weekend.
On Friday, H continued his home improvements by replacing a toilet seat. I thanked him.
Yesterday I saw him for one brief second after he came home from walking with friends. Later I left and browsed a bookstore for a couple of hours, came home and ate dinner.
I am very grateful that I do not have a “mean, volatile” man living here. But I will tell you, I can struggle with someone who is my “roommate” that may see or not see periodically. I don’t think he has anywhere to go since OW is out of the country. He’s pleasant enough and that makes it confusing. I try not to wonder what he is doing, but weekends hurt. It is so beautiful today I would have loved to taken a drive WITH him just to see things. D25 was working and I honestly just wanted to lie in bed all day. It seemed like an effort to get moving. He doesn’t see that though, I am busy when he’s around.
Instead, he has been in the room all day and I will have dinner with D25 later.
I ask my IC if he wants to be divorced why does he not do anything and she reminds me he is not logical in MLC. I certainly am not going to fulfill his request. So I don’t know if it is a waiting game and he figures he told me twice so it’s done, or if 180’s are having any effect.
I do see some action, when I do not see or speak to him, he seems to touch base but seeking me out in a vague way, just to say hi as he walks by or ask about the pets. But goodness, here we are almost 17 months in, it is a MARATHON.
But goodness, here we are almost 17 months in, it is a MARATHON.
PLC
My H's first BD was the fall of 2013. He filed for divorce in summer of 2018. You have to adjust your brain to a much longer time span for your marathon.
What did you love to do before H? Did you always want to try writing poetry? Taking up hiking? Can you do some volunteer work? Permaculture garden in your front yard? Mentor a child who is living in poverty?
Your life with H is over. Don't wait for him. Just be pleasantly surprised if he shows up in your wonderful new life and you still want him back.
It takes a long time to find yourself and to find a new way of seeing life. It will happen. Hugs.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
One thing that is a constant is that I want to travel. I have vacations planned out and as soon as it is easier to travel, I am taking off.
Last night, I was thinking of your response, and I have always wanted to immerse myself in another language. I think that is next on the agenda.
A question, I see you have been on the boards a while, I need to familiarize myself with your sitch, but did your H stay at home those five years and was there any time he was not MLC in behavior?
I know I need to focus on me, and for the most part I have been doing that. It is easy in the sense that H, although the lives here, ignores me for the most part.
H has always been a clean freak. With the MLC he focused on fantasy land and although he has put extreme effort in his looks, he had left laundry for months to do. He only washed what he needed to wear. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned he cleaned out the bedroom he’s living in and today decided to wash the bedding.
Why does this give me anxiety? Is he near the surface and sees the mess? Does he think to clean up to clear out?
Every time he’s done this nothing has happened, so can anyone explain?
I literally can maneuver all day with just me and when I see this progress on clean up I throws me. Help.
Learning another language is an excellent idea. Good for you!
Originally Posted by PLC
A couple of weeks ago I mentioned he cleaned out the bedroom he’s living in and today decided to wash the bedding.
Why does this give me anxiety? Is he near the surface and sees the mess? Does he think to clean up to clear out?
It is hard to figure out why MLCers do what they do. H is cleaning because he feels like it. He went months without doing the laundry. It means nothing. They are in crisis. Time has little meaning to an emotionally trouble person.
They don’t care, are indifferent to almost everything from their old lives. Got to remember their emotions are cranked up to eleven, they can’t handle anything else.
Meals, laundry, whatever - there is always fast food somewhere, and they can just throw on a shirt or buy new. It’s strange behaviour from who they once were. H was a clean freak. Now, not so much.
Perhaps, he is having some moments of clarity and felt like having clean clothes and sheets. It’s a single data point for now. Longer term behaviours speak louder. Still, a good sign, for it is better than living like a teenager.
Is he cleaning because he is thinking of clearing out? If H was clearing out, having clean sheets would probably not be his top priority.
On to the important part - you. Why does this give you anxiety?
Fear.
H’s behaviour changed, he washed his clothes, cleaned his room, did his bedding. This is not his normal, and you therefore notice it and react. It’s ok, and quite normal to do that. We get used to their sullen hidden behaviour, and different is seen as “oh no, something is happening and it probably isn’t good”.
You get thrown for a loop because you imagine a poor outcome. Don’t worry, these reactions will pass.
H’s sudden cleaning triggered a fear within you. It’s not the cleaning, it’s the change of his norm, and the somewhat return to his clean-freak self, that triggered your worry over a possible future event.
Consider:
What is the future event?
What was the trigger?
What is the irrational tie between the two?
Understand that, and you understand your fear. That rationalizes your irrational response and lessens its power and hold upon you.
Note, irrational means not logical. It’s the emotional part of us, not the controlled logic and reason part. We utilize our rational self to find understanding into our emotional self.
Fear not, you’re doing fine my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Trigger: I think I am so used to him being in LA LA land that when he does anything out of it and still does not speak to me except little grunts (like a teen) I assume, he’s out of MLC, back to former self, but is still loyal to the OW. I think I can rationalize her being there, when he is obviously acting like a teen.
Irrational tie- hmm, I am always a good one for jumping to the worst case scenario, and so I think just being my anxious self is irrational.
If I rationally really think this out, again, it doesn’t matter what he is doing, so I need to continue to work on me. Him deciding to have clean sheets or a clean room is good, but I guess it also can show that I am not going to ask him to clean up. If this was a battle of the wills on if I would break and do anything, I won, haha.
So this weekend, D25 is on a mini vacation with a good friend of hers for the weekend. This is the first time since she has come home at the beginning of August that she has left me alone with H in the house.
His behavior is nothing different. He leaves in the morning and we have minimal words.
I have continued my GAL.
I know I have mentioned that he won't eat what I cook or with me and actually D25 either for that matter. He seems to be on some sort of weight loss kick as he says he doesn't want to eat after a certain time. I bring this up, because he attempts this, but yesterday he brought home a bunch of pastries. I am not going to eat them. D25 is not home. Last night, the dogs needed out and when I got up to let them out, he was in the kitchen stuffing his face with coffee cake. This was at 1:00am. I don't comment to him but we did acknowledge each other.
I just think that this is a prime example of him not knowing what he wants.
Late afternoon, he left to eat, I assume. I left about an hour later and was gone an hour running errands and picking up dinner. I returned around 6:30 and he was already in the bedroom. So no wonder he was hungry.
Anyway, I just wanted to weigh in. (no pun intended) I have some things planned before it gets too hot. I hope you all can enjoy this weekend.
I have things also planned, but before it gets to cold.
Good answers to the questions regarding fear. Breaking it down into its constituent parts, and examine each, rationalizes them.
Originally Posted by PLC
Future event: Moves out
The future event is something that hasn’t happened yet. We imagine it.
Imagination is the first step in creation. An imagined reality still leads to real emotions, a normal and proper reaction by the way. Your feelings regarding him moving out are good. Dispelling fear is not about not feeling, it’s about accepting one’s feelings.
Originally Posted by PLC
Trigger: I think I am so used to him being in LA LA land that when he does anything out of it and still does not speak to me except little grunts (like a teen) I assume, he’s out of MLC, back to former self, but is still loyal to the OW. I think I can rationalize her being there, when he is obviously acting like a teen.
The trigger, in my opinion, is less than what you’ve mentioned. A lot of what you stated is actually the irrational tie.
A trigger is an action, a thought, a place, a smell, etc. that starts a cascade of emotions which bring forth the imagined future event and all the fearful outcome.
The trigger is simply H behaving “out of the ordinary”. As I suggested, this is not about H cleaning. It’s not about H losing weight, or eating fast food, or hiding in his room. It’s all of those behaviours, and none of them. Change your definition of “out of the ordinary” and this particular trigger won’t happen as often.
Originally Posted by PLC
Irrational tie- hmm, I am always a good one for jumping to the worst case scenario, and so I think just being my anxious self is irrational.
The irrational tie is harder to see and follow its path. By its very nature, being irrational and based on emotions, it is somewhat hidden from our logical side. Jumping to the worst case scenario is very common and a huge driver to our fears.
The tie between trigger and future event, doesn’t have to make sense - in fact it won’t. Once it does make sense, well it’s no longer irrational and fear is abated.
One can see and understand their future feared event and the trigger pretty well. In this case H moving out, divorcing, leaving, etc. has feelings associated with it. Interestingly, we only fear things that haven’t happened yet. If H moved out, you would not fear that anymore. It would become “fact”, a problem, a concern, something you now deal with, rationally.
Understand our fear is about something not actually happening; and once it does happen, there is nothing left to fear. I find that quite interesting, and use that rationalization to delve into the irrational to find the fear and the paralyzing affect it has.
The trigger, H behaving differently, activates the tie to your imagination. Uncoupling trigger and future event is similar to detachment. See things accurately and clearly for what they are. Logic and reason, mental assertiveness, that sharp sword of your’s, are very useful tools.
All fear is based upon us getting hurt. Deep down, it is about our own pain, our hurting. Me fearing for my children, a car accident, a bar fight, an assault upon a young girl, etc. all imagined and all about me. The hurt I would feel.
Remember, we are talking about fear, not empathy. Yes, we would, and do, feel when others get hurt or bad things happen. That is a good thing, we are not psychotic, of course we feel. It is the fact that living fearfully does not affect, nor prevent, an outcome - so why fear it?
In fact, the fearful existence prevents examining or discussing these possibilities. One fearfully looks away and lives with the silent lurking fear. Fearlessness allows one to take action. To look upon these possibilities, rationally, to even give probability to them, and therefore take preventive measures. Fear has a large component of denial with it, and one doesn’t act when in denial.
H behaving differently triggers your imagined reality which brings forth your feeling of hurt. These feelings are true, are real, you feeling them, that anxiety. And they are based upon something that hasn’t even happened.
Following that irrational path is convoluted and very individual. Each of us has our own hurts, past, upbringing, coping, and therefore emotional ties to discover.
One of my irrational ties/fear was I would never kiss or hug another woman again. A few, hopefully helpful insights here from my inner delving:
At three years past BD, yes I have not kissed nor hugged another woman. My imagined future became reality, and it is no big deal.
This is also my choice. Another thing we learn; no one else controls your life, you do! The perceived loss of control is also a driver for one’s fear. I choose to remain celibate, and choice pushes back fear.
And fear, like depression, is usually expressed using negatives and absolutes - “never kiss or hug another woman again”. Well, I know this is not true. I can change that, when I choose too.
Originally Posted by PLC
If I rationally really think this out, again, it doesn’t matter what he is doing, so I need to continue to work on me.
Yes.
You are doing very well.
Live in the light.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You're so right, my fear is a possible future event. It has not happened.
A different future event is he stays in the home and he wants to work towards a reconciliation. I always go to the worst case scenario.
Also, "Out of the ordinary behavior" BINGO. I have grown so used to him behaving in a certain way over the last almost year and a half, that it is normal now. Out of the ordinary puts me on high alert. But IF he did say he was moving out, I also know that there is nothing I can do to change that, either.
When I calmly think of these things, I usually circle back to the fact that I am so much further ahead, some of my worst fears have happened, I am still here and I am learning to GAL on my own.
