I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 22

[SteveLW]

I know how to be on my own - I was single mom for 8yr. I did not date at all for 5yr. I focused on my young child and myself. These days my son is off to college so he doesn't need me so much.

Need to go back to this. Because you completely missed the point. I said learn to be HAPPY by yourself. I never doubted you could survive on your own. But even in the above, you make it sound like being a mother and concentrating on raising your son is what got you through. What I am trying to get you to see is that until you are happy by yourself then you will never be in a happy relationship. Relationships that thrive and last consist of two fully fulfilled individuals...individuals that were happy and thriving on their own. Short of that, when two people were less than happy on their own, they are a ticking timebomb headed towards their next BD.

All this would be solved with a good IC.

[SteveLW]

and perhaps my H starts to poke his head around and show some interest...

ANd there it is.....................

My point was - I cannot predict the future.

What if I'm happily dating for the next 3 years... and then my H comes back around?

What would I do? IDK... If I'm happily involved with someone else then most likely NOTHING. But, if I'm still casually dating??? Would I consider it? Who knows.

I feel sometimes I get roasted for being completely honest.

And, again peeps... this is called dating... Do you expect to catch fish everytime you go out fishing?? Nope - sometimes you never get a bite on the line for a number of reasons.

I'm not looking for a LTR. I'm looking to get out there. I'm 51yr old. If I wait 5yr until I get Steve's approval I'm 56. It would be much different if I was 28 but I'm not.

You certainly don't need my approval for squat! I didn't roast you. I predicted that this was another way of trying to get your H's attention. And then you hinted at just that. You are being honest. So am I.

[SteveLW]

I'd say DonH and Kind18 are the exceptions, not the rule. In fact, I knew a woman in KC's exact circumstances a few years back who started casually dating and was shocked at the number of men that expected that sex was part of the deal. And I should point out that it was pre-Tinder. I think that now sex as part of casual dating is even more than norm than it was back then.

In fact, KC, you mention the attention you've been receiving from other men. I highly doubt that is because of your personality, and your love of hobbies and other things. Not that those men could eventually be interested because of those things, but first meetings are all about things much more superficial than that! So that argument, to me, is much more in keeping with what Ginger has said.

As far as those disagreeing with Ginger, I am not sure a couple of exceptions to the rule make her wrong. Otherwise, eHarmony would be much more popular than Tinder.........and it ain't!

I was out dating 12yr ago. I can tell you during that time I went on lots of dates over a period of 2yr.

The only person I ever slept with during that 2-3yr period was my H.

Sure I had lots of opportunity... but I was never for much more than a quick bang.

So again. It can be done. You can have standards and happily date, go on adventures. As I said previously 3 of these guys are still on my FB friends list who I interact fairly regularly.

I would take a deep look within yourselves - Steve and Ginger. Perhaps your world view is heavily skewed from previous issues... and I'm sure mine is... I generally think that people are good. I tend to attract those types of people.

Yes, you are right. I have been with 4 women sexually in my life. I have been with my W exclusively for 23 years. But yes, it is my previous issues that this acknowledgement that most guys are out for sex or LTRs is rooted in....and not reality. Heck, LH even quoted a very sexually over-toned philosophy that is out there! (The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.)

Best of luck to you, KC! I sincerely hope it works out for you. However, I have to be honest with you on my assessment.....and that is that dating is the last thing you should be doing right now. Just my opinion. Doesn't mean I am right and you are wrong. Doesn't mean I am roasting you. It is my just my honest opinion. My opinion and $5 will get you a cheeseburger!

[MrBrside]

So Ginger, Steve

And i know different for everyone, but when is the time when you do start considering dating? 6 months in and im so not interested, ok if anyone asked if they could buy me coffee, yup i drink coffee, so i wouldnt decline possibly. But i would t actively join a dating website, although i do understand kk and an ego boost or a remedy for loneliness sounds really appealing. I recognise that whilst i might be able to receive attention im not ready to give it to anyone.

And if thats the case are we saying rhat most of WAS relationships (affairs) doNt last because tbh they were never started in a healthy place to start with?!

My Take on this ( dating ) - When the LBS gets their &^&* together..

And i don't just mean "oh i'm over the WW / WH ) - When the relationship falls apart, there are other factors to consider.. Finances, Children, self improvement and reflection etc. Somebody in a healthy place will recognise this and act accordingly..

If you are still regularly posting on here in an "ask for advice / journal" capacity, you are not ready to start dating IMO.. No where near ready - When you sort yourself out, you know - In KK's case , 3 days ago she was posting she was feeling "Meh", so the solution is to date ?... IMO ( and these are just my opinions ) this is not healthy - its looking for "something" to fix a situation.. The fact she would still consider taking hubby back is also a red flag..

I will also make a general statement - a healthy guy who wants a relationship will run a mile from people who are still hung up on their ex - and you can tell very quickly from date 1.. A guy just after sex may tell you what you want to hear, but he doesnt care, as he doesnt plan on sticking around.

The LBS needs to take a long hard look at what went wrong - in a lot of cases, the red flags were there with the ex, but ignored becuase they knew no better.. If they want another relationship, they need to reflect on their previous mistakes and ensure this doesnt happen with the new person they are dating. - This process will not happen if you havent sorted your self out - you will skip the hard work, fall in "LUV", while everybody else just knows the red flags were there and its a car crash waiting to happen.

And to answer the final question - yes - as the cheating ex doesnt do any work on themselves.. THey jump right into the next relationship without reflecting on their issues - only for their issues to cause the affair to fall apart after weeks or months...

[Ginger1]

Okey dokey.

I think your missing my point. It’s not worth trying to express. I never said you were going to have sex with anyone. But they will certainly try and there goes your friendship.

I take a look inside myself every single day. And get 100% completely honest with myself .


Best of luck to you! I hope it all works out for you!

[KitCat]

I greatly appreciate everyone's viewpoint.

Going out with someone is not to get my H's attention. He lives an hour away. We have no friends or mutual contacts. We literally have no reason to keep in touch period. So how would he ever know? So we can nix it as a way to get H's attention.

I'm looking to get out and do new things.

I've recently looked into going kayaking - something new for me. One of the men I've met mentioned getting me out there and showing me the ropes. Does he have ulterior motives??? Maybe. IDK. But it will be clear that its just a fun interaction trying a new experience.

I'm not misleading anyone. I'm upfront and honest.

As far as the work. I've done a ton. And was recently recognized for it by some friends who don't know me all that well as well as those that do.

I am weighing what you have to say as well as what I know will work best for me.

No hard feelings to anyone.

[DonH]

It seems like there is a lot of confusion and nuance going on in this conversation. That’s not bad but can be confusing. I think I may know better what Ginger and for sure Steve are getting at. It very well may not be a good idea for Kit to be dating right now. I will agree that most guys, this guy included, are not looking for a platonic buddy OLD - well for me I’ve not been OLD for multiple years now - 3 or 4 other than an odd event two years ago that lead to a handful of dates with one person. I was just saying not all guys want an R or sex within the first three dates. I stand by that. But if the point is most guys are not going to go months and double digit dates or not expect some hand holding and kisses after a few dates, yes I’d agree with that. If you want a strictly platonic relationship, don’t go OLD.

It is interesting how the belief of some is, like Ginger says, all guys want immediate sex. I’ve been accused of that, even though I don’t think I do anything to indicate it. I have challenged a few on this and indeed they could not pinpoint anything I did to get this opinion. They then admitted it’s just what they think most guys want. And they could be correct but if you go in with that opinion that’s likely what you will see. To a hammer everyone is a nail. I wonder how many times I’ve been incorrectly judged like this - or how many guys Ginger has incorrectly judged? If not, it may be the Type of guys being selected.

So, yes, if looking for a Strictly platonic buddy, OLD is not the place to go. I’m just saying not all guys OLD want an R - I’d say a sizable number do not. Same goes for immediate sex, though that number falls - especially on Tinder and a few others - but we are out there. But I’m anything but a fan of OLD to begin with so take it all for what it’s worth.

[Mar252]

The most harmful lies I have ever told are the ones I have told myself.

Ginger1 - Thank you for this. It completely resonates with me and my situation.

[Traveler]

Hi KitCat,

I agree, almost every guy online dating wants either SEX or a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

(To Don's point, yes, many guys are more interested in the relationship than the sex. I do try for a kiss on date #1 and sex on date #3. I do well at dating and I've found to do otherwise hurts your chances. I was fine with the one lady I dated who held off on sex for 5-7 dates, because that's not my goal. Many women still like the validation of knowing that the guy is trying and is eager to get there eventually, lol.)

If you're genuinely looking for platonic friends to do fun things with, there are better places to checkout, for example Meetup, guided trips, or local groups doing your hobby of interest (kayaking). I say that as someone with experience whitewater and ocean kayaking, certified in the later. Online Dating to do platonic things, sounds like either leading on others, or a way to "fall" into something without facing it head on.

I wonder why the hurry to date before getting over your ex.

[KitCat]

Hi KitCat,

I agree, almost every guy online dating wants either SEX or a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

(To Don's point, yes, many guys are more interested in the relationship than the sex. I do try for a kiss on date #1 and sex on date #3. I do well at dating and I've found to do otherwise hurts your chances. I was fine with the one lady I dated who held off on sex for 5-7 dates, because that's not my goal. Many women still like the validation of knowing that the guy is trying and is eager to get there eventually, lol.)

If you're genuinely looking for platonic friends to do fun things with, there are better places to checkout, for example Meetup, guided trips, or local groups doing your hobby of interest (kayaking). I say that as someone with experience whitewater and ocean kayaking, certified in the later. Online Dating to do platonic things, sounds like either leading on others, or a way to "fall" into something without facing it head on.

I wonder why the hurry to date before getting over your ex.

As I've pointed out earlier meet up is NOT a thing in my area... its dead/dud and no go.

I'm not expecting to date some guy like a dozen times and NOT sleep with him. I'm just not going with the idea that I'm going to be exclusively dating someone 12 times.

I see no issue meeting with someone and having a date or two and see if it clicks or works. Nothing there then move on. Perhaps given my current state of healing I'm not clicking with anyone. BUT - I'm very good at being honest about where I am at. I am not hiding anything. I am not offended when someone says that not for them.

I might go out on a date for drinks one evening after work and then totally come home hating the entire thing. But this is the path I think I need to go for now.

This may have had a different ending if not for COVID. I spent months in isolation. I am recognizing that I'm dealing with some serious brain rot. Clearly an issue of circumstance has not helped my situation. I've worked hard to manage my depression - meds, working out, etc but coming home every night to an empty house for multiple months has not helped. I'm the biggest introvert on the planet. My happy place is my home. I'm completely comfortable with my own company but I realize I have reached a huge breaking point. I need to get out and be social and that admission from someone who is such a huge introvert is something I need to take seriously.

I don't have a lot of options where I live.