WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

[BL42]

Steve85/Gekko/sandi2/Hope97,

BL! I like this. Focus on what you can control (yourself, not others)!

Thanks Steve. I'm trying.

Sorry to read about the OM2 sitch BL42. No sane person would advocate that the sleepovers when the kids are there are a good idea. But as others have said, you cannot control W and OM2 on this one. Detach.

Thanks. Yeah...it's crazy. Do whatever you want on your "free" time, but wait 6 months for introductions let alone sleepovers. It's wrong. This weekend she dumped the kids off for a sleepover at her moms to have an overnight with OM2, even though she had the week before and after without the kids. Why not adjust the schedule with OM2 and spend time with your kids the weekend you have them? Crazy. So out of character for her a year ago...or so I thought.

You sound like a great Dad. Keep it up. Your kids have one Dad and that's you. They are very young with alot to learn. Saddle up for the long haul and be their foundation.

Thanks. Not to brag, but I am. I'm crushing it, and that's been a big positive in all this. I've loved the 1:1 time with my kids.

Don't spin about the summer vacation with OM2. Summer is a long way off and alot can happen before then, not just between W and OM2 but with your own growth and detachment. One day at a time buddy.

I hear ya...obviously a lot can change in 6 months. Didn't want any of this to happen, just trying to do everything I can to mitigate the impact to the kids at this point.

Get an exercise program going. Lift if you can. The iron is great medicine.

That's one area I've been lacking. I've lack the exercise drop off and the pounds creep back. Need to make the effort in the gym to stay fit, even if kids and work have been the priority.

That sitch is one example of the tension between wanting to speak out and knowing that doing so is unlikely to change anything. Here's the thing - issuing orders or directives to do/not do something where you cannot control the outcome is pointless, smells like weakness and leads to further disrespect and not being taken seriously. You understand this. However, expressing disapproval of an inappropriate situation without any directive or threatened consequence is something different. If done properly - calmly, matter-of-factly, with control - it does not have the same downsides IMO.

I bring this up not to urge you to speak out to your W re the sleepovers but to just address the issue more generally as it can be debated as to whether "STFU if i can't control the outcome" is the best play in all circumstances. It's the safe play for sure as it eliminates the downside risks. But for those who are at or can get to the point of emotional control and calm inner strength, expressing disapproval of actions that they strongly disagree with (particularly when it comes to their kids) actually shows strength. Detachment does not equate to head in the sand and ignorance of bad behavior that affects your kids.
Hang in there man, you're on the right track.

It's good to have a line. It's going to be different for everyone, but we can't let the fear of 'losing them' override good common sense and protection of our kids. If we live in the realm of "the M is dead", fear can't dictate our choices and motivations.

Gekko/97Hope - Thanks for weighing in! I appreciate it. Your posts are in the same vein here. I agree there is a line, but not sure I've figured out the right balance yet. 97Hope's example of driving drunk with the kids in the car is a clear violation of that line. Others, like OM2 sleeping over (which I think is flat out wrong) or screen time/nutrition for the kids (which I I'm not thrilled about) doesn't even seem to merit consideration from the Ls/Judges. I would like to speak out about OM2 sleeping over "in mommy's bed" a month after she moved out, but that's already been happening for quite awhile, so what's the point now. I don't agree the kids should be eating sweets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner or watching the ipad for 5-6hrs/day when they're with her, but what can I do? The courts don't care, and she obviously doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. An example is S5 came over for "virtual school" a few Fridays ago and was exhausted - couldn't focus or finish any of his tasks and the teacher returned several assignments (it's Kindergarten, so they're letters, numbers, basic reading and math) - so I asked him why he was so tired and he said he woke up last night and watched the iPad. I confirmed looking at the battery/usage settings he was up 2:30-5am watching videos, and that he watched 5hrs and 6hrs the two weekend days he was with her. So, I naively mentioned something to wife thinking she might be considered and she said "oh yeah, he couldn't sleep so I gave him the iPad". So what can I do? The courts don't care unless it's heroine or physical abuse, and obviously W is fine with it. SO I have to let go. I will however, to both of your points, trying to pick that line, and maybe as time goes on we can co-parent a bit more effectively.

The thing about Valentines Day is that people allow a calendar date to emotionally pressure them. Another source has said how hard it is for single people, b/c others will ask them about their Valentine plans, or what they got for Valentines day, etc. I just think it's a consumer holiday, and it's gotten out of control. I think it causes more problems than blessings.
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Valentines day is in memory of St. Valentine, who was a Roman saint..........Just like St. Patrick's Day is about an Irish saint. Look at who is making money from these holidays. Christmas & Easter are big money making holidays, too.
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BL42, I commend you for not allowing this date to dictate that you have to celebrate in some romantic way.

Thanks sandi! I feel the same way. Not sure my W does though lol. I've given some extraordinary gifts to her (and other people) many times at random dates simply because I get a great idea, but then I don't always go overboard for the "calendar" Holidays either, and I think that was a disappointment for W at times. Something I should probably be more attuned to of in the future.

As for St. Patrick's Day, my family has a strong Irish heritage so it was always a big deal in my house growing up but not because of presents - I've been to Mass many a St. Patrick's Day.

[BL42]

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