One thought has started to creep in my head over the past week. Do I love my W Or do I love M, family, unity and the trappings of family life?
Im worried with what I am thinking, it seems to be the latter. I love the idea of family life and I can't honestly say I love who my W has become, I can't get on board with this new person.
If she is this new person, cold/no integrity/no affection then she is not fulfilling my needs in a M. I don't want to be with someone who can't compliment me.
Is this line of thinking usual?!
Yes, went through that myself as well. I came to a crossroads in my own heart and mind about whether I loved my W, or whether I loved the idea of her, loved what we had, and loved the romantic idea of a lifelong commitment and having the family intact for my D. I think most LBSs react to the idea that what they know is disappearing. That what their norm and what they've grown comfortable in has suddenly been ripped away.
It is really no different than when someone loses a job. Often times they had grown stale in the job. Were no long happy with the job, were considering leaving the job. But when you get called in and let go you suddenly think it was the best job ever and they are devastated and feel like their world just collapsed. LBSs are the same way. Most of them were unhappy themselves leading up to BD, but once BD occurs they suddenly think their WAS is the greatest spouse ever and that losing them will be the end of the world.
This is very common. We deal with it almost with every LBS that comes here. And while I have no doubt that they love their WAS to some level, if they had the undying, infinite love for their WAS that they come here claiming, likely they wouldn't be in their sitch. (This is just a general statement, I know some WAS are going to walkaway and/or cheat no matter how incredible their LBS was, but I think that is by far the exception than the rule.)
This is a really relatable analogy Steve85, thankyou for sharing your experience too. This forum has really provided me with confidence and strength to stay consistent and confident.
Over the past 48 hours I have been reading Love Languages and I can categorically say that my mind is swimming with information. Too much information possibly in such a short period of time. To that end I'm going to put the books down for a few days and just keep the basic db'ing.
As suggested I have dropped the idea of saving my marriage right now. It is over.
I met with my employer again today to gain further support to lift my full time working hours and to understand how I can expedite and support this application in the current climate. I also put a spreadsheet together with all costs associated with living after D alongside mortgage affordability. Life after D does not look as bad as I once thought.
Meeting with a friend tommorrow which I am looking forward to. All in all I am feeling good and overall positive about my future.
Nothing wrong with taking a break from everything. I know I need mental health breaks from time to time. I would spend every waking hour reading and watching self-improvement, anti-D technique sources for weeks on end. At some point you have to just step away and go GAL outside of the sitch and information related to it. For me it was going and making holes in paper targets (gun range). Find your escape and use it when necessary.
I like your paragraph on realizing things aren't the end of the world post D. Knowledge is power. I tell LBSs that are scared all the time that one of the best things I did in my sitch was to contact a good D attorney. Even if you never have to use the knowledge, it is peace of mind having it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks. WW has been moving 100mph towards D. Most nights during the last few weeks she has tried to engage in R talks around D and Lawyers. Going out, GAL really has helped me to deal with the majority of these requests as I have been 'busy' and my response to her has been to schedule this in when we are both free. We have sat down on an agreed date/time to discuss childcare arrangements and financial settlement. I know this is a lot of talk, but her actions of putting together financial spreadsheets and childcare arrangements have shown her intentions are set.
Over the past few weeks my detachment has been tested. It is no where near good enough! The first childcare chat was very emotional and I felt defensive, not where I wanted to be. The second meeting a few days later I was much more composed. We have agreed childcare moving forward which is positive. I have work to do.
Steve 85 has previously given good advice on detachment including some sources. I am continually reflecting this. I do feel that I have stepped a little over the line of being cold in the attempt to try and reach a safe level of detachment, which is wrong. I know this is not loving detachment. I'm trying to show kindness and courtesy to my WW because I don't currently feel capable of showing love at this stage because of how she has disrespected our M, children and Me. We are still living IHS which is really tough mentally and really tests detachment as it doesn't allow for a 'bad' day or any slip ups.
I'm afraid I recently slipped up a couple of days ago in a R talk, on my initiation, which I am really annoyed about. It did not go well. I look back, and even during the talk I was screaming inside my head to stop! Ffs.
What is done is done, the positive is that it has made me reset and continue dB principles and sandi's rules.
I am under no illusion at this point - M is over.
I have no idea if WW is still in fantasy of living with OM or if she is now just WAS - in the fantasy of living a single life. Either way, it just does not matter thinking.
Look I know Steve is big on detachment but it’s not something you do it’s is something that happens over time. If you look at his post above that clearly shows he wasn’t detached. Just do you and take care of your kids and get her out of the house as soon as possible and then you will detach overtime. It won’t happen while your still in the same house. Don’t worry about being too cold it really doesn’t matter right now.
This is a journey with no shortcuts. Keep moving forward.
My mind has been weaker, searching for answers over the past couple of days, which is really not helpful. I had noticed how W appears to be no longer in an EA/PA but this could have been for a couple of reasons (it's gone deeper underground / and I am no longer looking for it).
Questions such as ' is my WW now back as a WAS' Does this now change how I am around her?
Not really sure, but I take your advice LH - staying the course, forward.
Lplates, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to DBing. Very few have ever DB'd perfectly.
On detachment, I am on record as saying that it is a WiP. You don't wake up one day detached. It takes time and effort. The key is to stop reacting to what she says and does. Even if you have to make an excuse to walk away (sounds like you've done that well). Eventually your emotions will follow suit. Fake it until you make it.
When I first worked on detaching I'd be screaming on the inside, but in the outside I was cool as a cucumber. That's the key. Get good at that and you'll be surprised at how much calmer you stay inside over time.
It's kind of like what happened to me this deer season. On opening day I grunted a bug buck to within 25 yds. He stopped to far into a shooting lane and I was unable to get a shot. I then accidently triggered an arrow as I looked for another shooting lane. The big scampered away unharmed. My heart was thumping out of my chest the whole time. This past Saturday I grunted another big buck to within 20 yds. I calmly executed the shot. It was perfect and he went no more than 25 yds. I was amazed at how calm I remained this time and fully believe it was because of the experience from 17 days earlier.
Likewise emotional detachment and remaining calm will become more natural to you over time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve85, great analogy - that resonates with me.
I do try and do things 'perfectly' which inevitably means I make things tough for myself and I guess those around me. I'm learning lots here, lurking and reading many of the current newcomers posts.
Thank you all for your time and lessons, I am truly grateful and indebted to be part of this community.
W has been very cold, distant and intent on pursuing divorce over the week. On the whole I have been dbing seemingly well however still a few slip ups occur when W confronts with D talk. Most nights when I return from GAL or settle down W will find a reason to try and engage to attempt D talks. I have been direct in stating D talks are to be had on agreed times when we are both free at mutually agreed times.
W has been filling in the online form for D. She has sent me the wording used to file, which we agreed she would do, there are no surprises when the petition hits the doormat next week or so.
She is doing the filing as I have previously stated that I didn't want a D and she would need to D me. (and pay court fees for it)
W wanted to discuss wording but I requested she email it. (gives me time and space to read without emotional reaction) I could feel an emotional rush of sadness and wish to reverse the whole process - which isn't in my control to do so! Crazy how the brain functions. My logicical brain knows D is the right route now. W is not who I believe she was or what I thought or wish for in a R. She has shown no remorse and I feel relief when she is not at home. IHS is so forking hard!
Quick question :
How do I respond to the wording? It's all a pack of lies however it is her reality and I can't change or take that away. I want to say:
'Thank you for sending this over. Whilst I wish we could have had the opportunity to continue to work on the relationship, I do hope you find the happiness you seek. I wont challenge these statements you have written'
Is this too much? I feel this point s a pinnacle point at which there needs to be a marker - she's about to make things formal.
I say you hire a good D attorney and have him peruse it. D is a legal proceeding and you need legal expertise to successfully navigate those waters. It is just like you had car failure, and your W wanted to diagnose it with you. Wouldn't it be better to have a professional come in and do it properly? My W was on the "online D" bandwagon. I think WW especially want a quick, easy, D. My W was also willing to wave all of her rights to our assets! Either that was to make things easier (uncontested D) or to ease her guilt about what she was doing. IDK. But what I can tell you is that when I told her we would be splitting everything 50/50, including custody, me selling the house to split the equity, etc, it took some air out of her balloon. When she found out I had consulted an attorney that took whatever air was left in the balloon and blew it out like a tornado.
D is her thing. But that doesn't mean she gets to dictate to you how it will be done. You have rights. You have an obligation to yourself. You need to hire a lawyer and make sure those rights and that obligation is covered.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
