Current situation feels very strange, perhaps dark???? between W and I.
For my part I now need to concentrate on full time hours for work and/or applying for a new job that offers this or even getting a second job. I can feel myself making excuses, but I just need to crack on and bite the bullet. I have taken the necessary steps with my current employer to move to full time but due to current climate this may take a few months.
So next step - laptop is out and I will take the first step of polishing my CV and covering letter.
My stance is that I'm doing this is for me and to support my children.
W is making sporadic statements like ' how much is left on the mortgage to pay off' and '' I know I'm a lot further ahead in my thinking than you'. I know she has met with a mortgage advisor to understand what she can afford on her own.
Yesterday evening and this morning has been tough. I have been calling friends and family to just have normal conversations and lift my spirits, work has been a nice change with adult conversations.
W was very combatative when she came home from work yesterday. She made a few sly comments a couple of times in an attempt to pull me into a fight. I did have to stop at one point as she was attempting to start an argument and say ' you are being very combatative which is absolutely unnecessary, do not talk to me like that, I will not accept it.' she nodded and we carried on with the children's evening routine. I have had to stop myself thinking 'why and what have I done to deserve this ongoing resentment, I truly have only tried my best over the past few years. (disclosing this as these were my true inner thoughts) I know this victim statement is not helpful, my W has a view and this is her absolute reality. I respect that, don't agree with it, but need to now let it go to detach from that waste of a thought.
*Feels cathartic writing it and letting it go*
Later on in the evening she changed her tune and was projecting a chirpy and upbeat mood. Throughout I am maintaining a seemingly content, nonchalant and easy mood.
Again, I'm trying to slow things down but W this morning stated 'I get paid tommorrow let's meet about finances tonight' I replied, 'sure, sounds good' but I am very wary that she may attempt to discuss S & D including house sale and financial mediation rather than the monthly day to day finance meet that we would normally have towards the end of the months.
I am finding W very hard to be around when not GAL.
*Updates to follow*
Remember, you do not have to give answers. "I need more time to process everything." is a perfectly acceptable answer. State you don't have an answer for her at this time, then listen and validate.
Gigi, thanks for sharing your experiences. It really helps me navigate this waters and provides me confidence that this madness/turmoil is somewhat common occurrence in these sitches.
Updates to follow, but for now, a game of bowling with the little ones :-) life still has some special moments!
As suspected last nighs' run of the mill' monthly finance discussion took a heavy turn. W stated she wanted to split finances further so that she could start to see how it would be exactly when we live apart. I listened to this, nodded and told her I wasn't ready yet, I was dealing with a lot and needed time to process. W then pushed how long time because we needed to get things rolling as we can't just let it sit as it is. I told her that I needed time to process and that I would not discuss that tonight. Just the day to day finances. I decided at this point to say ' I know you want a D, I am processing all this information with current work situation and home, you need to give me time. Again W pushed, how long time and I replied, I cannot answer that question, I don't know. We did agree that we would continue getting the house ready for sale in the new year. I I got the impression that W was ticking things off a list of things to do, it felt very calculated from her part. I suspect she has a timeline but she seems to be pulling everything forward and trying to complete everything now, for peace of mind perhaps? Control?
W again stated that the children have questioned her about sleeping in another room. I listened and commented that they had not spoken to me about this but validated that she has noticed it and I recognised she wishes to tell them. At this time I wished to delay this until we have thought more about how. She agreed that we do this after financial mediation completed.
I attempted to wrap the conversation up as peacefully as possible but could see that during the conversation her face was flushing red and pupils dilating when I responded. I could see emotions were high for W. She also commented that I should have IC to help process this as she has e ough support at work and is confident with the D decision she has made. She doesn't want or need IC.
I lapsed a little here (emotion surge) I am afraid! Just a little,but i think I pulled it back at the last minute! I commented that she may find it useful for herself to engage a IC to help navigate telling the children, and I commented that I felt happy she had good support at work.
It is clear she absolutely is set on D. When speaking about the children and telling them I could see she became a little teary eyed. She probed the question again about child custody being 50/50, almost testing the water to see if there is any conflict. I have made it clear over all this time, everything we do, discuss and agree needs to be for the benefit of the children. I reiterated that point.
During the conversation W mentioned she was getting a lot of support from her colleagues at work (all of whom are either divorced or stated they want to divorce a I believe are observing W go through to see the outcome ) I believe she gets a lot of ill advice from here which is providing her confidence to move forward with D with no other avenue.
I have come away from this discussion with much less hope for a future reconciliation. I have probably bought 3 weeks more time until larger financial discussions need to commence, or do I attempt to delay again?! Seems like it is fueling rage inside W (based on red flushes to face and dilated pupils!)
I guess I ask the question if there is a cut off point where I continue forward with D proceedings and properly allow W to run at her speed, rather than slowing the pace down?
You have to open the caged door and let her go. Don’t slow down the process but don’t take the lead. It seems like you’re trying to control the situation and if you were viewed as a control freak you are making matters worse.
If you want to reconcile then you are in a waiting game and there is nothing you can do right now to stop the snowball rolling down the hill.
It’s a marathon and not a sprint and the gun just went off.
Absolutely agree with LH here, let her go, the only reason i would delay is for You to re group and understand where you are financially and what you can afford and what this might look like. Knowledge is power i would suggest getting financial advice here and well as legal.
Remember, believe nothing she says. She will say whatever she needs to at the moment to further her own cause. She is set on D. Great.....you'll know this for sure when she goes and files. So many WASs talk about D, being set on D. Guess who usually ends being the one to file for D? The LBS. WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to actually filing for the D. LBSs usually end up getting tired of waiting for action and then go take it on themselves to move things forward.
All she is doing is talking right now. TALK TALK TALK. I still think a lot of this is waiting for you to blink and let her back into the MBR. That could be why her emotions were so high. She doesn't want to be discussing any of this (finances, talking to the kids, etc) but is feeling like her hand is being forced by your decisive actions to kick her out of the MBR.
I don't even know if I believe that the kids are asking her about the sleeping arrangements! From what you've told us previously she has been most disengaged from the family and the kids. So why would the kids ask her and not you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You have to open the caged door and let her go. Don’t slow down the process but don’t take the lead. It seems like you’re trying to control the situation and if you were viewed as a control freak you are making matters worse.
If you want to reconcile then you are in a waiting game and there is nothing you can do right now to stop the snowball rolling down the hill.
It’s a marathon and not a sprint and the gun just went off.
I’m sorry!
You are absolutely on the money here! I need to open the door, it feels like I am trying to hard to slow things down and change the course. Thank you for highlighting.
In regards to control, this is a really interesting point. I have reflected on this over the past few months.
My father was very controlling in the family and I recognise some of these traits in me. Whilst I haven't actively sought to control my W many day to day things like finances, I have from day one, taken ownership of. My W always seemed happy not to have to deal with this side of things and commented she always left this to me, but on reflection I should have encouraged her to step forward and do it. Not rushing in and taking charge is an area for me to develop and giving the other person a chance to step forward and take the reigns.
Absolutely agree with LH here, let her go, the only reason i would delay is for You to re group and understand where you are financially and what you can afford and what this might look like. Knowledge is power i would suggest getting financial advice here and well as legal.
Thanks gigi,
Really good points, I spoke to a family solicitor and financial advisor to assess my current switch a couple of months ago.This really helped me lose the fear of D. Knowledge is power and I advocate anyone to do the same, no matter where they are on their journey here.
Remember, believe nothing she says. She will say whatever she needs to at the moment to further her own cause. She is set on D. Great.....you'll know this for sure when she goes and files. So many WASs talk about D, being set on D. Guess who usually ends being the one to file for D? The LBS. WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to actually filing for the D. LBSs usually end up getting tired of waiting for action and then go take it on themselves to move things forward.
All she is doing is talking right now. TALK TALK TALK. I still think a lot of this is waiting for you to blink and let her back into the MBR. That could be why her emotions were so high. She doesn't want to be discussing any of this (finances, talking to the kids, etc) but is feeling like her hand is being forced by your decisive actions to kick her out of the MBR.
I don't even know if I believe that the kids are asking her about the sleeping arrangements! From what you've told us previously she has been most disengaged from the family and the kids. So why would the kids ask her and not you?
Steve85, believe nothing she says. Yes! Thanks for the reminder!
The snowball is rolling, I need to get out the way and let it roll.
I will not be approaching my W regarding finances, but when this resurfaces in a week or so I just need to give my W the opportunity to act on what she is saying. Time will tell I guess.
I observe that my W has absolutely withdrawn, switched off and seems set on D. I am dbing and finding it hard not to withdraw myself. In the evenings, mostly I go out or am not in the presence of W. I.e Long dog walk , read a book, meet friends or workout/run or crossfit so I am not about for those R talks which W wishes to initiate constantly at the moment.
I have no idea if W is still in contact with OM and, it feels strange saying this but I don't really care now. I'm not checking or looking for the signs or signals/deception etc. Wife has been drinking a lot more (not wasted, but much more than she ever has - self medicating /quick 'happy' fix)
I have been working, polishing up my CV and seeking full time employment at work - likely to take a couple of months to achieve in current climate and I like what I do, but i am also actively looking for other jobs.
I have been looking at new houses and, specifically today, I have begun to work through how coparenting in two houses will work on a 3:3:4:4 schedule. This has been good to prepare for the next steps, so it's not too daunting.
It's a fine balance as I have a responsibility around children too, so there is a fine line with GAL and child responsibility (all be it, they are sleeping in the eve) W tends to watch TV/on phone or laptop for the evenings. That must be lonely - I do question whether it is more damaging that I am not present, as surely my W must think this is a reason why she is unhappy and that she doesn't have a connection with me? I remain confident in the dB system, but pouring out my honest thoughts.
W is taking kids to see her family today, when I finish work I will be GAL'ing.
