Dating before your learned to be happy yourself, moved in from your WAH, and put in the work to be ready to move in healthy and happy is putting a bandaid on a severed limb. You've give your own way on most things so I don't expect you to take the advice, but it is really a bad idea. The best way to complicate things with a WAS is to introduce another person into the mix. Especially since I have no doubt that if your H said "Let's get back together" you'd do it in a second.
To each their own.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Dating before your learned to be happy yourself, moved in from your WAH, and put in the work to be ready to move in healthy and happy is putting a bandaid on a severed limb. You've give your own way on most things so I don't expect you to take the advice, but it is really a bad idea. The best way to complicate things with a WAS is to introduce another person into the mix. Especially since I have no doubt that if your H said "Let's get back together" you'd do it in a second.
To each their own.
I know how to be on my own - I was single mom for 8yr. I did not date at all for 5yr. I focused on my young child and myself. These days my son is off to college so he doesn't need me so much.
I've been getting out. Occassionally with friends but I'm not against going out on adventure on my own. I go to several state parks and hike - alone. I will go to festivals - alone. I will sign up for painting class, a drink mixer class - alone. But all that alone time is leaving me to be totally in my head and overthinking EVERYTHING.
I need to get to not be so focused on me. I need interaction and challenges for growth.
I'm not even sure what I will do and when. Right now I'm just in communication with potential "matches". One person right off the bat stated he would relocate for me and a serious relationship. I just replied thank you but I'm just getting out and dating again due to change of life circumstance and that perhaps I'm not the person for him.
I'm getting lots of interest from guys several states away - uh hello, how is that going to work? I'm polite and friendly but that is already a situation that isn't going to go anywhere.
Maybe I never go out on a single date. I'm not into leading anyone on for any reason. But, I do know after being stuck here so much with Covid that I'm about bat s*it crazy. I have to try something.
We can agree that what I have been doing isn't working... this is my something different.
I also hate to break it to you, as someone on the OLD scene longer than I care for.....
Men aren’t on there for a “let’s just go out to dinner and go hiking” they want 2 things
1) sex 2) a relationship.
They have no desire To go out and spend money with a separated woman if none of those are on the table.
They aren’t looking for a bestie
Well hate to break it to you but that was NEVER me... ever... Even prior to getting married I was always the kind of girl who was adventurous in doing things but its called dating... not every shoe you try on fits well.
Dating has potential.
Just because you date me doesn't me 1) you'll get sex and 2) this is a relationship. Frankly thats what got my H's attention. I didn't just sleep with him. I had values and thing I needed to be true.
Sure 12yr ago I had lots of first dates - it was fun, an adventure. And, believe it or not 3 of those men are FB friends, have been and we still keep in light contact. They were all nice great guys, just not my great guy.
I'm never mislead anyone.
I'm equally capable of picking up the tab on a date.
MEN are not online to hang out with a seperated woman. They are online for either sex or a relationship. Not for an adventure buddy
That has nothing to do with you will do or not do.
It’s what they are looking for.
So the odds of getting what you are looking for are slim to none. And you will probably have more dates then you care where a guy wants one or the other and you are looking for neither.
Which is not a friend to dine with .
These men don’t want friends to dine with or hike with whether or not you are picking up the tab.
So what you are looking for, isn’t going to found online
I don't know what I would do if H wanted to come back at this point.
I'm not the only person hurt over all this stupid crap. He would have to first make amends to that person.
I would tell him - I don't really know at this point, things have changed quite a bit.
Which from what I read here is exactly what I'm supposed to say to him anyway.
However, all that is a mute point as I've been told over and over he is not coming back. That he is done. So the whole what if thing shouldn't even exist if what you and everyone else is saying to me.
I will admit that my H has not show one bit of leaning in toward me. Yes, he has done some confusing stuff - offering things, bringing home made dog treats, drunk calling and all concerned about where/what I was doing. But, that's not really leaning into me and our M.
MEN are not online to hang out with a seperated woman. They are online for either sex or a relationship. Not for an adventure buddy
That has nothing to do with you will do or not do.
It’s what they are looking for.
So the odds of getting what you are looking for are slim to none. And you will probably have more dates then you care where a guy wants one or the other and you are looking for neither.
I often agree with Ginger but in this case I don’t think she could be more wrong. I guess I can only really speak for myself but I’d be more than happy to go on dates without sex and especially without an R having to be in the table. I may be cautious of someone only separated and would not allow myself to get too involved but I’d love to have someone to just go out with. I have to believe there are other guys like me. Might they want sex much sooner than me, perhaps. An R? I guess but it’s not at all a hard and fast yes.
I Keep getting told that I’ll not find a woman NOT looking for a LTR or M yet others say they are out there. Now saying that ALL guys want sex and an R is just simply not true. Not saying Kit should or should not date at this point. I’ve not followed this thread enough to have an opinion. If separated I’d have to say it’s not a good idea but to say she won’t find guys OLD just looking to casually date is just NOT TRUE. From what I’ve been told there are too many guys OLD that fall into this category. Yeah they may want sex on date 1 or 2 but she can say no. Not all guys want an I immediate R nor do all women. So why do many keep claiming this is the case? I’d love a causal date with someone I find interesting. Some level of physical contact or interaction is expected in time but it does not need to be immediate sex. It’s finding someone I find interesting who I’m attracted to that I find difficult. Maybe it’s the guys you've been choosing that all fall into these categories, Ginger? But it’s not all guys.
Just be honest about what you are expecting and looking for.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Completely agree, DonH. Ginger massively missed the mark here. If a man made a sweeping negative generalization about women who do online dating, he’d get hung, drawn and quartered.
So proud of you KitCat for not changing your standards. If what you want is dating without those expectations, stick to your guns, and make it clear from the outset.
As to whether you’re ready for that sort of stuff yet and your level of disconnection from your ex, I haven’t read your whole sich... but then probably most people on this site can’t help you work that out. That’s probably the sorta thing best left to a professional. Why don’t you make and appointment or two with someone and talk it out? They might be able to help identify if you’re ready and give you tips on how to do it slowly and safely while you’re finding your feet again?
When someone finds a man online who has no interest in sex and no interest in relationships and is online and just wants to be friends online with women who aren’t even divorced, let me know.
Because I’m pretty sure guys online aren’t reaching out to a woman not even divorced to be just be buddies.
I hope I’m wrong and if you can, please hang me. And apologize profusely . Perhaps the men in my area are much different. Can’t say in the many men I’ve come in contact with, none of them were in there to “make friends” their purpose was to find a relationship or have sex.
But I guess it’s “on line friendship” not online dating.
It wasn’t even something negative said about men. But there are generally 2 camps. Same for women. Although I would add an extra category of women who sign up for online dating. Those who want free meals. In addition to those who want sex, and ego boost, or a serious relationship.
Very few are there for finding friends.
But hey, KK, you want to get over your husband by online dating, far be it for me to have an opinion or stop you. I tried it back when I was seperated and was still wanted my ex back. Worked horribly for me. For others, I guess it works out well.
I am going through a really rough time in my life right now. So I took myself OFF the dating sites.
But who the frig am I to judge. You do you.
And sorry for the generalization on the fact men are online to look for a partner or to have sex. Maybe there are lots who’s end game aren’t sex or a relationship. Just friends
