Please start a thread of your own so that the posters can post directly to you and provide assistance and support. It is far easier to have your own threads so that you have a place to call your own and refer back to at any given time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please start a thread of your own so that the posters can post directly to you and provide assistance and support. It is far easier to have your own threads so that you have a place to call your own and refer back to at any given time.
If you go out to the main part of the MLC forum at the top it will say New Thread - click on that and copy and paste that which you already wrote.
NZKiwi, I am sorry you are here and look forward to learning more about your situation... you have come to a good place and will undoubtedly gain some great advice and insight here.
Journaling.
I have been thinking about the conversation about anger that has been happening over on DnJ's thread. Gerda, I have no doubt that anger manifested in your body in the form of cancer. I truly believe that any emotion left unreleased can cause physical manifestations. Whether it is depression or anger. I am happy to read that you acknowledged it, that is the first step to releasing its power over you and your body.
I am getting deeper and deeper into the anger phase. I am sorry to vent, but I need to release it somehow and this feels like a safe space to me.
H is on a work trip and OW is the client.
He doesn't answer my phone calls right away (I have made two, one for an emergency and one when our child called him), which is a huge trigger to some traumatic events earlier in the year when I couldn't reach him in a true emergency.
My eldest 'ran away' yesterday over pent up anger and frustration at the S and eventual divorce.
I have been working on getting more family photos up in our house and accidentally delved into our past, where despite H's current narrative that he was never happy, I only see deep love and happiness in his eyes and body language towards me.
I am homeschooling the children alone, which I feel capable of, but it is still extremely hard. And I am trying to finish decorating our house from our recent remodel, executing business ideas so I have a future income, and heal from all the grief and pain of my situation. Oh, and reinvent myself completely. Each of these tasks alone is enough at one time, but I am doing it all at once.
Our old dog is dying and has become incontinent. This dog was our first child, but of course I am the one left wiping bums and washing dog beds and the floors three times a day.
H complained that our communal friends seemed distant to him and asked what they knew. I told him what I had shared with the wives (the basics, never threw him under the bus), but inside I wanted to scream at him "those men are family men who value their children and families above all else. None of them have perfect marriages or have been perfectly happy over the years, but they know the true value of the commitment to family. You breaking up your family in a quest for happiness is not a good look, H."
H has started worrying about finances, something that I was worried about from the beginning when he rented an expensive home and kept his expensive sports car payments. I am financially protected from his decisions, but unfortunately nothing happens in a complete bubble, so it impacts me indirectly too. What other foolish decisions am I going to be 'paying' for in the coming months and years?
And because misery loves company, as my anger increases, so too do the memories of all the horrible things that I have been told over the past year. I was too broken at the time to register it as abuse, but now I am able to see it for what it is and I am angry at H AND myself for allowing myself to be treated like that.
---
I am shocked by the depths of my anger, it is not a familiar emotion for me. But in some ways, she's a pleasant bedmate as I navigate through this whole process. I kind of like her fire and motivation. The sadness and confusion were the hardest to bear for me so far, although I know that I will still have a range of emotions ahead of me.
Although I acknowledge this festering vitriol inside of me, I do feel like I am able to feel these things and then let them go.
---
And finally, H told me the other day when we were talking about the fact that I didn't see this coming, that I felt blindsided by all of this: 'that's the reason; you didn't pay attention to the signs.'
Despite me checking in regularly with him to make sure he and we were both happy, heading in the direction we both wanted etc. We have always had at least one very intentional 'state of the union' and goal-making sessions a year, where we would go away for the night and talk about all the things going right and wrong in our life and what to do about them. We also were honest (or so I thought) about our deepest feelings with and toward one another on a regular basis.
I asked him how I was supposed to know if every time we had a conversation, he said 'things are fine, I'm just stressed-tired-overwhelmed with work' and then we would go on to make big plans like travel or a major home remodel. Was I supposed to mind read?
I know that questioning this is likely an exercise in futility, but finding some common ground with others in this same situation makes me feel more grounded and less crazy.
Sage, I'm so sorry that you're feeling the pressure of so many things happening at once. You have every right to be angry.
I was just listening to a podcast about anger when I was driving the kids to school this morning. Anger is a valid emotion. It exists in us to alert us to injustice and then it can energize us to respond to that injustice. I think what you're doing it great - examining the causes and coming to terms with it.
Recognizing the past abuse from our Hs is one of the most difficult things to process. You couldn't have "allowed" it to happen if you didn't know what was happening. I think it's important to free yourself from that burden. Same thing with H commenting that you didn't pay attention to the signs. No amount of checking in and sign giving would have salvaged the situation. That's a cop out on his end. For him to place that burden on you, is wrong and unjust.
When I sense anger sprouting, I slow down my pace and find little enjoyments in life that would prop me up. Either go to the gym and physically releasing the energy, or it could be as simple as skipping cooking dinner and order take out. If my kids are not driving my crazy, they might even help simmer down my anger with their butt jokes. lol.
Sage, I so identify with this (well, and pretty much everything else you wrote):
Originally Posted by "Sage4"
And because misery loves company, as my anger increases, so too do the memories of all the horrible things that I have been told over the past year. I was too broken at the time to register it as abuse, but now I am able to see it for what it is and I am angry at H AND myself for allowing myself to be treated like that.
I just finished writing on my thread that I had anger early on after BD about, well, BD and H's behavior. But reading this makes me realize it's no wonder I am experiencing new cycles of anger--there is so much I wasn't able to recognize in the moment. It was all about my wanting to restore our M at first, and it's only in the last several months that I've able to see more objectively some of the ways H was treating me. It's like the anger that should have been there in the moment was delayed, and now my mind/body is wanting to retroactively set boundaries.
I love what wooba said in response.
Originally Posted by "wooba"
Recognizing the past abuse from our Hs is one of the most difficult things to process. You couldn't have "allowed" it to happen if you didn't know what was happening. I think it's important to free yourself from that burden. Same thing with H commenting that you didn't pay attention to the signs. No amount of checking in and sign giving would have salvaged the situation. That's a cop out on his end. For him to place that burden on you, is wrong and unjust.
It seems only natural that we would process all of this in fits and starts, and that some of that would entail bouts of anger. Venting here does help, doesn't it?
Finally, I'm so sorry that your dog isn't doing well. That is a hard enough thing to face and work through on its own, and when so much of the history of the R and M is tied up with him (truly, the first kid), that makes it so much harder. Sending big hugs your way.
Thinking of you. Is your H back from his work trip? I was reading through my journals from the fall and remembering how awful it was to know that H was likely with his AP, even though he was lying about it at the time. I remember him not answering the phone also, and taking a really long time to respond to texts about things like our daughter scoring a goal at her soccer game-- things I knew he'd have responded to immediately if he was alone or with work colleagues, at least a text if he couldn't answer the phone. It was awful. I know our sitches are different and you have a lot more to process right now than I did at the time-- so I am just wanting to send you hugs, I know a bit of how you feel and it is awful. You deserve every speck of anger and grief and resentment and disgust and everything else that is fighting for oxygen inside of you. It's OK. You are still an amazing, good and optimistic and beautiful person inside and out who is simply and justifiably angry.
How are the kids, your dog? How are YOU? I wanted to pop in and see how you were doing. You are always so generous and kind and empathetic when you post on my thread and others-- I always feel such a rush of relief and friendship when I see you've posted something on my thread. I want you to know how much I appreciate you and that I'm here for you, too-- so vent, sister, vomit up all the anger you need and I'll hold your hair and get you a glass of water.
xx May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Oh May, you have no idea what your post means to me. Thank you, sweet friend afar. (((May)))
Interestingly enough, my anger phase was short-lived. I mean, the anger and frustration pops its gnarly little head out briefly here and there when I am dealing with too much for one person to deal with at once. But for the most part, the anger is gone and I am trending towards compassion.
I have always relied on my intuition to help me navigate my life. I honestly don't know if it's correct until time passes, but for the most part, it has served me well.
H came home from his work trip with OW client and came over for socially-distanced birthday wishes for our birthday child. I thought he might just stop by for a minute (I suggested we meet somewhere other than my home, but he needed to grab something so I acquiesced). But it ended up being a couple of hours. I got the distinct sense that he wasn't in a good place; and my first intuitive hit was that maybe things weren't as rosy cozy with OW as I originally thought. I have absolutely no idea if I am correct or not.
Our birthday child had a meltdown over something insignificant and came in the house to cry (H was staying outside 6 feet away and masked). Child kept saying 'this isn't what I thought my birthday would be like, this isn't what I expected, we are not following the plans!' (We had written a list of all the things child was going to do that day, complete with times-- and more or less we were following the 'plans' to a T). I had this realization that it was too hard for child to have both of us there, but not together in a loving way like she wanted. So I made an effort to connect with H and be outside with him and gently shared what I believed child was going through (gently, no blame, just matter of factly).
Somehow, that erupted into a mini-fight between us, where he blamed me for dumping emotional baggage on him whenever I wanted (children were not present). He mumbled something mean and started to walk away. And I reminded him that this home is my sacred space and he can't come here and be mean to me. That my preference was to meet in a neutral place so he could have his time with birthday child and I wouldn't be triggered. So then he brought up that blasted journal that he read of mine. It was an exercise a spiritual healer gave me in April, where I was to write a present-tense list of what I was feeling and where I was at in my relationship in two years' time. It was all about H, but no names were mentioned.
H is using this as evidence that I don't love him and never have, that I had moved on, that my 'list' is evidence of that. But nothing could be further from the truth. That list was all about HIM. Where WE would be at in two years' time. In fact, during our last reconciliation attempt, I asked him a few times if I could share something with him, an exercise that I was given that I wanted him to know about and that I hoped he would do too. He didn't give me a chance to share it with him during that time period, but now it is being used against me.
Friends, what do I do? Part of me wants to write an email and say how much I have loved him, beyond anyone else in my life, for years and years. And that the list was all about HIM. And the other part of me wants to continue this new, true detachment and just shrug my shoulders and say 'nothing I say or do will change his current narrative, protect yourself, Sage'. It is hard to have this used against me, with how loving and honest the intention was (and FFS, what was he doing snooping in my journals anyway?!?!).
Help me here!
On another note, I had a 'sitting' with a psychic about my situation and the first thing that came up was that H had lifelong insecurities about being lovable and that I was the best candidate for showing H true love; that I was love incarnate, which is what my family and friends say about me. But that the skeletons in his closet meant that no one on this earth could fill that bottomless cup and I had to let him go (maybe forever, maybe until he does enough work on himself). More significantly, my dearly loved, departed dad showed up and said 'You know I am here. Detach, disassociate; not your circus, not your monkeys, Babygirl' (totally his voice, totally the words he would use, and there were other things that the person said about my Dad that no one could have known). Sob. Ever since that interaction I have felt myself move into a different place. For the first time I can interact with H and not feel anything. Not the sadness that would completely overwhelm me. Not even the anger or hatred. In fact, I feel compassion for a person who feels himself to be unlovable.
I am grateful for the detachment, whether it came from a medium, or if it was just my time, is irrelevant. Sitting in this place is helpful for me at the moment.
Friends, what do I do? Part of me wants to write an email and say how much I have loved him, beyond anyone else in my life, for years and years. And that the list was all about HIM. And the other part of me wants to continue this new, true detachment and just shrug my shoulders and say 'nothing I say or do will change his current narrative, protect yourself, Sage'. It is hard to have this used against me, with how loving and honest the intention was (and FFS, what was he doing snooping in my journals anyway?!?!).
Help me here!
It is very difficult when things, especially in unchanging written form, are used out of context and against you. (((Sage)))
You know the second choice is the best one. Detach. Nothing you say or do will change his mind; only he can change his mind and his current narrative.
His path is about him. He is in crisis and unable to handle his own emotions, never mind anyone else’s. Case in point, the wee bit of gently shared concern for birthday child was too much for him, and he came out blaming and fighting. Highlights the irrational path he is on.
Detach and continue to move forward. Indifference is most helpful.
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So I made an effort to connect with H and be outside with him and gently shared what I believed child was going through (gently, no blame, just matter of factly).
Somehow, that erupted into a mini-fight between us, where he blamed me for dumping emotional baggage on him whenever I wanted (children were not present).
I think that it would be impossible for your H to hear this without feeling the blame-- not necessarily from you, but from himself (though he might offload it onto you in his mind). If he hadn't made the choices he had, your daughter would not be crying inside on her birthday. He knows this. You know this too. I don't have advice, really, except that this leading into a fight and him going on the offense seems totally predictable.
The reading of the journal and using it to condemn you and rewrite history is so maddening and at the same time, total script-following, right? He has secrets and so assumes you do too, and snoops to find out. He reads your private journal and twists what he finds into justification for his behavior-- see, Sage never loved me! See, she has moved on!
My H has done this too-- not the snooping part but the rewriting of history, bringing up the boyfriend I had before him and claiming I've always held a candle for him, finding ways to "prove" I never loved him the way he loved me, that even now I don't love him but a idealized version of him, calling the SSM my "affair." It all comes from the same place of self-loathing and grasping at straws to build a narrative in which what he has done isn't so bad. I think you have to understand where this is all coming from. It has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with the battles raging in his own head.
What to do? If it were me, I'm sure I would write that email and say what you read was about YOU and F you for reading my private journals and F you even more for trying to make me feel bad about them. Ha. However, I don't really think that is a great idea. He isn't in a place where that has any meaning to him right now. He'll just discard that list and find the next thing to grab onto to "prove" his point, or he'll think you're lying (since he would have lied about it, he will probably assume you would too). And, one thing I read about here a lot and have observed in my own H is that their memories are TERRIBLE. So it may be useless to even try. He'll discard whatever data points don't fit his hypothesis. I wouldn't be surprised if you did write him that email that a few months down the line, if that list is still somehow part of his narrative, if he forgets that you told him it was about him and will continue to use it as "evidence" you don't love him anymore.
And think about what your dad said. Not your circus, not your monkeys. No need to prove yourself or your love to someone who doesn't speak the language right now.
As an aside, I would bet that things aren't so rosy with OW. Having MO probably puts pressure on her (she has a family too, right?) and we all know how much WASs hate pressure.
I'm glad you're feeling more balanced and less angry. I need to cultivate that feeling, still-- it comes and goes for me.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
