Need advice on stubborn W

[AKuei]

Thanks LH.

Yeah, I kept telling myself that it's a marathon not a sprint.

I'm trying to be as patient as I can, the inner demons are just sometimes pretty convincing to tell me to F it and drop the ball.

And her birthday is coming up next month. Do i still get her a present? She gifted me a big LEGO set for mine. Was thinking of getting her something nice too to reciprocate. Or is that a push? Or just a card will do?

[LH19]

You get her nothing. Don’t you see what happened when you gave her flowers. It’s pressure and pursuit.

[ovrrnbw]

Big mistake to pursue her when she is having an affair. Ask me how I know...

The best thing you can do is go no contact with her. Sounds like you have the house held down pretty good by yourself.

[AKuei]

Maybe I'll just have the kids draw up a birthday card for her and call it a day.

Yes, pressure and pursuit. Shame on me to do that.

So ovrrnbw, how you know?

[AKuei]

Journaling

Went to my IC for a session and told her about the current situation. She was saying that the only thing that me and my wife are still connected are the kids. I told her the past few weeks it felt like I was back the early stages of DDay. The IC agreed that whatever my wife is doing now is purely for her own benefits; kinda like a teenager.

My W is still slightly active in terms of the kids, nothing major, just spending a few minutes with them and off she goes to do her stuff.

I have been trying my best to detach because I'm very tired of analysing her actions and words. At this point in time, I don't even care if she has EA or PA. If she does have, that will be even better because that's my dealbreaker and I will have to start doing things to protect my kids and myself.

She is still spending a lot of money (her own money) for things to make herself feel better. A spanking new Pandora bracelet (back then she was saying it's a waste of money and now look who's talking...), a new phone with a new number (fishy fishy but who am i to judge?), new tattoos, etc, etc. These are things beyond my control so I'm keeping my mouth shut so I'm ranting here.

I don't see her hitting rock bottom anytime soon, it looks and feels like she's enjoying her life to the fullest!

On my side, I'm still spending all the time i have with my kids, bringing them out to play, cooking for them and taking care of them on a daily basis.

Back to the IC, she told me giving an open date to this situation has its pros and cons. Pros is that it will not pressure me to make any decisions out of emotions (doing nothing is something). Cons is that the resentment will keep building because she doesn't think my W is stopping her antics any time soon. Her advice to me is to keep working on myself and focus on the kids. The key thing is that whatever happens, we have to be aligned as co-parents; the marriage doesn't matter for now.

After reading so many posts in the forum, I still think I have a lot to change about myself. The advice here is counterintuitive and I have a hard time getting over it. But I believe this is for the better. As much as I would admit, my W is looking way better than she was previously because of all the makeup and change in fashion sense, I still feel a sense of revulsion whenever i see her getting ready to head out. I just can't shake off the feeling that she's such an ugly person in my world. Not sure if this is the right mindset here.

It's been 10 months since all of these hullabaloo. What a roller coaster ride.

[Taz]

Ak,

My situation resembles yours except that my boys are both in college. They were both home for about 5 months however due to COVID and W was basically nonexistent in their lives. W moved out (BD) almost a year ago. She has spent maybe 16 hours total with them in the past year.

The teenager thing definitely rings a bell. They are so self centered and only concerned about themselves. Just keep NC and being an awesome dad. Your children will see this and realize that you are the one they can rely on. Maybe she will see this too.

Stay strong you got this.

HD

[AKuei]

The teenager thing definitely rings a bell. They are so self centered and only concerned about themselves. Just keep NC and being an awesome dad. Your children will see this and realize that you are the one they can rely on. Maybe she will see this too.

Yeah, it baffles me till this day. The rewriting of history, the hostility, the self-center-ness. I'm pretty sure her justification for her behavior is because I've been treating her like dirt last time (which I beg to differ, but there's no way to win this argument)

[AKuei]

Journaling

Got blindsided by W yesterday morning. My kids came running to me excited and saying they are going to the aquarium and staying at the hotel. I have no idea this was the plan.

Went to W to confirm if I'm hearing this correctly; she's bringing the kids out and staying OVERNIGHT at a hotel?
She responded with a soft "Yeah, you can do do your own things then "

I told her with a poker face, "Look, I have a lunch appointment followed by the kickboxing session, then I'm heading home to prepare for dinner. If you're heading to the hotel, what about me? Can you at least let me know earlier if you are bringing the kids out for overnight stays? They are my kids too."

She responded with another "Yeah" and off she goes with my kids. Told my kids to have fun and listen to mommy and I didn't hear from them till now.

And my tenant (who is friends with my W), gave me a lot information about my W which I never had the intention to ask.

- W is trying to convince the tenant to move out so she can take over the spare room (meaning she wants to move out of our master bedroom)
- W is also exploring moving out of the house by the end of the year
- W is behaving extremely frustrated when out with the kids, losing her cool when the kids are not in line; and fumbling at the simplest things at times. Not sure what to make of it
- W has been spending money like no tomorrow; buying jewellery, a 2nd phone (fishy), new tattoos, tonnes of new clothes, etc
- W told her in the face she did not recall mentioning divorce. (when I heard it I nearly burst out laughing)
- W asked my D6 and D4 who they like more. D6 said dad, D4 said both (well done). Then she tried to pivot the narrative to my D6 the reason she likes me is because i let her play video games and watch youtube. Tenant stopped her immediately and told my kids you don't take sides; both are equals. This information really pissed me off.

I thanked the tenant about sharing those information and told her I cannot control what my wife thinks, feels and does. I will only control myself and make sure I put my kids and myself as priority now. if she chooses the D eventually, I will not stop her but I will not help her too. And if she wants to contest it, I will do what is best for my kids.

And now, after so many months of roller coaster ride, I'm finally at a place where I'm not thinking about reconciliation. I still love my wife very much but I don't think i can put up with this version of her. My marriage is dead 100%. It's either we start M2.0 where we both put in the effort to change (I'm not completely faultless here and I own it), or I will be a darn good second husband to someone else.

[AKuei]

Journaling

W has been evasive in joining the family for the routine dinners. Either she's working late or she has dinner appointments with colleagues and friends. She has lined up her programs to stay as far away from the kids and me as much as possible; she's even going to stay over at a friend's house over the weekend knowing fully I have classes on Saturday morning. The worst part of it is that she tend to give last minute notices; where we have already prepared the food and we are stuck with leftovers.

I took it in my stride whenever she drops the ball which I will simply replied "No worries". I shook it off and carry on with my life. I'm at this point where I'm assuming she's not eating with us so I will consciously cook lesser. I hate wasting food.

My buddies were telling me to spring a surprise video call when she stays with her friend; using my kids as a reason to making the video call. I thanked my buddies for the advise but I don't think I will do it because I don't want to use my kids as a tool for these sort of nonsense. If she cheats, she cheats. I will not snoop around to find out about it but if it falls on my lap due to her blunders then there will be consequences.

I still don't think I'm detaching enough because I have this fear that if I let go, she will take it that I'm giving up on the relationship and she's free to do whatever the hell she wants without the consequences. This fear is stopping me in my tracks. I'm not stopping her from doing anything now. It's my negative thoughts that is constantly nagging at me, "When will this madness stop? Do something man!""

"Doing nothing is something", I kept telling myself that. Physically I'm at my healthiest in my life so far; dropped more than 14KGs and stopped smoking and going for kickboxing and gym frequently. Emotionally I'm struggling like a fish out of water, flailing around gasping for breath but I do not show it in front of anyone; not even to my kids.

2020 is really a dark year so far. I really hope I can have an awakening soon so that I can breathe better and carry on with my awesome life. Putting all these nightmares behind me.

[BL42]

2020 is really a dark year so far.

That's an understatement! It's been brutal. I often hear people who don't know my sitch say that at work or in casual conversation in reference to COVID and think to myself "you have no idea...". I'm feeling more confident lately about 2021 every day though.

I really hope I can have an awakening soon so that I can breathe better and carry on with my awesome life. Putting all these nightmares behind me.

Keep focusing on you and your kids. It'll get better. I'm not fully there yet, but I can feel the difference a few months has made. You'll get there. Has to feel good to be in shape! I lost 30lbs in the few few months and was amazed how many people on here said the exact same thing (20-30lbs).