We all arrive here in pain. Pain is pain. I don't believe there is anyway any of us can compare the levels relative to others. I can only relate it relative to other experiences in my life.
For me, the bomb drop was the trigger to help release all of my unexpressed pain from the past. The pain from the death of each of my dogs. My brother passing away about 30 years ago. Those are the big ones.
"Marley and me" was another trigger. The pain and sadness I felt was in the same range. Just because it was a movie doesn't mean the pain I felt was not real. Can we all relate to that pain? Can we empathize?
Good point. In 2010 we lost three dogs, including a 2 year old that woke up and had a seizure one morning and died. That was my daughter's bday present 2 years prior. I've been through it multiple times and it never gets easier. We have a 10 year old giant breed now. Doing good for her age but I'm dreading the inevitable.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think the combination of the anniversary of BD and Christmas has me reflecting quite a bit. I've been very open about my difficult relationship with my D17. In many ways my pre-BD behavior affected her as much, if not more, than my W. My 180s that I worked so hard to implement and cement took longer for her to embrace and trust than my W took. As recently as a year and a half ago she still had a lot of bitterness and resentment built up towards me. 2 years ago my W arranged some family counseling for us. While she was recommited to the MR, we both could tell my D was still struggling with letting go of the old me, and embracing the new. My D was very resistant to the counseling, and we didn't go for long, but the C did a good job of drawing her out a bit, and we both had a couple of vulnerable moments.
Slowly she started to trust that I had changed for the better, and that it wasn't a temporary change. Over the last year especially our relationship has become much better. It hit me yesterday how far it had come as I had some errands to run. She came downstairs as I was finishing getting ready and made it clear she wanted to go with me. We went and had a good time. Last night I was thinking about that and how two years ago that would not have occurred.
And I realized that DBing was a big part of that. One of the things I learned through my sitch was that listening and validating is as important in other relationships as it is in a MR. I've shared how it has served me well at work and with friendships. And it has had an impact with my R with my daughter. And while she required a long period of consistency in my changes, I believe the most profound change has been listening to her and understanding her viewpoint. Even if I don't agree with it.
Anyway, just more reflection about this three year journey. I wish so much I had been a better husband and father all along, but I'm thankful to God for the opportunity I was given to become better in those areas. I'm far from perfect which is why I keep my nose to the grindstone and keep working at it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, Merry Christmas to all my fellow posters. I know some of your are suffering through a tough holiday season. I know my holidays in 2017 were extremely difficult. Just hang in there, try to enjoy them as much as you can, better days are ahead.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, Merry Christmas to all my fellow posters. I know some of your are suffering through a tough holiday season. I know my holidays in 2017 were extremely difficult. Just hang in there, try to enjoy them as much as you can, better days are ahead.
Thank you Steve85. It's been a horrible year for me. Hope next year is better for everyone.
Anyway, just more reflection about this three year journey. I wish so much I had been a better husband and father all along, but I'm thankful to God for the opportunity I was given to become better in those areas. I'm far from perfect which is why I keep my nose to the grindstone and keep working at it.
I am inspired by this post Steve85 and think this is something I can work on
