#17 - Being the best H and father I can be!

[BlueSea]

Steve --

"15% of people will never steal no matter what. 15% will always steal no matter what. But the other 70% of people will steal if given the right opportunity or think they can get away with it." I think a similar thing can be said of married people. Will someone cheat if they think they will not get caught? The majority unfortunately probably would.

That is just scary and I hope that's not true. How could so many commit such betrayal, even if they could get away with it? If it is true that disappoints me, and changes my view of people in general then. I would rather be a person that trusts completely and gets hurt then one that is suspiciously scanning the terrain for 'opportunities' to get away with.

It sounds like you have been working with your S across multiple offenses of EA, always standing guard to keep close eye on changes. If this is the case, then clearly you are not considered high value. Maybe working on these boards is helping you to keep your guard up, because if you don't you are constantly being reminded of what will happen... you read about it everyday here.

Its okay to sit with your feelings, and not write them off so quickly. You have 'checked the box' and worked incredibly hard on your M, if you are never allowed to stand down, how will you ever enjoy life in general? I am definitely not saying what you should do - I am a staunch supporter of marriage and trying (as you know) - but, if you want to find marital peace - then something has to change in that dynamic between you and W. She seems to be coasting and not nearly trying as hard as you are....everyday.

[SteveLW]

Steve --

"15% of people will never steal no matter what. 15% will always steal no matter what. But the other 70% of people will steal if given the right opportunity or think they can get away with it." I think a similar thing can be said of married people. Will someone cheat if they think they will not get caught? The majority unfortunately probably would.

That is just scary and I hope that's not true. How could so many commit such betrayal, even if they could get away with it? If it is true that disappoints me, and changes my view of people in general then. I would rather be a person that trusts completely and gets hurt then one that is suspiciously scanning the terrain for 'opportunities' to get away with.

It sounds like you have been working with your S across multiple offenses of EA, always standing guard to keep close eye on changes. If this is the case, then clearly you are not considered high value. Maybe working on these boards is helping you to keep your guard up, because if you don't you are constantly being reminded of what will happen... you read about it everyday here.

Its okay to sit with your feelings, and not write them off so quickly. You have 'checked the box' and worked incredibly hard on your M, if you are never allowed to stand down, how will you ever enjoy life in general? I am definitely not saying what you should do - I am a staunch supporter of marriage and trying (as you know) - but, if you want to find marital peace - then something has to change in that dynamic between you and W. She seems to be coasting and not nearly trying as hard as you are....everyday.

Thanks Blue Sea. I think the "always on" things doesn't mean I am not myself, it means that I have to be constantly working on me, constantly be working on the MR. And what I have learned is.....THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE! The reason this forum exists is because so often, one or both of the Ss in a MR stop trying. I think that is why so many more Ws become WAWs than H become WAHs. Men have a tendency to just let a R languish. As long as there is active fighting and yelling, then men can get complacent as Hs. As long as a W is working at the MR then it can survive. But the minute a W gives up on the MR, she is ready to move on (in a lot of cases, not in all obviously), and the MR is in real trouble when the W gives up.

So I stay "on" in order to continue to become a better person, a better husband, and a better father. I post here because doing so helps me continue to cement my changes. One of the things we don't talk about a lot on this particular board is the work you should be doing in Ring and piecing. I try to bring it up because I honestly do not think LBS get it. I still think a majority of them think "I get through this and things can go back to normal". As LH and I discussed a few posts back, that is the best way to end up in another BD. And in fact, that is what I lived. After BD 2005 I did just enough to get us back to "normal" and 12 years later I got BD #2 for it.

Unfortunately, BDs are like diseases. If you've ever known anyone that has fought a disease then you know that a recurrence of that disease is usually worst than the first go around. And the same is true with recurrence of sitches. In my first sitch my W immediately said she didn't want a D. In the second sitch she immediately said she wanted a D. I wouldn't doubt that if we ever had BD#3 she would immediately go file for a D. Recurrences are not uncommon because we LBSs don't continue to put in the work. And when we get a BD#2 is it usually way worse than the first.

So I stay on because to not stay on would mean I am no longer doing the work. And that would mean BD#3, which the likelihood of recovering from would be low. My W, for her part, has been willing, herself, to put the work in. Much like she did post BD#1, for the majority of the 12 years after. Most of the MR books I read post BD#2 were books she had bought and read in the 12 years since BD#1. It took her about 3 months to get back on board following BD#2, but once she did she was working at it, and continues to work at it.

Anyway, you probably didn't expect such a long post in response, but I thought it was important to get these thoughts out. Thanks again.

[Mach40]

Like Steve85 said, its a constant job, labor of love, to keep a relationship healthy..

[SteveLW]

Hey guys.

D17 has been away with various family for about a week now. Wife and I have bonded unbelievably well. I feel like a newly wed. I don't want to get graphic but she has returned to things we haven't done in 20 years. And I'm feeling so good because it includes lots of open mouth passionate kissing. I've been very open about how long it has taken for that to return. It was one of the last things to return as she had become more comfortable with my changes and feeling more secure about our future together.

If you're early on in piecing please remain patient. Stay consistent. Keep DBing. The hard work and effort is so worth it.

[BL42]

Steve85 - That's wonderful news. I've enjoyed reading through your historical threads and very happy to hear you're in a great spot right now. Keep it up, and thanks for all the insight/advice you give to other posters!

[SteveLW]

Thanks BL. It is just really amazing how far we've come. It has taken a longtime. AS, LH, R2C and others like to remind LBSs here that this is a marathon, not a sprint. And this is so true. After BD my W's love and attraction to me was dead. I've told the story about how she pointed out that when she looked at me she saw me like another guy with both knew that she had zero attraction to. It was definitely a blow to my ego. And it was something in the back of my head these 2 1/2 years that we have been piecing and Ring. I really wondered if she could ever get back to a place where she was attracted to me and could ever be in love with me again.

And while our sex life since Ring and piecing has been way better than it was for pretty much the whole of our marriage, I still wondered if I could ever get that girl back again that was so in love with me and so attracted to me and just thought that I was all that and a bag of chips. And the answer is yes, you can if you stay patient, follow the process and remain committed to your changes and consistent in them.

I could have given up at any point since we started Ring and piecing. And those that have followed my threads know that I have almost done that on a couple of occasions. That is where the patience comes in, Do nothing rash. Do not act on flights of fancy. Be consistent, committed, and stay the course.

And also require consistency from your WAS too.

[BlueSea]

Steve -

Reading your post could not have come at a better time!

I am only learning how difficult just R is much less piecing. It's a lot, especially after one feels they just got off the OW marathon and then you find yourself suiting up for another one --- with no break. This is just hard stuff, adulting on steroids, all in addition to just keeping "life" move forward (kids, work, schedules, et al). Your advice is timely because I feel like I am standing at a cross roads of two options, start the marathon or throw in the towel. Since I keep faltering on which way to go - I am defaulting and letting H's actions carry me and dictate the pace and ferocity of this upcoming marathon (he is all in for M2.0).

All this past week I have been wondering if I could ever again be "all that and a bag of chips" to my H, just like you mentioned. You have given me hope that it is possible - thank you. Your a good man Steve! thank you for sharing your journey with us - I truly have learned alot from you and your experiences.

[Ready2Change]

Wife and I have bonded unbelievably well. I feel like a newly wed. I don't want to get graphic but she has returned to things we haven't done in 20 years.

Glad to hear.

Now that you have reached a "Mini-Goal", I am sure there are more needs for both of you that can be worked towards.

One of my mantras:
As the man, I am in charge of the romance and sex department.

I attempt to keep every interaction unpredictable and as exciting for her as possible. I try to change things up as much as possible. I talk about things that will happen in the future. I guage her response. I listen to her response. I ask her about previous encounters. "Tell me what you enjoyed the most about last night?" type questions. Be prepared for the same questions back at you. Or "I enjoyed kissing you yesterday." comments. I do this as a make/break contact doing my thing.

My 20yo will be heading back to college within a couple weeks. I am already building up the tension and suspense about what will happen when he is not in the house. This is all done playfully with a gleam in my eye.


Make her desire you. Have fun!

[SteveLW]

Bluesea, I think you need to give it lots of time. These sitches are not created over night and they certainly are not resolved over night either.

R2C, absolutely. Under my leadership she has, ummm, had an awakening!

[Taz]

Steve85,

Read through your situation and a lot of your support posts to others. I was also in a SSM the past 15 years or so. I to resented my wife for this. I tried to discuss it with her early on but she did not want to talk about it. I actually considered leaving her at one time but my sons were much younger then and I decided to rough it out while trying to remedy the situation.

I eventually just gave up. I still respected my wife as a person and mother but the resentment caused me to become negative and cynical. I sometimes did not want to do things with her because I was so bitter about the SSM. Needless to say she left after we dropped our youngest son off at college a year ago.

I haven’t ever told her how I feel the SSM was the root of all our problems and can’t now since I’m BDing and basically NC. I realize she is a WAS but she has also shown a lot of strange MLC behaviors. If you get a chance can you check out my thread in the MLC forum as I think you may be able to offer me additional advice from you perspective and how you addressed the SSM with your W.

Thanks,

Tax