I do have empathy for you in that it is a horrible time for you to be going through this with your son moving out and COVID. Life will present you with people and circumstances to show you where you are not free. Now is a good time to get comfortable being alone. We are tough on you but I do see some very small progress. Without IC this will take longer but you will get through it.
I've not really had so much anxiety lately but when I did I would ask myself a series of questions trying to figure out where it was coming from.
I'm also keenly aware of other things going on in my life and how that is impacting my current situation. It didn't help when a coworker came up today and suddenly said "must be so lonely in your house these days". Completely innocent but hit like a ton of bricks. I accept that timing of all of this bites... ie S19 off to college, covid keeping everything limited. My womans group hasn't met in over 6mo... coming home to an empty house is compounding things.
I'm working through my mental exhaustion for the day.... wrestling with my need to say thank you... knowing I also owe him nothing, that what works is counter intuitive so don't do what your brain is firing about, to I wish this paperwork was done because I'm just sick and tired of it, not looking forward to a 4hr drive today... to really??? Awake at 3am again today.
I think the the biggest gain I've made is sitting more with my feelings and thoughts and not acting on them immediately which I would have done in the past. Asking myself more where is this coming from...
I think I've mentioned my aunt before to you. 35 years ago my uncle cheated on her with her best friend who was also a neighbor (lived right across the street). My aunt reminded me a lot of you. Was in denial for a long time until she could no longer deny what EVERY ONE else was seeing. She ended up in the hospital with a complete and utter mental breakdown.
When she got out she was advised by medical doctors to go into counseling. They explained to her that the trauma she had experienced was not only affecting her mental and emotional health, but her physical health, No one called it this back then, but if it were to happen today her doctor's would say she suffered from PTSD.
KC, getting evaluated for PTSD is something I highly recommend you do. You've told us how this is all causing you physical problems, and we are witness to the mental and emotional distress.
Here are a list of PTSD symptoms:
Behavioral: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behavior, or social isolation Psychological: flashback, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness Sleep: insomnia or nightmares Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts
You cannot self diagnose this, and obviously none of us are qualified to diagnose you, but that list seems pretty similar to many of things you have stated you are experiencing.
No one is above IC. Heck, I was the most IC adverse person in the world 3 years ago. Now I see its power to transform the thinking of a person. I had deeply held personal attitudes that were completely upended in IC and replaced with new ways of thinking. I think your fear would be erased as soon as you found a good IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But, honestly I feel way more in charge of my emotions now than 3mo ago. Sure I get biuts of anger, sadness, frustration and confusion. There are big chunks of my day where this doesnt even cross my mind.
I'm totally getting the brain addiction thing. And, realize that I have weird calms after he texts no matter what its about... my brain got its fix. I'm working on recognizing that and new ways to train my brain so not to recieve or make sure I'm associating it with something else....
I'm no where near a breakdown... not now anyway... maybe months ago.
I'm learning to manage and understand anxiety that has happened... now I'm working through frustration.
I'm keenly aware of counter conditioning and behavior modification.
Seeing a dear close friend again in person after years was priceless. Meeting new friends.
GOSH, it was hot. The water felt good. Local eats!!!
I learned to tack AND took the wheel for an hour. Miss it already. I texted pics to my SS20 with my pics of my sailing adventures. (SS20 loves to sail). He followed up at the end of the weekend that he went camping in Yellowstone. I asked if he saw bears - which he had, and the geyser - which he said he had not. It was a nice chat and told him to have a great week.
OMG - the stories we have already embellished where we have become legends amongst ourselves are priceless and amazing. Lots of pictures!
Back home in my empty house. This morning was the worst I've had in a long time. It was like being buried under a ton of bricks.
H texted twice while I was out of the country last Friday - basically wanting to meet this morning. After I hadn't replied he texted again just before midnight on Sunday - "you have yet to reply". A few hours later I just texted "I'm out of the country, maybe 10am?". His only response was "ok, then another day".
My head hurts - I really want to text him and chat - talk about whether he likes the transition lenses he has because I need new glasses, ask about his holiday weekend, ask if there was anything that I could have done that could have saved this M, try opening up and being vulnerable with him.
^^^^ none of that is productive or helpful. So I do nothing.
I'm getting ready to tackle laundry. I need to get my focus elsewhere.
So came home with a raging eyelid infection... was already on antibiotics when it started. My eye looks horrendous. Not to mention its painful. Picking up new antibiotics today hoping it helps.
First day back to work... its busy busy busy.
Being back in the house has been incredibly rough. I got nothing accomplished yesterday.
So came home with a raging eyelid infection... was already on antibiotics when it started. My eye looks horrendous. Not to mention its painful. Picking up new antibiotics today hoping it helps.
Oof! Hope you feel better. I bet it was rough coming home to an empty house, but glad to hear you had fun, and glad also you didn't give in and get into a live visit / call / text exchange. Hang in there!
Eyelid is still painful -enough to make sleeping difficult but infection is slowly getting better.
Work has been busy and steady. Going to a co-workers wedding today.
Hopefully weather will cooperate tomorrow and I can get the yard mowed - hate that chore. Not really much else going on. Now that I'm back from Mexico the plan was to tackle my SD18's old room.
The house is terribly quiet and lonely --- and I'm an introvert who enjoys down time at home... so this is all new territory for me. Its just painfully quiet.
S19 is doing awesome at school. He started his part time job and LOVES it. School's kinda of a bust as all his classes are online so I'm like why am I paying all this money for him to live there??? But it really is time for him to leave the nest and living on campus in a dorm is a great transition to real adult life.
YEAH - eyelid is finally showing signs of improvement!
In continued efforts in self improvement I took the Meyers Briggs --- I am "the defender" as ISFJ-T.
Its definitely me.
87% of Turbulent Defenders say they usually blame themselves first when something goes wrong, compared to 55% of Assertive Defenders.
^^^Absolutely me... Not just in my M but in my career as well. Defenders are true altruists, meeting kindness with kindness-in-excess and engaging the work and people they believe in with enthusiasm and generosity.
^^^ Yup --- definitely me. Always trying to do for others not just meeting their needs but clearly to meet my need to be kind and generous. Yup, I'm the person on the bus leaving a book behind with a note how much I enjoyed it and want to pass it on.
Reluctant to Change – These challenges can be particularly hard to address since Defender personalities value traditions and history highly in their decisions. A situation sometimes needs to reach a breaking point before Defenders are persuaded by circumstance, or the strong personality of a loved one, to alter course.
^^^ Again, very me. Don't get me wrong I like to do new things. In fact I frequently book them when planning our vacations or adventures. I have an extreme fear of heights but I specially booked the Costa Rica trip with the Arenal Sky Adventures Zip Line as a family thing. Go google it... 600ft up in the air... 2400ft in length... up to 43mi/hr. Yup, I screamed like a girl but I did it. The family loves pushing me and watching me squirm but the point is I did it.
When H got a motorbike it was outside my comfort zone but I was warming up. I even made him take me to buy my own helmet that would fit better. I just require more "hand holding". Like my H saying hey do you think you would bike with me X? And, even if I said not today that he would ask again. I just need more time to warm up and get comfortable. As stupid as this all is I had already 2 things my list this summer before BD. One was taking H to a fun, unique resturant on some winding roads about an hour away and to also have him take me 2hr each way to a fun yarn store in the next state over as another motorbike trip. The second was having H take me fishing twice on his boat this summer. SOOOOO... I was getting there.
I can see the flip side of how H felt --- his thinking was if he had to ask me more than once then I was never really interested in it so he just bailed and formed an opinion how our interests are too different. I tried to validate when he stated his feelings on this ((((this was a long awhile ago)))). I understand why he would feel this way. I wonder if he was able to hear my side... needing more encouragement???
Long before I took this quiz I already recognized that I internalized H's criticism and anger to mean that I was "less than" and it further sunk my self esteem. I see now that for my H the criticism and anger were defense mechanisms for the deep seated hurt/pain he was internalizing as rejection from me.
Anyway reading about ISFJ-T --- that is who we are. We internalize criticism. I already had come to an understanding of this about me but it was good to read about.
I sooooo want to print this out for my H to read. Frankly, I have great interests if he would do the test too... it might help me understand him even better. HOWEVER, I know this is soo not the time. Yes, LH I can hear you loud and clear. H is still dealing with lots of anger and resentment and can't even see me for who I truly am these days. So its all under wraps... keeping it all to myself.
As hard and painful as it is to be in this miserable quiet house I continue to keep the focus on me and work on self improvement.
Is there something that you can do for yourself to make the house more comfortable/less miserable? So it feels like more of "your" space and less of "used to be our" space. Make a cool new knitting nook/area? Organize the kitchen/closets to only your tastes and no one else's? (I know you've said you like organizing a lot - me too - so therapeutic!)
MB tests are cool - it's good that you identify how your personality type contributed to issues in this relationship. I'd encourage you to use that knowledge on what you can do differently in a NEW relationship and what you've learned about yourself (NOT what you've learned about your H/M). Have you thought about how your type affected other relationships before H? See any patterns?
I sooooo want to print this out for my H to read. Frankly, I have great interests if he would do the test too... it might help me understand him even better. HOWEVER, I know this is soo not the time. Yes, LH I can hear you loud and clear. H is still dealing with lots of anger and resentment and can't even see me for who I truly am these days. So its all under wraps... keeping it all to myself.
If you need to send him that to explain your eternal and unconditional love for him in order to feel you left no stone unturned and to get closure, then you should do it.
What if you send it to him, he reads it, and nothing changes.
What are you going to do then?
I guess what I'm asking is "where is the finish line?" At what point do you feel you will trust that he fully understands how you feel and still chooses not to reconcile?
I hate to ask you that question, but I also don't want to see you forever stuck.
There is nothing you can do! You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it! Fighting against it sets you up as their adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from.
Not to mention its painful. Picking up new antibiotics today hoping it helps.