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I know we all go through different stages, im at a stage where i feel irritable with H, everything he does, the way he hadles things i find totally pathetic. I dont try and rationalise i dont second guess but im often left irritated by what he says and does, i don't want him Around, i hate it how he handles the children.

And i cant seem to shift the feeling, He makes me feel tense and im finding in treading on eggshells when he is around.

I hate this feeling and i shifted it for some time when he was barely here, but at the moment he is seeing the kids more often and i never know how long he will hang about for.

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How are you feeling today? I know it stinks not knowing when he will come around/how long he will hang around for. Especially when they handle the kids in a less than ideal way and probably won't listen to input right now. Are you able to leave when he does come by? Maybe save up your errands for then so you can just escape for a bit?

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Much better, thanks Rachel. How are you?

I tend to go out as soon as he gets here, but now and then i have stuff to do in the house and he just mopes around here. Kids end up with phones or tablets in front of their faces and he just does, well not much. I need to get to the stage of not feeling anything, even the irritation.

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I feel rubbish today.

We have finally agreed on a day to tell the kids, next Saturday. I need to set some boundaries around him staying in the house, as he drops by with short notice whenever he likes. He wants to be friends, said he just doesnt love me anymore and that the ow had no influence on him leaving at all. I dont really care if she did or not, said that its strange that i would see it that way. That he stopped loving me that i pushed him away, showed him that i didnt love him.
He knows that its not how we planned things, that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and so on and that its not going to happen now.
I had a good cry and i feel angry

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I think i need some wise words from you people on how bot to fall apart, and i know its just my emotions.

Im struggling with 180 here as i have obv neglected some parts of our marriage and didnt always act the right way, perhaps restricting his impulsive behaviours and so on. Basically by doing what in soing which is not initiating contact and basically living my life like He doesn't exist, im doing more of the same in his eyes. Not that it matters as he is with ow and very slowly trying to integrate her in all aspects of life. I know we could be in for the long haul here, 2-3 year, which im not prepared to wait btw.

I just need a reality check whilst im ringing around banks to get our financial position and rereading db whilst he is out with boys and ow.

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Originally Posted by Gigi123
I think i need some wise words from you people on how bot to fall apart, and i know its just my emotions.


Emotions are good teachers. Your anger is teaching you something. Don't try to rush over it. Feel it. It Doesn't have to turn into actions.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
I'm struggling with 180 here as i have obv neglected some parts of our marriage and didnt always act the right way, perhaps restricting his impulsive behaviours and so on.

No Person on this planet ALWAYS acts the right ways. What kind of impulsive behaviors were you restricting? What ways did you neglect the marriage?


Originally Posted by Gigi123
Basically by doing what in soing which is not initiating contact and basically living my life like He doesn't exist, im doing more of the same in his eyes.


It sounds to me like you are keeping emotionally distant from him (which makes sense because he's not emotionally safe at the moment). That doesn't sound more like the same - it sounds like self care and a boundary.

I've also seen vets here say to put boundaries on his communication? Maybe around his visits too? Would those be 180s for you?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Thank you

Some of the impulsive behaviour were to do with money spending, he is terrible with money and i think always felt restricted that i might not agree with large purchases, i would often cave in in the end, but now looking at our financials now certainly haven’t put us in a good place!

Little things like he wanted The treadmill in the house and we have 2 small children and no space for it, i felt garage would be best for it....but he was t happy with that ( i didn't cave on that one and its still in the garage now!) but he felt that was me stopping him from getting fit.... I would say most of these things have happened in the last 18 months and he seems to think that i have emotionally destroyed him. He would want to spend time together, but wouldnt actively do anything e.g book a babysitter and take me on a date, he would expect me to change Or do something. I mean i could list so many examples here. Im sort of at the stage that none of that matters anymore, He is with ow, he is spending time with her and the kids, i feel i just need to protect myself and thats it, as all of this is emotionally draining
He felt ignored as he has been waving red flags and saying to me that we need to do something about our M, but i did nothing and just felt more resentful that he was drinking every night and choosing not to go to bed with me. A terrible pattern of behaviour.
He openly told me that he doesnt love me today and he just wants to concentrate on being a dad and thats it. But he has been barely present for the past 5 months and behaved with little integrity or honesty.


We only ever communicate about the children now, and occasionally if He brings our relationship, i just nod to what he is saying and dont engage really.

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Originally Posted by Gigi123
Some of the impulsive behaviour were to do with money spending, he is terrible with money and i think always felt restricted that i might not agree with large purchases, i would often cave in in the end, but now looking at our financials now certainly haven’t put us in a good place.
Little things like he wanted The treadmill in the house and we have 2 small children and no space for it, i felt garage would be best for it....but he was t happy with that ( i didn't cave on that one and its still in the garage now!) but he felt that was me stopping him from getting fit.... I would say most of these things have happened in the last 18 months and he seems to think that i have emotionally destroyed him. He would want to spend time together, but wouldnt actively do anything e.g book a babysitter and take me on a date, he would expect me to change Or do something. I mean i could list so many examples here.


IMHO - it sounds like your H doesn't want to be responsible and often unloads his feelings onto you. It also sounds like you get exhausted by it. I can see why you are emotional drained. When he did those things... How much did you try to control the situation? Did you use any guilt tripping? name calling? etc.?

Originally Posted by Gigi123
He felt ignored as he has been waving red flags and saying to me that we need to do something about our M, but i did nothing and just felt more resentful that he was drinking every night and choosing not to go to bed with me. A terrible pattern of behaviour.


I completely understand the resentment feeling... but it's victim mind thinking... and honestly...only hurts YOU.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
He openly told me that he doesnt love me today and he just wants to concentrate on being a dad and thats it. But he has been barely present for the past 5 months and behaved with little integrity or honesty.
Eek. What nerve to say that to you.


Originally Posted by Gigi123
We only ever communicate about the children now, and occasionally if He brings our relationship, i just nod to what he is saying and dont engage really.


I think this is fine. It does feel like there is resentment on both sides. Unfortunately - you can't control how your H processes his. Are you in an IC to work through yours?


M(f): 40
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Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Im a bit of control freak and really working on this, im at a stage where i take no interest in his life i dont even know where he lives at the moment, i have definitely worked on this and only even try and control my actions and emotions.

H felt that he wasnt my priority, that he wasnt 1 st on the list that he was always “later” after the kids after my work and in reality between work and dropping and picking up the kids I was exhausted and yes i just about managed to do all the basics, i felt burnt out and with his we need to do something about our marriage i just felt like i was pushing him away more and more the more he pressed. Just before he ended things he booked a spa for us for a long weekend and arranged for his mum to have kids, this was the first time in months that i felt excited and a relief that he has done something rather than pressed me. I was in ic, and honestly i feel so much better, i just think im having a feeling sorry for myself day particularly after he said i stopped loving you.

He doesnt want to tell the kids about ow, as in he only wants them to know thT she is a friend thats it. Its just one of those sneaky ways to integrate her into their lives. Ow is 22 for goodness sake and lives at home with mum and dad.
He said he would like her to get to know the kids.

You are right about victim mentality and im really changing that for myself, anything you advice i read about it. I should have heard him when he was screaming that we are in trouble, i shouldnt have felt sorry for myself. But that is all history now.

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Originally Posted by Gigi123
Im a bit of control freak and really working on this, im at a stage where i take no interest in his life i dont even know where he lives at the moment, i have definitely worked on this and only even try and control my actions and emotions.


I'm glad you are doing a 180 here. Control often enables the other's behavior. When we step back - life teaches them all the things they need to know. It seems like even though your H didn't like your control, he was more than happy to hand it over when things proved too difficult for him. Now that you are letting him experience ALL of life's up/downs - he's rejecting that. Keep allowing him to feel those natural consequences. Good and Bad.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
H felt that he wasnt my priority, that he wasnt 1 st on the list that he was always “later” after the kids after my work and in reality between work and dropping and picking up the kids I was exhausted and yes i just about managed to do all the basics, i felt burnt out and with his we need to do something about our marriage i just felt like i was pushing him away more and more the more he pressed. Just before he ended things he booked a spa for us for a long weekend and arranged for his mum to have kids, this was the first time in months that i felt excited and a relief that he has done something rather than pressed me.


I can see that. Control does burn us out. Add neglecting self care, not asking for what we want... just creates an emotional exhaustion that often leads to "checking out" or "giving up". Seems like both you and H have done a little of that.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
I was in ic, and honestly i feel so much better, i just think im having a feeling sorry for myself day particularly after he said i stopped loving you.


That makes sense. That's rough to hear... but don't give it too much power. WAH spew lots of cr@p.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
He doesnt want to tell the kids about ow, as in he only wants them to know thT she is a friend thats it. Its just one of those sneaky ways to integrate her into their lives. Ow is 22 for goodness sake and lives at home with mum and dad. He said he would like her to get to know the kids.

Try to avoid the mind reading here. Whatever his reasons are his own. It's in his lane. You stay in yours.


Originally Posted by Gigi123
You are right about victim mentality and im really changing that for myself, anything you advice i read about it.


I really like the work of Vicky Tidwell Palmer. She's got a great podcast about boundaries which I LOVE and I really enjoyed her book. Although the title can be a little off putting - I find alot of it very relatable. She often refers to Pia Mellody too if you want to look into her works as well.

I am a very logical person too so VTP gives me tools which I can actually put into practice because "not controlling" feels so uncomfortable for me. I don't want to control others and get frustrated by the fact "I need to" but then when I let go - I get scared. And when I stop controlling others and put the focus on myself - well it can often be painful. Staying in my own lane and allowing others to stay in there feels impossible at times. Her work helps me stay in my own.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
I should have heard him when he was screaming that we are in trouble, i shouldnt have felt sorry for myself. But that is all history now.


I experienced the same exact thing and when I fully admitted my part - I cried for two weeks. History can be a great teacher. It your H does mention R and If you have ignored him in the past - perhaps a 180 would be to validate. Nothing huge... just maybe a "I hear you" or "that sounds really painful".


If you are able to/want to. I know you are emotionally exhausted. Take care of you first and perhaps the validation will follow after some time.

You are doing really well Gigi. Hang in there.



Last edited by Valeska19; 09/12/20 05:44 PM.

M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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