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A Message from Michele
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cannot get through emotionally to my wife #2783053
03/27/18 03:16 PM
03/27/18 03:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
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andrew0 Offline OP
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andrew0  Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
I am reading SSM for a second time and am taking notes this time, but I feel stuck at the beginning of the process. We are in our mid-thirties, married for 15 years, have three kids, and have not had any sex since July. Even hugs are rare and brief.

I believe I have generally been patient, polite, and friendly, but my wife does not care. She does not much like, respect, or trust me. She disbelieves that sex is anything more than a physical release. She does not feel emotionally close to me, and she is not even motivated to work on our non-sexual relationship. As Michelle pointed out in SSM, I believe I can make things worse, but I do not see a good way to make them better.

I have made mistakes in our relationship, but it seems she will never forgive them.

I tried giving her space, not bringing up sex for months, doing chores, empathy, overlooking annoyances, talking about my feelings, etc. She generally does not notice. When I watch her reactions, she gets annoyed when I walk in a room. She says I am "looming."

She says she is busy with school, but she has plenty of time for friends and hobbies. She suggested we revisit the topic in May when we are out of school. (We are each taking two college classes.) I do not expect much to be different then.

My wife's best advice is to spend more time watching TV with her in the evenings, but when I do, it does not seem to count for much. She often falls asleep, and when she is awake, she seems disengaged---either quiet or fiddling with her phone.

Every few weeks we go on a dinner date, and she seems mildly apathetic.

She has refused counseling for us or herself, and she thinks I should not read any more relationship books. She does not like romantic gestures, and she will not let me pick a babysitter.

Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: andrew0] #2785594
04/16/18 04:56 PM
04/16/18 04:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 16
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patty13 Offline
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patty13  Offline
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One of the best things Michele has written about is GAL. Sounds like this would be good for you. If you like working out, join a gym or start running 2 or 3 nights a week. If she can have hobbies and friends, so can you. Stop looming and looking for scraps of attention and, Get A Life! Don't talk to her about it or tell her your strategy, just do it.

If you would benefit from counseling sign yourself up. You do not need her permission to seek help. The people here can probably find a good one for you.

Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: andrew0] #2789176
05/09/18 07:09 PM
05/09/18 07:09 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
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canseco Offline
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Wondering how things are going for you...I feel very much the same as you....I have a fear of even attempting to get through to her and work on things out of being rejected...massive fear...helplessness...we havent had any sex in months and months...now the basic affection is almost non-existent..no hugs, no cuddling..not even a "welcome home" kiss....this is terrible.........It's a combination of fear, anger, confusion...

...i've tried the same as you...not bringing it up at all...being disregarded is terrible...it really gets to you......and this is after w has had 3 affairs I know of...:(...she had previously refused counselling too...I have made many mistakes in our relationship but never have I believed a relationship doesn't need work and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes

..i'm in a rough place right now.


Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs
Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: canseco] #2789397
05/10/18 07:49 PM
05/10/18 07:49 PM
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 15
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Amazona Offline
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Amazona  Offline
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Dear Andrew,

Perhaps reading this book will help: Hot Monogamy

http://www.patlove.com/index.php/portfol...ortfolioCats=42

Some parts are very blunt, but only choose what you can digest.
Women need to be emotionally connected before enjoying sex.
Men need sex before connecting emotionally.

Sometimes, all it needs is for you to look into her eyes, convey to her what you feel (and please, not about sex).
Try to do this every day, perhaps it will work.
The eyes says a thousand words than our mouth does.

Dr. Pat Love mentioned an experiment about 2 strangers who was placed in a room, they have to reveal things about themselves, look at each other, tell them what they like about each other.
They ended up marrying each other.
A simple formula.
When was the last time that you looked your partner in her eyes?

Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: andrew0] #2901561
08/07/20 06:04 PM
08/07/20 06:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,502
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blackfoot Offline
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blackfoot  Offline
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Posts: 1,502
Quote
I believe I have generally been patient, polite, and friendly, but my wife does not care.


MWD says do what works So... How is the above, working out for you?
None of those attributes have anything to do with being sexually attractive. You are right. She doesn't care. She isn't going to throw her panties at you, because you are polite and friendly.

Quote
She does not much like, respect, or trust me.

She dated you because of sexual attraction, she married you because of sexual attraction/ provider desire and she had 3 kids with you. if the youngest is over 3, the only thing that is going to motivate her sex drive is her self awareness (.02% chance) , you finding another female ( fear of losing provider/ property possession/ competition desire) , or her finding another male (variety desire). It isn't rocket science. It is very simple biology. We are the only mammal that navel gazes over why a female stops fu<%ing a male that she already procreated with.

If humans were monogamous, we wouldn't have or need marriage contracts. If you want to have a good sexual relationship with a female stop being quasi-intellectual about sex and emotionally pouty about biological desires.

GAL

Quote
My wife's best advice is to spend more time watching TV with her in the evenings, but when I do, it does not seem to count for much. She often falls asleep, and when she is awake, she seems disengaged---either quiet or fiddling with her phone.

Every few weeks we go on a dinner date, and she seems mildly apathetic.


That sounds stimulating.

Quote
She has refused counseling for us or herself, and she thinks I should not read any more relationship books. She does not like romantic gestures, and she will not let me pick a babysitter.


She sounds like your mother/nanny. I know why you want to have sex, but why ... with her? She sounds really really boring, selfish, and unkind.

I constantly read in psychological literature about how females have a higher EQ than men, but the divorce rate says to me, if the majority do have a higher EQ, then they certainly aren't using it for the good or benefit of the family unit.
If the psychological literature is correct that the majority have a higher EQ than males, then they must be sociopath's the way they damage their children's future with their behaviors. (pain that is not transformed is transmitted)

Read some of the posts of women who have been cheated on, and notice the recurring theme of, I didn't know how important sex was to men, but I understand now.
and put that into computation females have a higher EQ then males.

You will find the equation doesn't sum.

The real translation is I lost my ability to make him suffer with my relationship damaging powerplays, no fair no fair. He is my property, I don't want him to be happy, I want to control him, because I am super insecure and fearful and dependent.



I want you to assume you wife knows how you feel, and what you want.
Quote
We are in our mid-thirties, married for 15 years, have three kids, and have not had any sex since July. Even hugs are rare and brief.

Read what you said.
Does she treat her children with the same affection-less neglect?

Would it be ok to you if she left your pet dog in a cage for 20 hrs a day and only took it outside to relieve itself for a few minutes a day?
How about 18 hours a day?
How about 16 hours? 8 for work and 8 for sleeping?

In your opinion, when does neglect become Abuse?
What is your boundary, for not being Abused by someone with a Higher EQ than you?
You aren't a dog in a cage, and you aren't property.
No one is going to feel sorry for your sad eyes.

p.s. I know you don't know me so I will give you something
1. I've never cheated on a spouse. I am a grownup, who likes to learn and take tests.
2. I have a very very excellent sex life.
3. I love self aware, responsible women of character. I love them repeatedly. :-) I have very little time for ignorant (uneducated) and zero use for stupid (crazy/broken) females (repetitive behaviors define insanity) . You can't fix stupid. He fixed a lot of different types of human suffering, but I doubt even Jesus could or would try to fix stupid by sticking his D!<k in it.

Adult children with emotional dysregulation issues are funny like a trainwreck to watch on tv and movies, but wonder more about yourself, than them, if you want to spend significant time and energy with or on them.

Quit watching TV with her.
GAL.

Re: cannot get through emotionally to my wife [Re: andrew0] #2903441
09/09/20 09:03 PM
09/09/20 09:03 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 37
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tom_h Offline
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tom_h  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by andrew0
I am reading SSM for a second time and am taking notes this time, but I feel stuck at the beginning of the process. We are in our mid-thirties, married for 15 years, have three kids, and have not had any sex since July. Even hugs are rare and brief.

I believe I have generally been patient, polite, and friendly, but my wife does not care. She does not much like, respect, or trust me. She disbelieves that sex is anything more than a physical release. She does not feel emotionally close to me, and she is not even motivated to work on our non-sexual relationship. As Michelle pointed out in SSM, I believe I can make things worse, but I do not see a good way to make them better.

I have made mistakes in our relationship, but it seems she will never forgive them.

I tried giving her space, not bringing up sex for months, doing chores, empathy, overlooking annoyances, talking about my feelings, etc. She generally does not notice. When I watch her reactions, she gets annoyed when I walk in a room. She says I am "looming."

She says she is busy with school, but she has plenty of time for friends and hobbies. She suggested we revisit the topic in May when we are out of school. (We are each taking two college classes.) I do not expect much to be different then.

My wife's best advice is to spend more time watching TV with her in the evenings, but when I do, it does not seem to count for much. She often falls asleep, and when she is awake, she seems disengaged---either quiet or fiddling with her phone.

Every few weeks we go on a dinner date, and she seems mildly apathetic.

She has refused counseling for us or herself, and she thinks I should not read any more relationship books. She does not like romantic gestures, and she will not let me pick a babysitter.

You are not alone, friend. I lived with this for 25 years, and then she walked out on me! My story is in the newcomer's section.

It seems that many, many marriages fall apart for this reason.

Can you tell us all when things changed? Did you ever have a strong and vital sex life? Did it change after she had the first child? Because this is often the case.

In my case it wasn't the first child. It was the end of the honeymoon. Our sex life before marriage was better than it was after marriage. It's as if once she had her man, she didn't need to submit to the horrors of sex. I don't think she thought this consciously, but it was probably all subconscious.


Moderated by  Virginia 

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