unchien: "Don't do anything to stir the pot" kml: "Let's antagonise him with balloon signs!"
It seems he'll be antagonised by anything I do, so balloon signs are not necessary. There was a small dispute over the return/non-return of S2's belongings at dropoff yesterday. I made what I thought was a reasonable request. He sneered and got all dark eyed and called me petty. I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and he gave a big, loud, fake, sarcastic, nasty laugh as he walked away. I felt very hopeless and hollow inside.
S2 seems to have had a good time with his dad for father's day for which I am glad. He has still been crying and unsettled and refusing to go bed since the unoffical sleepover last weekend, though. I'm hoping X will agree to the increased overnight time I have offered to commence immediately. One day, this will all be a bad memory instead of current pain. I'm realising that nothing goes by faster than your kid's childhood.
I’m sorry but I feel very strongly about this. This is all about your S2. Does it benefit S2 if you intentionally antagonize your X? What is the benefit?
Secondarily you are trying to nail down a parenting agreement. I don’t think antagonizing the person you are negotiating with is going to help save you time, money, and emotional energy in a legal battle.
I totally get that sometimes X may react and feel antagonized and that is his problem. I don’t think you have been intentionally needling him. People who get sucked into that vortex end up sending their lawyers’ kids to great universities.
Of course if he gets upset about something (Like the balloons) that you can’t control it’s his problem. I think you handled the last interaction great. At best from what I’ve heard in these high conflict D’s it takes at least a year if not more for the conflict to die down.
I hope you get to an agreement on parenting time soon. Hopefully that can lessen the conflict.
You're totally right. I think kml's comment was a joke and my reply wasn't serious either. Sorry if that didn't come across in the post. I've got no interest in antagonising X for fear for my safety, let alone jeopardising the agreement I'm seeking.
It has been, I think, 15 months since X left. As time goes on, he seems to be getting angrier. The more I tuck myself away and live my solitary life, the more aggravated he seems to act. This latest round of spew started after I served him with the divorce papers. My psychologist said it's because a) consequences are settling in, b) he's lost control of the situation, and c) his new life isn't as great as he thought.
Despite allowing X to continue taking S2 for visits, I am deeply concerned about his potential to use S2 to get to me. Maybe I've watched too many Dateline episodes, I don't know. But X has an inter-generational anger problem, he's got his family in his ear about his rights being taken away, he's dealing with the consequences and shame of his actions... Desperate people do desperate things.
I am hopeful to settle the parenting agreement without lawyers. As far as I know, X doesn't even have one. It's very unlikely this case will ever see the inside of a court room. If it did, the judge would take one look at my email offering immediate increased time, say "take the offer, fool", and throw us out. I'm in the driver's seat when it comes to negotiations. And unfortunately that makes me vulnerable to attack.
Lol I was definitely kidding a about the balloon signs.
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I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and he gave a big, loud, fake, sarcastic, nasty laugh as he walked away. I felt very hopeless and hollow inside.
HE is the one who is hollow inside - don’t let him project that onto you. You did a good job with the “I’m sorry you feel that way” comment, less good with letting him get you on the clothing return stuff. Anything he sees bothers you, he will use to needle you. Your ex should have his own clothes for S2. Send S2 for overnight with just the clothes he’s wearing, let ex supply pj’s and next day clothes. Get duplicates of beloved blankies ror stuffed animals if you can. Just minimize anything that gives him a foothold on you. Be the smooth grey rock that he can’t get a grip on.
If you ever needed confirmation that none of this has anything to do with you...
One of the things X said at BD was that I never allowed him to have a dog. It was his lifelong dream to have a dog. I was the dog dream killer. He was so dog-deprived that he couldn't stand it anymore. "Do you know how many times I nearly brought a dog home without telling you?" he cried.
"You wanted cats so we got cats," he said. I absolutely cringe to think back to a weak moment where I offered to get rid of our cats so he could get his precious dog and maybe consider sticking around. "No, those are your cats," he said. We raised those two cats from rescue kittens and they were attached to him, so that was cold.
For the record, my objections to the dog: he wanted a husky and we live in the tropics; he worked irregular shifts at his retail job which would make doggy care difficult; we had two cats that a husky would certainly hunt and kill; we had lived in places that were unsuitable for a large dog; finally, we had a new baby and were struggling with that.
So imagine my surprise when S2 came home with the news this week that Dad and OW have a brand new... CAT!
Scout, my H hasn't brought this up yet, but I can almost guarantee it's on his list of things that are my fault--we have cats that we raised from kittens instead of a dog. I was hoping getting a dog would be just one of the reasons he'd move out, but no such luck so far. I hope OW will "let" your H have a dog at some point! Ha.
