Not to be snide, but I guess I was under the impression that DBing meant “not having a divorce.” lol
Also I was led to think that DBing has a reasonable chance for success. While your statement is qualitative, I believed it had better odds than, “she will likely divorce you.”
I’m not asking her for a temperature check, or anything like that.
On top of that, it seems, and I could be wrong, that you believe I’m not already following your advice in your last paragraph. Sure I’m not perfect, I have a few emotional moments, but I keep them away from her view. When I come here it’s to ask if her reaction is from DBing, which would be doing things like showing her I’m moving on too. You say that would be the quickest, but would you still say this is years later after a D?
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
So by the time you get here the odds are not in your favor to save the marriage but it certainly has been done. No one here wants a divorce or they wouldn’t be here. DBing does give you the best chance of saving your marriage.
Again her actions are probably more because of relief then anything. It’s finally out on the table that she is done and you seem to be taking well so there is less guilt on her part.
I would love to say ATL if you do this, this and this you will save your marriage within 2 months. It doesn’t work that way. I wish it did.
The problem is you can’t pretend to show her you moved on you actually have to move on. Your W knows you better then anyone in the world.
Lastly I think you need to do a little more reading on the forums and get the concepts down. Temperature checks are done by the WWs to the the LBS to see if they are still emotionally on the hook.
You have a chance but you’re going to have to have infinite patience and that may include going through a divorce. The good news is it’s survivable either way and you will be happy again at some point.
Not to be snide, but I guess I was under the impression that DBing meant “not having a divorce.” lol
Also I was led to think that DBing has a reasonable chance for success. While your statement is qualitative, I believed it had better odds than, “she will likely divorce you.”
I’m not asking her for a temperature check, or anything like that.
On top of that, it seems, and I could be wrong, that you believe I’m not already following your advice in your last paragraph. Sure I’m not perfect, I have a few emotional moments, but I keep them away from her view. When I come here it’s to ask if her reaction is from DBing, which would be doing things like showing her I’m moving on too. You say that would be the quickest, but would you still say this is years later after a D?
You seem to be DB'ing reasonably well, but it's a marathon and not a sprint. Mentally prepare yourself. Timelines differ. Sometimes, WW have a relatively quick change of heart (months, not years), but it's more common that it will be longer. You'll tear yourself up keeping expectations. Lovingly detach, fix what needs to be fixed, and GAL (get a life).
ATL, Has your wife expressed stress related to being the breadwinner? Have you ever promised her that you would get a job and then didn't? Or that this job would be different? Can you tell us why you can't hold a steady job?
Really look within for these answers. They matter more than you know.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
She is totally fine being the breadwinner. She isn’t fine with me not having an income commensurate with my occupation. However, just having that didn’t make her the least bit more happy.
My job situation that I take full responsibility for resulted from maddening depression because the relationship was failing. I had two really good jobs go south over the last 4 years. During the first of those two jobs, I was also battling Severe sleep apnea (144 events per hour, which is bad) making me tired and nearly nonfunctional. Once this was diagnosed, the depression got worse.
She never seemed concerned about the sleep apnea issue, or happy i got it fixed. I think her contempt was fed by the idea I was just lazy, that admitting anything would make her feel shame.
I take responsibility also not having a good tool kit for resolving our communication issues. I didn’t know about some things I have read about recently. I also didn’t know that I did truly needed to reset my values, and resist my sense of entitlement which I’ve mentioned before.
I remember once asking her to lay off her constant nagging, give me encouragement, show some slight affection. When the second job was about to fail, she told me I couldn’t put that on her. Well, it was maybe not her fault, but if having a job meant so much to her, perhaps it was still her responsibility. Honest to God, i don’t believe that I wasn’t asking for a lot.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
ATL havnt read all of your posts but been following a bit lately. You Should REALLY listen to LH. He is giving you GOLD in every post!
In regards to timelines, read other threads to understand! Read JosephS for a sitch that has had a SHORT timeline due to the severity (I believe). Read Curtis for what NOT to do! Read RobX for... a strong way of DBing.
Veterans agree? Please add other stories.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I think a lot of people get wrapped up in vows and fairytales believing that a spouse is going to support you in good times and in bad. I say it all the time on here relationships are about value. Unemployed, lazy and depressed are not valuable. Throw in social media where it is perceived that everyone is living their best life. The resentment builds and it's only a matter of time until the plug is pulled.
In good times and in bad is one of the biggest lies ever told.
I think a lot of people get wrapped up in vows and fairytales believing that a spouse is going to support you in good times and in bad. I say it all the time on here relationships are about value. Unemployed, lazy and depressed are not valuable. Throw in social media where it is perceived that everyone is living their best life. The resentment builds and it's only a matter of time until the plug is pulled.
In good times and in bad is one of the biggest lies ever told.
Not to hijack - but i believe if one successfully DBs, even if they end up D, they are holding up their end of the bargain, "for better or worse".
This is the "for worse" part. How you choose to move forward dictates whether you hold up your end of the deal. If the best thing you can do for your S is to let them go be happy, then that's how you can support them.
This is the "for worse" part. How you choose to move forward dictates whether you hold up your end of the deal. If the best thing you can do for your S is to let them go be happy, then that's how you can support them.
If you can truly let them go and let them go be happy that is true love. Anything else is manipulation based on fear, lack of stability and loss of control.
The majority of the people here fall into the second category but that does make for a good Hollywood movie.
I agree with everything said here. ATL...I do see you setting yourself up for disappointment and reading too much into her change of mood. I have a good example of that from my first marriage. My H was depressed for a good portion of our marriage and rarely in a good mood. Strange story...but one day, I had a reading from a psychic who talked about my marriage like she knew us. It was really uncanny. She held a wedding picture of the two of us and described our marriage and him to a “T”...and basically said that I would end up unhappy if I had a family with him because even though he would be there for me, he would eventually come to resent it. Afterwards I told my H about it and it was the catalyst for talking about our R in a way we never had before. That week he was in SUCH a good mood. I commented on it. Said...”I can’t believe it. A psychic basically predicted the end of our marriage and you are happier than I’ve seen you in ages.” His response...”It’s because we’ve finally seen and talked about the elephant in the room.” He was relieved. Long story short...we separated a week later and finalized our divorce two years after that when I decided to move back home to be closer to my family. Thankfully, it was a very respectful parting and we are still good friends...20 years later.
DBing ultimately is about saving yourself, not your marriage. Sometimes the marriage does get saved as a by product of that. But, given my observations over the last two years of being on this forum...the vast majority do not. That’s just the reality. By the time our spouses get to the point of saying they are done, most have been contemplating ending it for way longer than we think and feel like once they have taken that step of telling us, there is no going back. So follow the advice of people on here as best you can. I did and am so grateful because I am happier now than I was when I was married. If I hadn’t followed their advice, I 100% believe that I would still be divorced but also still stuck in my unhappiness and grief. Do not be afraid to move on. If your W ever wants you back, she will let you know. But...she will only ever want you back if she sees that you are living your best life and have [truly] moved on. There is nothing attractive about a person who tries to hang on to you when you have clearly told them you want out. But the person who says “okay” and then gets out there and lives their life like they hardly even miss you. EXTREMELY attractive. It’s just human nature my friend.
Also...speaking from a woman’s perspective. I lived with a guy once that I was committed to for about a year. Part way through, he lost his job and I was the sole breadwinner. I didn’t mind...at first. But his idea of looking for a job was to check the want ads once a day and then get back to whatever he was doing...video games, hiking, contemplating his navel, making a mess in the house, etc... After awhile, I felt more like his mom than his partner and I lost respect for him... big time. Once the respect was gone, that was it. I was done. I broke up with him and never looked back. Not saying that is what your W will do but you do need to know that once a woman loses respect for you, it is really hard for her to find you attractive again. You would have to to a complete 180 in your behaviour and attitude and she would need to see it consistently over time. Probably not what you want to hear but I would be doing your a disservice, I think, it I didn’t tell you that. You need to get busy.
