WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce

[Ready2Change]

There are a few women I've encountered that would have potential but I've held back on any moves because I'm still married. That seems to be a controversial topic on the board. Some people say "go for it, enjoy life and if it makes W afraid to lose you so be it" and others take the "Don't do it. You're not in the right mindset and it will complicate any R potential". It feels odd to even contemplate but then W was (probably is still) having another relationship.

Potential for what?

You have to decide when you are single again. Is it now? Is it after a certain time period? Is it after the ink is dry on the divorce papers? Is it one year of separation?

If you are married, you behave like a married man. If you are single, you behave like a single man. You can challenge your current beliefs about what each of these means.


You have lots of personal growth to do right now. That is what this phase of the process is about. There are changes to your beliefs and behaviors that need to happen. These changes need to be learned and practiced. You will need to decided with who you want to practice and when.

What skills can you practice with these woman that are in alignment with your core values and beliefs?

[ovrrnbw]

That doesn't sound like you're desperately trying to get her back like LH says. Normally he is pretty helpful tho so resist the temptation to ignore everything he says from here out haha.

Yo OB I am sticking with my assessment. I think the ladies are to make her jealous. Again I don't think you dig out 8 year old threads if you are not desperately seeking the silver bullet. Think Curtis.

I have an emotional attachment to the ItHurts thread. Twas the first one I read here and it is quite a story. And yes I kinda get that too but he is faking it til he makes it then.

[LH19]

That was one of the most frustrating threads of all time. He refused to make a move after 8 months to see where he stood.

[BL42]

(unless you think I'm not being honest with myself).

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You are on this site and you dug out an old thread from a guy who almost reconned but didn't. That leads me to believe you are looking for the magic bullet so to speak.

That may be. I do sense a big change in my outlook over the last two months, but I'm sure there will be more roller-coaster emotions going forward. We're "only" 6 months in at this point, so I have no doubt I'm not full detached.

Agreed I have work to do, but do you have anything specific in mind?

Are you owning and working on your downfall in the marriage? Are you in IC? Reading self books or are you spending all your time texting other women? We have quite a few people come through here and try a few tactics and then move on and date and marry other people only to be back years later. If you are not willing to stand for many months if not years you mine as well file for D now and move on.

I started IC a week and a half after BD, and have been going weekly/bi-weekly since. I've read several self-help books, and am reading this forum extensively to learn about others peoples' sitches and posting/journaling for advice on my own. In terms of owning and working my own issues, I've gone back and forth many times over the last 6 months as to whether I could've done better to help/fix things (be less critical on spending and kids' nutrition/screen time, less frustrated/resentful about sex life-NGS) and this whole situation is "on me" or whether it's more my W's and her past and medication. There are times I've had emotional self-doubts, but from a logical perspective think it's more on my wife's issues. I'm not the horrible person she's making me out to be.

[BL42]

LH19/ovrrnbw,

That doesn't sound like you're desperately trying to get her back like LH says. Normally he is pretty helpful tho so resist the temptation to ignore everything he says from here out haha.

Yo OB I am sticking with my assessment. I think the ladies are to make her jealous. Again I don't think you dig out 8 year old threads if you are not desperately seeking the silver bullet. Think Curtis.

I have an emotional attachment to the ItHurts thread. Twas the first one I read here and it is quite a story. And yes I kinda get that too but he is faking it til he makes it then.

I don't believe I'm "desperately trying to get her back" at this point, so would have to lean more towards ovrrnbw's assessment on that than LH19's. I'm only in contact via email regarding the kids' logistics, took the pictures off the walls, redoing the house, haven't reached emotionally or initiated R talks. It's been that way for two months now. I fully admit I'm not "over it" and fully detached, but I'm working on it.

I'm reading this forum extensively. I wasn't necessarily digging up an 8yo thread on purpose. I used the "Who's Online" feature to see what others are reading and suggestions people make in other threads and pick ones which seem interesting or relevant. Actually the ItHurts thread was last updated a year and a half ago. You read a dozen threads and years of someone's life and it'd be interesting to see where things landed.

But, overall point taken - I may not be as detached as I believe and haven't really been tested much yet by the W.

That was one of the most frustrating threads of all time. He refused to make a move after 8 months to see where he stood.

Couldn't agree more! It was frustrating to read through even years later. You were completely right btw - he should've been more aggressive. If she invited him to bed, let him see her naked, and had him massaging her on three different occasions...make a move! If rejected after all that, walk.

[BL42]

Ready2Change,

Potential for what?

You have to decide when you are single again. Is it now? Is it after a certain time period? Is it after the ink is dry on the divorce papers? Is it one year of separation?

If you are married, you behave like a married man. If you are single, you behave like a single man. You can challenge your current beliefs about what each of these means.


You have lots of personal growth to do right now. That is what this phase of the process is about. There are changes to your beliefs and behaviors that need to happen. These changes need to be learned and practiced. You will need to decided with who you want to practice and when.

What skills can you practice with these woman that are in alignment with your core values and beliefs?

I'm not sure how to answer your questions - currently trying to figure it out. I don't think it's moral to date while married. I never so much as flirted with another woman since my wife was my girlfriend let alone fiance or wife. That said, it's been 6 months since we told me she didn't want to work on our marriage and I found out was having an affair and she since moved out and filed a divorce action against me, so...at some point I have to move on. Not sure if 6 months is right, but don't think it's 4 years, and don't want to be the one stuck waiting for a lengthy legal situation to play out.

I don't know the right answer. Definitely working on the personal growth.

I also think people jumped on the "women" portion of my post, whereas to me it was a more higher level next steps / should I stand or not question.

[BL42]

Just received an email from W regarding upcoming schedule for the kids. We've had to have a number of these recently and it gives me a headache to think of all the logistical items this situation will present over the next 20 years...

How do I balance my desire to spend more time with my children with no enabling her to cake eat / rely on me to cover for her constantly changing schedule? My father told me "the answer must be based on what you think is best for the children, not what is best for her", and he nailed it - he's absolutely right, but if I cover everything and take on more for the kids doesn't that also mask the consequences of her actions/decisions? Also, do I offer to cover but stand firm on my scheduled days, or do I agree to switch off as I may need flexibility in the future?

Any feedback/advice would be appreciated:

I have Friday 9/11 off so if it’s okay with You I would like to spend the day with the kids
Sure, no problem - it's your week.

and then if possible bring them back to you at 7p and have theme spend the night with you bc I have to work at 3a Saturday 9/12 for Go Live. I work until 330pm and then would pick them up, keep them overnight and then bring them back to you Sunday at 230p bc I have to work 3p-11p Sunday. If you are okay with this do you mind giving up your night with them during the week?
Why don't I just take them for the weekend? That way they won't have to bounce around all over the place and you can focus on go-live.

Also, I have Tuesday 9/15 off which would be S5’s first day actually going into school and I would like to be there in the morning when he leaves
Of course. You should be there to see S5 off for his first day off to Kindergarten - it's a big milestone!

and then are you okay if I have D1 for the day and S5 after school until 7p since Tuesday’s are my evenings with them anyways?
I plan to pick S5 up from school so I can hear all about his first day, but you're welcome to be there for him as well. I'm fine with you spending the day with D1 and spending the afternoon/evening with both of them.

I am off on Monday 9/21 for D1's (soon to be D2) birthday and work 7-330 the rest of the week. So whoever’s day it is to watch the kids I will be dropping them off and or needing them to come to my house by 630am.
You can drop them off at my place in the mornings and I'll take care of them before school/our parents. That's pretty early though - they're welcome to stay overnight here if that's better for the kids/easier for you - don't want S5 to be too tired for school.

NOTE: the "go-live" referred to in the email is related to a special project for my W's job for which she started working directly with AP. Originally they started together in the office, but due to COVID the team transitioned to working remotely due to COVID so most days they're not physically working together now. W told me in May it was over with AP, but I suspect that was a lie and they're are communication through work and other means.

[LH19]

How do I balance my desire to spend more time with my children with no enabling her to cake eat / rely on me to cover for her constantly changing schedule? My father told me "the answer must be based on what you think is best for the children, not what is best for her", and he nailed it - he's absolutely right, but if I cover everything and take on more for the kids doesn't that also mask the consequences of her actions/decisions? Also, do I offer to cover but stand firm on my scheduled days, or do I agree to switch off as I may need flexibility in the future?

Over time you won't give a fuch about consequences of actions/decisions and will just enjoy the extra time with your kids. You have to be flexible if you expect her to be flexible.

I feel really sorry for LBS with really young children because it definitely makes things more difficult.

[Ready2Change]

Just received an email from W regarding upcoming schedule for the kids. We've had to have a number of these recently and it gives me a headache to think of all the logistical items this situation will present over the next 20 years...

Logistics gets smoothed out over time.

My father told me "the answer must be based on what you think is best for the children, not what is best for her",

Matches my tag line. What is best for the children is equal and frequent contact with both parents.

Also, do I offer to cover but stand firm on my scheduled days, or do I agree to switch off as I may need flexibility in the future?

Be extremely grateful that she is negotiating these things several weeks in advance.

Be flexible. Exceptions to the normal parenting plan happen.

Any feedback/advice would be appreciated:

I believe your response is fine. Less words is typically better. I go for reducing confusion and getting clarification during these type of exchanges. Here are some other options:

I have Friday 9/11 off so if it’s okay with You I would like to spend the day with the kids
Sure, no problem - it's your week.

and then if possible bring them back to you at 7p and have theme spend the night with you bc I have to work at 3a Saturday 9/12 for Go Live.
yes. 7p works for me.

I work until 330pm and then would pick them up, keep them overnight and then bring them back to you Sunday at 230p bc I have to work 3p-11p Sunday.
yes. 230p also works for me.


If you are okay with this do you mind giving up your night with them during the week?
Why don't I just take them for the weekend? That way they won't have to bounce around all over the place and you can focus on go-live.
What night?

Also, I have Tuesday 9/15 off which would be S5’s first day actually going into school and I would like to be there in the morning when he leaves
Of course. You should be there to see S5 off for his first day off to Kindergarten - it's a big milestone!

and then are you okay if I have D1 for the day and S5 after school until 7p since Tuesday’s are my evenings with them anyways?
I plan to pick S5 up from school so I can hear all about his first day, but you're welcome to be there for him as well. I'm fine with you spending the day with D1 and spending the afternoon/evening with both of them.

I am off on Monday 9/21 for D1's (soon to be D2) birthday and work 7-330 the rest of the week. So whoever’s day it is to watch the kids I will be dropping them off and or needing them to come to my house by 630am.
You can drop them off at my place in the mornings and I'll take care of them before school/our parents. That's pretty early though - they're welcome to stay overnight here if that's better for the kids/easier for you - don't want S5 to be too tired for school.

[sandi2]

One thing I'm struggling with is next steps...

Do you mean the next steps in getting your W back?

So...now what? Of course when I have my kids it's 100% about them and I plan to continue my GAL'ing (exercise, house improvements, friends), but how do I move on with life?

I think the only way you can truly move on with life is to emotionally drop your WW. As long as you hold tight to that rope you have tied to her.......the harder it's going to be for you to move on and be happy. That's why we talk so much about detaching emotionally. You can try, but as long as you are attached to her and how she's living her life......it will work in preventing your progress in your own life and happiness. Look, I realize we are not saying what you really want to hear. I think most LBH's would prefer a bullet point list of action steps.

I'm going to give you the number one thing all successful board members have told us that works! It's up to you to believe it or ignore it. Ready? Getting a life! I mean, really enjoying life! At first, you have to make yourself get out there and have fun. GAL is more than just exercising and seeing friends occasionally. To me, cleaning or house improvements are not GAL. That stuff is work. Don't confuse GAL with finding something to keep you busy. Did you give up a favorite hobby, sports, or activity when you got married? This is your opportunity to do what YOU want, without having to consider to a spouse's wants. So get out there and have fun!

Here's something else I suggest you focus on. Get the book about no more mr. nice guy, and read every bit of it. It's not long. Be open to what it says. Tell us if you see yourself anywhere in the book. I don't want you to think it's not a big deal being a nice guy. Here's the thing, along with the NGS, comes passivity, and a woman can't stand passivity in a man. With that said, your first thought may be in questioning how you can apply this......since you and W are separated. My suggestion is to start the application in your daily life, with your coworkers, friends, relatives, or the person on the street. You will understand what I mean, once you read the book.

Self confidence is another trait women admire in men. If you are lacking self confidence, then read material on the subject of how to gain it. These are examples of how you work on you, as a man. You've got to work on the man, before you can work on a relationship. You might be amazed how this all is connected to NGS. Perhaps you don't see yourself having a problem with anything. Please read NMMNG, anyway. It won't hurt, and it just might help.

Work on keeping your contact with WW shorter. Don't sound rude, but you are currently a bit too wordy. Also, your anger seeps through some of your responses to her. Not bad, but it's something you can adjust. Understand, I'm not saying you have no right to be angry. You have every right! However, it's not serving you well, the way you use it toward your WW in your responses about keeping the kids, changing days/times, etc. Maybe I'm wrong, but to me it sounds as if you are trying to make an indirect point with her.......but it comes off sounding like a dig at her. So, it doesn't work in your favor. There's a right way and a wrong way.

If you'll notice, I previously referred to "successful" board members. That's b/c I feel many newcomers only see success coming one way.......to bust the divorce. Although we are called the DB board, success comes to those who grow as individuals, and to the point of enjoying their life.......with or without their spouse. Let me give you the link to a LBH who has posted recently about his life. I think you may find it encouraging.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=62888&Number=2891605#Post2891605

((hugs))