Well, T-minus two hours until the sleepover and X has cancelled due to not having his covid test result back. It makes sense, I guess, but I wish I hadn't told S2 about it. He was really excited.
It’s unfortunate H’s test results aren’t available yet. Postponing the sleepover is the right thing to do.
I know parents who don’t tell their kids plans until the day of, or just before. And for more than just a sleepover; a 3 week trip to Disneyland.
I believe in, and follow, a different philosophy. I let my kids know upcoming plans and events. It’s good for them to be excited and plan as well. And for those times when plans fall through, to learn disappointment and how to handle it.
I always imagined how a surprise 3 week vacation would go over. Kids have lives, friends, and plans which just get thrown aside.
I do understand your desire to protect son. And you are doing good. Don’t worry when fate puts forth an opportunity, an unintentional lesson we aren’t seeking. They really don’t come around all that often.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Good point. I do agree with the value of the lesson. However I didn’t mention the cancellation to S2 and he didn’t ask about it, so the lesson wasn’t needed in the end. It’s a holiday long weekend here so I admit to questioning the veracity of the whole thing - maybe X had more exciting plans. I had to cancel my own plans and forgo an admittedly much-needed day off from parenting. But that’s not S2’s fault, so it’s okay. We are having fun together. Thanks for the perspective, D.
I'm now quite certain he lied about having a covid test in order to get out of his scheduled visit. He emailed this morning saying he "just got his [negative] test result back" so he is able to see S2 this afternoon. Test results in our area are texted back within 24-48 hours and he is saying it took 6 days. That, combined with the fact it was a holiday long weekend, makes the odds of untruth pretty high. He also made no mention of rescheduling the sleepover or making up the missed visit. I do not understand the need to lie - he could have just asked to switch weekends if he had plans for this one.
I also need to address the child support in arrears. I've drafted an email but feel quite nervous about sending it, even though it's completely justified and necessary. I decided to give him the chance to fix it before defaulting to the child support agency and having them collect the payments. We have a private arrangement where the agency determines the amount and he does a direct debit. They recently revised the amount and he hasn't updated his payments accordingly. It's probably a good idea for me to change the arrangement and have them handle everything on my behalf. I do not trust X to do the right thing and chasing him for money is pretty low on my list of fun things to do.
Just to clarify, I'm not going to address the cancellation or the lie, at all. I didn't even bother responding to the cancellation email or today's email. Moving on with my life.
New situations to handle seem to come up almost every day, right?
To limit the impact to my well-being, I've tried to make decisions according to a simple rule: "Do I need to stand up for myself here, and if so, how can I limit the discord?"
When I think about limiting discord, I'm not trying to avoid upsetting my X. That is unavoidable - not within my control. I do try to consider the reasonable options at my disposal to achieve my end goal.
Regarding the money issue, I wonder if you can send your X a message and say (paraphrasing): "FYI I changed the arrangement with the agency so they will handle future payment issues." Then you can change it, you don't have to chase him for money, but you also notified him of the change.
I like how you handled the cancellation and lie.
Just to be clear, I'm not trying to give advice. I'm still learning how to navigate a toxic X relationship while trying to coparent, and trying to figure out what works, including learning from others.
Thanks U. It’s nice to hear from someone in a similar spot with a similar outlook. Not trying to save the M, just navigating the business side of the R for the sake of the children. I like your distinction between limiting discord vs upsetting the X. It is hard to get out of that mindset when you have been the peacemaker in your old dynamic.
I emailed with a short message informing of the payment in arrears and that I’d be changing the arrangement. No response, but the next payment was the correct amount. The outstanding amount hasn’t been paid, though, which I’ll let the agency handle from here.
He then emailed requesting another adhoc sleepover to make up for the missed visit two weeks ago. The time has definitely passed for that, I think. It doesn’t suit me or S2, and I don’t want to set a precedent of changing the parenting plan to suit X. So that one is a no. He also asked to extend his Father’s Day visit to include an overnight sleepover, which I am happy to do for the special occasion. (Leaving my opinion of X as a father out of it and thinking purely of S2).
If he wants to modify the plan to include sleepovers, I am happy to return to negotiations for that. Otherwise, I’d prefer to stick to the current plan. That was my L’s advice and I think it’s fair and better for S2 to have that stability.
Please help me. X just emailed 15 minutes before scheduled dropoff to say he broke down an hour and a half away, he is out of reception, that he will be back late, and is keeping S2 overnight. My parenting plan isn't legally enforceable. I'm really worried. I responded asking for the location so I can pick S2 up and that S2 isn't prepared for an overnight stay. X isn't responding to my call, text or email. What do I do???
I'm just posting to get this out as I have little recourse until I speak with my lawyer. I don't have court orders, only a verbal agreement. More fool me.
X had scheduled visitation today (Sunday) from 8am-5pm. At 4:45pm, I get an email saying that his brand new car is broken down 1 1/2 hours away and that he is keeping S2 overnight with him because "he has no other options".
Red flags immediately went up. If he intended to make the dropoff time, he would have left wherever he was two hours ago, and been broken down much closer to home. If he knew he wasn't going to make the dropoff time, he would have let me know hours ago when it became apparent.
I immediately responded in writing to say please let me know the location and I will pick up S2 so he's not stranded. I added that S2 was not prepared for a sleepover so he needed to be brought home tonight. I called X twice without response. I texted him to please call me back to arrange pickup and pointed out that I had not sent any supplies for an overnight sleepover.
S2 has never spent an overnight with his father and has only had three sleepovers away from home in his life. His visitation time is minimal, a couple hours a week and every second Sunday.
I freaked out for a bit until X emailed to say he had arranged accommodation "somewhere" and had all the things S2 needed. I responded that I needed to know where S2 was staying for the night and when he would be returned.
Another red flag - why would he have overnight supplies if he intended to return him at 5pm as scheduled?
X responded saying he was "staying near X town" and that S2 would either be returned first thing tomorrow (Monday) or dropped at daycare - no firm commitment despite me having to work tomorrow. So that leaves me with my hands tied, not knowing where S2 is, not having seen or spoken to him, not knowing what overnight care he's receiving, not knowing when or where he'll be returned.
I believe X did this because I refused to grant him an adhoc overnight visit this weekend. I'm not unreasonable at all - I always accommodate his cancellations and switches. But recently my lawyer advised me not to agree to any adhoc changes after X arranged then cancelled that sleepover at the last minute. The instability is not good for S2.
I know in my bones that he planned this weekend all along and made up this excuse to keep him overnight. I told him no and he didn't like that answer, so he did it anyway. Abusive men use children as pawns to hurt their mothers. I don't believe S2 is in real danger, but the thought of him being confused or scared in some random motel with a man he is not overly bonded with (and who knows who else is staying there, for that matter?) makes me feel sick.
Legally I can withhold S2 until a court order is filed to ensure that future breaches have consequences. It's fathers day this weekend and I've already agreed to switch my weekend and extend his time to include overnight. I struggle with feeling like a bad person for rescinding this offer, but I do not trust X to follow the agreement any more.
X texted 15minutes before drop off and he is 90 minutes away broken down. He has been messing with the payments as well. Looks like X is playing some kind of game.
I realize this forum has a lag in communication. Have you heard from X yet? It’s been 5 hours since you posted, if he hasn’t got a hold of you by now, call the police. It’s ok to have a car breakdown, and I am sure within 5 hours he could’ve found a phone. It’s not ok to radio silent regarding S2.
Do you have his address yet? If not, then demand it. Period. No more visits until he provides it. This situation illustrates the need for him disclosing that information. You say this plan isn’t legally enforceable, which part? I think you need to get the arrangement hammered down and signed by both parties. I suspect X has part time custody and he so far hasn’t exercised or wanted that.
If he is going to start playing games, make the drop off and pick up at a third party location - like a police station, there are even agencies that provide this service. This ensures his compliance, punctuality, and provides witnesses to his (and your) behaviour and history. I know that would be a royal pain in the ___, however it may be needed. I know far too many situations that have to use that.
I do hope X has contacted you by now and S2 is back home.
By the way, texts are sent differently than phone calls, and do get through at times when a call cannot.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
