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A Message from Michele
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Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903063
09/03/20 03:07 PM
09/03/20 03:07 PM
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Ginger1 Online
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And not meant to be condescending if it came off that way.

Truly, I wish I could be more trusting and open. It reaps benefits.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903079
09/03/20 08:31 PM
09/03/20 08:31 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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Wow....I'm not even sure what to say, DV. And, I'm not sure anything I do say would be overly well-received. While I respect that you are a grown woman who can make your own choices and you consider yourself a risk taker, it seriously concerns me that you would just open your home AND involve your children. It would be one thing to open your home if it was just you and I probably would just say be careful, but when kids are involved, that opens up a whole other can of worms.

I'm sorry if this sounds terrible because I do really want you to be happy and find love, but I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope like h3ll that I'm wrong and I may well be, but this all seems to be moving at the pace of a freight train running off the track.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903093
09/04/20 05:01 AM
09/04/20 05:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 227
Midwest
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harvey Offline
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DV certainly dives right in. smile

I've been dating my GF for over a year, and my daughters have met her four times. Two times in the first 10 months. I've moved up to making it a monthly occurrence now. They'll meet her for the third time in a little over two months this weekend.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903113
09/04/20 04:20 PM
09/04/20 04:20 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Totally get where you are coming from Dawn. I think you would have to know me and my kids to get it. They have a great relationship with their dad. They aren’t looking for a replacement. They are also 12 and quite independent. As long as they get mom time and they know I am happy, they are just fine. I dated Jack for a year. They liked him. When I told them we were breaking up, it barely registered and they saw him a lot. They just wanted to make sure I was okay and when they saw that I was, they went on with their lives. They are very securely attached kids...open to having many people in their lives. They are a lot like me.

In terms of me trusting TDH... I just do. I’ve seen him in his home environment. Met some people in his life. I’ve watched him carefully. He is someone who is comfortable in his own skin and honestly just loves people. Yesterday, he called a wrong number trying to get a hold of his friend and had a five minute conversation with the person on the other end. He is just so d@mn nice. Genuinely. When you are around someone like that, you just know it. Last night, fish tacos for two turned into fish tacos for six as my MIL, SD20, my twin and BIL came over as well. BIL is the least trusting person I know and he got on super well with TDH. I bought a new tv and the two of them installed it for me while chatting like they’d known each other for years. TDH’s friend also came over for a beer on his way to the ferry. This is someone TDH has known for 20 years. He owns a bunch of pizza franchises on the island and literally lives a block away from me. He is married with two kids around the same age as TDH’s. I liked him immediately. A genuinely nice friendly guy whose energy you could pick up on the second he walked through the door. He clearly thinks the world of TDH and vice versa.

So...yes...I get that I am breaking a bunch of rules. But I just know it is going to turn out fine. He and I have been talking for two months now. We’ve covered so many topics. I know way more about him than I did Jack who I dated for a year. He looks at me like I hung the moon. The things he says he likes about me are the things I like about me that past partners/boyfriends haven’t even mentioned. I feel like he sees me. Neither of us have done the long distance thing before. We talked about it last night a lot. We’re not unaware how risky this looks to other people but we’re committed to giving it a shot. Will it end up with one or both of us getting hurt? Possibly. But if you don’t take risks, how do you ever get any rewards? Anyway...I know the only thing I am missing here is time and that will take care of itself.

Great day planned today. We got invited to my friends’ at the lake. Gonna leaves a bit early so I can show him around my hometown and where I grew up. He keeps asking me where I came from so may as well answer that question...lol. (((HUGS))) to all. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903114
09/04/20 04:20 PM
09/04/20 04:20 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Ginger...no offence taken at all. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903121
09/04/20 05:57 PM
09/04/20 05:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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The long and short of it is that it is your life and you have to do what is right for you. I say that all the time on here and IRL. You mention "breaking rules", but I say when it comes to love, rules don't really apply because everyone is different. I can respect that we approach life very differently and you have to do you and I will do me. You are right that I don't know you or your kids and you, obviously, know them better than me or anyone else for that matter. Sadly, though, I have dealt with kids for a long time where parents insist their kids are one way or feel or think a certain way, only to have kids themselves tell me something else. Not at all saying that is the case here, but saying the possibility exists that they may SAY they are fine as long as you are fine, but that also may be said because that is what you want to hear and they know it. They are old enough to know what you want to hear or how you want them to feel and to bend to that, if that makes sense. Again, not saying that is definitely happening here, but just saying the possibility does exist.

Other than my concern for the kids, the other thing that bothers me about the whole thing is the double standard of it all. Andrew got HAMMERED and is still getting hammered occasionally (and I will totally raise my hand and say I have participated in said hammering, despite my fondness for Andrew, or maybe because of my fondness for him) for pretty much the same thing while you are getting virtual high fives and pats on the back. Why is it not ok for Andrew to run in like his hair is on fire to a situation that looks fishy from the outside but it is fine for you to do the same because it is just who you are? I know that sounds harsh and I'm so sorry because I don't mean for it to at all. It is hard to explain without sounding harsh, honestly.

Like I said, I do really want you to be happy and you are a grown woman and you have to make your choices and you have to deal with the consequences be they good or bad. I do truly hope it is all sunshine and roses for you, honestly. Everybody, men and women, deserves to find a true, lasting love who thinks that they hung the moon.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903122
09/04/20 06:04 PM
09/04/20 06:04 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
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Ginger1 Online
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Fair assessment dawn. That we hammered Andrew. Seems like a double standard. Only Vu hasn’t moved her and his kid in yet.

I am indeed worried and concerned for anyone who opens the doors right up and let’s someone into their lives fully without even knowing them. It’s scary and risky . And more than us is usually at stake.

I myself could probably be less cautious while others could be more cautious.

And I wish everyone could find true long lasting love without someone’s good nature getting taken advantage of.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903124
09/04/20 06:13 PM
09/04/20 06:13 PM
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LH19 Online
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Dawn I think Andrew got beat up because he got engaged, moved her and entire family and her in after 6 months to a woman who has been married 3 or 4 times.

I think there is probably a happy medium but I will say one thing that I know for a fact. Canadians are more friendly and trusting then us diseased riddled Americans lol.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903126
09/04/20 06:20 PM
09/04/20 06:20 PM
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Ginger1 Online
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^^^ also a fair assessment

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903127
09/04/20 06:25 PM
09/04/20 06:25 PM
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Dawn70 Offline
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I agree with you both that it isn't the exact same situation and Andrew did, arguably, move faster. It still all seems a little break-neck speed to me, but I'm pretty skeptical usually. I think you put it best, LH....I'm totally a disease-riddled American. I mistrust first and ask questions later instead of trusting first. To Deja's point about how do you get rewards if you don't take risks....well, rewards and risks are not mutually exclusive so I can get rewards without risks. Of course, what I consider risk and what someone else considers risk may or may not be the same because we are all different. While Deja isn't moving TDH in like Andrew did S, she's still going "all in" which is something we've warned others about repeatedly, so I still see a double standard.

I think you are right, LH, that there is a happy medium. You can go ahead and put me on the boring and disease-riddled American side of that medium because I'm a grouchy old fuddy duddy. LOL


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
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