I don’t know how to link my previous thread. But, long story short, H is living in D25 bedroom while she lives on the couch.
He drifts in after work and usually we will not see him until he drifts in the next day. I discovered OW2 but do not know the extent of their R. He asked for a divorce three weeks ago after 15 months of “not wanting to be married”.
I have really felt indifferent then overwhelmed in my own rollercoaster. One part of me wants to stay married and make this work, and another smaller part wants to do so many things, redo rooms in the house, travel possibly move, in a word, GAL.
I have started to really not wonder why he does what he does. (Example today, he came home from work and he had been near a bakery that makes bread I have really liked, and he brought me home two loaves as well as a chocolate crosiant) why? I don’t know. I can’t figure him out and that is not my task. I am learning my task is learning about me.
I am trying to 180 and maybe he sees it, maybe he doesn’t.
Today is an ok day. I am grateful.
Last edited by job; 10/13/2003:20 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
They do it.. They have moments maybe guilt, kindness, and love yes I believe they still love us- they will extend themselves to the LBS My XH did. It is confusing.
You will know his thoughts as you watch his actions consistantly. You will get more signs and clues
You are making shifts, 180's and changes GAL and deciding your next steps. .that is all great...We really have to do this work for us-
We can observe the MLC for clues as we still move forward
I strongly believe you will see and know what his next step is and if he turns back toward you you will be there. .if not you already have forward motion for a better change and life for u
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have really been focusing on me while H is drifting in and out of the home. I never even saw him yesterday, (he was in the bedroom, holed up when I came home at 4:30 pm)
This morning, he left for work at 4:00. He came home around 1:00 he only said hi because I was in front of him and went in the room and had been there now almost two hours.
I can’t help but feel so frustrated. I don’t want to wonder, but I do. He’s completely removed himself from the home in the sense that he does not speak to me or our D25. Tuesday, he brought home the bread, and here we are on Friday with NC.
I understand he is unhappy with things. I understand MLC is depression. There is nothing I can do, so just continue for me?
I feel like I ask this enough to know the answer, but it’s tough. Also, on a side note, still have not done his laundry and he hasn’t either.
PLC, this is my first time introducing myself to you, but I have been following your situation and I am so sorry you are hurting right now.
I know that there are people who have an IHS for years, but for me, living in the same home as my alien H was one of the hardest points in my journey so far. Rejection when an H is living under the same roof is felt every time you think of him. Which could be every other second, if he is just on the other side of the wall. I felt like there was no moving beyond the pain for me. So be gentle with yourself right now, this is super, super hard.
What can you do to get out of the house and not trigger the pain of rejection? I know that you work and likely you want to come home and unwind, but can you go for a walk with D? Or a socially distanced walk with a friend? Or a 20 minute workout (god bless the endorphins). ANYTHING to get your mind off of the fact that you are living with an alien whom you cannot understand at the moment? I too love to cook and realized that cooking was a trigger for me (H not swanning in and complimenting the smells and subsequent appreciation for the food I made made me depressed). So I stopped for a while.
Whatever it takes for you to feel whole for even a few minutes each evening, do it. You are not alone in your pain.
You are certainly not alone and I find our situations have some parallels. The one thing that I found That has significantly helped me “continue for me” and drop the rope a little more when it comes to thinking about H and what he’s doing is:
1. Realizing and coming to terms with the fact that this person right now is a stranger and not someone I particularly want in my life in their current state. I can still hold out hope for that changing...
2. Realizing that I don’t have to make any epic decisions right now....I can just be. Focus the best I can on me and what gets me back on my feet....maybe it’s gardening, a hobby of some sort, family or friends from a safe distance, signing up for an online class...Something that makes you feel like you and takes the focus off of him and his comings and goings. This continues to be a big trigger for me every time the garage door opens and closes....I fight the urge to run to the window ....
It’s not easy but we got this! One step at a time and by letting ourselves off the hook when we need to show ourselves compassion.
I am really trying, I actually before the second BD, discussed with him getting an piece of exercise equipment for the home since here gyms are closed. He was on board. Yesterday, it arrived. I already did a little test workout and I know that this will be my savior when I get home. He was home when it was delivered and did not interact regarding it until last night to just ask if “that the machine?”
It’s the weekend, I have some housecleaning I had planned, a workout, and a new book to read. I don’t know where he is or even when he left.
i still check his fake fb, (I know I shouldn’t, eventually I know I’ll get past it) and today he is no longer friends with OW2. Last night, I could hear his phone pinging with messages over and over. So who knows what happened. The last time I experienced this with OW1 they ended after a few on and offs.
Anyway, thank you both for reaching out. I find this board is so helpful even when I am just feeling low. We all unfortunately understand how confusing this is and all want to help where we can even if it is a question we know the answer to.
I enjoyed my new exercise bike so much, I did one workout this morning for about 30 minutes, then this evening I had no plans and D was heading out to safely meet a friend so I rode a “scenic” ride for an hour. I played the music that gets me motivated and feel very relaxed.
H, you ask? Oh he’s been in the bedroom since about two, so six hours. He did actually wander by earlier to wash ONE pair of pants when the hamper is full of his clothes. Whatever.
I know that having a workout to do in my own time with my headphones on and no one bugging me will be a great thing for me.
Also, OW2 is friends again in Fake Fb. The cycle continues.
Posted on another thread about how before the initial BD I thought I was possibly facing H having dementia. Once the BD happened, it went away.
Anyway, my D25 told me that she told him he was having a MLC, he did not reply, and she thought that it began 2016-2107. Today, as I exercised (loving the pain it puts me through, I’m burning energy, great investment) I was thinking back to that time, he only wanted to watch old tv shows, like shows that were popular when we were kids. This is not a nostalgia thing, he literally will even now, watch reruns only. He can not grasp and concentrate on anything like a movie or mystery drama. Before the BD, we would go to the movies watch series on Netflix and have conversations about what we watched.
Thinking now, back at BD, I was so worried he was losing his memory. I now think he was trying to deal with thoughts that were bringing whatever trauma he experienced to the forefront and he was trying to ignore them. Watching old “Hawaii five-o” and “Beverly Hillbillies” and even “Andy Griffith” (I love that show too) was probably a comfort that took him in his mind to a different place.
None of these thoughts help now. It just helps me know that I am dealing with a damaged man who is spiraling. It helps me want to stand, but also makes me realize that if this was starting to happen four years ago and the BD didn’t happen for maybe three years, he processes slowly and I need to continue on my path where the only pain is from exercising.
Anyway, chime in if you like. Have a nice day. PLC
