It is all so confusing. In my head I know I need to focus on me, but my heart is what trips me up. Letting him go or not, it really isn’t my choice to “let him go” it is more “let go” he already has “left” without my blessing.
Shame is a big one, I know that H probably does not want people in his “pre MLC” life that all admire him and think he is salt of the earth and such a great guy who can do no wrong, did wrong. Regardless of how he may decide to change history, you don’t stay together 30 years and all of a sudden do this. I am not saying it was all perfect, but he was definitely the H that if you asked me pre BD if I could ever see him straying and blowing up his life, I would have emphatically said no way.
I do try to figure out why and I don’t have the answers. I need to let that go and work on the answers I can find, what do I want to do, where do I want to go? What am I doing to GAL?
I am going to make a vision board too. My daughter made a graduation poster for a drive by graduation and there are extra posters that were not used. I need to put goals that I can work towards while he is on his path. Especially now, since I know there’s OW2, he is not going to be chatty anytime soon, so I should make use of this time.
As you know, it is just so hard, sometimes I just want to close myself in the room like he does until I need to go to work.
...he’s married cheating on me but is acting like he can’t talk to me because it is a betrayal to their relationship.
Oh yes. My XW told me she was faithful to OM. Lol. A married women being faithful to her affair partner, while leaving her family.
They do grab hold of their new lives pretty hard. And the tighter they squeeze the more can slip through their fingers.
Originally Posted by PLC
When he asked for the Divorce, he said he didn’t want to be “enemies” don’t friends speak?
He could be telling the truth. He doesn’t want to be enemies.
You are only seeing enemies or friends; he wants strangers.
Enemy and friend, hate and love, just the other side of the same coin - desire. Indifference is the opposite.
Yes, friends speak. He wants, and is driven, to hide. Let him go. Remember, no pressure.
I do empathize with you. We all need to find a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. It’s ok. While you are doing that, have faith, GAL, live, and laugh.
Originally Posted by PLC
Regardless of how he may decide to change history, you don’t stay together 30 years and all of a sudden do this. I am not saying it was all perfect, but he was definitely the H that if you asked me pre BD if I could ever see him straying and blowing up his life, I would have emphatically said no way.
Yes, you don’t make 30 years without having something of substance. I know.
H didn’t snap suddenly, contrary to how it appears to you. He silently slid away over probably a year or two. If you look back, you can most likely see a triggering event around 18-24 months before BD. A death, a marriage, a missed promotion, etc. That is the trigger that sent H upon his confused journey.
My wife, and friend, of a good long marriage had my complete trust and faith. I know how you feel. Emphatically, no way she would do that! But, of course, she did. My world was crushed beyond belief. Ha, that is actually rather literal, when I think about it.
H is in crisis. He has shame, guilt, and plenty of pain and depression. You are his target of projections, to create false justifications. Stop internalizing what he says and does. His MLC is about him, not you.
Oh yes, he will blame you, push a narrative of a rewritten history. All in an attempt to feel better. His MLC is about him, not you.
It’s not the guilt and shame. For MLCers hate themselves. Their irrational behaviours is them running from themselves. It’s not you H is running from; it’s his life and himself.
H is locked in depression, deep, dark, and ceaseless. His world is very small, inward looking, and confining. He feels only for himself, and far too much of that. He cannot stop it. And he feels rather crazy.
In time he may find his way. I do believe it is possible. It is his journey and you were not invited along. (((PLC)))
We all need a certain amount of understanding to let go.
Continue moving forward, and living.
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Tonight, I just feel very overwhelmed. I have read thru some others sitches and although these people have found happiness on the other side of this, I am not ready to face that possible truth. Am I crazy? I know there have to be some where the MLCer comes back? I just need some hope.
I might feel this way as he came home, grunted hi, took a shower and has been locked in the room since. Dinner has come and gone with nary a peep. Not unusual, but sad nonetheless.
I need to stop wondering why, like is it her? Are they apart now? Is he regretful? Do I matter? Does our daughter? I don’t know. I need to let that wondering go.
What if don’t want to let go? It’s just harder for me, right? He left me.
And yes, some MLCers do wake up. Let the future reveal itself in due time. Continue your inner work. Become the best version of you.
Your twisting path: You are not without weapons. Mental assertiveness. Utilize your intellect, it will reinforce your better feelings, and strengthen beliefs. Compliment that mental effort with physical activity. Logic and reason are powerful - sword and shield. Cut through the fog and find clarity. Block the projections and spew from H.
Originally Posted by PLC
What if don’t want to let go? It’s just harder for me, right? He left me.
Of course you don’t want to let go. You are the LBS. It’s perfectly normal. You are fine. You’re not crazy.
However, you do see the wisdom in letting go. Right? You see how fear is paralyzing you.
This is a battle within you. Use your weapons - logic and reason. It will feel wrong, this is very counterintuitive. You have a 30 year relationship, all that history, trust, loyalty, etc. to put aside to realize that H is an alien, for right now.
Originally Posted by PLC
Do I matter? Does our daughter? I don’t know.
Yes, you matter.
Mental assertiveness shield - stop measuring your worth based upon H’s actions. You matter!
Mental assertiveness sword - cut those strings H is pulling you with. You matter!
Focus on you. Detach. Find indifference. Let go.
You’ve got a strong mind. Be strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
(((PLC))). Gosh I remember being where you are. It was so, so hard. At the time, I hated that my H moved out pretty much right after I found out about his double life. Now I am grateful because I think an IHS would have been so much more difficult to move on from. There is something to be said for out of sight out of mind. It doesn’t happen right away but eventually it does...not if they are still living with you though.
I remember when XH and I had a talk in what used to be our bedroom. Normally he would have sat on the bed across from me but this time he leaned up against the window and that was my first thought...he feels like he is cheating on OW just by being in the room with me. Same for when he finds himself talking to me too much now. There is a point, if we have too friendly or too long of an exchange, where I see or feel (if he is texting me) him shut down...like seeing me in too positive of a light is a betrayal and also flies in the face of his belief that I am the cause of his unhappiness. He has to see me that way otherwise he has to look in the mirror and that is just too painful.
I, too, scoured this site for success stories when I first joined this forum and did not see myself as ready to face the idea of a life without my H. But I realized over time that that was just my fear getting in my way. The reality was that I was already living that life. I don’t know whose threads you have read but one of the most well-known ones on here is BluWave. She still visits from time to time and may even stop by to comment on yours. She has great advice. My memory is being tested but I think maybe Westo is another one? Steve85 is a third for sure although his wife never really left but she was planning on it and she did a 180 because of his commitment to DBing. There are others I know. I seem to recall that I stumbled on a thread where three women talked about their husbands coming back but despite numerous attempts, I was never able to find it again. So it does happen. It’s okay to hope but for your own sake, don’t hope for a specific outcome other than healing and peace. Whether or not your marriage is saved is secondary to that.
DnJ gives you excellent advice...as usual. Try to follow it as best you can. It will help. Sending you lots more (((HUGS))).
I will look for the posters you mentioned, Dnj, I actually think Steve85 has comment on my posts. It is always helpful to see results and know that there are positive outcomes.
I know I have a controlling side, because I want to scream at him and tell him what he is doing wrong and can’t he see what he is doing. I won’t though.
So update on last night, I went to bed and never heard him get up until this morning when he came in to take a shower. My dad wanted to hear about his victory this last week so I mentioned to him, “hey, my dad was pretty excited about your record, he’d like to hear about it” he replied, “I’ll do it later, right now I am meeting (his boss) he wants to go over what needs to be done as he’s leaving for a trip” it was 6:00 am, yes that time is normal to meet the boss, but to call my dad, please don’t call him on a Sunday morning, or any morning, at 6:00 am.
He was nice enough, but who knows if he will reach out to him or not.
I really need to work on my 180’s. Today, D25 has items to move to storage and we probably will be gone for a while. Nothing too exciting, but at least we will be out of the house.
I know this anxiety, is tied to the recent determined BD three weeks ago. I need to have that spurn me on to keep GALing.
I know this is going to sound like I should know the answer, but as a LBS sometimes the obvious isn’t.
I shouldn’t be cooking for him, should I? If I am in the kitchen making myself something and he wanders in, I can offer to share, but if I am cooking and he is ensconced in his room, I am not going to knock on the door and ask him if I can make a plate, am I?
Case in point, today D25 and I went to her storage locker and when we came back, he was in the room, door closed. I was hungry, made myself some lunch and ate. Later D25 made herself some lunch and was eating when he came out of the room. I heard him ask her if there was anything good and whatever her reply was not what he wanted to hear so he left to eat. It is so hot here, I am a salad kind of gal. That is what I am planning for dinner, it won’t be for a few hours, but I just make what I planned, right? It seems so silly to ask, but if I should be asking him, I will.
After the first BD last spring, I did eventually see a thaw between OW and at that time, I would ask him if he wanted anything and he actually would occasionally bring home food to share. I am not seeing a thaw. The last thaw happened probably six or seven months after discovery of OW and their subsequent break up. I was trying to navigate that when he abruptly shut down in May (one year after first BD) and now is still strong.
I also stopped doing his laundry as he knows how to operate the washer and dryer and why should I?
Like you did with D25. You were hungry and made some lunch. Later she made herself some lunch.
H is basically holed up in his room. He’ll figure something out for meals.
Now, if he is out and about within the house. Maybe even spoke to you. By all means you can ask if he wants to join for the meal. Something like, “Hi H. I’m making steak and potatoes. Would you like to join me?”
Ever situation is different because every person is different. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t. Follow this:
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
You can propose a meal. If he rejects it; and he could, remember too much pressure; then it doesn’t work - for now. It might work later, but much later. Don’t try it again for a good while. Besides he can work a door, he can emerge and ask to join you.
We teach people how to treat us. You don’t want to be going to his room to see if he is ready for a meal. You’re not at his beck and call. Do like you did for the laundry.
Take your focus off H. Of course you have questions about MLC, and answers will come. Be patient. Dig deep for patience.
Take your focus off H. You are looking for signs. Crisis people are irrational. Their signs change all the time. And they are masters of manipulation. Pull back, way back. Give him space and time and a good portion of both. Let him choke on it. Now that might not sound all that compassionate. Counterintuitive. It is.
H is a troubled and lost soul. He needs to feel nothing for you, then from there realize you cannot be the cause of his pain. Then maybe look within and start to heal. He also needs to feel he lost you. You cannot be sitting around like plan B. You are the prize. You are the wife.
This is H’s journey and it goes at his pace and in his direction. Let it go where it needs to go. Anything else will delay his journey.
You have your own journey as well. Take you focus off H. Focus on you. GAL. Stand. Become indifferent. Compassionately indifferent.
You are doing fine. And asking good questions. This ain’t easy - oh boy do I know that!
You got this girl.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I was cooking making lots of noise and there were tons of yummy scents coming from the kitchen. The minute I served my plate and sat down, he came in.
I asked him if he wanted any of what I cooked and he LOVED it. When he was done eating, he went into the kitchen, cleaned his plate then went back to the room.
I would also add to keep expectations low. and do what seems best for you-
Being a good ccok is a gift.. Your H will also have to feel/accept that loss if he chooses to leave
I did spend a lot of time trying to engage my XH in conversation and listening to him.. when he visited the kids
This created a friendship and i felt like I could be a supportive wife/friend especially around business issues he was having In the end, I always felt good about the effort and thought I put into navigating through the MLC process with XH
We all absolutely do/give our best
sometimes it works, sometimes not but we have to play it out and let H decide in his time
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
