Steve85 - I'm working on the detachment. For the last month or two, and especially since July 5th when I found out my W talked to S5 about the separation/divorce without me, I've done a great job about limiting contact and keeping it to business (kids & finances). Maybe because it's more immediate and things will resurface, but right now I'm missing the kids and loss of nuclear family more so than my W as an individual. I appreciate "You got this BL" words of encouragement. Everyone's responses on the forum do help.
Can you explain to me, in your own words, what detachment is?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My understanding of detachment is moving on from needing my W in order to be happy with my own life/situation and letting go of the idea she would be my partner for the rest of our lives. Basically knowing I will be alright regardless of what happens and being OK with whatever she decides for her life.
I'm admittedly not there yet. I'm better off knowing I'll be alright than being alright with her choices - to your point above, in my current state of mind I'd still be pretty upset if she got pregnant or engaged to OM. However, I am sensing progress. I'm at a much better place than I was a few months ago when I was still reaching out to her, doing nice things, trying to save the R...etc. I'd say for 4 months (since BD on 2/15 to late June) I was full-on attachment/save the marriage mode and in the last 1-1.5 months I've been much better in that area. The GAL'ing and limiting contact to business items are tactics which has helped the detachment strategy, and I've felt my recent grief has been more about missing the kids than my wife.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Ready2Change - I'm not sure how to balance modeling a positive attitude to my kids vs. showing them some emotions so it's OK to have them. A few weeks back when my son was crying because he missed mommy and she had told him she was moving to a new house I tried to talk to him and cried a little myself saying "it's ok to be sad" and "daddy is sad too", but he's only 5 and I don't know exactly how best to handle the situation for him.
Perfect response.
It is a challenge as well as a work in progress. Rasing emotionally healthy children is our goal. We all do our best. Conflicting advise, even from the experts makes things even more confusing.
I still think the most important thing LBS need to get out of this process is PERSONAL GROWTH. Focus on it. Read as many parenting books as you can in parallel to relationship books etc.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm picking up the kids from my W's grandmother later today after my IC session. She has been very close with me and my family throughout the relationship (sharing holidays, birthdays, gifts...etc.) and (I believe) thinks very highly of us. She lives in the area so pre-COVID we'd see her frequently but due to the pandemic social distancing I've only seen her once since BD (about midway through my sitch). At that time she apparently had no idea what was going on but now knows W has moved out and is pursuing divorce, though I doubt anything about the affair.
Anyway...there's a good chance she'll inquire about the situation. What is best way to handle those questions? My family would tell me to "tell my side" and "get my story out there", but is that the recommended approach in terms of DB? I'm guessing maybe not.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
...W's grandmother.....there's a good chance she'll inquire about the situation. What is best way to handle those questions? My family would tell me to "tell my side" and "get my story out there", but is that the recommended approach in terms of DB? I'm guessing maybe not.
These encounters are complicated. I know what I would do, but until you understand all your options, less words and less details are almost always better.
This is definitely a great response:
Originally Posted by Steve85
A simple: "I'm still hoping we can work things out.' would suffice.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Point taken from both of you on the simpler/less words is better approach. However, it was a moot point as W was there when I arrived instead of her grandmother. My cynical side says she relieved her grandmother on purpose so we would not have a chance to interact - she had previously floated the idea of bringing the kids to me after work instead when I said I'd pick them up after my appointment - but I imagine LH19 would just call that pointless mind reading. The W encounter didn't help my detachment because she is a beautiful woman and looked great slim, tan...etc., but that feeling was fleeting as I went on to have a great evening with the kids (playground, mini-golf, dinner on the deck, bath-time, bed).
Ready2Change - You did pique my curiosity with the "I know what I would do" comment though. Care to share?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Reading through an old thread and these bolded comments jumped out at me. My parents had their 40th wedding anniversary this year during my sitch whereas each of my W's parents have been married 3 times.
Did you make your W feel like your parents were better then hers because of it? Do you know for a fact your parents were more happy then her parents?
Originally Posted by BL42
While we were dating & engaged W & I had multiple conversations about how she didn't want to be like her mom and how marriage was forever with her, and that reassured me about moving forward with the relationship.
That's how she felt at the time. Feelings change.
Originally Posted by BL42
However, after BD W told me she was done and didn't have any energy or desire to work on it at all or go to MC with me, and now her mom and step-sister (who has been married multiple times w/affairs and didn't want anything to do with at one point) are both her main confidants.
Off course. WWs always seek people who see their side of things.
Originally Posted by BL42
A friend of my sister's who went through a similar situation told me my biggest mistake was marrying someone who had that family history because at a certain age the modeling/learned behavior just kicks in. I think about that from time to time and can't disagree.
Well guess what? If you didn't marry her you wouldn't have your two kids. How would that make you feel?
Reading through an old thread and these bolded comments jumped out at me. My parents had their 40th wedding anniversary this year during my sitch whereas each of my W's parents have been married 3 times.
Did you make your W feel like your parents were better then hers because of it? Do you know for a fact your parents were more happy then her parents?
I don't think I made her feel like my parents were better than hers, but can't know for sure. If anything she expressed frustrations with her upbringing more than me criticizing. W drove conversations about how tough the divorce was on her as a teenager, how unreliable her mother is, how she never wanted to divorce, and seemed to embrace my family more so than her own for many years. Now that's changed 180*. Maybe W did that for my benefit to make me feel comfortable marrying her - I couldn't say - but I don't think I was the driver of it.
I don't know how to measure overall happiness of our parents' lives, but do know there was major and long lasting pain for everyone involved in her parents' divorce, some of which carries on today. My parents have certainly had struggles over the years, and even went to counseling at one point, but they were able to work through it and have a long and overall happy marriage. That was my point - my model was work through issues and value the marriage whereas her modeling was call it quits when times are tough. I suspect that's a big factor in our current sitch and didn't appreciate the significance of it when we first got engaged/married.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
A friend of my sister's who went through a similar situation told me my biggest mistake was marrying someone who had that family history because at a certain age the modeling/learned behavior just kicks in. I think about that from time to time and can't disagree.
Well guess what? If you didn't marry her you wouldn't have your two kids. How would that make you feel?
No doubt. The one caveat in this entire situation is the children. I love S5 and D1 with all my heart and would never want to lose them. That said, if I had given more weighting to family background a decade ago maybe I would've had kids with a W that had a more stable upbringing who put greater value on marriage/working it out, so they wouldn't have their parents separated.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
No doubt her upbringing plays apart on your sitch. I experienced the same thing. I had doubts myself due to family concerns. My ex's dad had an A when she was young and moved out for awhile. She always said that was the worst time of her life. So what does she do? The same thing to her kids. My point is that it is a complete waste of your time and energy trying to make any sense of it.
